11 boy sexually abuses 8 year old sister...HELP

[Confused_Concerned]

I recently got married to my sole mate…Happy News!!!!  Well it goes down hill from here.  He has an 11 year old son and an 8 year old daughter.  I have an 11 year old son and a 6 year old daughter.  It has recently been brought to our attention that his 11 year old son attempted sexual intercourse with his 8 year old sister.  By attempted I mean he stuck his hard penis into her vagina, but when she started to cry because it (obviously) hurt he stopped.  Ok I get that the “definition” of rape is “the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse” and if he stopped when asked it might be difficult to call it rape….but I’m not buying it.  

He is an extremely intelligent 11 year old boy; I have often said he is a 30 year old man stuck in an 11 year olds body which even it is oversized for his age.  He is about 5’3”, 150 pounds, and pardon the graphics but has about a 4” penis.  I know this because he has NO modesty at all!!!  He came out of the bathroom after showering one day with nothing on but a smile.  I just so happened to come around the corner at just the WRONG moment and there it was.  I shouted at him to cover himself and continued by saying there are young girls living in this house too, and behavior such as this is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated.  He responded by saying I was overreacting.  

Moral to this long story is he knew what he was doing was wrong and his response once “caught” was “I was curious and angry”.  I know it is normal for an 11 year old boy to be curious but once you cross this line it goes much beyond that.  Sexual abuse in any sense is wrong, but there is a BIG difference between rubbing and touching out of curiosity verses penetrating your younger sister with your (very large for your age) penis.  We can’t seem to get a straight answer out of either of them as to exactly how many times this happened.  The best conclusion we have been able to draw is that there were several things that lead up to the penetration.  Such has him “humping” her while lying in bed together, him fondling her, etc.  Since the penetration there has been a couple more time of founding, etc but the penetration only happened once.

I know there are several questions such as why is he angry, why were the children sleeping in the same bed, etc.  Background is my 11 year old step son was angry about his parents getting separated, and was even angrier that his little sister (the victim) wasn’t angry about it.  It has always been common practice for them to sleep in the same bed together if one or the other of them was frightened for some reason.  Even when their dad (my now husband) still lived at home with them, this was common practice.  He says as they got to be about 7 and 9 he told the mother that he felt they were getting too old to be sleeping together and she responded by saying they had raised good kids with strong Christian values, and they would never do anything inappropriate to one another.  Now that the abuse has happened she continues to use the “Christian” approach and has both of them “dealing with it” by telling them “the devil made me do it”.  Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against religion, but telling children that the devil made them do something so horrible isn’t a healthy way of helping them deal with it nor is it a way of making the boy take responsibility for this horrible act he choose to commit.

I know I am rambling, but I am so angry myself.  I am angry that this happened to my stepdaughter, I am angry that my stepson is hurting because of the guilt he feels, I am angry that social services justifies it by saying “these things happen and there isn’t’ anything we can do about it, I am just sad and angry all the way around.  

What I want to know is:

Is it a safe and healthy situation for both of the children to be allowed to stay in the same house together (even though certain ground rules have been put in place to TRY and prevent it from happening again the mother has to sleep sometimes, and besides each time anything has happened she has been home), or should one or the other be removed from the environment until they can both be counseled?  What my husband and I have proposed to both the mother and the social services is that we take my step-daughter for a while until my step son can get counseling and they can try to get to the bottom of why he did this horrible act and most importantly how capable is he of doing it again, and secondly she can get counseling that is healthy and will allow her to cope and deal with this in a healthy/healing way.  Both refuse.  Are we overreacting?  Would we be causing the children more harm by separating them even though only for a short while?

If it helps, even before any of this stuff came out my stepdaughter begged us to let her live with us.  When we would ask her why she didn’t want to go home she would just say the typical stuff you expect from kids coming from a split home.  Mommy yells too much, I don’t like Paul (her step dad), my brother is mean, I have someone to play with here (my 6 year old daughter).  In reality I know it is the structure our house offers that she urns for even though she is too young to understand that is what she likes.

Desperately seeking guidance in KY

[allmymarbles]

Aren't you worried about your own children? You have both a son and daughter at risk. Your son can pick up habits from your step-son and your daughter is in danger of being molested. My first concern would be for them.

[rocknmom0204]

This behavior your step son displayed was learned, and by what you said about ur step daughter not liking her step dad says he may be the teacher and this issue is probably a lot bigger than you realize. You should have your husband try for full custody of his daughter. Your step son needs councliling, and fast. Their mother is obviously putting thim in a harmful situation. Just like any abuser your step son will attack again. And even though the 8yr old girl isn't old enough to have kids yet forced sex will cause her period to srart and she will then be able to get pregnant...and thats not something you want her to have to go through. I don't believe your over reacting I believe your under reacting if anything. This "mother" of theirs is using religion as a crutch and if she spouts that jesus freak bs in a court room you will have no problem getting custody. Make sure you document that this has happened, also if it happens again b4 you can renove the girl fron the home you take her straight to the hospital and have wahts called a "rape kit" done. The fact that u went to cps and the mom did nothing but make excuses shows that you have the girls best interest at heart. I wish you the best, now go get started and don't stop till that little girl is safe

[pebchibij]

Most adult sex offenders begin to offend at a young age.  Unless the 11 year old is made to be accountable for his actions he will not stop.  He needs treatment and the authorities need to be made aware.  The most important aspect of this story should be the victim.  She should never be alone with the 11 year old male, no matter how much the boy says he is never going to do this again.  I know all of this because I have lived with and helped adolescent sex offenders for many years.  They will not get better on their own.
Linda

[kenneltech]

First of all, by the way you  describe your stepson, it sounds like he has gotten away with a lot of things with his real mother and his father. He has a smart mouth, and I would be telling my husband that this has got to stop.

Secondly, it sounds like there is a whole lot more to this story that isn't being told.  The fact that your stepdaughter was so adament about not going to her mothers house because she "doesn't like the stepdad and the brother is too mean" says a lot.  What has been going on there?  You don't ever know what goes on behind closed doors, and the mother could be turning a blind eye because they are all "demonized!"  I don't mean to be flippant about it, but I have a friend who is like that, God will take care of it!

Also, this stepson was abused, and NO ONE is going to tell me he wasn't.  I was so abused and battered when I was growing up that I pretty much know all the signs.  We do what we learn, and what he did was not normal "exploring."  He learned that from somewhere, and I wouldn't be mad at him, I would find out what has really been going on, because, trust me, social services won't!

Good luck, and keep your stepdaughter away from him as she has already been traumatized, and she is afraid of him.

[allmymarbles]

So don't let the step-children in the house. This is your husband's problem and he has to handle it. If you stand firm you may see some action. After all, you are in the right.

[Confused_Concerned]

Of course I am concerned about my own children.  I got my daughter in to the doctor on the Tuesday following the weekend we found out.  I told her she was getting a head to two physical and that all little girls have to do it to stay healthy.  It helped that I had to have a hysterectomy back in August so I said "mommy didn't start having her girl parts check soon enough that is why they got unhealthy and I had to have them taken out".  She understood and excepted it.  She is fine; still sweet and innocent.  

As far as keeping my children safe that is why we are asking for my step daughter not my stepson.  Obviously I don't want to bring him into my home and take the chance of my daughter being violated too.  I just want everyone to get the help they need to recover from this tragedy without causing any long term side effects for anyone.

[faithfulchild]

I think your proposal to take your step daughter for a while so that bth her and your step son can be counselled was a reasonable thing to do. There is no way both of them should still be under the same roof until the root of the situation is dealt with.

I am in agreement with you regarding what his mother is doing. She should not be downplaying the boy's responsibility for what happened. Whether or not the devil was involved ( lol), it was his choice to make. He should take full responsibility for what he did.

Since your step daughter cant be with you, you can still pay close attention to her. I hope things work out for you all.

[jo929]

he learned this somewhere, also it is a well known fact that a male child and a female child should have their own bed and never sleep in the same bed, also it is a known fact that each every child should have their own bed from birth, also their own room if possible, i do beleive the children need to be separated, and he should be punished in some way, he needs to be taught that this is unacceptable behavior it sounds like he has had his way to long and it is time that someone took charge  luck  jo

[Sarah1013]

I think theres is a little bit of good news to your story. It may not be much but at least your step son did have the moral capacity to stop when he realized it hurt his sister. It was still very wrong of course, but I think there is a good chance the problem could be resolved if the boy gets help. However I wonder if leaving him with his mother would do him any good considering what shes trying to instill in him (the whole devil thing). That is just teaching him that he can blame any of his bad actions on the devil and take no responsibility himself.