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april 25th
Apr 25, 2008 03:50PM
- 1 comments
It's been so long since I had a journal. We'll do Bridget Jones style.
Weight: 296
Alcholol: 0 units
Mood: who knows.
Where do I start?
Pregnancy. God. Pregnancy. Just found out my other stepsister is pregnant again. So now my oldest sis is on her third and my older sis is on her second. How freaking frustrating is that? I'm so angry! and sad. and depressed. I can't keep telling people that Travis and I are just waiting so we can enjoy our marriage. 4 years of that is wearing thin. I can't keep telling him that I'm okay with not having a baby right now since I need to lose weight, because I may never lose weight. It's a vicious circle. If you lose weight, you help yourself getting pregnant and controlling the pcos, but it's hard to lose weight if you have pcos and thyroid problems so where does the damn thing end???? I'm so sick of trying to lose weight that I just half-*** it because I know it won't happen. I'm so sick of saying that I go back and forth between wanting a baby and not because I really do and I feel like less of a woman and partially empty without having one. I'm sick of the physical pain, the emotional pain, the medication, the sleeplessness, the depression, and everything else that goes hand in hand with this. Oh, and the dark spots. Don't even get me started on those damn dark spots. The markings that let other people know that you have a problem. The markings that make me feel so damn unsexy when I want to make love. Those damn spots that as a kid you scrubbed and scrubbed, and have memories of your mom scrubbing the back of your neck because she thought you were dirty. thanks for that too. the spots that you didn't know you had until your future husband pointed them out. thanks for that as well. the whole ignorance is bliss thing? yeah, i'm becoming a believer in that. What I wouldn't give for one healthy day. One day where I wake up, and feel great! Nothing aches, no stomach problems. Had a good nights sleep. and no damn moodiness. I'm sure Travis would appreciate that one as well. God, i'd love to give that to him. I know he must think I'm insane sometimes. Or that he's going insane because I change so much. He tries to understand. But it's got to be hard. I don't even understand my own moods or thoughts or anything. Can't expect anyone else to.
Well, time to sign off and start cooking some "healthy" food even though all I want is some biscuits and gravy and then take my meds. Including the joy of taking my yasmin later. how I love that.
Weight: 296
Alcholol: 0 units
Mood: who knows.
Where do I start?
Pregnancy. God. Pregnancy. Just found out my other stepsister is pregnant again. So now my oldest sis is on her third and my older sis is on her second. How freaking frustrating is that? I'm so angry! and sad. and depressed. I can't keep telling people that Travis and I are just waiting so we can enjoy our marriage. 4 years of that is wearing thin. I can't keep telling him that I'm okay with not having a baby right now since I need to lose weight, because I may never lose weight. It's a vicious circle. If you lose weight, you help yourself getting pregnant and controlling the pcos, but it's hard to lose weight if you have pcos and thyroid problems so where does the damn thing end???? I'm so sick of trying to lose weight that I just half-*** it because I know it won't happen. I'm so sick of saying that I go back and forth between wanting a baby and not because I really do and I feel like less of a woman and partially empty without having one. I'm sick of the physical pain, the emotional pain, the medication, the sleeplessness, the depression, and everything else that goes hand in hand with this. Oh, and the dark spots. Don't even get me started on those damn dark spots. The markings that let other people know that you have a problem. The markings that make me feel so damn unsexy when I want to make love. Those damn spots that as a kid you scrubbed and scrubbed, and have memories of your mom scrubbing the back of your neck because she thought you were dirty. thanks for that too. the spots that you didn't know you had until your future husband pointed them out. thanks for that as well. the whole ignorance is bliss thing? yeah, i'm becoming a believer in that. What I wouldn't give for one healthy day. One day where I wake up, and feel great! Nothing aches, no stomach problems. Had a good nights sleep. and no damn moodiness. I'm sure Travis would appreciate that one as well. God, i'd love to give that to him. I know he must think I'm insane sometimes. Or that he's going insane because I change so much. He tries to understand. But it's got to be hard. I don't even understand my own moods or thoughts or anything. Can't expect anyone else to.
Well, time to sign off and start cooking some "healthy" food even though all I want is some biscuits and gravy and then take my meds. Including the joy of taking my yasmin later. how I love that.
It's odd, I read your journal and all I can think about is, wow, this could be me. I mean really, I told people over and over again that the reason me and my husband didn't have any children was because we weren't ready....maybe we aren't, but it doesn't stop that longing inside that tells me everyday that I want one. I have PCOS and Hypothyroidism.
In February of 07, I went off birth control pills that I had been on since I was 15. 12 years on those little anti-baby makers. Things seemed fine for a while and then one month passed and another and another, still no period. My face started to break out, never really had a problem with any of that before. After about 8 months and only 2 periods later, I went to the doctor. She asked me a bunch of questions, how are your cycles?, well all I could think to say was, what cycles. Strike one. She asked me if I ever had a problem with acne before, nope. Strike two. Then I'm asked if I had a weight problem when I was younger, or did I ever have a problem before with gaining and losing weight, that'd be a no again. Strike three. She says she'll run some blood tests and check some hormone levels and things like that. Results come back in. I have PCOS. Have probably had it for quite a while but was on those damn pills so long that is took care of all the symptoms for me. In addition to the PCOS, I was informed that I also had Hypothyroidism. Like you know, to help with both conditions, you need to lose weight. If I could lose weight, more than likely I wouldnt have this problem. Losing the weight is the hardest part. I make plans to go on a diet, to exercise more, to take better care of myself....it'll work for like a day and then nothing. I get depressed, sit on the couch, watch tv and eat. I have also been on anti-depressants since I was 17 as well. Lately, the zoloft just isn't cutting it anymore. I can't pinpoint what is wrong and I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. My concentration is gone and I have absolutly no motivation to do anything. And to top it off, all the years my grandma has been telling me she wants me to give her her first great grandchild....my f*****g younger cousin and his wife of less than a year are pregnant. I just feel like I can't handle it anymore. And it's not like having a child would make my life so much better, but really, sometimes I think God has it out for me.
In February of 07, I went off birth control pills that I had been on since I was 15. 12 years on those little anti-baby makers. Things seemed fine for a while and then one month passed and another and another, still no period. My face started to break out, never really had a problem with any of that before. After about 8 months and only 2 periods later, I went to the doctor. She asked me a bunch of questions, how are your cycles?, well all I could think to say was, what cycles. Strike one. She asked me if I ever had a problem with acne before, nope. Strike two. Then I'm asked if I had a weight problem when I was younger, or did I ever have a problem before with gaining and losing weight, that'd be a no again. Strike three. She says she'll run some blood tests and check some hormone levels and things like that. Results come back in. I have PCOS. Have probably had it for quite a while but was on those damn pills so long that is took care of all the symptoms for me. In addition to the PCOS, I was informed that I also had Hypothyroidism. Like you know, to help with both conditions, you need to lose weight. If I could lose weight, more than likely I wouldnt have this problem. Losing the weight is the hardest part. I make plans to go on a diet, to exercise more, to take better care of myself....it'll work for like a day and then nothing. I get depressed, sit on the couch, watch tv and eat. I have also been on anti-depressants since I was 17 as well. Lately, the zoloft just isn't cutting it anymore. I can't pinpoint what is wrong and I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. My concentration is gone and I have absolutly no motivation to do anything. And to top it off, all the years my grandma has been telling me she wants me to give her her first great grandchild....my f*****g younger cousin and his wife of less than a year are pregnant. I just feel like I can't handle it anymore. And it's not like having a child would make my life so much better, but really, sometimes I think God has it out for me.
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