Bad memories and confusion

[Collegebeauty22]

Well after an amazing day with hanging out with Campus Outreach, I decided to hang with a friend. JD and I have been friends for about a year in a half. We had problems from the beginning. He struggled with sexual stuff that he never told me about and at the time at had very little self respect for myself because of a bunch of bad relationships and such. One day I got very suicidal and he decided to help me and well that brought us close. We thought about dating but didn't. We started spending all of our time together, but soon things started getting out of control with us. He would start kissing me and then his hands would roam and that progressed and then it got to where I would be scared because when I would tell him to stop it would be like he was in his own little world and he just didn't hear me. It terrified me. I just wasn't sure what to do and it got to the point where I thought he was going to rape me because he just didn't seem to hear me when He got going. We thought about dating but decided not to because we knew it would be a bad relationship.  Eventually we stopped hanging with each other. Then he started avoided me even when I was just saying hi and then he got back with his ex-girlfriend.  It hurt me so bad emotionally that I went pretty off the edge shortly after that I went into a mania and it was bad and lasted for the rest of my school semester. We didn't talk to each other again til the summer when he emailed me to apologize for his actions and tell me that he had a problem.  We slowly got our friendship back and he had a girl friend who was keeping him in control. We decided not to hang with each other until we were ready. Well about 2 weeks ago he was like lets hang out and I was like I don't think that's a good idea and I told him that I was scared of what would happen between us alone. For 2 weeks he kept giving me reason why hanging out this time would be okay because nothing would happen. So I finally gave in.

Well at first the hanging out was going well but then he started tickling me and then he started kissing me and it progressed and I couldn't get him to stop but he realized what he was doing and he stopped and it shook me up so bad that I was stuttering when I talked and I honestly didn't know what to do. then he started talking and we talked and started back looking at the videos and he went to hug me and he kissed me again and his hands automatically started roaming again and I jumped up and I almost threwup it was too much for me emotionally and physically...my mood automatically changed and I just couldn't talk he asked me question for like an hour but I just couldn't answer something about the whole situation scared the hell out of me and I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't come and then I just wanted to die.I felt guilty and like a ***** because I just gave up on trying to stop him and let him do stuff to me I wanted to take my pocket knife and split my wrist and just bleed to death and then my emotions went completely numb...I became unresponsive for what had to be an hour or more and then he apologize and said he should have listened to me when I said that it would be a bad idea . Then he hugged me but even when he hugged me he hugged me to long and then his hands started to roam and it brought back bad memories of when I was a child and molested.  This whole situation did...I don't know what to do how to respond to it and I know I hurt his feelings by just not talking to him... I don't know what to do at all for real.. I feel so bad...

I just am not sure how to shake this feeling that I was just re-molested when thats something that happened in my childhood.  He kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn't tell him that he reminded me of my molestor when I was a child...

I don't know what to do... I feel like the whole situation was my fault and I shouldn't have gave in to him coming to hang out in my dorm..

[gator145]

Hello,

As with all relationships it is better to error on the side of caution.......When meeting someone you are not really sure of, try meetimng in a coffee shop or pizza shop etc......Somewhere if the mood changes you will not feel alone.......Personal safety is job 1......... That is the most important thing in all our lives.......If the mood changes then the surroundings can accomodate that as permits........
The one thing that is ever so important is you must at all times feel in control of yourself and what is happening with you......When that diminishes you have to extricate yourself from the situation as quickly as possible.......

When the time is right for you in an extensive relationship, you will be the first to know.....Till then stick by your guns.......

As to your abuse.........That is exactly what that was, abuse...... It was someone taking advantage of you........You did not enjoy it.............It was not plesant at all for you nor wanted.........You are the victim.......... You did nothing to bring it on .....The person that did that was a criminal.......... They always will be..........Their day will come for harming you.........
Prosecuted or not they are a criminal........

Any time you want support just knock and we will be here for you.....Gator

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes I'm a survivor of this as well and it has scarred me for life. Its important that as emotional relationships progress to physical ones just to let guys know and that they must respect this. Before I've had physical relations with women I've explained that my experience as a survivor of child sexual abuse (from a baby sitter, not family members or I wouldn't be posting this) is something they must understand. My current relationship works out fine. But its a matter of mutual respect. But that applies to any relationship. If a guy doesn't respect you just put him out of your life. Someone like that is not worth the time of day in my opinion.

[AnnaE]

I don’t see this as your fault. Sexual abuse survivors tend to get revictimized.
Do not see him again. Seems like there are some feelings you could work on in therapy. You also have many friends and much support on Med Help. As children, we were made to feel guilty about the abuse, we thought that it was our fault. But it was not your fault.  I think this could be coming back to you.-

Take very good care of yourself and be careful who you spend time with. You can work this through, with care and support.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------