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Apr 28, 2008 08:06AM
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April 28,2008
Today, according to the internets Ovulation predicctor I am to be ovulating. My Partner and I have been trying for awhile now. There have been a few obstacles that I have to overcome alchohol, 2 yesterday which is GOOD 4 me, eating whihch is getting better and my level of stress. Hopefully, real soon we will find out that we are going to have a baby.
We have known eacother since 2006 and had a few encounters then. Fianally about a year ago we did hook-up. For the most part we get along real well, when I'm not drinking, he hates that. He claims that I am y=the woman that he wants to spend the rest of his life with, that kind of scares me. The more he says it though the more comfortable with the idea I become. It is obvious that the idea of commitment scares me but I would like to put my best foot forward and try to make it work.
Due to my drinking and whhat I thought to be true I pulled a few hurtful stunts, the stunts are correlated to my alcoholim and not to my rational thoughts. I should have known better. That ******* Ex of mine still has my head a little messed up. Mike doesn't seem to realize that when I tell him it WAS that bad it really WAS.
I love Mike very much. He gives me this feeling that I just don't understand and am not used to.
Sometimes I get angry with him and he doesn't know why. My son, the trial.
Richard Linley, should have listened to me to call MIke to testify. Truth of the matter is he, Mike, was the one there. Miss. Mouth would come home, give me a coffee and for the remainder of the day I was responsible for Joshua and Cody or just Josh. She just had herself convinced that Mike and i WERE MESSING AROUND, WHICH WE WEREN'T. She was physically punishing her son, Josh, in a way that was inappropriate. Okay........THAT WAS CHILD ABUSE. When I asked her to let me help she told me to mind my own business. I felt that, I WAS.
Consequently, I told Mike about this incident, I didn't know he was with Lisa. He called CAS. Also, he wanted a letter from me stating particulars of the incident. Initially, I was going to but, I was afraid of what the CAS would say due to the fact that I was excercising my access at her residence. The only reason that I ever told her about Lisa was because I was trying to be her friend. Also, in my opinion sleeping around with more than one person can be very dangerous, especially with all the drugs floating around in Stratford, not to mention STD's, HIV, hep, not my style . So I told her. Yeah, I knew she was hurt but I honestly felt that I was doing the right thing. Never did I intend on hurting her the way she did to me during that trial. She made me sound likee a low lifew alcoholic tramp. The rreality of it is, she got hurt, thought I was sleeping with Mike, possibly jelous in the way that I was effectively redirecting the kids and told the courts of 2 incidents. She called my lawyer and said she had concerns. BULL-****, She was jelous.
It didn't take a genius to figure that one out.
At any rate as much as I am still hurting over the loss of my precious little CODYBEAR, I am trying to move forward. Still the guilt is a little unbearable at times. Still, I get mad at Mike for not being there. He claims that he didn't know. Not because I love him now but because I WAS TELLING THE TRUTH.
Maybe now CAS, the lawyers and COPS will understand why I was drinking all the time. It really was that bad. They didn't know, they don't have x-rated vision. However ineffective my coping mechanisms I had underlying causes that
contributed to my excessive consumption. BRADLEY.
I truly felt that I knew what I was doing in terms of providing quality care to those 2 boys sober which, I was.
Still, I lost and it hurts like hell. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think of him. Also, my eating and the Stratford Cops know that I know that they know but that was stooping pretty low. Right-off. So what I thought it was there that dickhead dipping into my tips. Whatever, I went there and they didn't know what I was talking about. Enough said.
I am still a mess over all the abuse and really do want help but am afraid that the path I've been on is unbreakable. The truth is I've been hurt and am afraid to deal with it I hate the hurt, it truly tears me apart. Now that I have Mike still I question his intentions/motives for becoming involved with me. He knew about my problems. Well, some of them. He didn't know that the abuse was still taking place when I lived with Julie, nor did shhe. CAS-CODY. I felt it would be safer to keep my mouth shut. Things just got worse once I moved out on my own. He started calling all the time, watching my door through the bushes just causing me alot of grief. The incidents went unreported 'cause I did love him and he has kids and support payments to make. DNA, Beatings. I still don't know what I didi to deserve all of it. Yeah, it still hurts. We were going to get married. In the end I gave him his ring back and had not choice but to put him in jail. The POLICE went to Sara's place just to confirm the fact that I truly did have my son in a place of safety. In my heart I knew that it might **** Brad off but, I truly tried to comply with the CAS order. Brad called earlier in the day and he confirmed that he had been drinking. To this day I will never 4get the look in his eyes when he got home, went 2 Cody's room and the baby wasn't there. It hurt him. I truly am sorry for that but I felt that it would be best if he was not there just in case he snapped, which he did. In my heart I know that I did the right thing but, I can't help but wonder what if Cody had been there ? Yeah, I guess I was afraid of what he would do to him. He raised his voice b4 with both the kids. I hate that. They don't understand. I was doing that best I could while internalizing all the anger, hurt and sometimes hatred. I was trying with all MY HEART 2 protect them .
He claimed to both William and myself that he was being honrable but, I soon learned the truth about his infidelities. To this day I still don't understand WHY. Our sex life was satisfying on both partsd even he saiid that . So WHY then? Immaturity on his part behalf, who knows. Okay, I admit that near theend of our relationship I was so fed up with the drama that I finally went to the bar and hooked-up with someone else. No, IU'm not proud of it and no I didn't mean a thing I was just fed-up with his lies, hitting, yelling, chaeting and the lack of concern that he had for my son....OUR son. Rarely, did I get a cent in support nor did he but maybe 2-3 times come visit him. Once at Julie's, Mike was also there. Once at mine and Cody's place on Huron Street. He had asked 2 a few different times but I told him NO. Truly, I felt that Cody was confused enough, living in a foster home with a foster mother/father. I was truly prepared to single parent Cody. He deserved not to see how unhappy/afraid I truly was when his father was around. It wasn't always bad mind you. The sex wasd good. We "SOMETIMES" talked, he did take care of me, just not properly. He bought us, Cody and myself a television when ours broke. I pawned off our old one when he was in jail in order 2 get diapers/forulma. I got it back. Then I pawned it off again....with Mike to give Julie some $. See how things get messy just because of honesty.
Today, according to the internets Ovulation predicctor I am to be ovulating. My Partner and I have been trying for awhile now. There have been a few obstacles that I have to overcome alchohol, 2 yesterday which is GOOD 4 me, eating whihch is getting better and my level of stress. Hopefully, real soon we will find out that we are going to have a baby.
We have known eacother since 2006 and had a few encounters then. Fianally about a year ago we did hook-up. For the most part we get along real well, when I'm not drinking, he hates that. He claims that I am y=the woman that he wants to spend the rest of his life with, that kind of scares me. The more he says it though the more comfortable with the idea I become. It is obvious that the idea of commitment scares me but I would like to put my best foot forward and try to make it work.
Due to my drinking and whhat I thought to be true I pulled a few hurtful stunts, the stunts are correlated to my alcoholim and not to my rational thoughts. I should have known better. That ******* Ex of mine still has my head a little messed up. Mike doesn't seem to realize that when I tell him it WAS that bad it really WAS.
I love Mike very much. He gives me this feeling that I just don't understand and am not used to.
Sometimes I get angry with him and he doesn't know why. My son, the trial.
Richard Linley, should have listened to me to call MIke to testify. Truth of the matter is he, Mike, was the one there. Miss. Mouth would come home, give me a coffee and for the remainder of the day I was responsible for Joshua and Cody or just Josh. She just had herself convinced that Mike and i WERE MESSING AROUND, WHICH WE WEREN'T. She was physically punishing her son, Josh, in a way that was inappropriate. Okay........THAT WAS CHILD ABUSE. When I asked her to let me help she told me to mind my own business. I felt that, I WAS.
Consequently, I told Mike about this incident, I didn't know he was with Lisa. He called CAS. Also, he wanted a letter from me stating particulars of the incident. Initially, I was going to but, I was afraid of what the CAS would say due to the fact that I was excercising my access at her residence. The only reason that I ever told her about Lisa was because I was trying to be her friend. Also, in my opinion sleeping around with more than one person can be very dangerous, especially with all the drugs floating around in Stratford, not to mention STD's, HIV, hep, not my style . So I told her. Yeah, I knew she was hurt but I honestly felt that I was doing the right thing. Never did I intend on hurting her the way she did to me during that trial. She made me sound likee a low lifew alcoholic tramp. The rreality of it is, she got hurt, thought I was sleeping with Mike, possibly jelous in the way that I was effectively redirecting the kids and told the courts of 2 incidents. She called my lawyer and said she had concerns. BULL-****, She was jelous.
It didn't take a genius to figure that one out.
At any rate as much as I am still hurting over the loss of my precious little CODYBEAR, I am trying to move forward. Still the guilt is a little unbearable at times. Still, I get mad at Mike for not being there. He claims that he didn't know. Not because I love him now but because I WAS TELLING THE TRUTH.
Maybe now CAS, the lawyers and COPS will understand why I was drinking all the time. It really was that bad. They didn't know, they don't have x-rated vision. However ineffective my coping mechanisms I had underlying causes that
contributed to my excessive consumption. BRADLEY.
I truly felt that I knew what I was doing in terms of providing quality care to those 2 boys sober which, I was.
Still, I lost and it hurts like hell. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think of him. Also, my eating and the Stratford Cops know that I know that they know but that was stooping pretty low. Right-off. So what I thought it was there that dickhead dipping into my tips. Whatever, I went there and they didn't know what I was talking about. Enough said.
I am still a mess over all the abuse and really do want help but am afraid that the path I've been on is unbreakable. The truth is I've been hurt and am afraid to deal with it I hate the hurt, it truly tears me apart. Now that I have Mike still I question his intentions/motives for becoming involved with me. He knew about my problems. Well, some of them. He didn't know that the abuse was still taking place when I lived with Julie, nor did shhe. CAS-CODY. I felt it would be safer to keep my mouth shut. Things just got worse once I moved out on my own. He started calling all the time, watching my door through the bushes just causing me alot of grief. The incidents went unreported 'cause I did love him and he has kids and support payments to make. DNA, Beatings. I still don't know what I didi to deserve all of it. Yeah, it still hurts. We were going to get married. In the end I gave him his ring back and had not choice but to put him in jail. The POLICE went to Sara's place just to confirm the fact that I truly did have my son in a place of safety. In my heart I knew that it might **** Brad off but, I truly tried to comply with the CAS order. Brad called earlier in the day and he confirmed that he had been drinking. To this day I will never 4get the look in his eyes when he got home, went 2 Cody's room and the baby wasn't there. It hurt him. I truly am sorry for that but I felt that it would be best if he was not there just in case he snapped, which he did. In my heart I know that I did the right thing but, I can't help but wonder what if Cody had been there ? Yeah, I guess I was afraid of what he would do to him. He raised his voice b4 with both the kids. I hate that. They don't understand. I was doing that best I could while internalizing all the anger, hurt and sometimes hatred. I was trying with all MY HEART 2 protect them .
He claimed to both William and myself that he was being honrable but, I soon learned the truth about his infidelities. To this day I still don't understand WHY. Our sex life was satisfying on both partsd even he saiid that . So WHY then? Immaturity on his part behalf, who knows. Okay, I admit that near theend of our relationship I was so fed up with the drama that I finally went to the bar and hooked-up with someone else. No, IU'm not proud of it and no I didn't mean a thing I was just fed-up with his lies, hitting, yelling, chaeting and the lack of concern that he had for my son....OUR son. Rarely, did I get a cent in support nor did he but maybe 2-3 times come visit him. Once at Julie's, Mike was also there. Once at mine and Cody's place on Huron Street. He had asked 2 a few different times but I told him NO. Truly, I felt that Cody was confused enough, living in a foster home with a foster mother/father. I was truly prepared to single parent Cody. He deserved not to see how unhappy/afraid I truly was when his father was around. It wasn't always bad mind you. The sex wasd good. We "SOMETIMES" talked, he did take care of me, just not properly. He bought us, Cody and myself a television when ours broke. I pawned off our old one when he was in jail in order 2 get diapers/forulma. I got it back. Then I pawned it off again....with Mike to give Julie some $. See how things get messy just because of honesty.