Maya's Story

[Received Jan 2001]

Funny how the world works. I was walking home tonight after spending my last moments with one of my best friends who tomorrow is scheduled to have a C-section to give birth to twins. I was feeling both the excitement for her new life and the sadness that has accompanied me because of my CAIS when BEHOLD! I reached the mailbox and found a newsletter from the support group and sat down to read it a while. I just reread most of the personal stories on the website and cried (what a strange feeling to cry before a computer!). My last words to my friend was "I don't want to let you go", partially because I know, from this day forward, she will be so immersed in her life as a mother that our friendship won't quite be the same, but also because I felt, once again, like I was the only girl in town not invited to the party.

My name is Maya and I am twenty-seven years old. I learned of my condition in various stages, beginning with my mother announcing to me at the age of nine, in front of a group of her friends at dinner, that I would not mother any children. Like all of you who have AIS, I have endured many moments of shame, confusion and anger that seem too lengthy to mention. It is a great thing to read other people's accounts and I look forward to one day being able to met one of you in person.

I am a romantic. From a young age I have had a fantasy of being trapped in a burning building or some similar predicament and being rescued by a man. At 27, I find myself waiting for this man to come and pull me out of this hole of shame and self-loathing. Ironically, I don't let many of the "nice guys" I've met near me and those who have rejected me I cling to, emotionally-psychologically, even though I don't see them anymore. If I were to add up all the months I've ever been in a relationship, they wouldn't add up to a year. I'm afraid.

I live in a fantasy world. I met a man 3 1/2 years ago to whom, on the first date, I told everything about AIS, the medical nightmares, the fears I had of being rejected, the lack of sex drive, my eternal dream to have intimacy etc. I wondered if he even heard me or if he was just wondering if I was going to give it up. Nevertheless, I fell madly in love with this man who ended it with me three months later on account of there being a lack of "chemistry". After all, this was a man who jokingly told me "passion" was his middle name. I shut down-broken. Two years of celibacy went by and not one day went by that I did not think of him every [time] I saw a beautiful woman, a mother, or a couple in love. One day, two years later, he came to his senses. On the night we reunited he told me not to "worry about the sex". I wish this were a happy story to impart to all my fellow AIS-ers but unfortunately I'm a glutton for pain and heartbreak. Four months later he broke up with me claiming to be sexually frustrated. If anyone is sexually frustrated it's me. I see sex everywhere and in everything and yet I feel numb from the waist down.

I'm obsessed with sex and yet I don't have it. I think a therapist I called on the phone once referred to it as "sexual anorexia". Oddly enough I was a very sexual child up until the age of 11 when the reality of not developing like other girls set in. I mentioned this discrepancy to the endocrinologist who performed my gonadectomy and she stated that "sexuality is still a mystery to us." Is the comfort I feel with sleeping alone determined by my lack of male hormone or by my fears of confronting "the issue". I'm very curious about all of you with CAIS who have married or have long-term partners. Friends and family have always insisted to me that "sex doesn't matter" etc. But I feel it does. Even if I were to have a partner that was okay with my lack of sexual prowess, I would forever be riddled with feelings of guilt that they were denying themselves of something so organic to human experience as sexuality.

I'm afraid I can never be in a relationship; not with anyone my age. The dread I feel when waking up next to someone with an erection is too much for me. I seek professional and non-professional advice. People have jokingly told me I should become involved with an "older" man. I've had my share of sex with middle-aged men and even though I'm relieved that they can't go all night long, they're still men and to them, I still have what every man supposedly wants. I thought I should go really "older" until I talked to a friend of mine who works at a senior citizen home and told me that one of her jobs is to keep the elders from getting it on. There goes that theory. A lesbian physician's assistant who prescribes my hormones to me at a clinic for "transgender people" suggested I consider being a lesbian. I've had a few experiences with women and from what I can tell, they're just as horny as men (if not worse). A psychologist friend of mine suggested I try masturbating every night before sleep. I confess that he may as well have told me to do push up's because it's the farthest thing from my mind.

I often think that people like us in ancient times probably became nuns or monks. Sometimes I think I'd find peace living in the wilderness with a dog and a horse and a clan of children who never grew up to develop "normally". I live across the street from a middle school and I'm embarrassed to admit I feel an odd sense of jealousy of girls [of] that age, with their entry into womanhood. Inside I am still a child. I can say that my bareness (lovely word) has given me a deep appreciation for children. Since I was 18, I have worked as a teacher-tutor-mentor to children from all types of ethnic and economic backgrounds and ages. My most cherished moments have been giving hugs and praise to children who may not otherwise have the opportunity to experience kindness in their everyday lives. I am now working towards getting a master's degree in traditional Chinese medicine and still dreaming to find the magical Chinese herbal elixir that will rid me of my heart's burden.

I extend my heart to you all openly and will keep you in my prayers. May you feel peace.

Maya