Aa
A verbally Abusive son ...
I have a soon to be 19 year old son that has gotten way out of control with how he treats me.
March 29, 2009 he watched a friend die ... (there was four boys swimming in a pond in March here in NC --- water was FREEZING ... they all got hyperthermia) and one drowned. He has guilt with that. Even though the final autopsy showed the boys heart had stopped and no matter if he had been gotten to or not, he would have died.
Then a year later a very close friend of his that practically lived here died of an asthma attack. AND 6 months after that, another close friend passed away from an overdose. (He was one of the four that was swimming the day the first boy drowned) ... So, with that said, he has had a traumatic time with loosing people.
It was after all this that my son just lost all "sense". He smokes pot, and refuses to see he needs to stop.
He drinks and he and his girlfriend (who lives here with us, she has no family at all, and lost everything - so i let stay here ----- another story for another day).
I have clearly stated no pot, no drugs, no alcohol. VERY clearly.
Well, they drink anyway. And it gets violent with them.
I have made them leave 3 times ... his dad lets them come back. The last time they were living in his truck and it he asked for help saying he would do anything it took to make it right. I let him back ... (HUGE ... HUGE mistake) ...
The last couple of years, he has escalated with abuse ...
about 6 months ago, the mean name callings (F'n B-ch) .... I am a lazy, bad mom .... Cusses at me, puts me down, and as of last night threatened me.
I have loved him, been there no matter what ... gave him everything. Worked hard to make a good life for him and his brother.
I have another son (he will be 14 in March) ... he is the exact opposite of my older son. He is respectful and get really mad when his brother treats me the way he does.
My husband ....... well - is verbally abusive. This is where my oldest has learned alot of what he does to me.
My husband says things and my oldest thinks he also has the right to talk to me like his father. (Neither of them have that right and there is no excuse) ... but ...
When I get onto my oldest (being lazy - or what ever it may be) it starts an arguement and my husband tells ME to shut up and quit starting things. And I am running my mouth again ... ect ... So - my son sees this as my husband validating him and not me. They both are verbally abusive and many times at the same time.
I stay in my room most times because it is easier. It is NOT fair ... why do they get to run the house while I have to be a prisoner in my own home?!? Really?
If i try to talk to my husband ... it starts another argument. He gets defensive about his son. He blames me for everything ... what a bad mom i am, what a bad person i am. He refuses to hug me, kiss me, sex has not happened in 5+ years ... No companionship at all, nothing. Even with all that I have sacrificed ... all that I have done to help him with the cancer and transplant.
It is not fair to my youngest ... he is in the middle of all this.
My husband had liver cancer ... the last 5 years I have stuck right by him and taken care of him. He had a transplant last March and is doing really good now. It was me and my youngest that was there - my oldest no where to be found.
I told him to be out by friday (01-17-2014) ... and never come back. He is in the process, but not before he cussed me and told me what a terrible mother I am, etc. He was telling me what he was taking and I could not do anything about it. Then to proceed to tell me he would beat my *** if i tried to stop him. (LOL - really?!?) His dad might be frail, but I am not. I NEVER ever thought he would be like this ... NEVER. I am not scared ... I am not sure if he would try ... I am sure in the near future - he is going to try it, the way he is escalating ...
I want so badly to walk away. Let him and his father have it and battle it all out.
The abuse is just more than I can take anymore. It is from two people now, not just one. I think when it was with just one, it was easier to ignore or "deal" with because i knew there would be a time I could get away when the boys were older.
I have no where to go or no one to help me. No confidence, no self esteem ...... I have no way out.
March 29, 2009 he watched a friend die ... (there was four boys swimming in a pond in March here in NC --- water was FREEZING ... they all got hyperthermia) and one drowned. He has guilt with that. Even though the final autopsy showed the boys heart had stopped and no matter if he had been gotten to or not, he would have died.
Then a year later a very close friend of his that practically lived here died of an asthma attack. AND 6 months after that, another close friend passed away from an overdose. (He was one of the four that was swimming the day the first boy drowned) ... So, with that said, he has had a traumatic time with loosing people.
It was after all this that my son just lost all "sense". He smokes pot, and refuses to see he needs to stop.
He drinks and he and his girlfriend (who lives here with us, she has no family at all, and lost everything - so i let stay here ----- another story for another day).
I have clearly stated no pot, no drugs, no alcohol. VERY clearly.
Well, they drink anyway. And it gets violent with them.
I have made them leave 3 times ... his dad lets them come back. The last time they were living in his truck and it he asked for help saying he would do anything it took to make it right. I let him back ... (HUGE ... HUGE mistake) ...
The last couple of years, he has escalated with abuse ...
about 6 months ago, the mean name callings (F'n B-ch) .... I am a lazy, bad mom .... Cusses at me, puts me down, and as of last night threatened me.
I have loved him, been there no matter what ... gave him everything. Worked hard to make a good life for him and his brother.
I have another son (he will be 14 in March) ... he is the exact opposite of my older son. He is respectful and get really mad when his brother treats me the way he does.
My husband ....... well - is verbally abusive. This is where my oldest has learned alot of what he does to me.
My husband says things and my oldest thinks he also has the right to talk to me like his father. (Neither of them have that right and there is no excuse) ... but ...
When I get onto my oldest (being lazy - or what ever it may be) it starts an arguement and my husband tells ME to shut up and quit starting things. And I am running my mouth again ... ect ... So - my son sees this as my husband validating him and not me. They both are verbally abusive and many times at the same time.
I stay in my room most times because it is easier. It is NOT fair ... why do they get to run the house while I have to be a prisoner in my own home?!? Really?
If i try to talk to my husband ... it starts another argument. He gets defensive about his son. He blames me for everything ... what a bad mom i am, what a bad person i am. He refuses to hug me, kiss me, sex has not happened in 5+ years ... No companionship at all, nothing. Even with all that I have sacrificed ... all that I have done to help him with the cancer and transplant.
It is not fair to my youngest ... he is in the middle of all this.
My husband had liver cancer ... the last 5 years I have stuck right by him and taken care of him. He had a transplant last March and is doing really good now. It was me and my youngest that was there - my oldest no where to be found.
I told him to be out by friday (01-17-2014) ... and never come back. He is in the process, but not before he cussed me and told me what a terrible mother I am, etc. He was telling me what he was taking and I could not do anything about it. Then to proceed to tell me he would beat my *** if i tried to stop him. (LOL - really?!?) His dad might be frail, but I am not. I NEVER ever thought he would be like this ... NEVER. I am not scared ... I am not sure if he would try ... I am sure in the near future - he is going to try it, the way he is escalating ...
I want so badly to walk away. Let him and his father have it and battle it all out.
The abuse is just more than I can take anymore. It is from two people now, not just one. I think when it was with just one, it was easier to ignore or "deal" with because i knew there would be a time I could get away when the boys were older.
I have no where to go or no one to help me. No confidence, no self esteem ...... I have no way out.
Best Answer
Hi,
my 11-year old son, who is on the Autism spectrum was raised with a dad who verbally and physically abused me. We have been separated 6 months now. Still my son is verbally abusive toward me and today threatened to hit me with his drum sticks; he would have hit had i not fought him off. He spends part time with dad, who relates to him more as a buddy than a parent and part time with me. I realize I can't take this much more, am very fatigued and depressed about. Does anyone know of a good therapist I could consult.
My son's pattern of problem solving is to resort to aggression and verbal abuse when things don't go his way. I'm told that if it doesn't change he will grow up to become an adult abuser.
my 11-year old son, who is on the Autism spectrum was raised with a dad who verbally and physically abused me. We have been separated 6 months now. Still my son is verbally abusive toward me and today threatened to hit me with his drum sticks; he would have hit had i not fought him off. He spends part time with dad, who relates to him more as a buddy than a parent and part time with me. I realize I can't take this much more, am very fatigued and depressed about. Does anyone know of a good therapist I could consult.
My son's pattern of problem solving is to resort to aggression and verbal abuse when things don't go his way. I'm told that if it doesn't change he will grow up to become an adult abuser.
2 Comments
Hello Kate...I don't know how long ago you posted this, or even if you will ever read this, but I've been where you are...meaning I had an abusive mate who I stayed with for ten years, and when my son was five years old, his father abandoned us. I was 30, with a child to raise alone, recovering from a severely abusive 10 year relationship...but so thankful that the abuse was finally over! Unfortunately, five years later, my son's father resurfaced, and proposed that I take him back. Being much stronger now and having regained my self-esteem, as well as my self respect, I refused to take him back, and that's when I became the enemy in his eyes. My son started spending a great deal of time with his dad, but every time he would come back a little more disrespectful toward me, and this developed into a very clear pattern. My ex was systematically trying to turn my son against me by calling me names in front of him, blaming me for why we couldn't be a family anymore, and relating to him more like a buddy than a parent by letting him stay up till all hours of the night, allowing him to play violent video games, and watch disturbing horror movies (mind you he was 10 or 11 years old at the time). When my son was 12, his dad introduced him to Marijuana and beer, which I wasn't aware of until about a year ago when my son finally began to open up to a counselor about all of the verbal and physical abuse that he had suffered, at the hands of his alcoholic father, when he would speak up in my defense over the past years. He had begun to see him in a different light, and realized why I had refused to take him back because of his abusive nature. With that being said, your ex may be using your son to get back at you and you need to take the necessary precautions to protect yourself...whatever those may be...because even though my son realized the error of his father's ways, and is beginning to take responsibility for his errors in judgment, he continues to fight Marijuana and alcohol addiction, and has been involved in scrapes with the law because of his bad decisions. Abuse, whether verbal or physical, is a vicious cycle that affects its victims in a number of different ways, and can manifest itself in ways you can never imagine. I praise you for distancing yourself from your abuser, but you must take steps to protect your son from the abuser as well. You are his mother and it is your right and your duty to protect your son no matter what. I hope that you will take this advice in the spirit in which it is intended. That is to say I hope to prevent you and your son from future problems that may arise as a result of abuse.
In addition to the previous comments I made, I would also like to address the fact that if your son continues to be under the influence of his abusive father, he will more than likely continue to be abusive toward you, and will most likely become an abusive adult! My son is now eighteen and is bigger than me and has given me cause to be afraid of him at times...especially when he is angry. He has lost his temper and has said and done things to me that I would have never have dreamed possible, and I want to spare you any future heartache by urging you to take action now....while you can...before it becomes too late!
As a side note if the number 39 appears randomly in this post, as did the previous one, I apologize, and don't know why it does...did not type that and not sure why it appears repeatedly in my posts...hopefully it won't in this one, but ignore it if it does.
Thanks and God bless....
As a side note if the number 39 appears randomly in this post, as did the previous one, I apologize, and don't know why it does...did not type that and not sure why it appears repeatedly in my posts...hopefully it won't in this one, but ignore it if it does.
Thanks and God bless....
I think the youngest son is speaking from the perspective of a co dependent individual wanting to support the mother's actions. I think he is a classic "caretaker" and his needs are not being served by his being the protector and supporter.
In my opinion, and with a fair amount of time passing, if you do come back to read this, I would have to say, that regardless of what your youngest says, he needs you to leave. Your husband should have to fight his way back into your lives. Your youngest needs to see that the way to deal with abuse is LEAVE. IF the abuser gets help and proves that he has changed, then revisit communication in a non supervised environment. (marriage counseling). You boy needs to know that first things first, NEVER stay for abuse for any reason. It would be a better teaching moment to show your son that women and children are supported in your country to have peace and freedom, education and rights. before ever having to accept being treated poorly. It would also teach your oldest son, that there are absolutes expected in any relationship. I think people get confused with what unconditional love should be. If a sick person refused to get help, that has to be inexcusable, for everyone's peace and liberty.
Hello RockRose
The issues of his friends passing is a major concern.
I tried everything I could to get him help. Everything. Even the psychologist said he was the most stubborn boy he has ever seen. He refused to talk about anything while in his office. (It was just him and my oldest) That way he could say anything and everything he needed to. But - refused. He said he was fine and was not talking and would not.
He was diagnosed as bipolar. BUT again, refuses to take meds. Again, how I am supposed to make him?
Then a few months ago, told me I was a bad mom because i didnt get him help. (really???) How am i going to win that one?
I love my son, hands down - I would do anything in this world for him.
I did the VERY best I knew how to do in the situation I was given.
For me to leave to give him peace ... i disagree with.
He uses us. My oldest would move him and his girlfriend in - and do like he was. Eating all the food, raising all the bills but would not help pay on them (even though they work). (He takes a 45 minute shower - EVERYDAY ... him and her eat the food till it is gone, then go by them some and do not offer theirs, they run up the phone bill and refuse to make it right (I had it cut off). You do see a pattern here. He is an abuser and likes to use people.
I had to get him & his girlfriend out of the house so my youngest would have food, hot water for shower, and things he needs to live. I have to make sure my youngest does not follow his footsteps ... and him watching his older brother is just validating that. (or a chance of that happening) Which - i am not going to let it happen.
I am sorry, I do not agree here. It almost sounds like you think I take what happened to my son lightly. I do not. I have taken every precaution I know of and tried my hardest to help him. There was many many nights I begged him to get help. Many nights I tried every trick in the book to get him help.
So, I am hoping the response you wrote was not as it sounds and blaming me. Like i said, I have done everything to help him. But there comes a point where he choices and actions are his responsibility. I can only do so much, i can only make him do so much.
God Bless
The issues of his friends passing is a major concern.
I tried everything I could to get him help. Everything. Even the psychologist said he was the most stubborn boy he has ever seen. He refused to talk about anything while in his office. (It was just him and my oldest) That way he could say anything and everything he needed to. But - refused. He said he was fine and was not talking and would not.
He was diagnosed as bipolar. BUT again, refuses to take meds. Again, how I am supposed to make him?
Then a few months ago, told me I was a bad mom because i didnt get him help. (really???) How am i going to win that one?
I love my son, hands down - I would do anything in this world for him.
I did the VERY best I knew how to do in the situation I was given.
For me to leave to give him peace ... i disagree with.
He uses us. My oldest would move him and his girlfriend in - and do like he was. Eating all the food, raising all the bills but would not help pay on them (even though they work). (He takes a 45 minute shower - EVERYDAY ... him and her eat the food till it is gone, then go by them some and do not offer theirs, they run up the phone bill and refuse to make it right (I had it cut off). You do see a pattern here. He is an abuser and likes to use people.
I had to get him & his girlfriend out of the house so my youngest would have food, hot water for shower, and things he needs to live. I have to make sure my youngest does not follow his footsteps ... and him watching his older brother is just validating that. (or a chance of that happening) Which - i am not going to let it happen.
I am sorry, I do not agree here. It almost sounds like you think I take what happened to my son lightly. I do not. I have taken every precaution I know of and tried my hardest to help him. There was many many nights I begged him to get help. Many nights I tried every trick in the book to get him help.
So, I am hoping the response you wrote was not as it sounds and blaming me. Like i said, I have done everything to help him. But there comes a point where he choices and actions are his responsibility. I can only do so much, i can only make him do so much.
God Bless
Thank you :D
I wrote down the name of the book and will get it this weekend.
When I went to my doctor (checkup and get my meds changed some) ...
He told me Ethically he could not tell me what to do, but he said no one would ever blame me for leaving. One person could only handle so much. And - like you stated - not necessarily forever, but long enough to get my self esteem back or confidence so as to fight for myself.
And I agree. I have felt so much better since my meds were changed, and have took a stand on some issues. I do deserve to be treated so much better. As I told my husband, I deserve it and will except nothing less.
We have been looking into counseling ... and the doctor said it may not be able to fix anything, but it could give us some tools for if things need changed and we have to go our own way. Which i liked, there is no pressure to "make it or break it" attitude.
Thank you :D very much
I wrote down the name of the book and will get it this weekend.
When I went to my doctor (checkup and get my meds changed some) ...
He told me Ethically he could not tell me what to do, but he said no one would ever blame me for leaving. One person could only handle so much. And - like you stated - not necessarily forever, but long enough to get my self esteem back or confidence so as to fight for myself.
And I agree. I have felt so much better since my meds were changed, and have took a stand on some issues. I do deserve to be treated so much better. As I told my husband, I deserve it and will except nothing less.
We have been looking into counseling ... and the doctor said it may not be able to fix anything, but it could give us some tools for if things need changed and we have to go our own way. Which i liked, there is no pressure to "make it or break it" attitude.
Thank you :D very much
Thank you for your honesty. It does take alot to have oneself look into the mirror and see that some of this mistakes are mine.
His father and I argued alot. I never really put "abuse" to it till too late. I just figured everyone argued, and I was taught I need to stick it out because of the kid(s). And I did - or tried. I tried leaving a couple times, but with a baby and no one to turn to, it was not a very successful thing for me.
It was not me allowing me (per say) to let him stay in a situation. I was not able to do anything about it. Husband had control of the money. I had no way to change the situation. No where to go, and young with not really knowing what to do about the situation i was in.
I am not working, but I do have skills and actually working on that presently, I could make it. I quit school to take care of my husband and the house / kids / ect. I put my life on hold because of the urgency of the cancer. I could not have done it from a distance though. He has family, but ..... funny how when one gets sick, no one is around to help. I was literally all he had. We lost everything with his sickness. Money is very very hard right now. I am working on getting a job, but - that is really hard. (where i quit school, i have 40,000 in school debts to pay and cannot pay ...)
My youngest actually respects my decision for staying. We have talked. He knew how hard things were for me and told me what a good mom/woman I am for doing what i have done. (He has told me how proud of me he is, and that he hears other people talking about all we have gone through and I have never left husbands side). And with that, people only see parts of my life, no one would ever imagine what all I have gone through. My youngest is the strong one and has seen the things around. He respects me and woman. We are able to talk about everything. I dont see him being an abuser because of him seeing me go through what I have, and at the same time - not to be abused. He is strong and has a strong sense of what he wants or does not want - from the things he has seen here. He makes really good grades, plays sports, helps me around here - a normal life on that aspect.
Since my email on this board, I have made some changes :D
I have had to re-adjust my medicine (i got on an anti-depressant) and I have had a HUGE change. I feel like i can function again.
I made my oldest leave. For me to leave is giving my oldest total control. It was like i told him --- He was calling me names and said how he couldnt stand to be around me ... My response was "Since you cannot stand me ... then you dont need the heat I provide, you do not need the food I provide, nor do you need the shelter that I provide. Leave. I would not want to be where I did not like people around me."
This is MY home. I worked hard to have gotten what I have. I should not have to leave because it inconveniences him to have chores, or pay rent or help where he should. I told my husband, with the abuse he is doing, it is escalating getting to where I am sure within a year he would try to hit my husband (and or me). My husband is now frail with the transplant (it took a tole on his body and not able to handle a fight with anyone - especially a 19 yr old boy). And i agree - if I move out, he and his girlfriend would move right back.
My oldest is spoiled. Plain and simple. His father and I wanted to give him the life we didnt (yep - everyone says that) ... We wanted him to have no reason to not be able to succeed.
With that said ... Hubby agreed to go to counseling. BUT ... I have let him know, if things do not change - i WILL be leaving. I do not have to put up with things anymore. I am too old for it, and at a point in my life where I have a choice ---- and i choose not to anymore.
I have done my very best to get my oldest help. I have done everything possible to do what ever it took to help him. (You can bring a horse to water ---- but cannot make him drink) ... He refuses it. He has been diagnosed being bipolar. But says the meds make him feel terrible.
I have told him I was sorry things were not as they should be. I did the very best with the situation I was given. I am far from perfect. We lost alot when my husband got cancer. My oldest said things were good when we had money. (Hence ... the spoiled comment i made) ... As long as he received, he was great.
I know in my heart I did everything humanly possible to help him. And that is all I can really do.
After our oldest left ... my husband and I had a very serious conversation about our son and how the two of them treat me.
The first thing I brought up is hoping there is no effect on our youngest. I told him that I was not letting that happen, no matter what it will take. If that takes moving him away, i would do it. Husband said no, but i re-assured him i would.
I showed him things on the internet on people just like them.
(When i would say it - it would be nagging/bitching) ... but when he saw that I had a legitimate reason for feeling the way I do - I could see the shame on his face. I think that was the first time he really realized what he had done to me.
I guess my meds have given me a little "kick" i needed ... But, I am trying to take control of my life again. I admit, it scares me to no end to have to start my life over. But, I am at a point where at least I know I have a chance if i need to. And taking care of my youngest ---- he comes first.
Thank you very much for your response.
His father and I argued alot. I never really put "abuse" to it till too late. I just figured everyone argued, and I was taught I need to stick it out because of the kid(s). And I did - or tried. I tried leaving a couple times, but with a baby and no one to turn to, it was not a very successful thing for me.
It was not me allowing me (per say) to let him stay in a situation. I was not able to do anything about it. Husband had control of the money. I had no way to change the situation. No where to go, and young with not really knowing what to do about the situation i was in.
I am not working, but I do have skills and actually working on that presently, I could make it. I quit school to take care of my husband and the house / kids / ect. I put my life on hold because of the urgency of the cancer. I could not have done it from a distance though. He has family, but ..... funny how when one gets sick, no one is around to help. I was literally all he had. We lost everything with his sickness. Money is very very hard right now. I am working on getting a job, but - that is really hard. (where i quit school, i have 40,000 in school debts to pay and cannot pay ...)
My youngest actually respects my decision for staying. We have talked. He knew how hard things were for me and told me what a good mom/woman I am for doing what i have done. (He has told me how proud of me he is, and that he hears other people talking about all we have gone through and I have never left husbands side). And with that, people only see parts of my life, no one would ever imagine what all I have gone through. My youngest is the strong one and has seen the things around. He respects me and woman. We are able to talk about everything. I dont see him being an abuser because of him seeing me go through what I have, and at the same time - not to be abused. He is strong and has a strong sense of what he wants or does not want - from the things he has seen here. He makes really good grades, plays sports, helps me around here - a normal life on that aspect.
Since my email on this board, I have made some changes :D
I have had to re-adjust my medicine (i got on an anti-depressant) and I have had a HUGE change. I feel like i can function again.
I made my oldest leave. For me to leave is giving my oldest total control. It was like i told him --- He was calling me names and said how he couldnt stand to be around me ... My response was "Since you cannot stand me ... then you dont need the heat I provide, you do not need the food I provide, nor do you need the shelter that I provide. Leave. I would not want to be where I did not like people around me."
This is MY home. I worked hard to have gotten what I have. I should not have to leave because it inconveniences him to have chores, or pay rent or help where he should. I told my husband, with the abuse he is doing, it is escalating getting to where I am sure within a year he would try to hit my husband (and or me). My husband is now frail with the transplant (it took a tole on his body and not able to handle a fight with anyone - especially a 19 yr old boy). And i agree - if I move out, he and his girlfriend would move right back.
My oldest is spoiled. Plain and simple. His father and I wanted to give him the life we didnt (yep - everyone says that) ... We wanted him to have no reason to not be able to succeed.
With that said ... Hubby agreed to go to counseling. BUT ... I have let him know, if things do not change - i WILL be leaving. I do not have to put up with things anymore. I am too old for it, and at a point in my life where I have a choice ---- and i choose not to anymore.
I have done my very best to get my oldest help. I have done everything possible to do what ever it took to help him. (You can bring a horse to water ---- but cannot make him drink) ... He refuses it. He has been diagnosed being bipolar. But says the meds make him feel terrible.
I have told him I was sorry things were not as they should be. I did the very best with the situation I was given. I am far from perfect. We lost alot when my husband got cancer. My oldest said things were good when we had money. (Hence ... the spoiled comment i made) ... As long as he received, he was great.
I know in my heart I did everything humanly possible to help him. And that is all I can really do.
After our oldest left ... my husband and I had a very serious conversation about our son and how the two of them treat me.
The first thing I brought up is hoping there is no effect on our youngest. I told him that I was not letting that happen, no matter what it will take. If that takes moving him away, i would do it. Husband said no, but i re-assured him i would.
I showed him things on the internet on people just like them.
(When i would say it - it would be nagging/bitching) ... but when he saw that I had a legitimate reason for feeling the way I do - I could see the shame on his face. I think that was the first time he really realized what he had done to me.
I guess my meds have given me a little "kick" i needed ... But, I am trying to take control of my life again. I admit, it scares me to no end to have to start my life over. But, I am at a point where at least I know I have a chance if i need to. And taking care of my youngest ---- he comes first.
Thank you very much for your response.
Anna, your title and your first statement summarize what you believe your main problem in this situation is. In my opinion - from a distance - that problem isn't even on your list of major concerns. With all the horrific losses your son has suffered in the very recent past it's a wonder he's still alive, literally. That he's turned now to drugs and alcohol and as you say "laziness" is an expected reaction to all the losses he has suffered. That he can get up and put two feet in front of the other is a blessing. So here's how I view the concerns in your life:
1. Your oldest son is at risk for lifelong despair and even suicide. He needs help - maybe in the form of antianxiety meds or antidepressants, I don't know. He needs serious intervention designed to attempt to help him through this, and during this time he needs understanding and a loving home.
2. You and your husband need family counseling. I don't know who started the abuse against who, but you are now in a mutually abusive situation.
3. I think for you to move out, as you suggest, would probably be a good thing at this point and your son could stay there and try to heal. Without you there it's likely it would be a peaceful, supportive and loving home.
1. Your oldest son is at risk for lifelong despair and even suicide. He needs help - maybe in the form of antianxiety meds or antidepressants, I don't know. He needs serious intervention designed to attempt to help him through this, and during this time he needs understanding and a loving home.
2. You and your husband need family counseling. I don't know who started the abuse against who, but you are now in a mutually abusive situation.
3. I think for you to move out, as you suggest, would probably be a good thing at this point and your son could stay there and try to heal. Without you there it's likely it would be a peaceful, supportive and loving home.
Hey sweetie, I am sorry you are going through this. I will tell you something I found out. The world will treat you as you let it. Meaning, you take bull, you will be given bull. With that being said, though times call for tough measures. If I were you, I would physically leave with your youngest child. These grown babies will not know what to do with themselves. This will provide a real wake up call for everyone. Take your self respect back. Also, if you have the time, buy the book. The Greatest Miracle in the world by Og Mandine. This will help you. I am not saying to leave forever, but you must not take this. Life is too short. You and everyone to be loved and respected.
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I got from your post that you may be working. Also, what you didn't say was that you were broke and had no way to leave, or looking for suggestions as to where you can go. I sure hope you have your financial independence, because if your husband is not interested in changing the current dynamic, i think it's incredibly harmful for your youngest son, who still treats women with respect to continue to live among the type of verbal and emotional abuse you're talking about. Knowing what I know of abuse I think you need to leave, bring your youngest and get both of you to therapy to try and practically deal with the residual mess that always happens after allowing abuse to happen (you) or witnessing abuse (your youngest).
The problem I think you're seeing is this. You allowed your eldest son to be raised in a home where the male abuses the female. I feel bad for your son that so much death has occurred in his short life, but many young men do not need the death of friends happen to fall into the role of treating female with no respect. That just comes naturally to a boy whose seen it all their life. I'm so sorry if this makes you feel bad, or my saying it. It is certainly not my intention. But IMO you need to take ownership of that mistake right off the bat. Accept that you failed providing the necessities of life , in this case a respectful home environment. Putting a roof over a child's head is a basic necessity, to be sure. But also is it a requirement to provide proper moral leadership to kids. You have caught this before your second son starts to act out. The reason why i think you need to deal with a therapist is this. When dealing with abuse, a child will either mirror the abuser, or the abused. In other words, without help, even if your youngest has not, or will not mirror his father, he may mirror you, and walk into a relationship where he is abused, worse, yet, seeks out a relationship where he is abused, because that the only model that he's seen.
Thus, your getting out and going to a therapist now, may save your youngest. I disagree that your home will be more peaceful without you. Your son and his girlfriend moving back after you leave, will be just as violent and drunk, and your husband , should he replace you will be just as abusive to another women. NO. The way to help your oldest son, too, is to get to a therapist and look into why you accepted the abuse. Learn how to ask your eldest to forgive you for providing him with his father's poor example.. Tell him some day that you wish more for him than that.
They say that in a plane crash, you must get your own oxygen source before you tend to others. That's where you're at. You need to get well yourself, and catch your youngest before he falls into a rotten relationship himself. The only thing you can do to help your eldest is to be of good example , be understanding that you are accepting responsibility for allowing your boys to witness emotional abuse for a lifetime and you regret it. If you wanted to help your husband when he was sick, you should have done that from a distance. Kids must come first if we want them to have a chance at a good life.
This is long (lol) born from the same set of experiences that you are dealing with. If you need a friend, I would be happy to help to support you.
LIz