Aa
In the words of the great Fresh Prince of Bel Aire - Parents just don't understand
I am so frustrated right now and I don't know if I should be insulted or grateful that my mother cares so much about her grandchild or what. I let my 10 y/o daughter Nikki (ADHD/ODD) stay up late to watch a movie by herself Wed night and went to bed. I woke up Thurs morning to find an entire half pound of salami gone that had been there the night before. Apparently she got hungry and wanted a snack so she helped herself to the whole thing and then hid the package in an empty cereal box in her room (she had been working a word search on the back of it so I didn't think anything of it). In cleaning out her room after finding the empty package, we also found a rotten apple, 10 or so empty Splenda packets, and several cheese stick wrappers under her bed. Then to top it off, she lied to us and said she didn't remember how any of it got there. I eventually got her to tell me the truth and grounded her for three days for the food and an extra day for lying about it. This has happened before and she's been punished for it and we've talked to her counselor about it. As a last resort we put a lock on the refrigerator and the pantry. When trying to install one of the locks, my husband drilled into the side of the refrigerator and accidentally hit a freon line, causing us to have to buy a new refrigerator. Nikki acted like it was no big deal that we had to go out and spend over $500 on a new refrigerator. Her father and I told her that if it weren't for her being sneaky it wouldn't have happened at all. My mom just called me at work and said it's really been bothering her and just can't understand why we had to take such drastic measures and why we blamed Nikki for the damage to the refrigerator. Then she said she thinks there must be some reason Nikki is so scared to tell us the truth about things...basically inferring that we come down too hard on her. Has anyone else had this type of problem with someone on the outside (whether it be a grandparent, teacher, friend, neighbor, whatever) and how did you deal with it?
I have 2 daughters with ADD and I have it myself, I think there is more going on with this food issue than ADD, over eating is usually an emotional issue, I am not critisng you at all but this situation could of been hndled much better but we all learn from our mistakes, I really understand the difficulties of ADD and I really beleive that you have to take a different approach to parenting, what worked with my kids was that they were always praised for any good thing they did not matter how minor and occaisonally ou have to ignore the bad (withn reason) you have to set firm boundaries and stick to them always, I sometimes feel sorry for my husband who does not have ADD and god forbids sometimes I really do not know how he stays so calm, what also worked for us was that my husband had to do maost of the disicpline with my youngest because having ADD myself we would feed of each other as I generally have to have the last say no matter what. constantly critising a child with ADD can be very damaging as alot of ADD kids take things to heart and it is not uncommon for things ike depression and anxiety to go hand in hand with ADD, the desciption of no filters on is really good as I no as I can be really inpulsive as well, I cant tell you how many times I have regretted my actions or words as I did not think of the consequences good luck
I don't know PrincessCB from Eve, we just happen to agree. My original post was asking for advice about outside people making judgments and how to handle them. Hence the last line of my post: "Has anyone else had this type of problem with someone on the outside (whether it be a grandparent, teacher, friend, neighbor, whatever) and how did you deal with it?" Instead I got judged on my parenting once again by people who don't live with what I deal with on a daily basis.
On another subject, it's been almost two weeks now since the incident and Nikki has shown progress already. She hasn't lied once accept for the occasional attempt at a fib or story which I have immediately stopped and talked about. She hasn't tried sneaking food (the fridge has been left unlocked inadvertently a few nights). I'm very proud of her restraint. I don't think she suffers from any kind of disorder besides her ADHD. She just needs to gain some will power. It will come in time with age.
On another subject, it's been almost two weeks now since the incident and Nikki has shown progress already. She hasn't lied once accept for the occasional attempt at a fib or story which I have immediately stopped and talked about. She hasn't tried sneaking food (the fridge has been left unlocked inadvertently a few nights). I'm very proud of her restraint. I don't think she suffers from any kind of disorder besides her ADHD. She just needs to gain some will power. It will come in time with age.
No one is trying to be mean or judgmental. I think we all have to pick our battles. True, she should not lie about food, etc, but now with the current restrictions, I think it will drive your daughter to lie more and to hoard food more. If my food was restricted I would probably hoard too. Lying is never okay even with an adhd child.
I think there is an illness where parents have to lock the pantry/fridge, I think it's called Prader-willi. I have heard of it in that circumstance as the child cannot stop eating.
I think there is an illness where parents have to lock the pantry/fridge, I think it's called Prader-willi. I have heard of it in that circumstance as the child cannot stop eating.
You two must know each other as this is Princess's first post and you posted within a couple of minutes of each other. That is okay. Really, my intention was to try to help a family that clearly has some issues. I'm not really trying to be critical but to give a different perspective to what could be going on. Some reactions to a problem will create more problems down the road.'
Anyway, wishing all families that struggle with issues such as these success in dealing with them.
Anyway, wishing all families that struggle with issues such as these success in dealing with them.
As I said, I have a son with a developmental delay and am well aware of issues with children. Also might mention that I am a psychotherapist by profession. Her own mother finds the treatment of the granddaughter to be harsh.
Parents can parent as they wish. But what exactly was this posted for? Venting or asking advice?
Parents can parent as they wish. But what exactly was this posted for? Venting or asking advice?
I don't think the punishment was for eating. It was for stealing the food and lying about it. I understand that because my son does the same thing. What a lot of posters here are saying (or what I'm reading) is that she should just let her daughter use adhd as an excuse for her behavior. "Poor little girl. She can't help herself. Just let her go." We can't do that though. We have to take a pro-active approach to the stealing and/or lying of anything before it gets worse. ADHD might be a reason but it's NEVER an excuse. EVER. It's not punishing the child to lock the fridge at night. It's providing a physical boundary that she can't give herself mentally. I totally get it.
But it is your mother that made a comment. She is very close to the situation. Most on this forum have children with challenges. We understand more than you give us credit for. But my child's challenges have given me empathy for other kids who suffer them as well. I think you hear the empathy for your daughter in these posts. It is not a judgement for you but instead the advice that perhaps a different tactic and mindset on your part would be more beneficial for your daughter.
I said earlier that perhaps you were just looking for a place to vent and not advice at all at which point you can't be upset when others give you their opinion.
You are the parent and can do as you please with your daughter and maybe you thought others that have challenged children would think nothing of the dead bolt on the frig and punishment for eating too much. I wouldn't look at it as judment for you. We all just agree with your mom. Good luck
I said earlier that perhaps you were just looking for a place to vent and not advice at all at which point you can't be upset when others give you their opinion.
You are the parent and can do as you please with your daughter and maybe you thought others that have challenged children would think nothing of the dead bolt on the frig and punishment for eating too much. I wouldn't look at it as judment for you. We all just agree with your mom. Good luck
Wow, you're very opinionated but that's criticism, not advice...which is what I believe I asked for....
As a kid, my parents did not lock the refrigerator, if we wanted a snack we got a snack. We didn't eat candy all day or anything. Yes, I don't understand what you are going through, but some of us have bigger issues than a child eating a 1/2 lb of salami, I wish that were my biggest issue.
Why shouldn't we, as parents, restrict food? Isn't it our job to teach kids to eat healthy and in moderation? I wasn't allowed to just go in the fridge and eat whatever I wanted when I was a kid. I had to ask, just as my kids do now, and I didn't end up with any kind of eating disorder. In fact, I am 32 years old and of average weight and BMI for my height after two kids. The point I was trying to make with this post/question was that people outside of your situation don't understand what you are going through and make opinions and judgments. I'm not getting defensive, but I think my point has been proven here.
Is she severely overweight? By restricting food so much she has resorted to hoarding food and will sneak food now.
Nikki is on Ritalin 10 mg and Daytrana 30 mg but she takes Remeron 15 mg at night to counteract the lack of appetite and sleep issues cause by the stimulants. Even if we forget the Remeron at night, the stimulants don't seem to affect her appetite anymore (they used to). It almost seemed as if the addition of the Ritalin booster in the morning INCREASED her appetite. I really appreciate everyone's advice. You have given me a lot to think about.
Perhaps to help her avoid her eating binges, you can offer her an alternate activity that she enjoys. Maybe her current "hyperfocus" is on food and that's why she's eating the way she does. Find something she can do at night when she can't sleep but can't be entertained by you. I know that as long as I can keep my daughter busy, she snacks less (she's ADHD). And I can barely get my husband (also ADHD) to eat at all when he's involved in a project. Or, if her eating is at its worst at night, try having music playing while she's in bed/asleep. It helped my daughter sleep through the night when she was younger - and she still uses it to get calm enough to sleep at night.
My son attends occupational therapy and there are children there that also do not get the signal to stop eating and are always hungry. I've never heard of locks on the fridge or punishment for it though. Even if you lock it to protect her . . . punishing her for part of her disorder seems out of line in my opinion. We support our kids and guide and teach them when they have challenges. I am not trying to be rude and harsh with you at all. I agree with your mother that your reaction to the things she does with regards to her adhd/odd exacerbate the problems. But this is just my opinion. You are your parent and this is all your decision. That is why I said that maybe you were only venting and not looking for advice on the subject. I wish you and your daughter a lot of luck in dealing with her issues in a positive manner. I know it is hard on everyone!
PS: my background is psychology and I always worry about the psychological affects on a child.
PS: my background is psychology and I always worry about the psychological affects on a child.
She is allowed to have anything she wants as long as she asks. I think an entire half pound of salami is a little excessive, don't you? It's the point that she's gorging herself on large amounts of foods and doesn't have the impulse control to stop herself. Too much of any kind of food, especially the things she is consuming (eg. Splenda, salami, cheese) can cause digestive problems. We're not punishing her by putting locks on the fridge and the pantry, we're trying to protect her and give her a way to control her urges. If your child was doing potential damage to his/her health, wouldn't you do whatever was in your power to try and stop it? I'm not starving the kid, believe me. She has three full meals a day, plus several healthy snacks. I eat healthy myself and teach my kids to do the same thing. Plus we only put the locks on when we are not able to fully supervise her and when we go to bed at night. I have spoken to several parents of kids who have ADHD and they experience the same problems and have taken some of the same measures to try and prevent them. I am in a Yahoo Group for parents of children with ADHD and we discuss these types of things all the time. You don't understand what we go through (and the kids too) until you've experienced it for yourself. Life is a daily struggle for us, Nikki and her siblings included. And she doesn't just steal food. She steals toys and money from her friends, too. As far as "blaming" her for the damage to the fridge, I was just trying to show her (as I said before) that actions have consequences, good and bad. In my haste, I may have gone about it a little wrong.
And I agree that it was not her fault that your husband ruined the refrigerator trying to install a lock. I'm a little worried about the family dynamics here, to be honest.
Maybe you are just venting.
Maybe you are just venting.
Why can't she help herself to the food she would like to eat? I get the part about not wanting it in her bedroom . . . but if she is hungry, why can she not eat? I feel like the household has set up some very unhealthy things for this child. I can't imagine a lock on the refrigerator to keep my child out of it. And don't get me wrong, I have a son with sensory integration disorder. I understand the problems. But it does sound drastic and sends a message that I wouldn't find healthy for a child. I agree with your mother. I think your tactics add to the problem. Just my opinion.
I understand what you're saying. I know it wasn't her fault. I just wanted her to understand the way her actions and decisions (good or bad) affect others. I need to explain that to her better. As for her being afraid to tell the truth, we had a conversation about it last night and I asked her if she had ever gotten away with lying to me and she said no. She knows that I will always find out the truth in the end and that she gets in more trouble when she lies (hence the extra day of grounding) and that it's far better to just tell the truth. She just chooses not to do so for whatever reason.
I think every parent has experienced people offering their opinions on their parenting skills. And, unfortunately, you're about to get mine - but maybe it will help to hear it from outside the family. Honestly, I think it is quite a stretch to blame your daughter for the damaged refrigerator. Since she's ADHD, she has a much harder time understanding what consequences come from her actions. So, I highly doubt she would have anticipated a need to lock up the kitchen to prevent her from getting food. But apart from that, she was not the one who drilled the hole in the fridge. She did not make the decision to put a lock on the fridge, she did not choose for your husband to do it himself, and she did not drill the hole. I can completely understand why she felt like it was not a big deal. I would be scared to tell the truth when I received punishment or lectures for things I did not actually do. So, it doesn't surprise me that the same may hold true for your daughter. I understand you're angry that your refrigerator had to be replaced because of the situation... but can't it just be a bad situation rather than her fault? Maybe I can put it another way. If she got hurt and had to be rushed to the hospital, would you blame her if your husband got into a car accident because he was speeding and being careless in an attempt to get her there faster?
Don't get me wrong, I've had my mother tell me I'm too harsh with my kids. But that was when I didn't let my kids go to the park with her because they got in trouble for lying or something. Never because I blamed them for damage my husband did. Maybe it's time for you to step outside the situation and look at things from a different angle. And I would highly recommend talking to your daughter's counselor on how to work and live with an ADHD/ODD child.
Don't get me wrong, I've had my mother tell me I'm too harsh with my kids. But that was when I didn't let my kids go to the park with her because they got in trouble for lying or something. Never because I blamed them for damage my husband did. Maybe it's time for you to step outside the situation and look at things from a different angle. And I would highly recommend talking to your daughter's counselor on how to work and live with an ADHD/ODD child.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the ADHD Community
Fearing autism, many parents aren't vaccinating their kids. Can doctors reverse this dangerous trend?
Yummy eats that will keep your child healthy and happy
What to expect in your growing baby
Is the PS3 the new Prozac … or causing ADHD in your kid?
Autism expert Dr. Richard Graff weighs in on the vaccine-autism media scandal.
Could your home be a haven for toxins that can cause ADHD?
Back to the eating issue. I would leave out snacks for her - weight watchers cheese sticks. Popcorn is great (healthy kind) it will fill you up. I don't know if she is on meds, but if she is they can suppress the appetite. As they wear off, the kids get hungry - and of course, if she is not on meds then the no filters thing kicks in. Either way, don't fight it, just direct it. Hope this helps!