Sorry but I really need support today!

[ZJILLIAN]

Things here have been he!! with my Dad going completely insane, demented, delirious, mean and out of control. (99 year old in a wheelchair). He makes no sense unless he is bullying me and today I have had it!. He has tram and codeine in his drawer and I am so very very very close to just taking one. The day feels intolerable, I am so extremely depressed and it isn't even my difficult afternoon time yet. I don't think I can keep doing this if I am clean. Only drugs have made these three years tolerable.

Day 65 and I can't remember a post withdrawal that has been this tough. I wake up in the morning and it still feels like I am in withdrawal. Shaky, and anxious and dreading the day. I have been glued to this site and it is the one things that has saved me so far.

I think I am very lonely and just need to know there are warm bodies out there.
Jill

[dominosarah]

Here is a warm body sending you a ton of strength Jill.....Dont you dare reach in that drawer girl.....That will get you nowhere physically but mentally it will mess you up.  I know the feelings of having a parent like that.  My mother is an angry bitter old woman who loved to knock me down every chance she got.  I finally realized after i cleaned up i will never have that mother that I wanted to have.  You have to get out of this mind set you are in.  Keep talking girl...........

[ZJILLIAN]

Thank you so much sara,
It moves me to tears to have someone respond. I am just holding on until 5:00 when I know this will pass. Hour by Hour!

[dominosarah]

You are important to us and we are here to support you.  Take it minute by minute, second by second if you have too.....You can do this.  You are stronger than you think.  Here is a big warm hug for you           sara

[ZJILLIAN]

It feels like I am torturing myself. I keep returning to the thought of the feeling. This is the only thing that helps (this site). I truly am going min to min. This is absolutely the lowest I felt since I stopped using. Over the past years the longest I've gone without pills has been 3 months and that was always regulated by script availability. Although I would take anyone's  medication even if I didn't really know what it would do.

I need to stop.

[narla]

You can get through this,I'll send you a warm hug across the ocean.Remember a grumpy old man isn't worth giving up all you've achieved.My thoughts will be with you min by min as you get through this and you will get through it.

Your in my thoughts and prayers  Denise

[gizzy32]

I am sorry your having a tough time right now. You have made it 65 days now and that is something to be proud of, very proud:)  

It's been cold here lately so sorry my body is not very warm, sorry lol. I did want to give you some support and seeing you fight through this gives me strength too. It takes strength to reach out in times of weakness, so your a very strong women. Please hang in there and keep posting and talking. You have come to far to turn back now. Sending you a big hug.

[ZJILLIAN]

Thank you gizzy I have always found your posts inspiring, Really. It is almost 5:00, my safe hour, and I've almost made it for today.

[ZJILLIAN]

Thank you ! You've help me make it, almost, today. It is almost 5:00 and I'll be safe for today. Thanks for the hug; it really helped.
Jill

[dominosarah]

How are things going today?

[ZJILLIAN]

Actually I made a stern resolution to stop being so pitiful and change my attitude. I walked around and around outside my house saying the serenity prayer for about 1./2 hr with my dogs marching behind me. Then I called a friend to go out for coffee. And now I am confronting the dread afternoon.

I am using all my AA slogans today which have always been lifesavers. Especially Let go and Let God. I can't fix my father I am turning it over and staying clean.

Thank you so very much for your support. It is a miracle I made it through yesterday still clean 66 days.