Do you ever feel like....

I have gotten myself into quite a pickle; 6 years ago I moved to Virginia with my parents from AZ, thinking I was getting sicker and I wanted to help them get their house in shape to sell so we all could move someplace we liked.  We all HATE it here in Virginia, and my dislike of Phoenix was growing.  I figured 3 was better than one.
I was wrong, dead wrong.
My health declined visibly and has down a downward spiral for the six years to what I consider completely unacceptable condition even under the care of a Physicians Assistant, all my Doctor's to date have tried to kill me with their ignorance or incompetence, including this most recent - although it was not him directly it was his staff.
I am on disability for severe depression and brittle asthma (types 1 & 2).
When I came here I foolishly thought I would be moving in with 2 other adults and thus spread the chores...I now feel that I was manipulated into coming here, (although the final decision was mine), to be a household Jack of all trades.
I paint and repaint rooms according to the whims (and finances) of my mother, my father - well, he gives lazy a bad name.
Currently I reside in what was supposed to be the 'workshop' area of our barn it is about 12 x 30 feet - no frills, no plumbing, no storage, no closets, etc...this too was supposed to be temporary, 1 maybe 2 years at most while we got the house in order and sold it.  One can tolerate amazing things if they believe them to be temporary, 5 years is not temporary!  I am sick of living like some college dorm reject, I am 40 years old and 90% of my life is still in boxes in the barn, my room is 3 different colors because I can never just be allowed to do my room.  I pay my entire check into the household every month and I feel slighted, and I feel guilty that I feel slighted - after all my mom is in her mid 60's and Dads is 72.  So I keep doing things when I know I should not and my health will decline or one of many broken bones will cause considerable discomfort (I have osteoperosis also), but I keep cooking meal, cleaning up, paying bills and in the mean time they just soak it up like sponges - I am convinced my father is a sociopath,,,he feels nothing about others, its all about him!  
In the entire time of living here I have made no friends, I have no other relatives and I do not go out because we are so rural and removed from the city it makes it geographically undesirable to drive that far (120 miles round trip to nearest big city).
I am thinking all the time what happens if I lose them, my father has us so far in debt me and our animals will be out on the street!  And I have no friends or relatives to call on for help....I just realized, if my parents were to die tomorrow and leave me their house and its contents, then I die - I would not have one single person in the entire world to leave my things to, family heirlooms, antiques, etc...I don't even have anyone who could be executor.  Now that is depressing.  The only people I have spoken with in the last six years besides my parents are store clerks, or my Doc and his staff!!!
Same holds true for my mother...
it is almost like being in prison, but with out all the amenities!
I am tired and unwell, but I still have to go onto the house and cook dinner, as I do most nights, then do the dishes, as I do most nights and then I can do the night time chores for our animals (we operate a no kill sanctuary), and I am the last to bed, and the first to rise because I have insomnia...
I am currently taking, besides a plethora of asthma medications, I am not on copious amounts of medications to counteract the adverse effects of the asthma medications!   Including anti-psychotics and sleeping pills, anti-anxiety....
My health is a wreck and I cannot seem to find a qualified doctor with in a 100 mile radius!
I live in fear of what is to become of me, I live constantly wanting, praying to die because I am a burden to myself and others...and after 40 years I am just sick and frickin' tired of being sick and tired.
Anyone who knows about corticosteroids knows there are side effects like mood swings, agitation, etc., so when you are on it you have to be hyper vigilant about what you say ans how you say it and how you interact with people, because all you really want to do is scream and hit things - but you can't, you have to rein those feelings in, and I have for 20 years held it in or took it out on myself and then it happened - full steroid psychotic event, complete break down, and since then I feel like all 29 years have broken the damn and all want out and to act out, say the things we shouldn't say, do all those things we shouldn't do (like punching people in the back of the head at the grocery store).
I have never been visibly emotional, I do not allow others to see that side of me when it does come out and now it seems to be out of control and I dont know how to rein it back...
holding onto 3 decades of resentment and anger, and betrayal is getting increasingly more difficult....so I pop another xanex, have a glass or 2 of wine with it, pop another ....and hope for the best, but know the worst.