ADD / ADHD Community
3.37k Members
Avatar universal

How to discipline adhd aggression

Most of the time our 7 year old son is wonderful, highly active distracted, behind in his work, clumsy, and forgetful, but good at hart, loving, caring and empathetic. We had some aggressive times in the past and got through them. We have been in therapy separate as a group and he is seeing a Dr. for the ADHD. We are consistent, structured, go to church, believe cleaning and time outs are the best punishment. Lately he becomes utterly defiant. We tell him to do something and he says "make me". We are stumped we don't back down but we definitely fumble. We talk things away but that is never enough in the moment. We literally could and have removed everything in his room hoping this next thing will make him do as he is told. Only to find he is in an empty room aggressive (this hasn't occurred since he was 4 but it occurred more than once). We do not want it to go that far again. In writting this I thin we will just take one thing out of his room and then leave him to his room. He will need to go a week without a temper tantrum to regain that item. Does anyone else have any suggestion.

Thank you,
8 Responses
Avatar universal
The one thing I wouldn't do would be to put him on any medicine.

The one thing I learned from here was to try Vitamin b6 and omega 3 witch has fish iol in them. They have help my son  with his school work .

And Schools are harder these days and they needed to do things that a lot of us never had to and deal with new things also.

I also pray a lot for god to help my son with all his medical needs and others who are going threw the same things,and that other parents will learn from what other parents have gone threw and what there child are going threw after being on the medicines witch a lot of people on the street take to get a high  ,until they needed there next high.

god bless you and your family and others and to help you to help your children.
189897 tn?1441130118
  Kids of that age don't deal with long term threats (and a week is long term), you need to start at one day and slowly expand.  Taking something out of his room seems kind of silly when he probably has other things to play with.
  Discipline needs to be immediate. consistent, and short term (that way it can slowly be increased).  His timeouts probably would be more effective if they were at the kitchen table or a chair in the corner of the living room - someplace other than his room.  Cleaning is a great punishment - if the task is age/time appropriate.
  His "make me" threats are kind of typical.  They will later become, "that doesn't bother me," or "you don't love me," or anything else that they think will work.  Just ignore them.  Sometimes, you can actually give them other words to say.
     Be consistent with your discipline - don't expect change to happen overnight.  And certainly don't start changing your discipline just because it doesn't seem to work.
   Finally, do realize that kids with ADHD do need different forms of discipline because they do things without realizing they are doing it.  His defiance may be coming from a sense of frustration due to the fact he is always in trouble and he is kind of giving up.  Do talk with his doctor.  You also might want to do some research into ADHD and how it affects kids.  I saw this post, these books might be worth checking out.  I haven't read them yet, but I am certainly going to look into them.

Dulcet1pms, Oct 07, 2009 03:33AM
Hi- I also have a son with ADhD and is Bi-polar as well.  THe one best thing I did for him was buy, read and implement the techniques in 2 books.  The first was, "How to reach and teach ADD ADhD kids."  The second was, "The ADD/ ADhD Answer book."  Both of those books are filled with things that help our kind of children
Avatar universal
Thank you for your advice. We started him on fish oil, calcium and magnesium, and a high protein diet. Then we went to a generic Tenex this worked well it was not a stimulant but a sedative. He slept more and gained weight. But we reached our max at 4 mg and the school said it wasn't enough. We have changed to a stimulant and his aggression has come back since then. I think your right I think he is giving up in ways partially because he is not sleeping enough and is tired. We definitely pick our battles. He is on the severe end of ADHD his Dr. is great and has many years experience as well as a son who is autistic. He Dr. says he may have seen 4 children with worse symptoms.  When we do homework I let him stand jump crawl tap anything as long as he is still working he seems to stay on track when he is doing more than one thing. Anyway, I really the kitchen table idea. Thanks. We will stick with short term and ignore the comment. With such a highly active person it is hard to not get frustrated yourself and lost.
189897 tn?1441130118
Hey, it is very easy to get frustrated.  And it will happen again and again.  Probably one of the few ways that I know of to combat that is to really understand what your child is going through.  If you can understand what they are dealing with, sometimes it makes it easier to deal with them.  This is no way a easy thing that you are dealing with.  If your doctor says he has seem maybe 4 kids with worse symptoms, then yes, you do have a load to carry.
    I am a bit surprised that his aggression returned with the stimulant.  It may be that now since he is in more control, he is using the aggression to meet his needs.  If this is true - and it is happening because he is now in more control (not less). Then this is something that can slowly be changed.  Anyway, this is definitely something that you want to talk over with your doctor.  It appears that you have a good one.  Be aware that this may take a bit of experimentation till correct doses, etc. are achieved.  Also how you discipline him really changes by the control he has.  It gets tricky.  That's why I recommended earlier those books.
  I do apologize for the "silly" comment.  I had no idea his ADHD was even diagnosed at that time, and I would have gone a different direction with my suggestions.  I really believe that you (if you haven't done so already) need to read up on ADHD so you can understand what is going on and better ways to work with your child.  "Driven to Distraction" by Hallowell, is probably the classic in the field.  I believe he has a new book out.  This is going to take work by all involved.  It is so important to keep communicating with your doctor.  Also make sure that you talk to your school about special ed placement (if you haven't already done so), because that will protect your child and give you some added resources.   Good Luck !!!!
189897 tn?1441130118
One other thought, you said his aggression has come back.  Is it there all day long or just when he gets home?  If its mainly when he gets home and not there on weekends during the day, it may be due to his medication wearing off and him reverting back to a "no filters mode".  Since there is time release medication that can help with this, it is certainly something that you want to talk over with his doctor.
1109875 tn?1258731200
I am also having some difficulty reprimanding my son because he has become very mouthy at times but i am trying a different approach where i will speak at a calm,relaxful yet stern voice and explain to him thats not how a kid his age should be acting.It gets a bit frustrating at times but i am determined to help him understand there are remifications(video game,playdates and so on).I feel at times that he is just playing us with his crying or saying we don't love him but its very trying no to lose it.
Avatar universal
Thanks again for your advice. There was no offense taken. We will read the book you recommended. We have an IEP in place from Kindergarten. I have asked about remedial reading and math classes. Our next appointment is 12/3. His aggression and "make me attitude" seemed to occur when the stimulant Adderall is wearing off or worn off, mostly at night. It has gotten better I shared this discussion with my husband and we really appreciated the ignore the comment, advice. It is so simple but as a parent sometimes you feel like you have to be more in control and when your child is out of control it demonstrates a failure of yourself. But really we forget that sometimes if we have a strong reaction to our childs behavior it perpetuates that behavior. It reminded us to keep our cool and repeat our commands/expectations and explain the consequences for not following the rules. Amazingly it works. My husband decided the consequence would be isolation on his bed. He could look at his books but that was all for 25 minutes. I thought that was to long especially for an ADHD child but since my first message he has only had to do it 1 or twice each day and it seems to be working.
189897 tn?1441130118
Really glad to hear that things are working better for you!  Load up on the information.  There really is a lot that you can do to help your child (and you).  Best Wishes
Have an Answer?
Top Children's Development Answerers
189897 tn?1441130118
San Pedro, CA
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Fearing autism, many parents aren't vaccinating their kids. Can doctors reverse this dangerous trend?
Yummy eats that will keep your child healthy and happy
What to expect in your growing baby
Is the PS3 the new Prozac … or causing ADHD in your kid?
Autism expert Dr. Richard Graff weighs in on the vaccine-autism media scandal.
Could your home be a haven for toxins that can cause ADHD?