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The three faces of ...ME

Jun 15, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

Bipolar

,

coping

,

self-aware



Bipolar has been an interesting, frustrating, life threatening and destroying condition I have endured for as long as I can remember.  I didn't know exactly why I was - the way I was - until last year.  

I remember growing up and having to think about how to act/behave and what mood to feel....not really just be me, but to think about what I should do and say and the facial expressions I should have - exhausting.  My nicknames were "little white tornado" (I had snow white hair) and "smiley".  It was so evident then at such a young age that I went back and forth a lot.  The "little white tornado" was when I was "hyper" and got into a lot of trouble (and consequently imaginative including demons), and "smiley" was when I pasted that smile on my little face and hoped I would become invisible if I would just smile.

As I got older, the task of me being the correct person got a little harder.  My therapist says I have a chameleon syndrome (I adjust to the situation), and I guess that's much so.  Pretty much though, I have discovered that (and my best friend tells me, too), that I have three faces of ....ME.  

1) depressed me that isolates EVERYONE - I mean everyone. and just can't get up...period  (Depressive episode)
2) sweet - funny - cheerleader me...very much the people pleaser - feelings get hurt easy.  (mania)
3) Mean b*tchy angry me....not a nice person.  (mania)

As I have become "stable" and more "self-aware" I have tried and tried to discover who the me is...is that possible?  At 41 can I discover who the me is?  I feel like I am a combo of all, but the meds numb me down, and it's hard to tell!

the three faces of ME - today, which one will I be?

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