I am doing okay - still clean and sober. Trying to figure out how to stay this way.
How are you? Have your moods leveled out?
How much does your Dr know about what you have gone through? I know it's tricky being in your field - but maybe there is somethig more going on. You are human after all!!
I get a bit anxious, but mostly flat more than anything.
But I guess we can't expect miracles - I've abused substances most of my life - 30 days isn't going to fix all that ails me!
Hang in there!
I am with you on the snow - we have been shoveling for 3 days now - it's cold and I hate it! I have no idea why I live in Eastern Ontario - the winters are too darn cold and long.
I am okay - 30 days clean. Not feeling terrible, and have had a few good days - my biggest thing is still my energy level, and feeling flat more than anything.
I find the cravings really bad on the days when my energy is low - my need for instant gratification.
Right now I am trying to focus on just staying clean.
Hope you are hanging in there!
Congratulations! Time for a celebration... Day 50! You rock!
You should be proud! I often wonder if I can do it (sobriety) for the next 40 years... but with doing something you love and knowing you're clean should suffice.
Great Job Gerty... you made it through the holidays and the thick of it. Spring is just around the corner and you'll def. see a whole new side of you!
Happy New years Trudy!
I am not sure about you - but I am looking forward to 2010. I expect some tough times - but for years I have been in a fog - going no where - now I have a chance to live life - experience all the good and bad!
I can't believe all the new people - so many struggling with this drug. I do miss the old familiar posts.
Hope you didn't have to work too much over the holidays.
Now onto New Years eve!!
We have just invited a few friends over for fondue - it will be a low keyed but fun evening. Catch up on all of the others Christmas horror stories! It is nice to know that almost everyone has their share of stress and chaos over the holidays lol - misery loves company!
I am home now and feeling a little more settled.
I am passed the angry point - I am an addict - my lot in life - it is who I am and I really do want to find a way to fill that void without drugs or alcohol. That void shouldn't be there - we shouldn't always have to fill it. I am hoping that the longer I manage sobriety, the more insight I will have into why the need to escape reality all the time.
I am glad to be home and to get back into my routine - back to meetings and getting focused on wanting sobriety and the change in my life.
Hope you are doing okay.
I ****** up - got hold of some percs and just could not pass. Okay - I was looking for it - I just cannot take my mom - she makes me feel like a stupid, fat 10 year old. Mean and angry when she drinks.
So I screwed up - nice huh. Merry Christmas*#*&?)
Now I am craving like crazy, mad and wanting to go home.
We leave in the morning.
I will let you know how I survive the last night.
Hey Trudy, sounds like you are surviving - I am in a better mood today - got my but kicked by my nephews a wi boxing - but the meal was good and everyone got along - a big deal for my family. We are staying with my sister and her husband tonight and then back to my moms tomorrow - it's tough being far from home - no alone or down time. My mom is an active alcoholic and it get a bit rocky being around her.
Truthfully, I will be happy to be back home - 2 more days!
Take care of yourself
Just finished a big Christmas Eve family thing - my partner and I are staying with my mother - a big test in itself!
It was okay -kids are cute - but all I wanted was to be alone and take a few pills, have a few drinks and chill.
I used to love to be social - loved the kids. Now I crave the high and don't want anyone around to ruin it!
But still clean and sober - trying to distract myself and enjoy what I can.
Hang in there - I am thinking of you.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could sneak out meet for coffee b*tch and complain and then head back home!
Oh - I will have my laptop - it will be my sanity.
Sadly, alcohol and drugs will be an issue for me - my mom's medicine cabinet is pure heaven.
My partner knows all now - so hopefully that will help keep me honest - I want to stay clean and sober- I am tired of starting over.
I am motivated and positive - but god knows what I will sound like come Christmas - be prepared for some serious venting!!
talk to you soon
Trudy - love that you have been tram and alcohol free for over a month - how are you feeling? Physically, emotionally?
Are you ready for the holidays and the family.
I still don't know what we are going to do - my partner want to lay low - relax - not risk relapse. I know my cravings will go up as my family starts to drive me crazy!
I hope you will have e-mail access - I could probably use your support - maybe we can help each other through it.
Congratulations! 30 days, yippee! You have given me such inspiration since I joined. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Trudy - I can't believe it has been a month for you!! Way to go - you rock.
I am hanging in there - trying to come up with a plan to stay clean sober over the holiday - after going through all this - the last thing I want is to screw up over the holidays - what a time of year - family, friends, debt and stress!!
Do you do a big holiday celebration?
Hey Trudy - I hate the cravings - I wake up from a dream where I have been using and it honestly takes me a moment to realize if it was real or not. For me it is always the same dreams - shooting oxy. Tram was the last drug I dropped - it added to the high and kept the withdrawal from Oxy at bay.
I am hanging in - feeling better and still motivated.
Talk to you soom
Thanks for the thoughts, and sounds like we have made it far in putting as much distance between us and that Tram. I can literally feel everyone's pain as they try to get this 'non-addicting crap' out of their system. Good to hear that you are feeling much better, especially to enjoy working again is HUGE! Off to study, I have a dysrhythmia final coming up, plus need to study Spanish for med personnel. Looking back, it seemed like a really bad time to jump CT but I no longer believe there can be a bad time to get this (#*( out of oneself. In the meanwhile, I remain dedicated to getting people aware and off this med. Have a great day, I mean a truly, joyful and lively day, Peace & Joy, D2bW
How much can a drop of 2 pills hurt??!!! Boy - my legs won't stop moving and I can't keep anything in my stomach.
I am sooo tired.
I am hoping by next week to be feeling a bit better. One day at a time right.
I am off to bath in Epsom salts - this just seems stupid - drop from 25 and the last two are knocking me over!!
I will let you know how I am doing tomorrow. I can't wait to have this heaviness lift!
Thanks for the support Trudy!!
Bad day for me - energy is just non existant. Talking is exhausting. I am still on my way - but you know those days, and with the holidays fast approaching - I have a million things I want to do! My back is acting up - and I cannot find a good "spot" to get some sleep - as if the regular insomnia wasn't enough!!
We are forcasted for about 25cm's of snow (sorry - about a 1'6") - I could really do without it! I am one of those Dec. 24th to Jan 1st snow people - why I live in North East Ontario I will never know!!
How are you? Your energy? Starting to feel clear headed?
I really have to watch my eating also. I'm not drinking or using - I don't know what the hell to do!
As my energy improves I am going to start trying to keep myself busy. I used to really enjoy reading, and when I watch TV I need to play on the computor or put all of my pictures into albums - stuff like that.
It is when I have time on my hands that I crave - it has been a bad week for me - no energy to do much so all I did was focus on how good it would feel to drink or use. Tonight I was getting together with friend for a Christmas dinner party - and I was so anxious before - the idea of heading out without "fueling up". So much to get used to! - hopefully healthy coping skills will replace the crappy ones eventually
hang in there
Gerty, My wife's best friend is named Gerty, a really crazy, fun, German lady. Congratulations on 16 days of freedom! And it is so GREAT that you are coming back to encourage the next person.
Even now I feel so much more free - 3 pills a day until after the holidays and then it is happy new year for me.
I am feeling okay - energy ***** but mood is pretty good. It is the dperession that scares me the most - so as long as that stays away I will be more than happy to tackle the intestinal discomfort.
How are you doing? The days are still adding up for you - it will pay off.
Hang in there!
I'm hanging in there - really tired lately but still in good spirits. I think I have decided to stay at the 3 pills until after the holidays. To be honest - I don't think they are doing much of anything but just the idea of going ct before Christmas just seems to be a bit overwhelming. I will drop from 15 to 3 and suffer the consequences - but don't want to give up the last 3!
Glad to hear you are sticking with the psychologist - recovery is a long road, and we need all the help we can get to maintain our sobriety. I am getting to a few AA meetings a week and have met a few people there I really relate to - oddly a really good feeling.
Hope you had a good Thanksgiving!
I work from home so I was able to watch football all day!
Hey Trudy, - day 11 is fantastic - hang in there - we both know tram hell is no place to go back to. This will pass - like many have said it is not a linear recovery - some days are going to be rough. The anxiety and depression scare the hell out of me as well - but I see it as part of the battle we have to fight. Everyday puts you closer to being free from tram.
How are things today Trudy?
I am doing okay - trying to take just one day at a time. I was exhausted today - slept most of the day away. I hate this low energy thing. I cannot even imagine the day when I wake up and want to get out of bed!
Hang in there Trudy. The other day - I was feeling awful, and all I could think about was how fantastic I felt when using or drinking - it is so easy to focus on that when we feel like feces (really like that!).
Everyday brings you a day closer to freedom - I watch for your posts and am rooting for you!!
Hi Trudy - to answer you question - not much sleep for me. To be honest - I haven't really slept unaided since I was about 13. I have a few addictions issues!! Basically if I have tried it - and liked it - I've been addictied to it.
I don't expect the sleep thing to come easily.
But I am still plugging away - and not feeling too terrible. I am down to about 200 mg a day - it's taken me almost 5 months to get here - but I was up to over 20 - so I feel pretty good about it. I will keep tapering until I feel horrible - and then I will just jump off.
I have no idea how you have kept up your schedule - hang in there.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Sounds like things are slowly moving forward for you - little changes do seem huge when we have been feeling so lousy for so long. I am amazed that you can keep functioning as well as you have.
The sleep thing is brutal - I think that is what most of us look forward to - the return of normal sleep patterns.
Keep focusing on the positive changes - and always on the goal. Tram free!! It almost sounds too good to be true.
My taper frustrates me - but I tried to cut back a lot these last 4 or 5 days and ended up with seizures etc. - it was not pretty. I had to beg my partner not to call an ambulence - I had been warned - the amount and the length I had been on tram, and the benzo's it was a risk if I didn't take it slowly. Sometimes it is hard to see a happy ending to this.
2 days down Trudy - the anxiety will drive you crazy but you can do this - Fred claims we have to wage war on the devil pill, fight every day for our lives -tram is the enemy! It is actually how I feel now - no way am I losing this battle - this damn little pill has taken too much from me already.
I know the stigma of addiction - but it is generally just ignorance. We know that addiction doesn't disriminate, and we know it doesn't get better on it's own. Getting clean is one thing - staying that way is a whole different story.
Hang in there - keep me posted on how you are doing!
Just checking in to see how you are doing? Still moving along well?
Where is your thinking on the na/aa/pa thing?
Support, Support ,Support - the more we have the more likely we are to suceed!
hand in there.
RLS is the worst - crazy legs!
The worst I had was restless body - there was one day where i could not stay still - I was moving my legs all the time - but every once in a while I would jump up and run around like I was on fire. It does pass - hot baths with epsom salts help!
Getting through the door at your first aa meeting is the most difficult part. If you look up your local aa head office - they will have a number to call - they can arrange for someone to meet you at your first meeting - help you get through that door. They will also answer any questions or concerns you may have.