Avatar universal

help please

I am a 34 year old male. I had been a good student in school. I finished my graduation and then post graduation as well. Currently I am doing a PhD. During my earlier education (till my post graduation and after that), I had been known for my memory (especially graphical memory). I still remember many situations very clearly eve  now, after 20 years.

The problem I am facing since 4-6 years (one emotional break up) is my memory does not support me. I can feel that I know the answer, but i am not able to recollect it - when it is needed. After sometime, without much effort, i can recollect it. Another problem is attention - i am not able to think / write in a focussed manner for long time. This is giving me a problem, as i read lot of papers, but i do not remember anything at the end of the paper. I even do not remember, what I write in my own paper, the next day!

Please help me. I know feel like disabled...I did not take any medication till now. Compared to my earlier memory, i now use only 2-5% of it.

Thank you very much!
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Avatar universal
Dear Sandman2,
Thanks for the reply!

I started using these techniques (highlighting, taking notes, etc) since sometime. But the situation did not improve. I am not able to recollect the notes made by myself, next time i see them!
Some moments (similar feelings like when i read last time) of taking the notes or reading a paper, i remember. But many times, its the blank memory that stares back.

Another situation, I quite often end up with is, when i start reading a paper, if i encounter a new word/issue, i tend to forget the central idea and start researching on the new issue till i exhaust my time.

I observed and heard from others also that my face (and knuckles) are quite darker compared to my general body color. I also developed a small white patch (one dermatologist diagnosed it as vitiligo) on my head in the last 4years time. I do not know if these symptoms are related, but they all pose a scary situation to me.

I am a vegetarian, and do not take any meat, eggs, or fish. Can these symptoms be traced back to the lack of balanced diet? How can I supplement my diet with other vegetarian diet?
Thank you very much!
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Avatar universal
Dear Sir,

Apart from my regular diet, I am taking some multi-vitamin supplements. But I am not sure if that is sufficient.
I just give an example of reading papers. But this lack of memory is showing up in many areas.
I am not sure, if I can convey this properly. Let me try!
I think that I am not committing my memory to a right place. i think the things I want to remember are stored in my brain somewhere, but it is getting difficult to retrieve them when I need. Earlier, I used to give some reference to the things I read (like the exam date) and memorize them. But now I feel that that referencing is not working. I can recollect the things after sometime. I still know that I have the answer with me, but I cannot get it out! This happens quite a lot in every day.
This coupled with the lack of attention. When I listen to someone, its more of hearing than listening. I keep nodding, but i do not remember anything. Its not that I was concentrating on something else. NO...My mind would be absolutely blank. I do not remember anything, except some key words of the conversation. At the same time, I do not know where was I? What was I thinking.

I hope I could make my situation clear.

Regarding the physical activity, I do cycling (20min a day), badminton (2 hours weekly), table tennis (2 hours weekly) and some routine walking. I am in a normal shape. I am 175cm tall and weigh about 73 kilos.
Thanks for your help!
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518009 tn?1221928180
I have had the same problem as you and it is truely frusterating! My mind is not comprehending things correctly. When taking college classes I would sit there and listen to the professor but everything they said did not make sense, it was like I did not understand a single word they were saying and then the next second I would forget everything or anything they said. When watching t.v. I hear the people talking but again non of its making sense.. its like it hits a wall in my brain as soon as I hear it.

I can not remember anything, I have also tried all the study tips. I feel hopeless because I am taking these classes trying to get a degree but can not remember a single thing I was suppose to of learned.

I know where your coming from and I'm amazed you are able to go on to get your PhD. I have not found a single way to help me in my case... but at least this adds another person with ADHD that has the same problem.
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Avatar universal
I am not on any medication. One psychologist prescribed Adwize (Indian version of Ritalin) for me, but after reading couple of reviews, I did not dare to start the medicine. I am opting for Omega-3 rich diet for the time being.
Though, I am not sure, with this if I can manage to climb over the PhD mountain!

From my childhood, i did not take many medicines. I can say that I am blessed with 'very' good health.

Any other suggestions? Do you know any good Psychologist in Netherlands (currently I am in NL) whom I can talk to?

Thank you very much!
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Avatar universal
We, in the research field, are complete slaves to this internet! :-)

I have been reading some posts in this forum and other ones. Reading other's posts is actually scaring me! So i am selectively reading them.

Still I want to believe that its just a temporary state of mind and i will overcome!
Lets see! I haven't yet started the omega-3 diet. Its difficult to find here..everything here is in Dutch and I am not yet used to translating "linseed/flax seed oil softgel capsule" to Dutch! So I asked my friend to send them from India. So in a week's time, I will start the supplements.

Thank you very much for your help! I really appreciate your support and help!
Caffeine does not help.
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Avatar universal
Hi archiplanner,

In one of your posts "Another situation, I quite often end up with is, when i start reading a paper, if i encounter a new word/issue, i tend to forget the central idea and start researching on the new issue till i exhaust my time."

This is EXACTLY how I feel sometimes. It's almost as if I am either exceling at my school work or cant remember a thing at all..or at least have to struggle with remembering. But I too, lately especially, will get extremely distracted when I am reading something. During my last semester this past spring, when I was doing research for my papers, I would read a subtopic or a work I wasn't familiar with and then go find out info abt that..thus leading to not completing, or taking a long time completing the subject of my research/paper.

I very much disagree, respectfully, with the issue that it doesn't get worse as you get older. It's a proven fact, thru research, that ADD/HD (its called ADHD now with 3 different variations of the disorder)--can in fact get worse with time. But what usually happens is the symptoms switch to a different form of ADHD. Typically, when adults start to notice the symptoms as an Adult, its along the forms of Inattentiveness ADHD. Which it sounds like what you are experiencing.

Regarding memory, I too have been having trouble with that. But its moreso my short term memory, which is common in someone with ADHD. I will get up to do something and then remember how I need to do something else. When I am finished with that first thing I needed to do, I forget what the second thing was. Example: I will get up make lunch and during the process I will think about how I have to pay a bill. Moments later, I have to stop and think of what I was going to do. i.e. pying the bill. Sometimes if I stop and think abt it for a few seconds/moments, I will remember. If I don't remember I will just continue doing what I was doing, hoping that I'll remember later on. Here are the various forms of ADHD:

"The symptoms of ADD / ADHD change as someone with ADD / ADHD develops from a child into a teenager and then into an adult.  While the core problems of hyperactivity, impulsiveness, and inattentiveness remain the same, the specific symptoms manifest differently. Typically, the symptoms of hyperactivity decrease and become more subtle, while problems related to concentration and organization become more dominant."

Form 1: Hyperactivity in adults:

*inability to relax
*restlessness, nervous energy
*talking excessively

Form 2: Impulsiveness in adults:

*volatile moods
*blurting out rude or insulting remarks
*interrupting others

Form 3: Inattentiveness in adults (WHICH IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH)

*“tuning out” unintentionally
*inability to focus on mundane tasks
*constantly losing and forgetting things  

This is an exact description of what I have gone and have been going through.

I started medication in August of 2007. I had been in the middle of grad school for my MBA. I always excelled in school, which is also often found with someone who has ADHD or even Bipolar disorder. Alot of times they are found to have a much higher than average intelligence level.

The difference, chemically b/w ADHD and Bipolar Disorder is that ADHD comes from a Dopamine inbalance,a decline in Dopamine that is. Bipolar comes from a Seratonin inbalance, Seratonin fluctuates. The brain either puts out too much Serotonin which results in manic episodes, or too little Seratonin, resulting in depressive episodes. Things that can trigger manic or depressive episodes can be environmental, i.e. major chgs in life, traumatic events such as loosing a loved one or loosing a relationship with a significant other, etc. Bipolar fluctuates. You may be balanced for days, weeks, years on end and then a manic or depressive episode comes to surface. These episodes can last for a few days, weeks, or even sometimes a year.

The reason I bring up Bipolar along with ADHD is b/c the symptoms of ADHD such as inability to get a good nights sleep and still having energy, racing thoughts leading to distraction, talking at a speed more than normal, inattentiveness, are also symptoms of the Manic side of Bipolar. Through research and a good psychiatrist, they will tell you that this is a fact. Most times someone who has Bipolar and ADHD will get diagnosed with one rather than both at the same time. The reason for that is b/c its almost impossible to diagnose 2 disorders that carry similiar symptoms. Its just something that you have to figure out as time passes. That is why having a good psychiatrist is very important. When I explained the sypmtoms to my general physician, she referred me to a psychiatrist. A good psychiatrist will spend a great amount of time with you, especially on your first visit. If a dr just prescribes you a medication w/o getting your background and the history of your symptoms, you will want to see a different psychiatrist so that you are not misdiagnosed. Some of the symptoms of Bipolar are:

Common signs and symptoms of mania include:

Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)

Signs and symptoms of hypomania
Hypomania is a less severe form of mania. People in a hypomanic state feel euphoric, energetic, and productive, but their symptoms are milder than those of mania and much less disruptive. Unlike manics, people with hypomania never suffer from delusions and hallucinations. They are able to carry on with their day-to-day lives. To others, it may seem as if the hypomanic individual is merely in an unusually good mood. But unfortunately, hypomania often escalates to full-blown mania or is followed by a major depressive episode.

Signs and symptoms of bipolar depression
The depressive phase of bipolar disorder is very similar to that of major depression. However, there are some notable differences. When compared to major depression, bipolar depression is more likely to include symptoms of low energy. People with bipolar depression tend to move and speak slowly and sleep a lot. They are also more likely to have psychotic depression, a condition in which they’ve lost contact with reality.

Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:

*Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
*Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
*Fatigue or loss of energy
*Physical and mental sluggishness
*Appetite or weight changes
*Sleeping too much or too little
*Concentration and memory problems
*Feelings of self-loathing, shame, or guilt
*Thoughts of death or suicide
*Signs and symptoms of a mixed episode

A mixed episode of bipolar disorder features symptoms of both mania and depression. Common signs of a mixed episode include
* irritability
*appetite changes
*loss of contact with reality
*suicidal thoughts.
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Avatar universal

Things that can trigger symptoms of Bipolar:

Stress - Severe stress or emotional trauma can trigger either depression or mania in someone with a genetic vulnerability to bipolar disorder. Stress can also worsen a bipolar mood episode or extend its duration.

Major Life Event - Major life events both good and bad can trigger an episode of bipolar disorder. These events tend to involve drastic or sudden changes, such as getting married, going away to college, starting a new job, or retiring.

Substance Abuse - While substance abuse doesn’t cause bipolar disorder, it can bring on an episode and worsen the course of the disease. Drugs such as cocaine, ecstasy, and amphetamines can trigger mania, while alcohol and tranquilizers can trigger depression.

Medication - Certain medications, most notably antidepressant drugs, can trigger mania. Other drugs that may induce mania include over-the-counter cold medicine, appetite suppressants, caffeine, corticosteroids, and thyroid medication.

Seasonal Changes -   Episodes of mania and depression often follow a seasonal pattern. Manic episodes are more common during the summer, and depressive episodes more common during the fall, winter, and spring.

Sleep Deprivation – Loss of sleep—even as little as skipping a few hours of rest—can trigger an episode of mania.

I strongly disagree that ADHD or BIpolar can be controlled with diet. I have tried experiementing with diet. Before I was diagnosed I was a very active, fit person with an impeccable diet. Omega 3's were always a part of my diet. After I started on medication, like many, you start to feel better and you think you don't need the med's anylonger. So I started to feel better and went off my med's, integrated a high Omega 3  and Omega 6 diet but that was a very naive and dangerous choice that I made. All the symptoms came back and I was in the exact place that I was before I was diagnosed. I still do keep Omega 3's  & 6's as a part of my diet, but that is not the only thing I rely on.

There is no cure for ADHD or Bipolar but med's help delay mood disorder and for ADHD med's increase extracellular dopamine dopamine levels in the brain. Research has come a long way. Brain scans for example continue to research activity levels in the brain of someone with ADHD, Bipolar and other disorders, compared with someone that does not have ADHD or Bipolar, etc. There is an evident difference in the two, leading researches to conclude that in fact it is chemical balances in the brain that affect those with ADHD, BIpolar, etc.

Also, don't let the ignorant stigma that is still associated with these disorders hold you back from getting help. Who cares if you are diagnosed with this if it helps you improve your life. Anyhow, you don't have to share it with anyone if you feel uncomfortable. Its your life.

I suggest you find a good psycjiatrist, maybe through your general physician. Try to get referred to one that has years of experience. My psychiatrist has practiced for 30 yrs.

Good luck
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Avatar universal
Thanks Sandman2. I have saturated myself in resch abt these topics along w/other disorders attributed to chemical imbalances.

In regards to Bipolar Disorder, when I was diagnosed in 2006,  I remember thinking...Oh my God! Finally, finally an explanation and an answer to alot of the feelings I have experiened for as long as I can remember. The more research I did the more I began to understand myself and my past and present life.

It was so very frustrating 4 me as a child, and of course 4 my mother. There had always been a struggle b/w me and my mother. I can't blame her though, med rsch has come along way. She was a parent w/ a child that seemed defiant all the time. There a SO many times I recall my mother saying..."Why r you ignoring me? I know you can hear me." She always attributed my actions to "playing games", being "manipulative", wanting to "start a fight", the list goes on.

As a child I struggled 2 understand myself w/in and 2 understand those around me. In my mind, I wasn't doing anything wrong. Which was true in a sense, b/c aside from normal child/teenage behavior, I didn't constantly think how I could start a fight w/ my mother or how I could manipulate her. I was the child that brought home the highest grades, worked hard around the house, etc. So for me I couldn't see where I was going wrong and where it was that I could possibly go right.

So when my mother accused me of doing such things I would scream, shout, and cry begging for her to believe that I couldn't hear her, I wasn't being manipulative, etc. In my mind, my world was logical...even though I noticed that others around me tended to never get labeled the same as me. My mother and I fought daily for hours on end, literally. FIghts would last 2,3,4,5, hours and she would even sometimes keep me home from school in an effort to "get through to me".

I had horrible relationships with all of my siblings b/c in our home growing up, I was the "problem child", the "black sheep", the child that was "possessed with the devil" (Yes I was actually told that by my mother).

So in August of 2006, I sat on the edge of my bed crying endlessly, which I had been doing for days...without any understanding of why I felt like crying. At that point I faced two choices. My first choice was suicide which I seriously contemplated, as I had numerous times before...The seriousness of my contemplation went as far as me planning out how I would do it, planning what I needed to do b/f I did it, etc.

The second choice was for me to fight for my life, literally...and find someone that could help me, understand what was going on with me and tell me what I could do to fix the way I had felt most of my life.

I chose to fight. The one thing I am sure of that saved my life is my Aunt. I believe in God and I believe as if she was my Guardian Angel. She committed suicide when I was 8 yrs old. An event I will never forget the details of. I saw how this affected the entire family and the one thing that held me back from taking my life was the thought of my mother (sister of my aunt) having to endure another suicide...no matter how estranged I was w/my mother, I could not put her through something like this...I couldn't have her experience another suicide. One was too much, but two, I don't know if she could have endured that.

In 2005, I was in full blown manic episodes without much time in b/w the episodes. Part of the reason I was experiencing so many manic symptoms was b/c I had previously been misdiagnosed in 2003.
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Avatar universal

In 2003, I was misdiagnosed by one of my University's psychiatrists. That is why I feel it is imperative to find a well -educated pychiatrist who will sit down and go into detail the history of one's life. I was originally misdiagnosed in 2003 b/c at the time, I was going thru a depression. Instead of the psychiatrist getting an extensive backgrd of my life, she simply chalked it up to me suffering from clinical depression. So I was put on anti-depressants, which is detrimental to someone with Bipolar Disorder. It simply supresses the depressive side of the disorder and excelerates the manic side.

This excelerated mania became evident in my life over the next few years. I racked up $34,000 in credit card debt, I couldn't hold a job, I was drinking so heavily that I put myself into a dangerous situation of drinking and then driving when I was far beyond having the ability to drive.

The combination of alcohol and the anti-depressant I was taking at the time (Zoloft) is practically lethal. Combing Zoloft and alcohol, the body metabolizes the alcohol at the rate of one drink equal to having three drinks. I remember that I used to crave alcohol. Something I had never experienced in my life before. I later learned that I subconsciously associating the alcohol with leveling my mood. You see, b/c I was on anti-depressants I was in a constant state of mania. Alcohol brings the mania down, sometimes to a level of balance and more often than not to a deeper level even to manifest as depression. The cycle continued.

My lifestyle revolved around going out after work w/my co-workers every night of the week, and on weekends too. Rarely a day went by when I didn't drink to the point of being drunk. Even my friends made comments abt how much I could drink. We would get to the bar at 7:00 and by 12:00 I would have had 7-10 glasses of wine. No kidding!

A blessing in disguise, a real wakeup call, was when I was pulled over in March 2005 and charged with a DUI. I had had so much to drink that I passed out at the wheel while at a stoplight. I remember pulling over to get a bottle of water b/c I knew I had too much to drink. I was overexhausted which made it worse. When the police officer knocked on my window, I woke up having a cigarette in one hand and the bottle of water in the other, and thank GOD, my foot was still on the brake.

The crazy thing of it is, on that same street which I drove every night from work to home, I did the same thing. I passed out at the wheel...but that time the cop bought my story of just being exhausted and he let me go. I guess God was looking out for me both time and the only thing that finally woke up was for me to get charged with the DUI.

Other things that happened during 2005: I would pull over and sleep in my car during my way home from work/bar b/c I knew I couldn't make it home. I would go out w/friends and spend the night in my car which was in the parking lot; to the point of my friends/coworkers seeing me do this a few times and they were so concerned they actually informed my boss and my boss was actually kind enough to sit me down and find out what was going on. I couldn't really explain to her what was going on b/c I didn't even know myself

But it gets worse. In 2005 I had moved back in with my parents b/c I was so deep in debt. After graduating college, after loosing countless jobs, after racking up an enormous amt of debt I had nowhere else to turn. I moved out at the age of 18 so for me to move back home at the age of 28 was something I never thought I would have to do.

My parents had/have always been there for me but my moods had excalated to a point they had never been to before. After another fight with my mother, I refused to "take" how she was treating me (Little did I know it was me, not her). I moved out, left my dog with my parents and decided that I would live out of my car. I had an Explorer at the time. I had all my work clothes, suits and dresses in the back of my car. I would shower at my health club and change the next morning in my car. I was so terrified that someone would notice I was sleeping in my car that I would put my clothes on hangers and hang them on every window so no one could see in.

After work one day, my boss asked me why I had so much stuff in the back of my car. I told her it was all the clothes I needed dry cleaned. I lived out of my car for abt 3 months until I got a new job and saved enough money to get my own apt. Never did I think that my life would come to that point. But I suppose noone ever think something like that can happen.

Someone looking at me from the outside would have never known I could come to this point. I was the honor student, the athlete, the ambitious and independent one. My friends, the few that took my b.s. and stuck around, would always tell me, "You have so much going for you. You are well educated, you have a dynamic personality, you are highly intelligent, etc". But I never believed them b/c I knew what was really going on inside of me...and what was going on I could never tell or explain to anyone b/c I did not even understand it myself.

Fast-forward to a year and a half later. August 2006 was the point at which my life would start to make sense. Things would be revealed to me about myself that I never understood b/f. In addition to starting medication for BPD, I also went thru some counseling, which helped but I got fired from my job 6 weeks into my counseling and so I no longer had health insurance. So I had to quit my counseling sessions.

The reason counseling is so important if one has BPD is b/c in having BPD you learn to build up defenses, form ways of reacting/acting and establish habits in order to "get through" life. The world that someone lives in if having BPD is the only world that they can make sense of. Creating these barriers and protective defenses is literally a way of coping with the environment that is at most times too highly stimulating to endure. In the world of BPD, everything is intensified to the "nth" degree.

Instances that someone without BPD would be able to handle would affect the person with BPD in a overly dramatic way. Something that a person w/o BPD might be sad abt for a day or two might often times send the person w/BPD into a severe depression. The world of BPD is constant unrelenting sensory overload. And unfortunately that overload is not something that person even realizes b/c they only know that world, their world. And grasping the understanding of how/why other people react/act is incomprehensible.

That is why counseling is so important in addition to taking medication. They call it "behavioral counseling", which is basically a way of the person making sense of why they have done what they have done and do what they do...in other words why they react and act the way they have/do...making sense of and understanding the separation and connectioin of the disorder and the action/reactions.

Counseling was an opportunity for me dig deep and disect my reactions/actions and understand why I reacted/acted the way I did...it helped me to understand the connection between my habits and the disorder. I can't wait until I can go back into counseling for I believe it is truly an important part of maintaining balance for someone who has BPD.
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Avatar universal

Medication isn't a cure, so that's why counseling is beneficial. The med's just help prolong the time in between episodes. That is what is so difficult at times to explain to my mother and some of my friends. They don't understand that medication does not or cannot cure the disorder. Even now, at times, I struggle with explaining the way I am feeling to someone, trying to explain the cause of my fluctuating moods by educating and informing them in depth abt the disorder. It becomes exhausting after awhile. And I feel sometimes that my explanations of BPD fall on deaf ears.

Then again, someone w/o BPD can realistically never understand to the fullest extent what it is really like, what it feels like, what it's like to deal with. It is difficult to the person w/o BPD to comprehend the ups and downs, the racing thoughts, the endless spouts of crying at times, the happy at one moment and depressed the next moment. Or even more, understanding that someone w/BPD may be happy and seem fine for 6 months straight but then for whatever reason they fall into a depression or a manic episode.

It's kind of like saying that I can understand what it is to be a black woman even though I am a white woman. Or saying that I can understand what it's like to be a man when I am a woman. That's just something that is impossible. And sometimes it irritates me b/c my mother and one of my closest friends think that they have the disorder and me all figured out, acting as if they can explain to me what I am feeling and why I shouldn't be feeling this way.

That's why people like me are seen as "crazy" sometimes...one moment I may be fine, the next moment I am like a banchy.

That is why it is so important to bring mental health awareness to the forefront of our society. I believe it would help people w/o these disorders at least have the ability to understand to the point that they realistically could. Also, with awareness comes less of a stigma and more empathy. Not sympathy, empathy. I don't ever want someone to feel sorry for me b/c I have BPD. That's why I refuse to say "I am Bipolar". Because I am not Bipolar. I am someone who struggles with BPD just as someone who might struggle with another medical impairment such as diabetes or arthyritis, etc. Living for so many years w/o feeling as if I have any control over my world..the last thing I want to do is start feeling sorry for myself. Even though at times I fight this daily b/c of fluctuating moods. It just depends where I am at that point--depressed, manic or level. And of course at the point of being level, feeling sorry for myself is not something that I even consider. Se la vie.

More frustrating than the disorder itself is the fact that so many of my actions came with long lasting consequences. I have a DUI on my record and still have not been able to reinstate my license. I have bankruptcy on my record. All things that are not too appealing to someone who has interviewed me for a job and finds out lafter doing a background check that these things are on my record. So many times I have wondered if this was the straw that broke the camels back when it came to me coming back for another interview or being offered the job.

My resume doesn't include any job that has lasted longer than a year and a half. So although I have achieved the highest of marks in my Masters program, I graduated with a 4.0 even while working two full-time jobs, I cannot get away from the fact of feeling overly self-conscious when I go into an interview. Almost as if I am wasting my time. Sure my personality and the fact that I have always excelled at prior jobs looks good on paper. Even though I have had so many jobs, I have always hit the highest achievements (I was in Sales & Marketing for years and always hit way above my quota) it still is/was not enough.The lack of extended track record , many interrviewers may see as a risk.

Not to mention the lack of good references. In the past I have not always left on the best of notes. So although I am in better shape now than I was in the past, there is always that lingering question, can I ever get past my past?

I get my first foot in the door and I can "sell" myself and the interviewer sees my abilities, but I wonder how long the incidents on my record, or my subconscious insecurities abt those incidents, will hold me back. I dread the moment that I have to fill out a background check. The only thing that runs through my mind is, they'll never want to hire someone with a DUI and bankruptcy.

Those are the biggest reasons I struggle daily with going on the job search. There is a constant fear inside of me that I fight with, a constant fear of being rejected and having to live with the consequences of my past actions until a time unknown to me. This is my struggle right now.

So enough with my long story. I hope that this at least helps someone else that may have experienced these things or similar things in life. Or can even help someone that knows someone with a chemical inbalance i.e. mental disorder (I hate those words--to me they sound like words of defeat).

Any advice from you or anyone else would be great. I need to figure a way out of my biggest struggle right now which is getting up, getting out, and going to get that job that I deserve according to my abilites. I have never been one to aim low, sometimes accused of aiming too high, but right now I feel like I am stuck in a hole that I am trying to dig my way out of. Even the reality of the fact that I am coming to my last penny in my savings acct hasn't shaken me to the point of finding motivation enough to put some plans into action. I get up every morning and tell myself, "Today is the day. I can do this". Then the fear sets in...

Thanks for listening and I look fwd to hearing from you and anyone else that has questions abt my experiences or wants to share any of their own experiences, i.e. having a disorder or struggling to understand someone close to them with a disorder.

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447130 tn?1225470866
I know a quicker, easier solution to your problem, see a psychiatrist. They can ask questions and make a proper diagnosis. We can sit and guess all day but it too a doctor to tell me I had some ADD traits. ANd yes I had memory loss, it did go away and now I remmeber fine but it was really bad for awhile. A lot of thing contributed to it, not just ADD. See a doctor to find out what the problem really is.
Good Luck
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Avatar universal
Thanks Sandman2 for appreciating my posts...even at the length in which they are...Writing helps me tremedously to try and get all the ruckous of of my mind.

I do live in a big city and I had signed up with a temp agency last March. I worked a few jobs and the last one I worked was for 4 mos. At that point I hadn't been on my ADHD med's until the end of my job. They ended up hiring someone and the day before I was to end this temp job I received a call from the office mgr. She told me not to bother coming in for my last day (which is funny b/c my last day was my B-day), b/c a patient's parent called her and the corporate office and complained about something I said to his child. Get this though, every other parent that brought their child in for treatment loved me, not to sound arrogant...but they told me they wished I could stay permanently (which I knew I wouldn't b/c it was a temp admin job until I finished my Masters).  So even though I received so many compliments the guy who called the corp office and complained apparently upset them to the pt of me leaving on somewhat bad terms.  The guy had come in a few times b/f. His child had just started treatment. His child in treatment was only a few months old. He always brought his other 2 children w/him. Everytime he came into the clinic he would be on the phone the entire time. Sometimes he would step out of the clinic and leave his two children there. His children were horrible. They would stand up and walk on all the chairs as if it were the yellow brick road. They would take the info packets and through them around the clinic as if they were a toy. Those pkts cost the clinic money. They would run back and forth around the clinic sometimes into rooms where other pts were. At no time did the father correct their behavior. He was "too busy" on the phone. Poor kids were probably just trying to get some attn. The first time I said something to them, they listened and sat quietly. I told them something along the lines of, "Hey guys your brother is here to see the doctor. I know you guys probably want to go home b/c its not really fun being here. It would be great if you could help your daddy out by sitting quietly reading a book a grab a toy from the chest and have fun with that. That way your daddy get out of here quicker. It's important to behave in a doc's office. So do you think you guys can do that for your daddy?" They responded by behaving. Their dad wasn't in the room the first time I said that to them. But the next time they came in, I addressed them again b/c their father didn't bother correcting them. The father heard me and looked at me with utter disbelief. Even though I said it to them in the sweetest way possible. It's not like I was being mean to them. Even after I talked to them, the father didn't do anything abt their behavior. In my opinion, people like this should not bring children into the world. They just end up growing to be a dysfunctional adult that never got enough nourishment and attn from their parents...therefore developing into an annoying and rude adult. Apparently the father was so "livid" w/what I said to his children he called the corp office. So that was that. I only had one day left on this temp job anyway.

When I finished this job, I never called back into the agency to see when they would have the next job lined up for me. I was too terrified that the clinic I temped at gave me a bad report simply for that one incident. Even though, in my opinion, I didn't do anything wrong. I have thought abt signing up w/a diff agency. Which is something I will try to do this week. Thanks for the reminder.

A separate link would be great. Recently since I joined MedHelp and have received a bunch of feedback on my posts, I have thought about even starting my own website. Sure there's alot of these sites out there, but why not try. There is never too many sites like this...there's always plenty of people who need it. So what do you think abt that idea?  You think people would the site. I have some ideas abt what the format would be like...We'll see, maybe it's just the thing that I could start and get into that would be good for me. Afterall, its right up my alley since I live w/ADHD and BPD every single day.

Talk to you soon. Any feedbk again would be great...

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