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1423922 tn?1283255386

Being judged for having ADHD.

My fiancee has been dealing with ADHD since he was a young child.

After working at a Printing Press with his brother-in-law for approximately two years, he got tired of the non-stop judgments and found a new job.

He has been working there for round about 3 months, and so far is doing well. But he's still struggling with his ADHD when it comes to his occupation, and I don't want him to lose this new job that he loves so much.

I've tried having him write down notes, bought him a watch, made his lunches, placed his belongings, gave him a routine to follow, and he still has a tendency to forget things.

Although he uses his ADHD as a funny story, I can tell it gets to him. As a quick example, he has lost multiple debit cards in the machine, and just recently forgot his work pants while at a restaurant (he set them down, made an order, paid and left, forgetting his pants on the counter).

I personally have never dealt with someone with ADHD before meeting Kevin, and am trying my best to help him as much as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how he can stop forgetting things? Everyone calls him irresponsible and forgetful, and it hurts him since he can't do much about it.
12 Responses
189897 tn?1441130118
COMMUNITY LEADER
  This is a link to a pretty good site on adult ADHD -
http://helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_symptoms.htm
    
  A strict routine is really important for him.  Its sad people don't understand what he is going through.  He may have to educate him.  Or maybe himself first.  Got lots of good resources if you need them.  Best wishes.
1423922 tn?1283255386
Thanks so much! It's really appreciated!

It is sad! And it bothers me so much. Even his own mother doesn't always understand and tells him that he's just being lazy or is unreliable.

He stopped talking Ritalin when he was about 9, I'd say. And has been trying to deal with it by himself since, but with the job he has now, it's literally "3 strikes & you're out". And he loves what he's doing, so I want to be able to help him, but I have no idea how.

He just often stops and drops everything, and then completely forgets what he was doing previously. Or we'll be speaking, and he zones out and then forgets to do what he said was about to do. I got him to start writing some of his obligations down, but now he will write it, and then forget where he put it, meaning it will still never get done.

I'm just not sure what's the best way to help him. On the most part, he does really well. He zones out from time to time but is able to snap back quickly. It's more the "forgetfulness" that is affecting his life.
Avatar universal
Is he taking any medication for the adhd? I found with two of my boys that the meds made a big difference as well as a strict routine.
1423922 tn?1283255386
Not anymore, no.

I forgot the exact problems, but it was causing some difficulties in his life when he was younger, so he went off of the pills and now he's just facing it "sober" - as you might say.

I've got him into the routine of always checking for "Phone, keys, wallet, cards, glasses." so he's most often fine when he leaves the house. But it doesn't always work. He's locked himself out of the apartment a time or two.
Avatar universal
Well, I'm married to a man with ADHD.  The first thing I suggest is to be prepared to cover for him (example: running home to unlock the door for him or leaving a key with someone so he can get it when he forgets his).  Not that you'll necessarily have to - but it's a little less annoying when you're prepared for it.

With his work pants - don't let him carry them around if he can avoid it.  And always have a spare pair in his car (if he has one) or at work so even if he forgets, he'll have some.  

Since he loses the notes he keeps for himself, why not put up a dry erase board or chalkboard in a main part of your home?  He can keep notes on that and it would be very hard to lose (though don't expect that someone with ADHD can't lose something like that - they can!)

For overall living, it may be best to adjust your expectations... not lower them, just adjust them.  I generally don't expect my husband to remember things I've told him only once or twice.  Excellent example:  My husband works at a grocery store.  I have occasionally asked him to bring home this or that because he's there anyway.  I NEVER do this with something I need the same day.  Why?  Because he almost always forgets the first day or two.  If I need something right away, I go get it myself.  I don't get angry when he forgets because it wasn't something I needed immediately anyway.

Of course none of that helps with work.  Is he opposed to letting his boss know he is ADHD?  It could be helpful to have someone watching his back at work with little reminders.  Or, if you know about a project or something ahead of time, give him friendly reminders throughout the days leading up to it.  Making associations between things are good too (kinda like the colors of the rainbow - Roy G. Biv, or reading music - Every Good Boy Does Fine).  Routine, as has been mentioned many times, is always helpful - but it can sometimes drive my ADHD husband mad.  Some kind of cell phone/ipod/etc. can be a huge benefit, too.  He won't lose notes on the go, he can set alarms, set schedules, etc. - and always have it with him.  Help keep him organized.  It can be frustrating but it pays off for both of you!  

Give him opportunities to de-stress. Stress and anxiety can cause symptoms to get remarkably worse.  It can help reduce anxiety/stress if he is prepared for things before they happen.  Usually, my husband sets up all the stuff he's taking to work before he goes to bed at night.  He even sets out his breakfast dishes and coffee cup - all together so he doesn't miss anything.  It helps him not be distracted with worry over something he forgot.

Unfortunately, since my house is filled with ADHD people, I've written this in pieces (LOTS of interruptions), so I don't know if I made sense or was even partially coherent.  I can say this is going to be work for both of you - good luck!  It's worth it, though!
1423922 tn?1283255386
Thank you for the advice (this is going to have to be a quick entry, so I'll just dab on the main parts), though I do think you might have some points wrong.

I have never become angry nor frustrated with him because of his ADHD. I just simply want to help him because he becomes angry with himself.

I've tried the erase board, but he forgets to look at it. He's starting putting things down on his phone, which does help. But most often, he'll forget to write it on his phone ot begin with.

His job knows that he has ADHD, at least some of his bosses do. His mother used to work there for about 15 years, so they have an idea of who he is, but nonetheless, they will not help him. No matter what you have to deal with, it's your problem. For instance, if you're late for work 3 times, you're automatically fired.

When I ask him to do things, he usually always remembers, except on the rare occasion. If it's something I ask of him, he pushes himself to get it done before he forgets. But it's his own responsibilites that he doesn't prioritizes, which need to be. For instance, rent or groceries. He'll forget to pay for them until it's the last minute or too late.

And lastly, my overall expectations of him, I have never lowered them. I respect him too much to let him feel like I'm giving him some kind of "special treatment" or that he's any different from anyone else. Honestly, I raise my expectations a bit for him - it gives him a challenge, and therefore pushes him harder for himself. If he doesn't have a challenge, he doesn't have motivation or the drive to do anything about it.

All in all, I just want to help him with his every day life. I'm completely fine with his ADHD and have already become adjusted to the fact that I have to cover him most of the time with keys and clothing and lunches... Etc.  It has nothing to do with me, it bothers him that he can't remember the simplest things, so I want to find ways to help him.

I
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