9 years in a relationship full of mental and emotional abuse

[tennessee43]

Anyone out there experienced Emotional and physical abuse? I was always feeling that I was doing something wrong and that I am not good enough. He was always pushing me to please him. The harder I tried the more he picked me apart. I was always physically sick in his presence. We were both professionals but I learned the hard way that abusive people comes in all levels. We both have our own homes and I have ended the relationship with this man due to the fact that my teenage daughter begin to take on the sad spirit that she saw me walking around with. No matter how I tried to hide the emotional and verbal abuse from her she say right through me. Finally after so much stress and pressure from the constant blaming me for his anger and his pitfalls in his own life I had a stoke from the stress. I was able to recover in 3 weeks because the stroke was treated in a timely manner. This is the first time I ever seen my abuser show me any emotion. He admitted that he felt responsible. As I got better and my speech and strength in my hands increased I told him that I forgave him. Wrong to do with an abuser. As soon as he got those words the abuse started up again.  The constant blaming me for his anger and his outbursts were back. My daughter took my cell phone without my knowing and asked him why he always give me a hard time? He begin to blame me to my daughter for things happening in our relationship and she just hung up on him and begged me to leave this man alone. I took her advice  and have not contacted him nor has he tried to contact me but this is part is his withholding game and blame game to make me carry his bad behavior. I am over this 50 year old man conducting himself like a teenager. The tantrums, outbursts, were out of this world. I have been so use to his put downs and abuse until I find myself missing him but yet feels so glad he is out of my life so I can breath. I don't feel that caged feeling anymore but I am feeling like I am missing my abuser, how can that be? I am reading book after book and it has helped a great deal but I feel attracted and use to him. How do I rid him once and for all out of my life. I don't want to see him ever again but I am still very much in love with my abuser. GO FIGURE.  Please talk some sense to me because this is not making any sense to me? Am I that co-dependent?  

[stillgrowingLisa]

I think I understand how you feel.  I was married to an emotional and verbally abusive man for 20 years.  He was VERY controlling. In his eyes everything wrong in our relationship was due to my unwillingness to meet his standards.  Really what was happening was his anxieties were only calmed if he felt he was "in control" of EVERYTHING.  He had a reason to be angry and unhappy every day.  I was a very anxiety filled and eager to pacify person.  It was a horrible match.  Very unhealthy.  Long story short - we have been divorced for 10 months.  Just this morning I spent hours crying because I miss him.  I dream about him almost every night.  I think what I really miss is the idea of being loved - especially the way he loved me in the beginning.  I read somewhere today that until we have totally grieved the loss, and worked through the pain we can mistake our need for closure and our need for proof we are lovable for a desire for reconciliation.  This makes sense to me. Counseling is very necessary when you have been abused.  You need to understand what happend so that it never happens again.  

Namaste

[Sarah1013]

I know how you feel. Even now there is still a part of me that loves my ex. He abused me mentally, physically and sexually. When I first broke away from him it was like that, missing him all the time. It made me feel sick. After a while those feelings faded. The love is still there deep inside of me, but there is no longer one ounce of me that wants to be with him or is attracted to him.

[jewelscute1]

Thank you tennessee for your opinion.  It has helped me tremendously and the question overall helps me to realize why my daughter hates her father so much.  She has not been influenced by him, however, she can not stand him when he's around.  Makes sense.  My daughter was the exact same way!

[allmymarbles]

It takes two to tango. It also takes two for sado-masochism.

[kathy434]

Sometimes the best advice comes from the mouths of our children.  Your daughter is very wise for her youth.  You could see for yourself that she was greatly affected by all the abuse that went on in your relationship.  Don't even entertain the idea of returning to this man at all.  Your daughter loves and cares a great deal about you.  In return, you need to show her your love, respect and appreciation for her having stepped up to the plate to take care of you, to protect you.  It is time you wake up to reality.  There is no better predictor of future behavior than past behavior.  He is a cancer to you and to your daughter.
You would do well to get some counseling to help you work through your feelings about this man and to help you let go of him.  You and he had a sick relationship.  Your daughter declared it is time to get out and get well and you and she live a happy life.  Honor her great wisdom and honor her feelings and health.
Our bodies cannot survive under constant pressure and stress.  It sends our Cortisol levels right off the charts.  This causes your body to break down.  Have heart attacks, and strokes. It is up to YOU to make changes in your thinking, emotions, beliefs, attitude, self esteem, and realize that you deserve so much better than what you had.  Your daughter deserves to have her mother alive to share in her getting married, having a family, enjoying her education and launching her own career.  She needs you to be there, not only for yourself, but for her.  That man is a cancer.  He WILL kill you.  It is time for you to change yourself, and do it also for your daughter's sake.

[guessagain]

Is't it great that your daughter was able to recognize all of this. It's to bad she she had to be a part of it, but in the end you showed her she was most important to you and  confirmed the believe that neither of you had to take it. Hopefully you've broken a cycle. Good for both of you.  

[margypops]

Yes you probably are I think you use your thoughts for your own good here,I am always telling folks that it is their thoughts that make them feel bad,I do believe this ,in this case I would say to you think back for a short while ,how you felt, what your daughter said, all the times he demeaned you and made you so unwell, let your thoughts for once or more focus on what you went through,,,it hopefully will cure you. You did the best Bravest ,most clever thing,in escaping some folks have never escaped and live with it .Good Luck sounds like you are doing okay  and have your life back....