Jane's Story

[Received Mar 2004]

Yes I'm A Girl Too

I was born in the late 1960's in an era that, despite popular cultural belief of openness in the "anything goes man" swinging decade, had a closeted view of Intersex and Intersexed individuals. This was compounded by parents, who even today, find it a subject they do not wish to discuss, preferring to bury their heads in the sand.

I was born with both male and female genitalia, albeit with a hypospadic micro-penis. I had major surgeries and plastic surgery throughout my childhood as such that my abiding memories of childhood revolve around catheterisation and a penis that more resembled a hedgehog with quills made of sharp nylon stitches that made a habit of snagging in clothing, bedding and generally anywhere that could cause me discomfort!.

No explanation was ever given to me about myself and what these operations were for. I was just told that I looked different to all the other kids "down below" and that I would be having a lot of hospital visits. The best I got from my parents was "you're going to go into hospital, and then come home, you will be sore and have time off school". That was the sum knowledge of all I was ever told until I was about 16, despite curiosity which was shrugged off and the topic changed rapidly. I realised very quickly that I was different, and different to look at, as there seemed a regular stream of medical staff asking to look between my legs at the local teaching hospital. I went into accident and emergency with an arm injury and was approached by a group of doctors asking if they could look between my legs whilst I was there!

From about the age of 6 I realised that I was neither a girl or a boy. My brain was telling me that I was a "mix" and I wanted to live that way, even at that early age. Of course, my parents were horrified and immediately suppressed any thoughts of "girl's interests". Thoughts of girl's clothes, Barbie dolls or anything feminine brought on immediate verbal chastisement. I was going to be their little boy no matter what and I often cried myself to sleep at nights saying to myself "I am a little boy but I'm a little girl too" I read about Intersex conditions in the 21st century, and support and counselling, a far cry from my formulative years when there was no discussion whatsoever of any kind, apart from as mentioned above, being told the date of my next hospital visit.

It was not until I was 16 when the taboo and secrecy was finally broken, not by my parents, but my grandmother, who told me that I had been born as one of the most "perfect mixes" ever recorded and at birth they had no idea of my gender. My parents picked a little boy and as such the surgeries revolved around issues such as sealing my vagina, removing my clitoris (I still remember using this to urinate rather than my penis for many years of my childhood) and dealing with my womb to address ovulation. The surgeries went on for years and I remembered that "little opening between my legs" going away and all of a sudden everything kicked into place. The constant medication equated to a masculinisation treatment to give me the "benefit" of facial hair etc.

Does this mean that a girl was turned into a boy? No, not really, I am a mix, the male side of me works fine. My penis and testicles function and I have a good sperm count. Apparently this is what makes me so rare, that both the male and female in me were fully functional, albeit with some interesting internal wiring!, that put the doctors and my parents into the situation of "picking a gender".

The point that they all missed during my childhood and throughout these surgeries was that I had never wanted to be a little boy or a little girl, but a little boy and little girl at the same time! I would have been more than happy to have been left alone! The surgeries themselves haven't been a startling success either. I have regular occurrences of penile fistulas (holes opening in the penis through which urine spurts!), collapses of my urethra and even hair blocking my penile tubes (as a result of original plastic surgery using flesh from my legs which now grows hair inside the penis causing me a whole new meaning to discomfort!).

All the surgery and secrecy achieved was disguising that I was half boy - half girl, something, now I am in adulthood, I have no wish to hide away from at all. I am still adamant that I want to live as a "half and half" and do so in my daily life. I am entirely happy with who I am and how I was made.

The issues that I face in my 30's today are not related to coming to terms with myself but rather are twofold, firstly the ongoing requirement for penile surgeries as each new rupture appears and the biggest issue of all is being recognised for who I am by others without stigma.

Because of my "guy" face I have found it hard for people to understand that I am also female. I have chosen a girl's name for myself. I have become "Jane" in everything from banking to the utility bills to my personal life. This wasn't an attempt at being "just female" rather as a counterbalance to my masculine features. With a guy body and face (at superficial glance anyway) coupled to a girl's name (a name I adore also and always wanted!) if people think me as a mix of genders then the intention has been achieved. I still have a guy name on my passport and driving licence in addition to Jane, which shows as the middle name there, although I would be more than happy to have no traces of guy name left at all, but my wife ( my orientation is as a hetero male) prefers I keep some vestige of male in my name and she comes before everything else in the world and is considerably more important than a name on my passport. She fully accepts me as a mix and we love each other dearly. If anyone out there thinks that they have the finest wife in the world, they have not met mine, so sorry you have the second best wife!

In terms of clothing, I wear a mix too. For some reason I prefer girls' clothes below the waist and guys' clothes above. I have no clue as to why, it is just the way I am. My wife is also completely supportive of this although we both recognise that certain outfits may attract more attention. She is incredibly wonderful though in that she gives me complete freedom of choice. The way it works is that I make a choice and discuss it with her and she is wonderful at telling me the pro's and con's and what people will or will not think. If I still continue and go ahead, then it's a done deal and she expects me to live with my choice and not hide the choice from view. As an example, I bought pink ballet type shoes, worn with pink ankle socks. She now expects me to get on with it and wear them and deal with the consequences. She is quite firm if I ever get embarrassed with what I wear and is not impressed if I try and hide something or avoid a busy aisle in the supermarket etc. Once I make a choice she prefers I get on with it in full public view regardless of the situation and take the rough with the smooth.

Of course this is the most wonderful way to help me with the situation, I have a full freedom of choice and then I am expected to live with my decisions. This is considerably better than being offended by what I wear or do and refusing me the option or, on the other side of the coin, offering me sympathy whenever someone says something about how I am dressed which just makes me feel worse. The no-nonsense "deal with it" attitude is a wonderful way to overcome my own demons. For me, whether I am dressed in girls' clothes or boys' clothes they all feel quite natural and I wear what I want. The embarrassment stems from looking "such a guy" and people not realising that "I am a girl too" Guys in guys' clothes look like guys, girls in girls' clothes look like girls, unfortunately for the Intersexed there is no immediate recognition. People don't look and say, that's ok, Jane is Intersexed, a mix of clothing is quite normal! I cannot be recognised for what I am in the street and this for me is the greatest hurdle I face in my daily life.

Of course, living the life of a "mix" and wanting to continue doing so (as it's the unforced natural me that I am most comfortable with) I have told friends who have all been very supportive. Once they are told that I was born as much girl as boy it has all become a non-issue to them.

I have no wish to hide how I am, as that is just denying my own heritage, thoughts, feelings and physical biology, I just wish this message could be communicated to the world at large, so the whole world is aware, and it ceases to be an issue, or me a curiosity and have the world realise "yes I'm a boy, but I'm a girl too!"

Jane wrote again a few days later, giving more background about her condition:

I just wanted to confirm with you that I'm OK to be a member of the group.. as my medical circumstance isn't actually AIS or PAIS, although I thought I might be welcome under the "other intersex condition" banner?

My condition is actually chimeraism. My particular situation has only ever occured 30 times in recorded medical history and out of those 30 births most of the sufferers die either very young or are stillborn. I believe, currently, there are only 4 of us alive in the world with my medical situation.

What happened is that during pregnancy my mother was carrying twins, one boy, one girl, by a fluke of nature both twins, a fair old way down the development cycle fuse into one child with one body. This is a "chimera twin". So I fused with my sister (or brother depending on how you look at me) and ended up with one body from the two of us. For instance one of my kidneys even has a different DNA code to the other! and this is repeated throughout my body. That fusion, a kind of ultimate siamese twin, created the situation whereby I was born with both sets of sexual organs etc etc.

Male-Male and female-female fusions are more common with chimera twins (I use the word common loosely, as this is still one in many millions of births), but as stated above boy-girl fusions have only ever happened 30 times with only a handful of us surviving (I was heavily premature).

Thats why, its not really just "identifying" as both male and female, its also the physical case in my case.. Being such a rare and completely intersexed person I hoped that I could share my situation with others who are intersexed in other degrees, as I see many of them are sad, lonely, worried and seem very isolated, whereas in my case I'm extremely happy with my life and have learnt to accept myself for who I am. I hope I can share that optimism that myself and my wife have.

I did want to check though, if someone with my condition would be able to participate in the group.