Feb 2020 Check In Journals
Sort By:  

I hate my life

Feb 07, 2020 - 2 comments

How? People ask me this all the time. How is it that I could hate my life? Well, I just do! I have so much pain. And I hate the pain. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. All I want to do is eat and sleep. I want to stay away from the world, better yet, I'd love if I could leave this world. Its not for me. This place is just not for me. When my mom was around, she was my biggest fan and she needed me for everything. I felt overwhelmed sometimes because I couldn't provide all that I wanted to because I was so exhausted. Ex., I talked to her on a Thursday and she cried saying she wanted to see me and its been too long. I was so exhausted to travel to Sacramento, and I used to feel depressed going there also, so I told her I couldn't go this time. A couple of days later, she passed away. Its been almost two months now since she's been gone, but I hate myself for not seeing my mom. I brought her a shawl and really nice gifts from my vacation to Thailand. And I gave them to her on the day of her funeral.

Yah.. life really does suck. I'm nothing but a shell right now. No one needs me anymore. Everyone thinks i'm just such a happy person and so lucky to have the life I'm living, but how am I lucky?? I have a great job, yes; a good family; roof over my head, a great dog .. then whats missing?? My parents are missing. My happiness is missing. My mind is cloudy. I hate everything.

Everything I did before I used to tell my mom and she would be my cheerleader. She'd be so happy for me about the littlest things. Of course I would lie so much to her to make her happy. She would never like going to the dr's to get herself checked. I told her that her dr visits were free because my Company paid for everything. Not true of course lol.

But now she's in heaven and I can't hide anything from her anymore. She's sees my sorrow. She sees all that I hid from her. She sees why I can't have a baby and how I really feel about that. She sees how vaginismus is effecting me and making me feel like the worse person alive.

Yah sure.. I have a great job, great family and others may think I have a great life. But no one but those in heaven know really whats going on with me. I'm useless from every angle.

And NOW .. I'm sleepy. Only 1:30p on a Friday. Thats my life.