Best way to deal with mental abuse?

[tschock]

My son's gf is very abusive.
In fact, although my son has never asked her, she has already planned their wedding.
She intends to marry him on February 29th of next year. In some foreign country ( because she knows that I can't fly due to medical reasons...and also knows that I can't afford stuff like that ).
My son says it's not going to happen, but...

She started abusing both my son ( and us ) almost from the start of their relationship.
She was very subtle at first, but now it's getting heated.
My son has 3 younger brothers. He isn't allowed to see them...because she has 3 younger sisters that are more important. Or whatever her reasoning is.
She's a very jealous person, and is the first to admit it. Most of their fights stem from this fact...or actually they stem from his NOT being a jealous person. She gets jealous over every single thing he does, (  or thinks he does ) and then gets very angry at him for not being jealous when she's out for coffee with her ex, etc.
He isn't allowed to stay at my house to visit his brothers.
When he IS allowed to come over to visit,she sends him texts every few minutes, just to make sure he isn't having fun.
Maybe he doesn't actually want to see us...and that's why he allows this crap to happen?
I need to add here, that she IS invited every single time, in hopes that the boys can actually get a chance to visit, and so that her feelings aren't hurt. We've even taken to inviting her dog so that excuse can't be used anymore. We have even sent her formal invitations to BBQs etc...because she blew up at me one time because she wasn't invited to something. I ( wrongly ) assumed that when you ask one half of a couple to come for dinner, that they would both know that they should both come.
I also have to mention that this same girl goes to parties, and travels out of country all the time with her friends...and my son IS expected to stay home while she's gone.  He isn't even allowed to work while she's gone. He HAS to stay home in case she calls.
She's allowed to talk to her ex, but he can't talk to anyone via computer,  even male friends and cousins.
She lives online...and posts crap about my son all the time.
" He's not my boyfriend...he's my girlfriend " and other nasty stuff like that.

He's only allowed crappy jobs ( in places where her friends work ) so that she can keep an eye on him.
The she whines and snivels because he isn't making $20/hour...you can only make $10 at McDonald's.
For the past 4 years  ( since he's been with her { on and off } ) she has not allowed me to see him for his Birthday. Or other holidays.
In a few days, he will be 25. I would like to take him for lunch.
Last year, I tried to make arrangements, and she came up with all sorts of ideas...but at the last minute, she said that they had plans to go to the bar with friends ( and because I'm a non-drinker, she knew I wouldn't want to go )...the next day my son called and asked why I hadn't done anything for him for his Birthday.
I told him that it was because they had gone to the bar...and he said " Mom..we didn't go to the bar...where did you get that idea? As a matter of fact, no one remembered that it was my Birthday, and I sat alone."
I told him that her and I had discussed it just that morning, and that is what she told me.
He left her and came to live with us for a month...before going back to her.

The year before that, I had invited them over for a Birthday dinner. She said NO because they were throwing him a party at her mom's house...but she offered us no invitation.
Turns out there was no party...big surprise there.
I have known this girl since she was a baby. Her mother went to school with my younger brother...she was his best friend growing up...so it's not like we don't know each other...and her mom constantly asks me to go out with her ( although we never have ). There are no hard feelings between the families...as far as I know.
This year, I once again started a war ( inadvertently, and unintentionally ) . I sent a text to my son asking which day I could take him for lunch. That way I could see him ( whether early or late ) for his Birthday. He said I could take him on the 7th, but then added that I should ask his GF to make sure it's okay.( My plan was to take just him ( and his 3 year old brother ) out for lunch...without her knowing.)
At first she was okay. She said that she didn't get off until 1, so that it would have to be a late lunch.
I then suggested supper. She said that " might" be okay. (So I thought that maybe we should stick to the late lunch idea in case she had plans) She said she had no plans, but she wasn't sure yet.
I told her that perhaps we should just stick to the late lunch and then go for a quick shopping trip ( which she loves to do ) to buy him a small gift.
That's when she lost it!!
She asked " Why does he get a gift ?" " Why does he get the day off?"
I guessed that she was insinuating that she never got gifts from me...so I nicely ( cautiously ) reminded her that I cleaned her car for her on her Birthday...( taking me the entire day because she insisted that this, that, and the other thing needed cleaning as well. I'm 45...I have a three year old to chase around...I get tired. But, because I know what it's like to have the world's worst MIL, I decided to keep cleaning her car, just to keep the peace.)
She then went on a rampage stating that my son had asked for the day off. She was furious that it was actually given to him. Especially because she has to work until 1 that day. ( she works for her mom...and normally works until 5 )
She demanded to know why he would ask for the day off when he knew full well that she had to work that day. UGH!!
So now my son is mad at me ( or at least not responding to my texts anymore ) and this has guaranteed that I won't be seeing him any time soon...which is very unfortunate, because ALL 4 of my boys have Birthdays this month...and he will not be able to celebrate with them.
So...my question is this?
How do we STOP being a victim of all this abuse?
I know that I can't tell my son to leave her.
My son's abuse is his own problem.
Do I stop talking to my son? Do I ignore his texts and calls?
IF he wants to be abused, so be it...but how do I prevent my other sons , and myself from feeling the wrath of this girl?
It isn't fair to his brothers at all. They just want to spend time with their big brother...and they KNOW that their big brother sees HER little sisters all the time. In fact they often comment about how her sisters spend the weekends etc at their house...and his brothers ( and I ) have never even seen where they live.

How would the rest of you deal with this?

[Nighthawk61]

It's great to hear from you and with good news.  Thank God for birthday parties. I'm glad your son attended his brother's. He obviously misses them, and you. This is progress, no doubt. Hopefully what's in the air, is his freedom. If that happens, be ready to get him off to college where he can meet other kids, and male mentors. It would be the best place for him. Does he have access to a car, so that he can easily visit if he get's the chance?

[tschock]

Nighthawk is right...his " sperm donor " ( it's what he calls his biological dad ) never spent time with him...he denied his very existence. He left me for my best friend, and then only came back into his life at her insistence ( only because she had decided to tell her other children children about their older half brother )...where he stayed in his life for about a week before leaving again.
His step-dad ( my ex husband ) didn't know how to deal with kids. My oldest was 4 before my ex and I had children together.
My ex still didn't do much with him...esp after HIS biological son came on the scene.
So my eldest never bonded with any men. He was 12 before he started hanging out with other kids..and even then he was too shy to do the things they all did.
He claims he would like to get his grade 12 now ( as his younger brothers have theirs) and I would love to see him do that.
Perhaps that way he'll start to grow up.

Anyway, would LOVE to report that he actually came over for his youngest brother's birthday last week!
I was amazed and astonished. lol
We had a short, but pleasant visit before they left.
It made the other boys very happy to see him, even for that short amount of time.
I think they all had a good talk. Nothing was said to me, but I could feel something in the air. Hopefully the younger ones said the right things to him, and there will be changes made.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm still getting from this a lack of career direction and lack of male supports (that he would get in college, if he made a plan, and chose to open up and make many acquaintances). Still, to get him to the point of making this change, he may need therapeutic support, and if I were you I would lovingly show him the way. Good luck with this one.

[ryanito]

Hello, first of all this made me very mad and i think that shes very stupid am sorry for the word. Your son is a big boy he knows what hes doing but am guessing he really loves her. Take him to see a psychologist for abusive relationships. Thank you and please get that girl out of your house grr

[RockRose]

I have sons that are 23,  22,  and 18 and they wouldn't put up with this out of fear of losing half of their video game collection.

I think there's something going on here that runs really,  really deep.  The girlfriend isn't the real issue - your son's willingness to live like this is the issue,  imho.  

It's also a concern to me that maybe you know a little too much about his day to day life with a girlfriend - some things should be private and not discussed with mom,  in my opinion.

It sounds like you are blaming this girl for these issues,  but in my opinion,  this is hand-in-glove.  They've found each other and they're  pretty good match.

[tschock]

Thanks for all the comments!

My son always talks to me...even through the teen years. We were very open and talked about everything and anything.
All was good until 3 years ago when he started living with her.
They lived at her mom's house...along with her three little sisters.
At first things were good...but after a few months, ( I guess she was "comfortable" about showing her true colors at this point ) things went sideways.
She started to yell at him about his spending habits. She was allowed to buy 3 purses a month...THREE!! But he was not allowed to buy videos, games, etc.
She went out for breakfast, lunch and supper with her mom every single day...but he was expected to cook his own meals at home. She would check his bank account/credit card statements just to make sure that he wasn't eating somewhere else.
I would buy him gift cards for various places, so that she wouldn't know.
After awhile I gave up, bought him some groceries, and left it alone. His gf's mom would give the food to her other kids when they came to visit.
She had part time custody with her ex.
I can't think of anything ( except for the fact that my mom is a control freak...and it's made worse by, or because of, her OCD ) that would affect him now.
He doesn't really talk to my mom though...no one does.
He went through some bouts of depression as a teen...due mostly to a lack of vitamin D. He had a few very close friends growing up, but mostly stuck to himself.
His first encounter with a girl was on line. He was very fond of her, but she lived on the other side of the earth.
His first girlfriend, aside from the internet, turned out to be a lesbian. She was only using him to make some girl jealous and to throw her mom off.
I guess that might contribute to this.
The second girl used him as well. She was in love with their room mate...who she didn't know was gay.
This was also his first time living away from home...and in a big city. My kids were raised in a very small town.
The girl he is with now used him too. When they first got together it was because she was trying to make her ex jealous. Then she decided to keep my son because no one else was interested in her.
She told us this was the case.

As for the bed life? They rarely do anything. At first it was him complaining...now she's the one who wants it, and he refuses.
I know he'll get to a certain point, and he'll leave, and come running home. I'm prepared for this. I have spent the last week cleaning the basement.lol
It's trying to convince him to not go back again that will be the killer.
Right now he's terrified to leave because she has threatened him that she will take half of everything he owns...and when you're 25, your video/game collection is very important to you.
We've all told him to move when she's not home. Call and we'll come and get you. But the last time he tried that she knew...and stayed home.
I think she's forwarding his text messages to her phone. I know this can be done, and she does too.

[jen_ortiz]

Omg ur story sounds just like my cousin n his crazy psycho wife !!!! My whole family thinks she's guna kill my cousin n even when they tried to pull him away from her he's isolated himself from everybody even his own parents so please be careful how u approach the situation cus u don't wanna push him away for good ok

[allmymarbles]

Your son obviously is getting something he wants out of this relationship or he would leave her (and eventually he may). Is it possible you are misreading the situation? Maybe it is he who wants to distance himself from his family. Is  everyone's objection to his partner keeping him away?

What was your son like before he took up with her?

[homer25]

Wow that girl sounds like a freak and is loving the control over your son, also sounds like she enjoys drama which is what she is getting, just don't text or ring, don't do anything, you may not think it but your son may enjoy being in the middle of it all so just ignore

[Nighthawk61]

First of all, I'm so sorry that this type of selfishness is affecting your boy's relationships, and of course, your own. If it were me, I wouldn't stop taking my son's calls or texts. It sounds like he's aware of how unfair his situation is, and you can only hope that he comes to his senses, and when he does he's going to need you be there for him, and not be estranged. There's some reason that your son is allowing himself to be put in this position, some problem with his ability to be assertive, and not passive, while his gf takes the role of dominance, and aggressive behavior. If you can some how figure out any reasons from his childhood that has contributed to his passivity, well, the problem is half solved, imo. So, when your son came home for that month, he really should have been directed to a therapist to figure out why he's accepting this abuse, and how to control his life enough that it doesn't happen again. If nothing changes, nothing changes. I think that there will come a time when he will again, look to you for support, and when he does I think you should be prepared to help him make concrete changes in his expectation of the women in his life. Don't worry Mom, you'll have another chance to get through to him, but you have to be well versed and well prepared to take action. Obviously, he needs to find a job where he is not controlled and watched. He needs to become assertive enough to do that, and the next time he reaches out, help him to see, that even if he does go back, he should at least have an ultimatum of his own expectations and boundaries. I would be looking for a family therapist, that i would go talk to and figure out what my part was in his lack of assertiveness. Maybe you did too much for him growing up? Maybe you made choices for him, when you should have given him a choice? Maybe you were too busy with your younger children to have supported him in finding a college or career of his choice. In this day and age, a young man should have a passion to follow. Without it, life is bleak and may allow unscrupulous friends and lovers to figure too prominently. I can identify my son's weaknesses' to his upbringing. It might help him a great deal to know that you're willing to help him deal with his lack of assertiveness and goal planning. He needs to make a plan to have his family of origin in his life, make his own career goals, McDonald's is not going to make him happy (I doubt) in the long run and he needs someone to be able to talk with him about the big picture. Where does he want to be in 5 years? What are his short and long term goals? Whatever you do, don't walk away from him and make it any easier for this little tramp to destroy any more of what little sense of self he has (your family). Mom, when the going get's tough, the tough get going. Never stop letting your son know that he's missed, and expected to be a living part of your family. You're in my thoughts and prayers, and if you ever need to talk, i'm here. I have a son that's 24. I know how much you love him. My heart goes out to you. xo Liz

[RockRose]

um hm.    I've seen it a couple times where everyone goes why does he put UP with that woman?  And then oh that's why.  ;D

[allmymarbles]

I can think of one case where that is glaringly true.

[RockRose]

Ashley,  that's not rude,  that's reality.  That's why lots of young men stay in relationships with complete loser young women.  

[AshleyLile]

Rock rose you are very rude!!!!

[RockRose]

Sex with her must be out of this world.

[allmymarbles]

Your son is a wiling victim, if we can call it that. Perhaps if she did not bully him, someone else would. Has this always been a trait of his?

[AnnieBrooke]

Your son is an adult and he makes his own choices.  I'm sorry, all you can do is ask him to make a different choice when he feels like it and say you'll be there for him if he does.