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Avatar universal

Behavior Change in Myself

all while risking ridicule, threats, and negativity....im reaching out here

I think i might be abusing my 2 year old daughter, and i think i was using stress, living environment, anger problem, anxiety/depression, or her outrageous and stubborn behavior to excuse my anger problem and lashing out....wrong of me i know, and the epiphany hit me when i ask her to do something last night, and when she said no, as i started walking in that direction (for the first time NOT mad...just to pick up her toys) she ran, hit her but and said "dont spank me" and started crying....maybe everyone else telling me i was a horrible parent and that my short temper was abusive was actually correct, and i blinded myself to it because i saw what amazing and loving behavior i could show too.....

thats where i draw the line.....im a single mom and my ex used to abuse me and im NOT going to let myself do it to my daughter.....i do raise my voice alot, and when she repeatedly tells me no, have been spanking her....when she cusses at me or calls me names i would flick her next to the mouth, and when touching something i assumed she knew better and would pop her on the hand.....

i stayed awake all night crying hoping maybe its not to late for her, and me, to have a positive change....not only do i want the change, but i want it PERMANENT and effective....i need a way to not only quit the yelling and spanking, but effectively discipline her, and reverse whatever negative effects i have had on her mind....i dont want her scared, i dont want her taken away, and i dont want her to hate me later.....i dont want to be "that mom" that ends up bruising her child when she goes overboard one night.....

i was also an alcoholic, but havent had a drop for 3 weeks, and im not tempted to either...it was workplace drinking, and looking back, yes i have been less aggressive, but still WAY out of line and i dont know what to do...
also would like to take away these rushing thoughts of being the worlds worst mother and stop from hating myself
ideas?
8 Responses
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1032715 tn?1315984234
At least you can admit what you are doing is wrong,congratulations on that,most people don't work it out until it's too late and the damage is done.
Your daughter is young and I'm sure if you change your behaviours now there will be minimal damege.
I'm not sure about the US but here in Australia we have classes you can sign up for called "Effective Parenting" these classes teach you strategies and other means of disciplining your children rather than using physical punishment.
Hopefully someone who lives in the US will know if there are the same sort of classes there.
In the meantime just keep your focus on how much you love your daughter,and when your buttons are being pushed count to 10 and try to relax before dealing out discipline.

Good Luck and take care.

Remember our children are precious
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
guess i should have also stated that my ex husband was abusive, and i left him when she was only 1, and she used to have fear of men because of that....and i hate being the person i left
Helpful - 0
535822 tn?1443976780
You say you might be abusing your daughter so I suggest that you immediatly get help for you and her ...I am glad you have come here to tell us and I feel that for the sake of your child you must get help now,.What is good is that you have realised that you are abusing her .please get help ASAP
Helpful - 0
535822 tn?1443976780
PS I would never ridicule , threaten or be negative  ...but I am saying you need help .... whatever label you put on me your post sent a red flag up...
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Avatar universal
the whole reason of posting here was to get help .... obviously..... and i am in theraputic natural methods of counseling because she has a fear of doctors (she used to have seizures) so my family is helping ALOT

and luckily one of my friends just graduated college for child psycology and has a liscense for early childhood development and has agreed to come to the house for therapy....i was just looking for people to give me their views here as well
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
Do you know anyone who you think is a REALLY good mother?  Learn from them,  and emulate them.  I sense from your post (maybe wrong) that your own mother wasn't loving and patient,  or you'd just try to fall back on her teachings and you'd be on your way to change.

I think it's good your friend is willing to help out,  but I still think you need to witness actual patient mothering and learn the "scripts" and behaviors.

Can you join a playgroup or make friends with other moms you think could pattern this for you?  

Watching my sister in law,  for me,  was a STELLAR education for the couple years before we started having babies.  She would never (NEVER) sit on the couch and bark a command at her child,  she'd BE there to say it quietly.  When her toddler had done something outrageous - for example,  throwing a roll at grandma at Thanksgiving dinner,  she'd say "NO ma'am,  we do not do that" and take her to the next room for a quiet discussion about how to respect family at the table so everyone enjoys their meal.  I never heard her raise her voice - although it could get steely - she was never loud.  She was always saying "we" sentences.  "OOh,  we like to do that,  don't we Lindsay".  "Were the kind of family that likes popcorn and football,  aren't we?"  There was a CLEAR feeling of "we",  that the family was a team - they'd never do what other parents do when the child is acting up,  to try to garner sympathy from other adults in the room in front of the child,  as if "my God see what I have to go through with her".    Okay,  in her absence they might joke.  Not in front of her,  ever.  She was the mom,  and this was her beloved although she needs coaching and correction sometimes.  

Best wishes.  I think you're on the right track.
Helpful - 0
757137 tn?1347196453
You might start by setting a good example. If your child curses she gets it from you. If she calls you names it is because you call her names. Think of her as a mirror of your behavior. Whatever you don't like in her you must destroy in yourself. That is stage one.

Stage two is being reasonable in your expectations. She is very young and in an early developmental stage. Give her some leeway.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I read your story and can't help but say to myself, wow that was me. When my son was two years old, I swore he knew better and understood what no meant. I would spank his leg and leave red hand prints on him, then I would justify it to myself and say I was teaching him how to behave. I have seen plenty of kids whose parents allowed them to behave badly in public. I refuse to be one of those parents. One day he did something wrong like drop his juice or spill something and he automatically looked up at me with fear in his eyes. My heart was broken. I had to take a step back and reevaluate my life and what I was doing to my son. I will always have guilt in my heart for what I did to my son when he was so small, however my son is 4 1/2 and I haven't laid a hand in him in for ever. We can't change the pass only the future.
Helpful - 0
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