Jun 15, 2009
Bipolar has been an interesting, frustrating, life threatening and destroying condition I have endured for as long as I can remember. I didn't know exactly why I was - the way I was - until last year.
I remember growing up and having to think about how to act/behave and what mood to feel....not really just be me, but to think about what I should do and say and the facial expressions I should have - exhausting. My nicknames were "little white tornado" (I had snow white hair) and "smiley". It was so evident then at such a young age that I went back and forth a lot. The "little white tornado" was when I was "hyper" and got into a lot of trouble (and consequently imaginative including demons), and "smiley" was when I pasted that smile on my little face and hoped I would become invisible if I would just smile.
As I got older, the task of me being the correct person got a little harder. My therapist says I have a chameleon syndrome (I adjust to the situation), and I guess that's much so. Pretty much though, I have discovered that (and my best friend tells me, too), that I have three faces of ....ME.
1) depressed me that isolates EVERYONE - I mean everyone. and just can't get up...period (Depressive episode)
2) sweet - funny - cheerleader me...very much the people pleaser - feelings get hurt easy. (mania)
3) Mean b*tchy angry me....not a nice person. (mania)
As I have become "stable" and more "self-aware" I have tried and tried to discover who the me is...is that possible? At 41 can I discover who the me is? I feel like I am a combo of all, but the meds numb me down, and it's hard to tell!
the three faces of ME - today, which one will I be?