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Regarding ADHD/GAD combined

Hi, my name`s Samuel Finn.  I`m from Belfast, Northern Ireland, i`ve been diagnosed by my current doctor in `04 as having GAD, though i`m 90-100% postive that i`m hyperactive also.  To cut a long story short i reckon that i`ve had this most of my life but has went properly undiagnosed and untreated.  I was classed or rather labeled in `85 by a psychiatrist as maladjusted.  

I was expelled from primary school for disrupting puplis, was full of massive energy and character, loved life.  I didn`t get a chance to do my eleven plus exam and was going to be commited to a psychiatric hospital only for my father`s intervention.  It ended up with a year of day visits, six years attending a special school of which i hated from `86 - 91.  Sat in the house for six years, no interest in work or no motivation at all, sat up all hours of the morning watching tv etc.    

I cracked in `97 in my parents house of which i`ve lived in all my life to date.  The house next door was being renovated and the constant blattering on the walls was driving me mad, i was lifting beds up slamming them down, banging walls in retaliation for having to listen to it every day, my late father called it a mad house, my mother was heavily depressed also at the time .  Not to bore you and to summarise it, nine neighbours have moved out, i`ve been assaulted five times, once by the next door neighbour`s son, three time by paramilitaries (terrorists), one which was in fron of my own father in the living room.    

The house has been vanalised, i slumped into a six depression because of an assault in `2000, the next door neighbours didn`t understand what was going on or what was causing my behaviour.  But started on us for having to listen to the banging over the years.  My father ended up an alcoholic prior to his death because of the pressure he was under with myself and worry of my mother.  My mother has been three times near death`s door with her nerves and depression, nearly six years in care homes and also psychiatric hospitals.  

I`ve never had sex, made love or even had a relationship in my life, i also tortured my mind in trying to blame myself for a baby`s death in the neighbourhood years ago which simply wasn`t my fault.  Thinking back now i know my was sick at the time i remembered about it`s death, the thoughts were also corrupted.  This ranted on for about four years.the worry led to me trying to convice myself that i was to blame simpl because the baby`s older brother came out and said that i had killed his baby` brother, i had wheeled it a few times prior to it`s death, as most children do.    

From what i recall it was a sudden cot death and i had mentioned to him many years later that was sorry for his loss.  I`m still to this day hit with anxiety attacks, not as severe as they were, but still bad.  I lost my father in June `03 and his death nearly killed me, feelings of guilt etc for what i put him through.  My mother also has been mistreated in the care home that she had spent two and a half years in previously, i sit at times not knowing what to think of myself and why i have put myself though this ordeal.  I`d like any feedback if you have any, many thanks.  :D  
2 Responses
Avatar universal
Wow!  First of all, I think you're very lucky to have had your parents who obviously love you unconditionally.  I'm sorry for you to have to deal with the loss of your dad and the harshness of living in this world without him : (   It totally bites!  I can relate to much of what you say and surprisingly envy you just a little.  My brother, who's been gone now for 2 1/2 years always told me that we were "different" people (than others) and that we would never be compatible with any one in life.  Although he was schizophrenic I'm not and am lucky enough to not have that disorder, I do believe that I was just born with a "bazaar mind" and I'm not able to be "conventional" enough to be successful like most people in this country (USA). Yet, for some reason I attract people everywhere I go! I feel like I'm a child and just can't grow up.  I'm ADHD to an extreme.  If you've ever seen the movie "50 first dates", no joke I can totally relate! I don't understand why I have a brain that works this way.  I get totally annoyed with anyone who gets close to me. I'm married but would much rather be alone than to be judged or even taken care of by anyone but myself. Impossible to say which is less painful, being alone/or not!  
I think you should find a support group of people who have the same grief in life. We are truly a mystery! I loved spending time with my brother because even though our minds were of different illness, we could always relate to the strife each other felt daily. It's nice to be able to post anonymously online, but I think that though it would take much more strength it would be so much more beneficial for you to have an established group of grounded, definite support of other "mysteries".  Also, I think that you spend way too much time torturing yourself with the negative that any brain/thinking disorder brings. I get myself in a rut all the time bitching myself out for being the way I am and I find I have to make myself remember the really cool things about myself even though I'm part freak. Btw, everyone is (part freak)... you're just a sweet enough person to feel bad about it and how it affects other people : )  
I'm sorry, I probably didn't help you much   : (      I admittedly suck at this!
Jennifer
Avatar universal
Oops!  Forgot to add "Merry Christmas!"  : D
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