Having a Rough Day

I'm moving tomorrow into the house that i hope we are able to buy and i cannot wait, i am super excited. But i did not know how tough it was going to be putting away Aidyn's bedding. I have been putting it off all week knowing i was going to have to do it before tomorrow so i must have known deep down it was going to hurt but the second i started untying the bumper i started crying. For the obvious reasons, im upset because i wont be setting it up again, i will be putting it away. For another reason i guess, he no longer has a room. He doesnt have his own place. We did a shadow box, that i just finished like 2 weeks ago and planned on putting up pictures after we moved, and have a wall that will be his wall in our loft that i will be putting his name plate that i painted (its in one of the nursery pictures) the shadow box, a picture frame that has all of his ultrasound pictures in, and a shelf for all of his stuff that was too big or too heavy for the shadow box. My goal was to get it all up and take a picture to share with everyone. After we move, this chapter is finally closed. It didnt take finding out we were going to have another baby, or making it past where everything happened with Aidyn, its now, after taking away the only thing left that was just his. I havent put anything in his room for Bryce. Everything in there (of course although most of it will be passed to Bryce) is all Aidyn's stuff. The only other thing that will remain his and his alone is his birthday. As some of you know, i am due September 30th, i had Aidyn September 28th. We talked to my ob and i will be induced by September 21st if i have not already started going into labor. Its not that we didnt want our boys to have the same birthday, we just want Aidyn to have something of his own. Nor do we want to be in the hospital the same time i was last year. Its already going to be a nightmare until i have Bryce in my arms, alive and moving and crying, and looking into my eyes. Until that moment, i know i will be a mess just waiting for something to go wrong because that it all i have to base my last stay on.

And now that i am here feeling how i am right now, hopefully someone can shed some light that was in a similar situation. I am so scared, and i have not told anyone this expect my best friend, not even Jason, that i am going to feel guilty with Bryce. I dont know why and things may change once he is actually here but when i talk to him now, i sometimes feel bad, like i am putting Aidyn to the side all because i have a new baby on the way. We go visit Aidyn, usually every 2 weeks, but sometimes more and anytime we are in the area or the cemetery is on our way home. We still go in EVERY NIGHT and squeeze his little angel that Noela, Ray and Zeva (Zevasmom) sent us and say good night. We have not missed a single night since we opened the door to his room about a week after i came home from the hospital. We take his angel with us when we go out of town. I go in EVERY morning and open his blinds and say good morning. I wont get to do that anymore. It hurts. Knowing he really is physically gone!! It does get easier dealing with the pain but the pain does not get lighter and today more then any other day in a long time does that really mean true!!!!  I think i need to just go take a nap!! Maybe he will visit me and let me know things are ok and will be ok!!

Aidyn i love you and miss you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!