Gosia's Story

[Received Mar 2002]

Dear Madam,

My first step towards coming to terms with myself and the whole society.

I don't really know what I will write about... I guess that I feel compulsive need to tell someone the truth. The whole truth about me... I was diagnosed wit AIS, CAIS - to be more specific.

I just had my gonads removed. The laparoscopy took place on Tuesday and the stitches still give me a little pain. By this pain is teeny tiny compared to the one I feel in the heart of hearts. My whole world turned completly upside down and I feel I don't fit in. It's not even about being incapable of giving birth to children, as I've known about it for about a year know. I knew there were some genetic modifications but I didn't ask exactly what it was all about. The sole idea that never in my life will I feel my children's heartbeat under my own heart depressed me so much that subconsciously I didn't want to know more. It was all I needed.. It was even too much to feel defective... But the real shock had still awaited me... I learned the truth a little more than a week ago.

7 March - this is the date when I started to doubt my feminity. This is the date when I started to feel I don't deserve any man's love.... I couldn't conceive of any possibilty for me to have a joyous, happy life... The fact that in each and every cell I carry XY chromosomes and from genetic point of view I would be regarded as a man cast a shadow on my future...

I know that maybe I'm exeggarating, that my future still may be colourful and full of satisfaction.... At least that's what I am told.

Maybe I should also say that I didn't go through all of this alone. I have two sisters, one of them, the elder one is like me - XY female, and the other is like mom - a carrier. During my stay in hospital (I just got home today) me and my sister were constantly in the company of my mom and her sister, who is herself XY female..... My parents are divorced and my father doesn't know anything.. he doesn't even know I don't have my period... My younger sister is just 14 and she doesn't know the whole truth yet. She only knows that her sister won't have children, but she is unaware that she carries in her body the default gene...

Well, never in my life have I written such a letter. It's like a confession. But I needed it.. I would like very much to talk to someone who is like me. Of course I have solace in my sister and aunt but... don't get me wrong - talking to them is humongous help, but still it's one family and I need to know there are others like us who are coping well in their lifes. I just would like to talk to them for a moment... Reading the personal stories on the web site was extremely helpful and it made me want for more contact with females like me..... I realise that probably it will only be possible through email as there are no support groups here in Poland. I wish I were strong enough to bring together all the XY women here in Poland... I am willing to take effort but I don't even know how...

Thank You, whoever You are for coming to the end of this letter. It was for me the first step, the first step I had to make to get to know women like me. And even though there is a long way ahead of me, from now on I'll try to see the light at the end of the tunnel...

Thank You once more for being there, thousands kilometres away and "listening" to this. Talking about this is difficult for me and my hope is that one day I will be more at ease....

Yours faithfully,

Gosia

P.S. This letter is chaotic but please make allowances for the amalgam of feelings inside of me. At the moment, they don't allow me to think logically....