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Abuse or Relationship Issues?

Abuse or Relationship Issues?

My boyfriend and I have been togeather for a year. Like any relationship we have had minor issues & disagreements but have always worked them out and in the process our relationship has gotten stronger and is wonderful, until most recently. A months ago I found out I was pregnant, I was taking birth control and it was 100% not planned or desired to have a baby at this point in my life. We decided to keep the baby and make it a positive and happy thing, we are both excited. My boyfriend has been supportive about the baby and we are in the process of buying a house.

So here is the issues: Last month my boyfriend & I were on a weekend get away, he got entirely too drunk at dinner and began acting very rude and loud. I left the restaurant and walked back to the hotel to avoid an embarrassing scene, this sent him into a rage and he came to the hotel room screaming, calling me awful names saying horrible things and it escalated to the point he shoved me on the bed and pushed the back of my neck/head into the mattress.

I left the hotel room for a few hours and came back to him sleeping. It was a horrible fight and it left me heart broken. We discussed what happened the next day and he was extreamly emotional and sorry for what he had done and promised me he would never drink like that or lay hands on me again. Because I'm carring his child and I want our baby to have a mom and dad that are togeather, we've worked it out. I'm now 3 almost 4 months pregnant and I recently discovered some online activity of his that had disturbed me/hurt me deeply. Porn, dating websites (he signed up for but has not used) and a tumblr account where he was liking naked pictures, masturbating videos and inappropriate posts of a girl we both mutually know. Also he also adds a lot of girls on social media and a few other super annoying/disrespectful things that really bug me.

I confronted him about the things I saw and found out, he was sorry but I didn't feel genuine remourse for it and I'm completely devastated by what I saw and I can't get over it. Fast forward two days and we are having our gender reveal party, he had too much to drink and went to sleep in our bed, his phone was going off and I looked, it was the girl who he had been following on tumblr calling him??? I woke him up and asked why she was calling and he got so angry he again choked me out severely for a long time, I hit his face a few times and kicked him only to get him off of me and I left the room and went out to the car. I called his mother to come pick him up and stayed in my car until she arrived.

He was banging on my car window and screaming and crying to let him in and he was sorry. I didn't open the door. My neck was sore and there were faint bruises. We live together and he is SO sorry but I fear it will all happen again in the future under the right circumstances, the physical and the cheating.

Fast forward a week and he's acting like nothing ever happened and he want things to be normal. I can't do that. I need something to help me move past all this. Between the stuff I found online which I consider cheatig and the physical situation I'm drained and unhappy.

We're not sexual any longer (my decision) and I'm confused emotionally....is this something that can be worked out through counseling with a relationship therapist or should I end the relationship??? I love him but I know my judgment is off right now, I need help. I just want what is best for my baby girl and myself.

Aside from these issues our relationship is really great and I love him dearly, he's a great lover and friend (it sound crazy and stupid to say but it makes me so unsure of what is right) I keep wanting to get to a good place again, have our baby and be a happy family.

Am I completely stupid or is it obtainable? Help me do the right and smart thing for all involved!
7 Responses
134578 tn?1517087675
Not attainable.  He's drinking, he promised to stop and did it again to the point of being drunk again after your big baby-related party, he's doing phone stuff with other women, he has physically hurt you twice (have you ever been told that battery is a crime?), he says he will stop and doesn't, booze has a stronger hold on him than you do, and acting like an irresponsible teenager means more to him than being an adult. This is the real person you have. It is not a profile of Prince Charming. All that you have to suggest everything will be all right is your dream that he will be an active participant in being "a happy family" together with you. This is you being enamored of a fantasy, not the real person in your life who you know full well behaves towards you in ways that frankly should have gotten him thrown in jail.  

Trying to create a long-term relationship or marriage only because a baby accidentally got started is not enough, I'm sorry to say. Delightful as it is when a baby comes to a mature couple who have already made a lifelong commitment and worked out how they relate to each other and are very happy with how they relate and interact, those things don't come from the baby. You don't say that before the pregnancy you two were soul mates and knew this was it and you were going to be happy together forever.  You more or less said "We got along and we got pregnant and figured what the heck, let's try it."  Babies are big stressors, and your hopefully ex-boyfriend is showing he caves big time under pressure and probably was never that serious about being monogamous with you even before the pregnancy.  

Sorry, dear, but you run not walk from this guy.  You talk to a lawyer about child support and if your guy wants anything good from you he grows up.  Don't trust his tears and pleas, that is one thing alcoholics are super good at, manipulation.  It's their bread and butter.  

See a counselor if you don't believe me.  Don't be an enabler to this jerk. Every drinker needs his co-dependent, get past that one fast.  Your baby is not deserving of this unreliable guy and you making excuses for him.
3060903 tn?1398568723
As a 56 year old women who had to divorce the same type of man you are describing, i can tell you that what AnnieBrooke has shared with you has hit every point that you seriously need to consider. MORALLY AND ETHICALLY, THE most important point that she has made is that your first priority MUST be to PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER. Unfortunately, this child needs to be protected from the man that you have chosen to have a child with.

I'm now going to change hats, as it were. I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict and when on the street, and in the rooms of AA, I have a lifetime of experience with the person you are describing. This man sounds like an alcoholic. An alcoholic is a person unable and in denial that they have a disease that requires abstinence from all mood altering substances.  Now i'm going to change from saying "alcoholic" to "substance abuser". As a long time recovering alcoholic and addict I can tell you for sure that this man, without treatment (never mind a naive women (you) enabling him to become a Jeckyll and Hyde MONSTER) will need to be monitored with your daughter 24/7 unless he has proven abstinence (rehab, drug testing, alcohol testing etc.) . Addiction is progressive. Of the women that he is seeking out online, a HIGH percentage of them are also alcoholics AND HAVE MORPHED INTO DRUG ABUSERS, ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT. Substance abuse is often the catalyst for women going online and share sexually explicit pics or videos. The cost of drugs spurs them to make these decisions. An randy alcoholic on the move to meet up with these types of ladies, is ripe to become the benefactor of one or more of these ladies. Again, as an alcoholic and drug addict (clean since '99) I've seen this seedy side of life, and I've been the child raised in the home with a man that was uncontrollable. He drank, he beat his wife, he beat his kids, his money never came into the home, he got into a life threatening accident and when my mom went to the hospital in a far away town where he was supposed to be working, she found out that a hooker had been in the car with him. The signs that you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. His usage of alcohol will in all likelihood progress not just to alcoholism, but to drugs, if not already. And when i say drugs, the drugs that women gift to a man to "try" will be crack, heroin, meth, etc. (not weed).

I'm really sorry for how he has hurt you, and i'm sorry if you are feeling distraught for possibly making the decision to have your first child with a man that will continue to progressively become a constant ticking time bomb (without his seeking help). As a mother of a child that i raised for the first few years on my own, I can say that often we, as mothers, are only remotely aware of the importance of the child that lives among us. Some think that they don't see what's going on, that there's time to make the right and final decision, time to take it slow, but the fact is that if you do not remove your daughter, insist on him proving himself to be clean of alcohol and drugs to be in her company unsupervised, it will be YOU that is ultimately responsible for any harm that comes to her.

My advice. Get away from this man. Insist that he goes to a detox, and long term (90 day) substance abuse rehabilitation center that also deals with ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES and proves his sobriety for a year before you would ever consider him as a person you would or could leave your child with. You'll notice i'm not saying you here? As in you and he getting together? IF he cares enough .... to care.... and proves himself with actual time in treatment, and time living with drug testing that will prove to you he's capable of living life without drugs and alcohol, for his child, he would then be a suitable partner for you or anyone else.

Incidentally, When i was forced to leave my son with no visitation, I went to a residential treatment program; got a job (at ford motor company) worked 12 hours shifts 7 days a week while blood /urine testing every second day for over two years. I went from homeless, to doing all this, and buying a car and house before i had my first visitation with my son. In other words, an addict, any addict will 'GO TO ANY LENGTHS TO PROVE THEMSELVES" In AA  it's the culture. IF you hear an addict say "they don't go in for religion" and that's why AA is "not for them" i say bull ___.
It is said up front in aa if you do not believe in God , then please think of it as a higher power, or Good Orderly Direction. (It's amazing how many addicts get away with their loved ones saying that a 12 step program is just not for them while still raising havoc in their homes). Please, don't let your little grow up like I did. Don't let her get used to having a drunk, or wife beater, of child beater in her life for one second.

I remarried to a wonderful man who raised my son as his own.  Please don't stay and be damaged as i was damaged by someone not in control of themselves.

Your daughter most definitely did not sign up for this. And you don't have to. There are good men out there. Whether this man is a good man or not depends on him and how he handles the news. He's an addict that can't say no, even when it means that he "chokes out his girlfriend" even if he doesn't know how disrespectful and telling that he would show up at his first daughter's sex reveal party, drunk and violent be it crying or yelling or hitting or ...

If he has a driver's license, he may already be drinking and driving. Do not hesitate to call police if you ever suspect he is driving intoxicated. The last time i got an impaired charge (that i got away with because of a high prices lawyer) i put a cab into a bus shelter.

PLEASE protect yourself and your girl. Move on from making a hasty choice with Mr. Wrong. Talk to an Addictions Therapist, and find out how to move forward. The fact is that he is the bio dad of your girl. You must learn what there is to know, have back up in the form of an Addictions Therapist so that this guy knows, and his mother and family, that you are NOT NAIVE AND YOU WILL PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER.

As i said, it's sometimes hard to relate to a baby, especially your first baby, and maybe moreso if this baby was unplanned, but do an exercise, and in your minds eye, think about your baby girl at 1 year old 3 years, old, staring school, in middle school, in high school, make her in your mind's eye your very best friend, and most important person in your world, because I ASSURE YOU SHE WILL BE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE. Just as my own 28 year old son is THE most important LOVE ON MY LIFE.  (and believe me, I love my late 2nd husband, and my current husband loads). But still i'll say it, your child is your greatest accomplishment. Do that justice and you'll be okay.

I'm so glad you have Medhelp. I surely sorely miss not having this place to lean on through the trials of my life. But i love this place so much, i stick around and try to help. And if you need to talk, much like most that are regular contributors here like AnnieBrooke is, all you have to do is reach out and you'll never be alone without sound sage advice.

3060903 tn?1398568723
Abuse or Relationship Issues? In short, neither is the cause just an unhappy coincidence to an ADDICTION ISSUE. If you haven't noticed that he had a problem with alcohol in the past, in every alcoholics career comes a first time for violence, but it is never the last. It could be as simple as his being divided about becoming part of a family when he is still wanting to play the field.; still wanting to use mind altering substances. The anger you see could be him fighting the urge or need in this case to settle down, become uber responsible and monogamous.  You should educate yourself, and never look back. If he can't keep up, it's probably best to leave him in your dust. RUN. !!!!! (Don't get sucked in by tears and empty promises. There's a proven way to sobriety. An addict can't make it up on their own . and you'll know if he's seriously got it in him to be ONE OF THE PERCENTAGE that maintains sobriety).
.. because HE WILL (just as I did) seek out a lab that will blood test him every second day for years to prove he's in it to win it.
That's very extreme. I understand that you are far more mature than me but, personally, I believe you took this situation a bit too extremely.
Yes, this is an issue. Yes, she should do what she believes is best for her and her child. But testing him every other day for years is just putting more strain on a relationship and teaching him that he'll never be trusted. Which will just lead to bad behaviour anyway because he's already being punished.
Hi Katherine, I had no problem dropping into a lab for 15 minutes on my lunch break for , yes, over 2 years to regain custody of my son.  It didn't feel like a punishment, i actually really liked having the structure and the reminder that sobriety is something you work for. For me, it was no different than my trip to the gym to get in the exercise program that is suggested that addicts attend. Many people assume that addicts are weak, but i assure you we have a lot of strength that needs direction. In fact, when getting clean and sober, it's a good time to retrain for a better job, or join a church etc. We need to move forward and be proud that we are outdistancing the trouble that our addiction caused us and loved ones. IMO the biggest problem with family of addicts is that they have lowered expectations for the addict....
Better to be busy with higher expectations of life, than the low life they had been living. Lowered expectations... kills. Higher expectations of ones self , the straight parent, and the addict, is KEY. No matter whether the parents ever reconnect romantically or not, it takes EVERY effort to battle addiction in a way that will instill TRUST IN ONES SELF AND IN OTHERS. I also didn't go into a licensed establishment for over two years (still don't); for the longest time i had to drive blocks out of my way to avoid "triggers" of seeing a licensed establishment i used to drink in; nor did i carry money or have access to spare cash for over two years. I planned on not visiting friends that drank for two years., and at the end of two years, just never again bothered to be around drinking at all. When i visit my son and his wife that normally drink, they don't when my husband and myself come for dinner. It's not a big deal to loved ones that care to socialize without alcohol (or drugs) or be near people that are obviously buzzed. In fact, it's quite a refreshing way to live. (not saying that those that have a drink with no negative consequences are not great people, they are, but i can love them from a distance when they're "partying").  I guess it's all a part of growing up to know your limitations and act appropriately. Addicts know addicts, and that's why Alcoholic Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous etc works. We Are experienced and mature when we have found our way to freedom from drugs and alcohol. After all the work we put into our sobriety, we are once again PROUD PEOPLE.
Also attended supervised visits. I had to get over any residual feelings of "poor me" and grasp the idea that an addict is a danger around children, and this was my penance (not punishment) for the very real consequences of my addiction acting out. My child had to see that i was accepting responsibility for my pas regretful actions. In this way, i was able to teach my son that YES< THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES FOR MY ACTIONS. The only thing that was important was that MY SON FELT SAFE. Because i did this, i regained some status in his life.

"The alcoholics and addicts who are not willing to go to any length are the ones who inevitably don’t succeed in staying sober. Lots of people who suffer from addiction have hit bottom and that bottom may give them the willingness to go to any length to change"
The short answer, how can we teach our children there are consequences, when we have none ourselves.?
An addict MUST accept the consequences of their addiction if they are to be of any positive value in their child's life.
Katherine, what you call "punishment" an adult calls consequences and will accept them for the sake of their offspring.
Avatar universal
It is not normal in a relationship to be battered or even be abuse verbally or mentally. A baby creates even more stress in the equation even in normal, healthy, mutually respectful relationships, let alone one involving alcoholic or abusive people. So, you can count on everything escalating coupled with sleepless nights and the physical and mental exhaustion of caring for a newborn.

Is it a healthy environment for a baby to grow up in? - NO.

Will it change? well, as two people grow up, become mature, handle their personality or addiction issues etc., they MAY change, though it is a long and arduous road to becoming normal. Unfortunately, the baby will most likely bear the brunt of all the issues between you two - whether caused by you or your husband.

As pointed out by AnnieBrooke and Nighthawk61 above, the child should be your no.1 responsibility right now. You need to do whatever it takes for you to provide her a happy, healthy environment to grow up in.

Wish you the best!

I agree Swelter, The child should come first by a parent if they are lucky enough to have a parent that puts their CHILD'S experience of this new life first. If this parent is able to look after the child, the addict can then make a choice to do EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO BECOME A PARENT THAT THE CHILD CAN BE PROUD OF - IT IS A PAREN'T LIFE'S WORK TO DO SO..
3060903 tn?1398568723
Incidentally, my father was an alcoholic that hit women and children when he was drinking, then he quit, the physical abuse did not. Although i also became an alcoholic, i never physically abused my family or joined porn of dating sites. It could be that he also has a porn addiction. So this guy is the worst of the worst and it will take HIM a lot of work to get himself right in the head if he's to be good enough to be called or deserve the title "Dad"..... You have more than enough to concern yourself with getting over the PTSD you may have due to the abuse that's already happened, plus physically and financially support your child. I suggest you go to a women's shelter if you have to get away from him. An addict when using and refusing to see how they are hurting those they love are in "denial". People that stay with them get sick with denial themselves. Please, do not make excuses for this man. Raise your expectations for him and yourself and move on. The risk you took having a child with a guy you didn't know enough to actually plan on raising a family with -  has left you with a bad hand. It went sour, and it's not likely to change. He's a liar, about the other women in his life. This is no way for you to live and your daughter will feel the consequences if you do not  hold him accountable. In fact, it's up to you now to not have him get to know the baby until he proves he's worthy of  being a father. I've told you what it takes to get there, as most addicts that are now clean and sober will take the time to do. Now it's your move. You must move on and concentrate only on your daughter. Otherwise i fear you will wasting all your energy on fights and make up sex. NOT what your deserve and not what will make you truly feel good about yourself. My mother stayed with an abusive drunk who got sober and stayed violent. I have more problems with my relationship with my mother than i do with my dad. Why? Because  she wasn't a drunk , what was her excuse for allowing me to live my childhood near someone so untrustworthy. Your child's opinion of you will mean so much more to you than you now realize. Please look at the big picture and understand that you are being tested in your life to do the right thing by this child. Just because he's not capable of being a good dad or partner, don't you follow suite. YOU BE YOU AND SAVE YOUR DAUGHTER FROM GETTING TOO ATTACHED TO THIS SICK PERSON -  YOU KEEP YOURSELF FROM BEING TOO ATTACHED TO THIS SICK PERSON, UNTIL HE DOES WHAT IT TAKES TO GET BETTER. YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOURSELF AND GET TO A BETTER LIFE FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD. YOU'LL BE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS - AND I PERSONALLY HOPE THAT YOU PRIVATE MESSAGE ME IF YOU ARE FEELING LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS IN A WAY THAT WOULD BE MOST BENEFICIAL TO ALL INVOLVED.  It helps to talk to others that are further down the road than you, and have found peace and love and pride and progress .... you can too! I promise you. Liz
Just because he's "wasted" do you be... You can do anything you put your mind to. Including any career you choose, etc. You be the best you , you can. You made the wrong choice for father of your baby, and now you owe it to this child to make up for that, and be everything you can be. That includes being around a source of male companionship that holds you up (not abuses you on a whim). If any of this rings true, PLEASE talk to people that truly care about you. You can hear the real thing , you can trust the real thing.

Making excuses for bad behavior does not mean that he loves you. It just means he appears to have a modicum of conscience. YOU DON'T BEAT OR STRANGLE PEOPLE YOU LOVE. This man does not have the capability of loving himself or anyone else until he get's help. If he get's help, it doesn't mean that he loves you automatically. Many addicts get clean and sober and don't ever go near their partners that they were with when they were using again. In fact, many learn in rehab that going back to them is a "trigger" for them to use again. This is serious business my friend. And you have friends that can help you for real, forever...

Welcome to Medhelp.
ps, please replace "making excuses" for whining and crying and saying sorry over and over again, it has actually been my experience to see violence escalate in a way that can be life changing and i don't mean to the good
remember this game of "love" he's playing for you could have you as baffled as he is with make up sex ; he's proven he's all about being sexually motivated which is why he has other women in his left eye - don't you be part of a bunch of females in his life - you can do better than that for yourself MOST importantly watch the nature channels at mothers teaching their young, if a mother messes with their role of teacher the baby does not survive in the wild - your best life will come when you seriously do right for your child - this guy is not whining about being lazy and not taking the garbage out - this is about other women and physical abuse ; no matter how cute he looks he's a danger to any female that wants a good life .... I know he's cute and maybe your favourite waste of time but he's dangerous to your long term health and the future of your child's security* If you suffer from low expectations as a result of your own childhood please talk to a therapist to help you ie. do you need to "break the cycle of abuse ? and that's why you're considering a lessor life with an addict? If you are motivated by love and not wanting to let him go without trying to "save" him - please talk to professionals about what expectations you need to have if you hope to help him...
* Lessor life with an addict is all about his actions, which you cannot control..
You can, however, learn how to deal with an addict - it takes you walking away and being totally self sufficient. Work what you really may want is to relax in your partnership and the growing of your child ; of course it's most natural to "play house" But... there's no getting around the people near an addict have to handle themselves in a very measured way. This man is forcing you to stand on your own two feet and take 100% total and full responsibility of the life that grows within you. What a jerk? as i said, it's not even that he's a deadbeat necessarily - yet.. but his first inclination is to lewdly watch and perhaps morph into visiting other females.... this is a bad to worse situation, violence unless treated always goes from bad to worse..
Im sorry , youre in a very tricky situation, while he may be sweet while sober, it its those times in between that will ruin your life if you slip into your own state of denial...
You will not be severing ties between father and child; you will simply be assuring your child that you will be the adult that truly has their best interests in mind and it takes more than speculation or lip service. I hope hearing from an adult child of a women that made selfish choices and permanently fouled the only parental relationship i had a chance of having...
(or my 3 siblings, of whom incidentally - 4 out of 4 kids had addiction and violence and denial issues for most of their adult lives.)
kids don't come with a handbook attached, however, you cannot be too careful about the consistency and care that should be their due from the very beginning (in the womb). You could easily lose this child if he chokes you out again. This spirit in your womb is waiting in heaven to be your child here on earth. It's hard when faced with constant worry as to how and when your world will fall apart to really see the bigger picture - just know that mostly, i'm praying you do...
The option is to take this man to task or wait to have a live birth until such a time that he is able to commit to being a good father and a partner you can trust all the time..... Most addicts i know take years and years of the kinds of actions you've been the target of before they get to the point of sobriety and accountability in "all their affairs"

3060903 tn?1398568723
To give you an idea of the kind of work that needs to be done if you stay... I'll include a portion of the Wikepedia entry for "12 STEP PROGRAM"

A twelve-step program is a set of guiding principles outlining a course of action for recovery from addiction, compulsion, or other behavioral problems. Originally proposed by Bill Wilson[1] to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) as a method of recovery from alcoholism,[2] the Twelve Steps were first published in the 1939 book Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How More Than One Hundred Men Have Recovered from Alcoholism.[3] The method was adapted and became the foundation of other twelve-step programs.

As summarized by the American Psychological Association, the process involves the following:[2]

*** admitting that one cannot control one's alcoholism, addiction or compulsion;
***  recognizing a higher power that can give strength;
*** examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (experienced member);
***  making amends for these errors;
***  learning to live a new life with a new code of behavior;
*** helping others who suffer from the same alcoholism, addictions or compulsions.

Twelve-step groups involve 5 million people annually in a variety of addictions and psychological disorders.


This is what you should expect (having formally raising  your expectations of him)  He needs to do this himself, while you need to work on being a good mom and finding a great career option so you can put together a down payment and provide permanent housing for your own little castle for you and your child(ren). You need to be happy to get it done. You don't have to micromanage his recovery - but you should know what steps he needs to hit. ie. getting a "SPONSOR" to assist him to make the right choices. This should NOT be your role. Leave it to people that know the score with the problem. You just need to enjoy your life and make progress while you wait to see whether he's a serious candidate for realizing his role of fatherhood , or not. What you shouldn't do is allow your child to learn how to act from this dude. My father beat his wife, and my brother has been married 3 x - all ending in divorce because he choked and beat his wives. None of them would breed with him because of the impact his personality would have on their children, rightfully so. The cycle of abuse had to be broken.

Anyways, i relate to your problem, and I care.  
3060903 tn?1398568723
I mistakenly said "

To give you an idea of the kind of work that needs to be done if you stay... I'll include a portion of the Wikepedia entry for "12 STEP PROGRAM"

the reality/fact is that because you are pregnant with this man's child, it's JUST AS IMPORTANT  that you understand what help is available TO HIM  (BE EXPECTED) TO ACT UPON AND GET IT DONE so that he can one day POSSIBLY be a suitable AND TRUSTFUL parent to his child. (nothing to do with your relationship) ... the longer you stay and accept poor treatment, the more this man is set up to fail, and have more and more incidents that he will one day have to live down (by living up to what he should do* (a proven recovery program for not just addiction, but all behavioral problems).
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