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My Words..
Jun 04, 2009 05:55PM
- 56 comments
These are my Words and I claim them Back !!
I have never put this out here before but have spoke around it enough in my journals I'm sure many of you have figured it out if you have kept up with me.. My step father starting molesting my mothers 5 daughters.. I was 8 or 9 at the time.. at 12 he tried to have sex with me.. he did not accomplish this act as I was not making it easy.. I was terrified and repeated I'm going to go to the devil over and over.. somewhere it broke through his sickness drunkenness and red's induced brain.. He let me go.. I was gone in a week.. I was known as a rabbit I ran from every foster home girls school ************** they placed me in.. finally ended up in cya and could no longer run.. 02383 is my ya number.. when let out I was defiant and still would not stay so my parole officer at 16 said I never want to see you in my office again.. I got my wish freedom.. under the table emancipation.. straight into the arms of Heroin.. and every drug I could get in me.. My anger and guilt fueled a desire for self annihilation.. 41 years it has taken me to get the help I needed and for the first time I'm clean.. for this is My desire.. We can come back from anything if we get the proper help.. I know this will not sit well with many and I debated even answering this post but I'm sure I'm not alone.. wishing you all peace of mind and spirit.. lesa
I have never put this out here before but have spoke around it enough in my journals I'm sure many of you have figured it out if you have kept up with me.. My step father starting molesting my mothers 5 daughters.. I was 8 or 9 at the time.. at 12 he tried to have sex with me.. he did not accomplish this act as I was not making it easy.. I was terrified and repeated I'm going to go to the devil over and over.. somewhere it broke through his sickness drunkenness and red's induced brain.. He let me go.. I was gone in a week.. I was known as a rabbit I ran from every foster home girls school ************** they placed me in.. finally ended up in cya and could no longer run.. 02383 is my ya number.. when let out I was defiant and still would not stay so my parole officer at 16 said I never want to see you in my office again.. I got my wish freedom.. under the table emancipation.. straight into the arms of Heroin.. and every drug I could get in me.. My anger and guilt fueled a desire for self annihilation.. 41 years it has taken me to get the help I needed and for the first time I'm clean.. for this is My desire.. We can come back from anything if we get the proper help.. I know this will not sit well with many and I debated even answering this post but I'm sure I'm not alone.. wishing you all peace of mind and spirit.. lesa
**** means Drug Treatment Center... Letakos
I don't know why this would be deleted. All the comments were respectful and good and I've seen more "taboo" topics posted.
Let's hope it was deleted by mistake. It sort of inspired me to write about residential schools.
Nia:wen/thank you
Let's hope it was deleted by mistake. It sort of inspired me to write about residential schools.
Nia:wen/thank you
Your welcome wolf.. I too felt the love and please continue to think of writing about residential schools..as I for one would be very interested.. your sister... letakos
Amen!! That's been going around lately!! I don't know what the problem is!! Don't get discouraged keep writing! Keep posting! And last but not least keep being strong!!! God bless Shannon!!!
Dont get discouraged here my friend......this is our recovery and we are clean. We arent going to fold like a cheap tent now........hugs to you sara
Thank you Bold/Shannon.. I Promise you I will stay Strong.!!
No you are not a trouble maker.....why is honesty so scary for some people? I dont understand this. You have never been anything but kind and helpful. What happened to this place.....it used to be a safe place where we could come for support and encouragement........sara
I am here front and center Lonewolf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Letakos,
I can't seem to see any of my pictures it's weird, but I think it's a tech problem Stay Strong and Courageous
and always remember who You Are and what You Stand For.
May GOD Bless You with Strength, Courage and light....
<3 jimi (litle wing =0)
I can't seem to see any of my pictures it's weird, but I think it's a tech problem Stay Strong and Courageous
and always remember who You Are and what You Stand For.
May GOD Bless You with Strength, Courage and light....
<3 jimi (litle wing =0)
Thank you guys.. I'm starting to get chocked up my eyes are brimming I will be back.. I hope.. but I must let the tears come.. my apology's...
I agree BOLD......this is an addiction forum......not a birthday club. We have been to he!! and back and it wasnt very rosey in places. Our recovery is important to us. We are not just loser junkies. We are good people, caring people and we have a passion to stay on this site and help others. When one of our family members is down it is our love for that person to help pick them up and carry them until they are able to stand again........sara
Hopefully it is a technical error but my thoughts still stand.........we have laid down too long on this.
Snoopy and umbrellas!!! LMAO
Snoopy and umbrellas!!! LMAO
I am really sorry Lesa, now it may be my fault for this thread being removed, however this is really starting to irritate me. Your original journal talked of a posting that was moved to a different category, (of which you were not disrespectful) and shared again the trauma and devastation of your childhood that took you onto the path of addiction. Unless I am a complete idiot, and I don't think I am, your journal was one that touched so many lives, including mine. I have no personal experience with child molestation or abuse, other than thru the organizations I volunteer and most, at any age, cannot discuss or express their feelings as well as you did. I was so very proud of you for being direct, and telling your story so eloquently, that is not an easy thing to do, and so few have your ability to do so. If you were closer I would be begging you to talk to various groups I belong to, because you would be such an inspiration! Don't apologize for sharing what must have been so very difficult for you, with others..... that takes a very strong person, good for you!!
I have been on MH for over a year...... the mom of an addict, so I am fairly in tuned with the postings, and as you know, being 100% sober I have seen some really ridiculous BS (excuse my swearing) postings...... not my job to watch it but when I read a post and recognize the name because their story has changed 20 times, it tends to stand out..... but those are never questioned?
I truly don't get the criteria of how you crossed any MH lines or what they deemed was inappropriate. Yes this does flat out pisses me off. I only hope someone from MH has been able to answer your question of why your original journal was removed. I would love to know the answer to that one.
I have been on MH for over a year...... the mom of an addict, so I am fairly in tuned with the postings, and as you know, being 100% sober I have seen some really ridiculous BS (excuse my swearing) postings...... not my job to watch it but when I read a post and recognize the name because their story has changed 20 times, it tends to stand out..... but those are never questioned?
I truly don't get the criteria of how you crossed any MH lines or what they deemed was inappropriate. Yes this does flat out pisses me off. I only hope someone from MH has been able to answer your question of why your original journal was removed. I would love to know the answer to that one.
Why am I so sad?
Why am I so troubled?
I will put my hope
in GOD, and once again
I will give Him thanks and praise,
my savior and my GOD....
~ Psalm 42:11 TEV
Letakos, GOD and His angels are watching over you!!!!
Believe me You are well Guarded and Protected
from any evil that try's to lurk through Our back
door. Your a warm, gentle and kind warrior but
still a Warrior for GOD and Righteousness!!!!
We Are All Here For You....
<3 jimi (little wing =0)
Why am I so troubled?
I will put my hope
in GOD, and once again
I will give Him thanks and praise,
my savior and my GOD....
~ Psalm 42:11 TEV
Letakos, GOD and His angels are watching over you!!!!
Believe me You are well Guarded and Protected
from any evil that try's to lurk through Our back
door. Your a warm, gentle and kind warrior but
still a Warrior for GOD and Righteousness!!!!
We Are All Here For You....
<3 jimi (little wing =0)
Very nicely said LateAugust.......you always know the right things to say......sara
Amen you have a lot of support here!! I'm not surprised they haven't gotten around 2 me yet!! Hell I've been here since 07 waiting 4 my pink slip!! God gets all the glory!!!
LateAugust - how could it be your fault? I remember the post in question and even made a comment. This might get me banned but did anyone get an e-mail from MH saying that the thread about "Overdoses" being moved from the social side to the addiction side? Who makes these decisions and why?
There are comments far worse and definitely less honest than we saw in the deleted journal. I think we Natives are tired of having things taken away from us - no offence to any non-Natives who are all in the same addiction boat.
There are comments far worse and definitely less honest than we saw in the deleted journal. I think we Natives are tired of having things taken away from us - no offence to any non-Natives who are all in the same addiction boat.
No matter what I believe you should go and contact medhelp about it. You deserve to know, and with any hope they will understand and bring the journal back. (I've heard when an admin deletes something, it isn't gone.)
Oh no hun, Lonewolf, I meant it may be my fault if this journal gets removed because I was and am irritated and unfortunately I did use two bad words, I was trying to be good....... but I can only do that for so long! :) So my statement was more of a warning to anyone reading my input on Lesa's current journal..... I don't think I used any "bad" words on the one she originally posted, but perhaps I should double check :)
Have a great night all........ Lesa, I hope you dry your tears, you are soo above all of this stuff. You are a class act Lady Lesa, don't let anyone or any forum or anything ever let you think differently of yourself and your many contributions.
Have a great night all........ Lesa, I hope you dry your tears, you are soo above all of this stuff. You are a class act Lady Lesa, don't let anyone or any forum or anything ever let you think differently of yourself and your many contributions.
It sounds to me it was a blanket policy, nothing specific to you. Still doesn't make it right. I've gotten a few similar complaints whenever I put something in my mood about leaving or not being happy with medhelp in one way or another. The staff is worried about appearance. If members start complaining or threatening to leave, the staff is afraid it's going to cause an uproar and they are going to lose members...and that can't be good for their website.
I'm in no way agreeing with their decision. I'm just laying it out. What I do from no on is take any personal journals and set them "friends only". It limits who can see them, but I've noticed that semi-private journals don't get heavily moderated like public ones.
I'm in no way agreeing with their decision. I'm just laying it out. What I do from no on is take any personal journals and set them "friends only". It limits who can see them, but I've noticed that semi-private journals don't get heavily moderated like public ones.
this is ok mj.. I will not set my journals to private.. no disrespect to you my young friend.. I'm a hard core Drug Addict.. I have been through Hell and back.. I came here to med help and found myself.. in each and everyone of you.. The story's I can tell would curl your toes make you laugh your butt off and make you weep for the depravity of it... Nothing so shocking to me that I have not been able to roll with it.. I came here seeking support.. I'm a late bloomer.. I did this in reverse.. I did not come here looking for a way out of wd but looking for something My Juvenile Hall councilors taught me a long time ago.. Lesa Please do not ever give up on yourself.. this is all these kind people asked.. I almost let them my family and myself down and did a OD I have had a few but none where I truly lost myself.. for this I did.. I lost the ability to communicate to do simple math.. I have been raped by predators that had no concern for me.. I fought them off but when you live on the street this is the price at least the worst for myself... I only have given myself willingly to 3 people.. My junkie partner my Speed freak boy friend and my Dear Husband.. I will not be silenced by anybody..I have fought to get off heroin crank pills booze self esteem racial indifference been questioned on my religious beliefs.. have been tossed aside like garbage more times then I can count.. If I can help One Just One member to not suffer the Hardships I did I will leave this forum with my goal intact.. My past has made me who I'am You all have polished it and for this I'm grateful... this is my journal My life My recovery.. It is the most selfish thing I have ever done for myself.. I will not be silenced.. My step father silenced me with his fist and thre Drugs silenced me for the oblivion I sought.. I will not lead my clean life only to be silenced by a person that thinks my words do not belong for a image.. The image of Drug Addiction is Ugly.. I wanted to bring beauty and kindness to my life and in repayment for all you have given to me I have tried to return it through my photos and my experiences.. No MJ I do not think I can be silenced now.. not Clean.. my step father tried.. they tried to do it in youth.. I tried through the drugs now here I'am again.. we heal and become good people.. mh has no interest in this I guess and only wants addicts to fill the forum.. with healing comes truth.. The man that runs from the truth or tries to squelch it is a Fool.. I will leave this rant at I love you all.. I wish I had the time to write each of you personally.. but there are so many of you.. I could name names and this list would be long.. but I would be afraid of offending anyone as you all have helped me tremendously.. my truth.. lesa
Lesa, So sorry that your journal got deleted. I know that you are hurting deeply. Know that you have so much love, respect and support here. You know that I am here for you anytime you need me. I'm emailing you some pictures to make you smile. Love ya, Corey
I agree with you. You shouldn't be silenced. Unfortunately what the medhelp staff saw was your comment about being deeply upset about them moving your topic. They just saw the complaint about their moderation and stopped at that... It had nothing to do with the rest of your story about past abuse, addiction, and getting clean. It sounds like they felt threatened by your comment about leaving. That was it. I don't know if they took time to read the rest and take it into consideration.. Once again I'm peeved about it too. It shows me something very negative about being open and willing to express some concerns on here.
If worst comes to worst, you can always set up a blog and link it in your profile, like I do. Stinks it can't be posted on the website, but one good thing is it will be posted and it can't be removed. I can help you start up a blog at least give you general directions. Also, this may be crazy, but I saved a copy of your other journal before it got axed. If you shoot me an email I can send you an archive. At least then you can read the comments you got and support. I don't know if "disabled" journals let you see that stuff or not. I'm really sorry this happened. If it helps you any, I've gotten some abrupt messages from the mods too. They got peeved at me for reporting a suicide journal by sending them an email, something they previously encouraged... (I wasn't going to do the report the way they recommended, because I feel dead wrong reporting it as "spam "or abuse.")
If worst comes to worst, you can always set up a blog and link it in your profile, like I do. Stinks it can't be posted on the website, but one good thing is it will be posted and it can't be removed. I can help you start up a blog at least give you general directions. Also, this may be crazy, but I saved a copy of your other journal before it got axed. If you shoot me an email I can send you an archive. At least then you can read the comments you got and support. I don't know if "disabled" journals let you see that stuff or not. I'm really sorry this happened. If it helps you any, I've gotten some abrupt messages from the mods too. They got peeved at me for reporting a suicide journal by sending them an email, something they previously encouraged... (I wasn't going to do the report the way they recommended, because I feel dead wrong reporting it as "spam "or abuse.")
Also, I've seen this happen with quite a few different journals, and a number were shared straight from the heart, and passionate. But because they had a complaint about the website, their journal got removed. Please know, you're not alone. This has happened before with different members in different communities. It's nothing personal. But it is very, very annoying, that it happens...that is to say the least.
Thank you..
Lesa.........YOU GO GIRL!!! You stand up for who you are and dont ever back down. You cant see me physically but i am standing beside you......We stand strong together........sara
You can't see me either; I'm hiding in the bushes but I'm here. Hope this gives you some little inspiration.
A Trail of Tears
A trail of tears we leave behind
to find a better land we strive
a trail of hunger, a trail of hardship
our journey is long, but our hearts are true
if we stay together we are strong
we once had lands so fertile and lush
but now the're gone
our spirits have not
for our spirits and bows cannot be broken
Our loved ones that come along the way
their spirits walk amongst us now
to give us strength along the way
our feet may be weary, our blankets may be worn
a long and dusty journey ahead ahead
and when our journey is at an end
our tears will no more be shed amongst us
A new begining, a gift from the earth spirits
a new life is born in honour of us
a fragrant gift to remind us all
for where there was once a trail of tears
a fragrant rose shall thus appear.
A Trail of Tears
A trail of tears we leave behind
to find a better land we strive
a trail of hunger, a trail of hardship
our journey is long, but our hearts are true
if we stay together we are strong
we once had lands so fertile and lush
but now the're gone
our spirits have not
for our spirits and bows cannot be broken
Our loved ones that come along the way
their spirits walk amongst us now
to give us strength along the way
our feet may be weary, our blankets may be worn
a long and dusty journey ahead ahead
and when our journey is at an end
our tears will no more be shed amongst us
A new begining, a gift from the earth spirits
a new life is born in honour of us
a fragrant gift to remind us all
for where there was once a trail of tears
a fragrant rose shall thus appear.
Hey sara I got a kind warning full of concern for my childhood tram and drug addiction as they hope I get help.. they want my silence on this.. this thread will be gone soon and I have a feeling I will too.. Love ya sara you are special do not worry about me ok I will carry on.. talk to corey if you ever want to talk to me.. this place is awesome !!
Check your email. I got your last journal and this one. it's saved up to your "thank you" post after mine.
I love this fam!! I mean it! Despite our differences we come together when it counts! Links 2 a chain!!! Shannon
Thank you wolf.. our trail of tears I hope leads us to a better end my sister then our ancestors.. This is Beautiful and is the truth Natives have always carried.. only to have it swallowed my pride and greed.. Our Ancestors give us our strength our Beliefs gives us our wisdom.. the Creator gave us the gift of words and you my friend gave me the gift of trust and for this I'm most grateful of all.. humbly letakos
Thank you MJ my appreciation is deep.. I have no words but the tears that fill my eyes.. I will treasure it and always remember this gift from You.. much love to my young and courage's friend.. letakos
Bold.. We have yet to have a chat but I have a feeling under all the thunder is a warm and gentle man.. Thank you for lending me your strength.. with the creator as my guide always.. lesa
Bold.. We have yet to have a chat but I have a feeling under all the thunder is a warm and gentle man.. Thank you for lending me your strength.. with the creator as my guide always.. lesa
Lesa, I can't bear the thought of signing on here and not seeing you, your pics, your posts. Your spirit belongs here. It's needed...not for MedHelp but for all of the people that come on here looking for help. You know that I'll support you no matter what. I know what a person of strong principle and character you are. I still have too much to learn from you. MedHelp needs to leave you alone and just let this ride. I just don't get it. Love you, Corey
You're welcome. I doubt they will perminantly ban you for this, because for the most part the admins are very understanding. They worked with me through some of my struggles on the website. They usually are very patient.
Lesa...It's back!!!!!!!! I The post. I hope that you find peace and healing in this as when I saw it I just melted.
Oh bless your heart Corey!!! Gotta go and look for myself!!!! Lesa is too good of a person to have all this happening.
Where is it? I can't find it.
It is back.. Oh gosh this is all I wanted.. Thank the Good Spirits Love and truth has been recognized for what it is.. Simple Humanity... I'm laughing and weeping.. Thank you Med Help for Helping me and Hearing My Plea.. all my respect... Thank You Everybody.. I'm overwhelmed I'm going to look now.. Oh Please let it be true Corey SARA LOVE YOU !! THANK YOU THANK YOU TO ALL
Theres our Lesa!!!!! Hot dam!!!!
I can't find it !!
I know this is petty but - no love left over for the rest of us who struggled with you in spirit. Glad you got it back. Have a wonderful night. wolf
It's 4 threads down. OMG I hope that this is the right thread. It has your post from you journal in it. It was from outoftowns thread about what caused your addiction. Oh God I hope I didn't mess up and that was not what you wanted. I posted a comment on it.
Love for you all Wolf my excitement is tremendous.. I'm sorry if I have offended you as this is not my intent.. My apologies I make public as it pains me that you do not feel my heart beat with the appreciation I feel for each of you individually as you all have played such a large and inspiring me and seeing this a possibility.. my special gratitude to you wolf as you understand a part of me no one else will.. My only hope is you forgive my exuberance as it has been a long 3 days..sincerely.. letakos
I found it on the 4th page i think. I saw it with my own eyes!!!!
I bumped up what I saw....My tummy is getting really sick.
Thank you everybody.. I have no words left right now.. I will let this rest right here as it should.. Thank you for all the help and support you have shown.. although not my journal entry with the out pouring of love.. I will settle for this.. as I love you all.. Thank you so very much for all you have given.. You all are the best in my honest opinion.. love and respect to all.. this most grateful Human and Addict.. letakos/lesa
Corey has a tummy ache........whats the matter with your tummy corey?
No one can see the friggin post but me and I thought that I got Lesa happy about it and It wasn't there.. Glad you guys saw it too..NERVES LOL
calm your nerves down girl......its all good now!!!!
Another happy ending on MedHelp. Good night John Boy, Good night Sara, Goodnight Lesa, Goodnight Wolf....Happy dreams:o)
Praise The Lord, Believe In Miracles and GOD will Guide and Protect You =0) :o) =) Thank You MH I'm one of your biggest fans =0) You helped to make one of my dearest Friends and Sisters Very Happy!!!!
<3 jimi (little wing =0) <3
<3 jimi (little wing =0) <3
I have to add something to this letakos you know how i feel about you and we have spoke about these things and im so glad that you have been able to say it all out in the open where it belongs. No one has the right to silence us and you were only speaking the truth and if they banned you i for one wouldnt be here as that would mean we didnt have the right to speak up for ourselves and i would never condone that so i must also say thanks to mh for bringing it back and making you happy i wonder if i speak out about my time in residential school and what happened there will they take that away too. I will write in my journal one day of what happened to me so we will just have to wait and see but im so happy for you letakos that it was brought back and you were not silenced and most of all you are still here helping others unselfishly as always Your brother James You rock girl
Thank you james and I will look forward to your journal.. warmly letakos
I had a friend go through really similiar things as you. I saw her confusion, anger, then sadness, and rebellion. She eventaully went to rehab for her addictions and to deal with some of her issues. There are so many children out there that have to experience such horrible things like you did, which is why I want to work with all of them when I grow up and show them that there are people out there who deeply care and will be there for them. Anyways, I think it is really admirable that you took control and changed your life around. Who cares how long it took, as long as you're happy now and living how you want then thats what matters.
Thank you Cassie :) I think it is admirable that you want to help mend the wounds when this happens to someone like me.. I agree.. there are many out of us out there.. Yes I'm Happy finally :) I'm comfortable speaking of it..My biggest obstacles where realizing the guilt I was taking on as a child did not belong to me and the rage I felt towards my step father was consuming me.. I'm grateful for my psychiatrist my family the support I receive here and most of all.. that this burden has been lifted and I have been able to put it into context.. Thank you once again for your very kind words.. warmly and respectfully lesa
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