Abusive sibling....

[pinkbelle]

My brother is 20 years old and he lives with my mother , who happens to be an alcoholic... my brother has struggled and still is struggling with alchol abuse and substance abuse.. I recently found out through a family friend that he has been hitting my mother.. I appalled, shocked and very outraged.. We grew up in a very abusive home and I tried to shelter my baby brother as much as possible by taking the abuse for him... My mother is scared and she has soo many problems herself.. I told my mom she needs to kick him out before things get worse.. she won't .. he has no other place to go.. but I fear if he stays there something very bad will happen... I have tried to talk to my brother about this and he denies, denies and even gets angry.. Any suggestions?

[margypops]

This has been such an interesting thread with so many facets of abuse, it has given me food for thought and  thats what we do this for to help ourselves and get others input ,thank you to all. I hope pinkbelle that your brother gets some help and your Mom finds some strength to sort it out,and you will protect your daughter I am sure ,  let us know what happens.

[AnnaE]

I am sure that we all understand your conflicting feelings. Your family is in pain and you love your brother, and you care about your mother being hurt. You want them to be OK, but you know they are going to need to work to get out of this, but you wish it could just be over. You wish your pain could be over. You wish you could get love from them, or at least concentrate on your own family. You really deserve that.

[babypooh]

It's okay, honey. Sometimes you need to take extreme measure to protect your family. Perfectly understandable. Good luck. I will pray for you.

[pinkbelle]

thank you ladies... I appreciate each and everyones perspective... I truly do.. I'm torn.. thats the problem.. there is this one side of me that KNOWS he needs help and that I should do whatever it takes to get him that help.. then theres another side of me and god forgive me for saying this but sometimes I just think to myself let him get himself out of this situation .. let my mother handle it .. after all shes 50 years old .. and then theres the third side of me that wins most of the time .. that loves her family even though they are not perfect... and doesn't want to see any of this happen.. wants to believe the best in her mother and brother and wants to have a normal family...

I swore to myself that my daughter would never have to go through ANY of the pain that I did.. I will protect and shield her from this even if it means her not having any contact with either of them until they can get their acts together... I know that may sound extreme but I have seen way to much pain in my short 23 years and I will not let that happen to my daughter...

[teko]

Seems I am forever explaining my self here. When we are young, growing up we tend to pick up the same habits as what we are raised in. Example, is parents smoke. Some of their children may smoke others may not. It does not mean that ALL who are abused will grow up to abuse others. Some may. Not something that is meant across the board but not to be ruled out either. Jeepers guys!

Pinkabelle, please take from this board what you can use and leave the  rest. Most of us have our own way of thinking and keep in mind that that we are just people and most only have opinions to share. I hope truly you find a solution to this problem in your family.

[AnnaE]

I need a second new keyboard. I meant to say that her mother is being hurt (and that her brother needs help, too); it got garbled in one sssentence.

[AnnaE]

I agree with all. Someone had put a comment here that abused people become abusers. I made a response that research shows that other circumstances are likely to influence people to abuse, rather than having been abused. I would never say that abused people become abusers. In the first place, I always review the research on topics like that. I was not talking about "Pinkbelle's" brother.

Anyway, Pinkbelle loves her brother, and the positive point of view, which she needs, is that her brother is not stuck as an abuser for life. I think the alcohol ere, and factors we cannt know, are the problem. Her brother can receive treatment. Perhaps her mother can too. As she reported, these two are not good together right now, and her mother us being here.

We know Pinkbelle is protecting aubree.

It does not concern me who becomes an abuser right now, only in helping in this situation. An that includes help for the twenty year old. I was responding to a statement that is no longer here.

[pinkbelle]

I do agree to some point.. I myself am not an abuser I like you show great empathy towards them.. but in some instances the cycle does repeat itself.. not in all cases though

[margypops]

I would like to say that I saw a lot of abuse when I was a child but I was never abused myself ,in fact no one laid a hand on me when I was a child and in that home,but I did see violence,  I did not become an abuser, quite the reverse I became a person with a huge amount of compassion and Empathy for the abused.So I do not agree with the assumption that people become abusers

[pinkbelle]

no thats ok i beleive you... before I had aubree I was actually studying to become a social worker with a advanced degree in domestic violence so I know how the cycle repeats iteself and so on

[pinkbelle]

hey thanks ladies... my brother has already been to jail once for a dui... and he came out a totally different person well for about 2weeks ... yes my mom has called me when he was throwing one of his fits and I have heard the violence taking palce in the background..  its just so sad.. because my mother had to take a lot of abuse from my father and now from her own son.. sometimes I wish I  had a different family.. hoenstly i am so embarrassed of how they treat one another... not only embarrassed but disgusted... I won't even let my daughter go over to my mothers house.. if she wants to see aubree she comes to my house... and she is NEVER under any circumstances aloud to drive with my daughter in the car with her...

[AnnaE]

I have been admiring your precious Aubree. Her eyes are so beautiful.
If you know that he is hitting her or making her afraid, something has to be done, as the others have said. No one, especially those who are already vulnerable because of age, youth, disability, etc., deserve that.

Her doctor would be a good strt, I agree,You have to be careful of those county people.

You have seen that you have support here. If you are spiritual, you can also pray for everyone.

[AnnaE]

I can share that research shows that children who grow up with violence and neglect, are more likely to become abusers when grown, than children who have been abused.

[babypooh]

I'm so sorry that your family is going through this! I understand your feeling of helplessness with the whole situation. Have you ever seen bruises on your mom? Would you consider calling the cops on  him? I know that it'd be hard on  your  mom to see her child be taken into custody, but it's for her safety! That way, she won't have the guilty feeling that if he left the house or got arrested, that it was her fault because it was someone else that called. I'm so sorry honey that you're all going through this. Try talking to your mom again. He needs to go into rehab for his alcoholism, but it might take getting him arrested to wak up. I wish you luck with everything; you're in my prayers.

[margypops]

Does your Mom say he does abuse her because if he does unless someone interveens it will continue if she says he does, I believe you have to get some help for her, perhaps start with her Doctor, If it is her house she could ask him to leave.if she wont there isnt too much you can do. Good Luck