Abusive father

[Sharayahh]

Does anyone have this similar dynamic with their father?

My dad was inappropriate with me when a teenager, not touching....but leering...comments, wanting to be with me alone, etc........now that Im an adult and live in same city.......it's the same but I thought it would be different.

I have been here two years, and when I first moved here, he continued to make me VERY uncomfortable and always wanting to be with me alone, and sending my extremely sexual emails, and still does.  He is married now but they arent close. I cant wrap my head around why my father, now that he KNOWS I dont view him in a sexual way..(gross) now makes innuendos about how OLD I am and calls me "Klutz" retarded etc and seems angry that he knows I have NO interest. He acts like a "spurned" ex.

Has anyone had this in their life and how can I cut all ties? My health is suffering because of it, and I dont enjoy our occasional "coffee dates" and have limited them to every so often, but I feel sick when Im around him.

Am I the only female with this weird father?

[notordinary]

Really Shelly? Put her in harms way.
Do not do what Shelly said too do.
Go seek professional advice.
What if he snaps when he can't have his way with you.
Please do this,  see a professional.
Ask them what to do.
Do it smart, don't put yourself in that kind of situation..
He is the one with the problem. Why make it your problem.
I'm just saying   Be Smart About It.
Good luck.  

[madz27]

Sorry it was my first time on a forum and I thought it was Sharayahh that I was replying .. My mistake

[margypops]

It isnt my thread I answered on it

[Sharayahh]

All of you are awesome, and I want to thankyou "nighthawk" for such an encouraging message. My aunt has said similar things to me because we have a good relationship, as my Mom died years ago, due to alcoholism.

I would like to believe what you say, and maybe some things will turn out more positively, even if I dont believe it as I go thru this. Dating is more than disappointing and challenging/stressful. I will focus upon the other good parts of my life. I realize that my "view" of the world has been really negative for several years, even before this, so I have work to do!

You all have helped more than you know, Thankyou:)

[dopesickalice]

You must stop seeing him. Like a bad boyfriend or friendship...break it off! My father is demeaning and controlling. Leave him.

[Nighthawk61]

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. My father was abusive and I had to cut him loose, unfortunately i stayed in the relationship long enough for him to backhand my 18 month old son across the face in his high chair in a restaurant.

You know that this relationship is going nowhere, please stop seeing, hearing, caring about this man, it is only wasting your time and keeping you sick. I'm glad that you are going to go back into therapy, to help you deal with this problem once and for all.

Hopefully, one day, you will have a father in law, that will give you the kind of father daughter experience that you need. There are many good older men, that you'll meet in your life that are good men, men that you can be comfortable with.  Maybe volunteering as a driver for hospital visits will help to replace the void your father has left? Please don't let this mar your view of men, while i've been abused by men in the past, i have found a great love that I cherish. I pray the same for you. You asked for others that could relate to this honey, and you didn't get any answers. Your dad, i'm afraid , is a strange bird. The lack of reply to your question about how often this happens, tells you that this type of thing doesn't happen often, and therefore sweetie, you DON"T HAVE TO FEAR ALL MEN. You've learned to read the clues, and the red flags. Go forward and be wary, but allow love to come to you, from friends of all ages and sexes. There are so many good people out there to replace this fraud. THIS DOES NOT DEFINE YOU IN ANY WAY!!! You are a lovely girl with a bright bright future. God Bless you and I'm sure that we'd all love for you to post when you're getting therapy for this problem. You're not alone, my dear girl.

[madz27]

I agree with you all .. You no longer have to consider him as your father..Instead be polite to him as you would meet a stranger .. Try not to meet or talk.. you could try looking through him as if he is unimportant ( A friend of mine gave this advice for psychos  ;)  Be strong and Go on with your life.. Life is short .. try and live your life to the fullest.. Cheers and Good Luck Sweetie

[margypops]

I agree with webbers ..time to cut loose if he makes you so uncomfortable ..

[Webbers]

Speaking from a man's perspective, what he has done and continues to do is wrong and very inappropriate. Now that you are an adult you have the option of cutting him off and not interacting with him at all, which is my recommendation for you since he continues to cause you problems. You should never allow any man, not even your own father, to make you feel this way. You cannot change his behavior but you can change how you choose to react. In this case, truly your best bet is to stay as far away from him as possible. He has no power over you unless you give it to him. It's past the time for you to take it back and never allow him to make you feel this way again.

[Sharayahh]

Wow, yes that's how I feel. Of course it's worse now that Im in same city.

There's soooo much that has gone on the first year and I have shown resistance all the time, and came home with pinched nerves and migraine.

I think it' is because he IS a parent, but everyone just shakes their head or they say that's just creepy.  I put up with his nonsense when 15 and 16 still feel "small" in my adulthood. Whenever ;I come back home I feel sick and very angry the next day....as weird as that is.

Because I have had a rough past month, I am going to see a counsellor again short term.  I am hoping that I can severe all ties and then I wont get stupid/sickening emails and invites for coffee.

I have done well though, as I have put him off for several months. He never asks questions about me, and just smirks and wonders why I wont let myself be in the car with him. I now meet him at a mall or something.

Anyways, I still feel angry that I am absolutely disgusted by him and unfortunately, most men now. I didnt think that would happen, but it has.

This world is very strange. Thankyou again, for validation...it's necessary when you feel alien.

[shelly448]

You poor thing! What an awful situation to be put in! You feel obligated to maintain a relationship with this man because he is your father, yet he treats you not like a daughter, but like a conquest. This is NOT OK! I agree with Margypops  that he should be called out on his behavior. You are an adult now and you have every right to stick up for yourself. Men like this act this way because it makes them feel powerful. If you make firm comments back to him letting him know you won't tolerate his behavior. It will take away his "power." This will most likely tick him off and he may lash out at you with nasty remarks, but understand it is not about you. It is about his need to belittle you whether it be with sexual comments or nasty ones. Don't give in to it. You can politely say "thanks for the coffee" and go about your day. Once he realizes he won't get the validation he needs from you he may eventually tire of it and stop. Dig deep, you have the strength inside you. Show him it's there and that he can't push you down!! You deserve better. Just because he is your father does not mean you should let him be an ***.

[margypops]

I think its better that you do find a forum that deals more with that kind of thing and I agree with Rock Rose, the Relationship forum has good folks will have ideas ...

[Sharayahh]

Thanks muchly, no it's just that I actually had to meet with my father yesterday and I've had a terrible week. I cant be the only person with this problem.

My cousins know, but they live in different towns and have normal fathers.

It's just very isolating. Thanks again.

[RockRose]

Shara,  you sound like the person who wrote the post linked in Annie's message and you've come back looking to see if there might be additional people to read and help.  

This board has pretty limited readership.

You might try posting in "Relationships"?  There are a lot more posters cruising through there.

Best wishes -

[AnnieBrooke]

Check it out, a very similar story.  You might want to send the writer a p.m. to see how she broke away.

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Abuse-Support/Sexually-inappropriate-fathers/show/1841586#post_8509569

[AnnieBrooke]

A woman wrote about this very thing not even a month ago.  I'll see if I can find the post.

[Sharayahh]

That's just it, I think I'm the one that has ticked him off.

I went to a counsellor two years ago, and the man said he definitely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I know my father has many of the attributes, it's just that I still have difficulty understanding the whole thing, and I've never met anyone with this problem.

[margypops]

To be able to stop it I guess you have to tell him you dont like that behavior and would he not be like that..have you ever confronted him with that ? Is there any family member can tick him off ?