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ADD / ADHD Community
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Avatar universal

Have I gone wrong somewhere and caused all this?

Posting here since the days question quota had been passed and maybe I won't have to pay the expert $18 bucks.Why don't they just say its a pay site instead of letting a few blog to bait ...come on.
My very bright and difficult to motivate(lazy) 9 year old. I am a(professional  coach and dad(most of the post I see come from mom). We have seen what we don't know is rebellion i.e.(also what others parents are describing as rebellion) groans about chores, is never wrong, lies, gets in trouble, does only the minimum of tasks, etc.When I am "coaching" him(no matter what the sport its a constant battle(he actually is talented just struggling athletically but doesn't put forth the effort or desire(yea I know its pressure for him but come on sometimes its just laziness. and am I living through him, putting pressure on him myself. Try as I might not to too much..probably yes) it seems all the time. His grades aren't suffering yet and he is "very intelligent" but he has gotten into trouble at school. We have asked for a ADD evaluation and in the family life I am disciplinarian...wife is the easy way out unless she is angry at them.(We also have 7 y/o girl with her own set of issues. Some of it is sibling rivalry/jealousness.  I hate to spank and have tried to over the years done less of that and tried to utilize talking things through , time outs , restrictions, loss of privlages...heck everything the experts say and it continues. I doubt myself that its not better. A certain part of me wants him to have a strong will but he should alos be respectful, coachable. I try and tell him I am trying to help him succeed but I get frustrated , angry and then I fell "he got under my skin me again. " Then I am angry with myself.There is only so much room to type.  This relationship is very important to me thus doing all I/we can to get it right. Maybe someone can add something I have not heard before to HELP!  
5 Responses
189897 tn?1441130118
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hey, I hear you.
  While I have spent a long time in education, I also coached my kids in soccer through U-16.  Probably the one thing I learned from that which I than applied to the classroom is if you have tried the same thing again and again, and its not working - its time to try something else.  
  Long story short, if your child does have ADD or ADHD, the old standard discipline measures won't work.  He is 9, I have found out that smart kids usually start hitting the academic wall about 4 or 5th grade (usually fractions and multiples do them in).  Really intelligent kids can many times last until Pre-Algebra and then the lack of ability to focus kills them.  The ADD evaluation is very important.  Ya gotta know the defense of the other team before you plan your offense.  It will take a good psyc.  Sharp kids of this age really dont show discrepancies.  Many parents get trapped into, " he's getting B's so he is doing ok, yet, he should be getting A's.  So its looking at behavioral things.
I highly recommend you pick up Sandra Rief’s "How to Reach and Teach Children with ADD/ADHD".  Its probably one of the best, most practical and up-to-date books out there.  If nothing else it will give you very good alternate game plans that are worth trying.
   Few other things, I have been privileged to work with very sharp kids from elementary through 8th grade.  It is amazing what a smart kid can do to manipulate the situation to their advantage.  This is not done what malice - many times its survival (especially if they have something in the AD spectrum).  It is possible that he has learned how to get to you.  There are defenses for that, but it also depends on whats bugging him.  Once again, what can he control and what he has no control over.  The point being that your methods should work with kids of his age.  The fact that they don't and have not, would suggest its time for a new tactic.  Start by scouting the opposition.  Read up on ADD/ADHD.  Buy the book I recommended.  Here is a really good article on the Olympic swimming champion, Michael Phelps which points this mothers struggles with him and his ADHD (and she is a school principal).  It is really worth reading. Here is the link.      
     http://www.projo.com/health/content    /lb_add_michael__phelps_08-17-08_SBB6PTO_v14.1a78015.html

  Copy and paste the whole link into your browser.  enjoy it!

I've got lots of other posts on this website.  Check some of them out.  Please write back if you have any other questions.  I have other books I can recommend.
  Hope you got your money's worth here :)  Good luck.
Avatar universal
I am sure you wont like or don't want to here what I have to say.But I feel it needs to be said.And this is not just to you but to all.

Now days it seems that People want Children to be more like adults and not be kids any more.I mean what has a happen to children just being able to play with friends and family and have fun during the childhood.All the pressure they are put on by the School with all the test by the states and teachers to be these little children to come in and be like little robots and if you don't get A'S and you don't do well in PE then there in something wrong with you.Children are suppose to have more energy then adults do and the adults around them can't handle it.So if a child has energy and doesn't like to do everything that an adult  thinks they should want to do or even good at it the child must have ADD or ADHD.  So lets drug them so they will do what ever the adults around them want them to do. And not think about what the child wants.How many people ask the child what do you want,how do you feel about your life and where things are in your life? Is there something bothering you that you need to talk about,how are things at School or at home? Are kids bothering you at School -on the Bus and do they have friends and family that they can talk to ? Do we treat them like what they have to say don't matter because they are kids?,But yet you want them to act like they are not.Is there something going on in there life that know one knows about ,and the child is to scared to talk about because of what they fear might happen to them.

Things are not the same as they once where,now days it is just give the kid or kids some drugs and if one don't work lets try another.Are school grades and sports and a quit child worth what the drugs are doing to these children.The side effects change them for life.The stress and anxiety  they live with every day to make parents and teachers happy and friends.To lose them self for others.God made are children the way they are and to care and love them for who they are.  Everyone ask your self this
does god not love our children because they don't get good grands in School or play sports and like the same things we do.God wants us to take care of our children that he gave us,and keep them save.I am sure god didn't give us or children to drug them up to keep them quit and not a voice or a say.And to do harm to there little minds and soul's.  The side effects can hurt them for the rest of there life's and change who they where met to be.And cause them to have to take even more medicines because of the side effects from the drugs that have been giving to them. And also be suck on them for the rest of there life because if they try and stop them ,they get sick .or side effects show up even more after they try to come off of them.

Most of these drugs they give for ADD or ADHD and even Bipolar ,are like Speed.And we all know what they do to people on the streets who start taken them and what they will do to get them and the dangers it causes them in life.

Fixitrod  yes I think you are putting to much on your son ,let him be who he wants to be ,and not who you want him to be. Please don't make the mistake and put him on medicine to change him for any reason at all.Unless he is ill and needs it to stay alive,drugs will and changes who the children are.Have seen it first had and know what the side effects can do to a child and wish I had never  done what the  School's and the Teachers wanted for my own child. And I will add this ,the Schools get more money for every child who is or has a  IEP and on Drugs for ADD or ADHD and Bipolar and any other  needs.

I hope this helps and This is not just about you  as a person or a parent,but also others that come here for help.
189897 tn?1441130118
COMMUNITY LEADER
   You are right.  Schools do get federal funding for kids in special ed.  I actually grew up in an age where this didn't happen.  You know what happened to kids who had learning disabilities?  Nothing.  They were treated like every other kid and suffered tremendously.  I had very good friends who spent most of their day - every day - sitting outside the classroom, because that was the only way the teacher could deal with them.
  Finally, in 1973, the Rehabilitation Act, Section 504 became a federal law.  It was followed by the Public Law 94-142 in 1975, and then the  Americans with Disabilities Act in 1990 and on down to the  Individuals with Disabilities Act (IDEA) in 2004.  The federal government figured that since they were requiring schools to help people with disabilities, they should also help pay for them.  Which is why schools get money for kids with IEP's - not 504's by the way.  Helping kids with needs is tremendously expensive.  Made even more so by parents that demand placement in private schools that cost the district upwards of $30,000 a year.  Many private schools and church schools cannot get this aid (separation of church and state), and consequently either don't take kids with special needs or can't adequately help them.
   Furthermore, kids with ADHD many times don't qualify for special ed (which is really sad).  All drugs have to be prescribed by an outside source so the school gets no money for that.  And finally, at least in my district, we have never gotten anywhere near the funds we actually had to spend on a child from the federal government.  In fact, (unfortunately) a lot of school psycs are told by the district  to be very careful in  how they qualify kids because it is so expensive for the district - especially in this era.
  Hopefully, this helps you separate the school system from the pharmaceutical system which is where I think your anger should be placed.  At least as far as making a buck.
Avatar universal
Sandman2    I think you missed my point.

when you teacher become teachers they do it with well knowing that all children will not be the same,and yet they want children to be quit little angles and all do the same in school work.We all know this is not going to happen.Yet a lot of teachers  cant handle the children.

In my son case the teacher was to be a teacher who was suppose to be able to handle children with learning problems being hipper. and the only thing she wanted was to put him on medicine so she could handle him and still tell me everything my child did wrong because if anything happen in the class it was always my son fault,even thou he would tell her he didn't do something it was him,he when he did do something wrong he would tell her the truth and say yes I did it. I was not the only parent who didn't like and have problems with this teacher.

my point was the teachers need to do there job's ,and there job is to teacher children  not to want to give them drugs that can hurt them later in life medically.Teachers should know that by giving children these drugs they are giving these kids speed.And how would they feel if it where them taken these drugs and had to worry about the side effects that come along with taken these medicines .

And back in the day children didn't take drugs and they still seem to make it in this world fine.

doctors - teachers- parents  really need to make sure that everything is looked at before they  just start giving these drugs out to young children who have know say in what happens to them. Blood work should be done.See a Neurologist to make sure everything is normal with the brain ,hear test .And if there has been any changes at school or at home to make them feel the way they do. We all know how hard kids can be on each other and what it can do to a child and how it can change them and there school work and make them act out.

Things really need to change and stop putting so much on children these day's and talk to parents to see if there is anything the schools can do beside taken them to the doctors to see if they have add or adhd or even bipolar.

189897 tn?1441130118
COMMUNITY LEADER
    Boy, do I agree with you when you say, "to see if there is anything the schools can do beside taken them to the doctors to see if they have add or adhd or even bipolar."  
    There is so much good information out there now on how to work with kids with ADHD/ADD.  Only doctors can prescribe drugs, and only the parents can accept or reject the drugs.  If the parents have the knowledge of how to work with their kids, then maybe they would be more able to resist a teacher's suggestion (if the teacher was crazy enough to do so) of using drugs.  That is why my major recommendation to parents is always that they have got to become an AD expert.
   The book by Rief has lots of suggestions and sound teaching strategies that can be used to help our kids.  The book by Ashley has many techniques aimed at parents.  I am sure that there are many other good sources out there, but these are the ones I am familiar with.  
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