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Avatar universal

Boy Friend anger problem

I have a relationship for five month.He loves me a lot. When I'm not do the things he likes and what he is telling ,he is suddenly VERY angry, yelling loudly, swearing and using foul language,but he is saying I'm not leaving you .Two times he touched my neck and got the hand soon.Not squeezing the neck.I love him a lot.but I'm fear about his anger.What shall i do ? please help me
18 Responses
3060903 tn?1398565123
IF he loves you, he would get help for himself, because he would not want to hurt you, but Instead he is blaming you for how you behave when he get's angry. He does not know how to love someone, he is too messed up for that.. Can you understand this?
Avatar universal
have u talked to him about it?
4 Comments
u may love him but if he cant control himself it may be safer for u to distance urself from him
yes i talked with him.he is telling if i can understand him it won't happen.when he get anger he always telling don't come to talk against to him.but I'm also getting anger .we were friends before we start the affair.I told that ,don't do it again then this will be over.he told that he will try to stop that kind of behaviors again and pleased me to listen when he is talking.when he is talking I'm telling something in the middle.then he is getting angry.He said "just let the time for both of us to understand each other and live happily.i can't think a life without you" .
please tell me your opinion regarding this?
he is the only child in his family and he is coming every day to drop me...he also doing a job but he is coming  and also doing things much as he can. still also caring .but I'm not sending replies every time.I'm really disappointing about the thing he did..
he told he will control his anger  thinking of me , and i told don't come near to me after you realize that you can stay without getting anger,he agreed it also.hmm.
973741 tn?1342342773
Oh my goodness.  Honey, this is hard to read.  All abusers have people that rationalize it and put up with it.  NOT faulting you or the partners that live like this---  because it is faulty thinking and a vicious cycle.  But, it is none the less, VERY unhealthy.  Everyone has different sides to them.  Abusers are often very charming, loving and kind and oh so very sorry after they hurt their partner whether verbally, emotionally, sexually or physically.  But they still do it.  

It is so much better to find a partner that has multiple sides like we all do WITHOUT the part of them that makes them cuss out their partner, touch their partners neck or threaten them.  

He can't control this on his own.  He needs therapy.  Anger management training.  This is ingrained in him.  And I promise you that unless he tackles it professionally, he'll end up hurting  you.  

I can not advise you to be with someone like this.  I really can't.  It's like starting a relationship out on the ledge of a mountain that is GOING to break off and take you both down.  This pattern is well known for what is to come.  And your inner voice is screaming at you that you can't do this to yourself.  That's why you are questioning it.  I think you know deep down what is best.  Just hard to do.  But only temporarily.  You will look back on it and be grateful when with a man that you KNOW won't ever consider hurting you.  good luck hon
1 Comments
Thanks for the reply.I want to know about how should i behave to overcome this problem.Only week point of him is this anger.Should i break up this? every men have this kind of things? If i am continuing this tell me the facts to living happy.
Avatar universal
i've never been in a romantic relationship, but some of my friends that have, have had this trouble, or something similar, my suggestions are if;
A. you give him another chance (not a good idea but IF you do):
keep an emergency bag WELL HIDDEN yet EASILY ACESSED at ALL TIMES, so you can GET OUT at a moments notice
B. if you plan to leave him:
PACK ONLY THE ESSENTIALS, get a restraining order, and set a time to pick up the rest of your stuff,

***REMEMBER*** this IS an ABUSIVE relationship, there are plenty of wonderful guys out there just waiting for someone like you, DON'T settle for an *******, that guy needs help, but not any help from you, he needs a THERAPIST, neither of you are in a SAFE OR HEALTHY place, and you never will be if you continue in the relationship.
3060903 tn?1398565123
Your boyfriend has anger management issues.  You are not the reason. No matter what you do, he will find something to be mad at, so that he can release this anger. Again, you are not the cause of the anger. Something happened to him growing up that has made him incapable of acting like a normal person and handling his own frustration like a gentleman. You can not do anything to help him, but tell him to get professional help with a Therapist that will teach him how to live without becoming violent. If you love him, you must try to get him help by forcing him to go into anger management with a therapist.
He may or may not go for it. Again, it has nothing to do with you whether he does or not.

People are supposed to "date" and find out what type of individual they are dating, so that they can feel safe saying that they can spend their life with them. Or not.

Don't think that this is the only man that you have to choose from. Once you let go of this man, another man will come into your focus. and you can date them and see if they are a violent or non violent person.

The world has many violent people. You hear about them on the news. You SHOULD NOT CONTINUE TO DATE A VIOLENT MAN, EVER.  You need to be brave and  be on your own until you find a GOOD MAN.

i'm sorry you are going through this. I did too, when i was younger, but i set him free, and found a man that knew how to handle his frustration in a healthy manner.  I am happy now and my son has a father that is a non violent happy individual. It is my job as a mother to make sure i do not bring children into an unhealthy situation. It's important to take that job very seriously or your children will grow up hating you if you raise them with violence.
3060903 tn?1398565123
Again, there is nothing that you can do, no way for you to "behave" that will stop a violent man. It has nothing to do with how YOU act or how you behave...
Avatar universal
he told me he will control his anger .On that day onward i didn't message him properly.He is telling don't find the answers from the internet and told please try to understand him without finding the answers from others. i had a four year relationship before .So i chat with my friends(boys) while having that relationship.I stopped it because that person didn't understand me.I also having a problem that i want to tell my problems to everyone.Because of this reason he told me if you have any problem tell him don't talk with other boys.They will misunderstand.But he is allow me to talk with my girl friends.When I'm not listening to him and talking in the middle while he is talking he is getting angry.before he is telling bad words he is telling me to stop talking but I'm continuously talking talking.Its my way.then he is starting to scolding me.When he is scolding I'm also starting to say something.As i said before these days I'm not talking to him properly.Yesterday i gt sick when i was working at the office.he send his driver to pick me.i just told thanks.then he sent.He can do anything for me .Only thing he doesn't like is my talking without listening.please tell me what shall i do?
3060903 tn?1398565123
1) A PERSON HAS TO BE ABLE TO THINK ABOUT THE POSITIVE ASPECTS OF CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. and i appreciate the fact that you are willing to be totally honest about your lack of ability to listen to others.  BECAUSE you are aware of this shortcoming, you are ABLE to do something about it, and in the future, it will probably just be something from your past. .

" Constructive Criticism is advice that is useful and intended to help or improve something, often with an offer of possible solutions."

So, i think that you should consider learning how to listen, not to just him, but to anyone that is speaking.

You need to learn to    S S L L O O O W W W   D D O O W W N N N ...
You're thoughts are just moving too fast. ....

You can devise ways to help yourself become a better listener.

For instance, you can go online on Youtube and listen to what people suggest there.

https://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=mcafee&type=C111US0D20151209&p=how+to+become+a+better+listener+youtube

Just off the top of my head, i might suggest that you put a rubber band around your wrist, and when someone starts to talk to you, automatically take your index finger and thumb and pull the rubber band away from your wrist. Don't let go until you have repeated what the person has said, (or a short form of what they've said). so that you know exactly what point they're making to you. When you DO understand what is being said to you, then you can let go of the rubber band.

After you know what's being said, STAY ON TOPIC, AND REPLY TO THE TOPIC THAT THE PERSON IS TALKING ABOUT.

So, if you take this advice, this is you BEING ABLE TO BENEFIT FROM CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM and that's a very admirable trait. (among many of your admirable traits, i'm sure) lol.

There's always a silver lining, you just have to look for it.

I respect that you are saying that there may be reasons why a person may be frustrated when talking to you if you constantly interrupt and go OFF TOPIC. It is GOOD ADVICE THAT YOUR BF IS GIVING TO YOU TO WORK ON BEING MINDFUL.

3060903 tn?1398565123
You might also benefit from something called Mindfulness Meditation.

"Mindfulness meditation is unique in that it is not directed toward getting us to be different from how we already are. Instead, it helps us become aware of what is already true moment by moment. We could say that it teaches us how to be unconditionally present; that is, it helps us be present with whatever is happening, no matter what it is."

Something like this will help you to slow down and be present so that you are more capable of interacting with other adults in the most mature way.

You can also check this out on youtube...  where you have guided sessions of meditation.. it could be fun and very beneficial to you...

https://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=mcafee&type=C111US0D20151209&p=mindfulness+meditation+youtube


3060903 tn?1398565123
So i've talked above about things that you can do for yourself to be a mature women in a relationship. and just be the best you, working on the things that make you the best you...

But now let's talk about what you've said about your boyfriend.

The person i have now)  told me if you have any problem tell him don't talk with other boys.They will misunderstand.But he is allow me to talk with my girl friends.

There may  be something lost in translating, as it sounds like English is not your first language (by the way, your English is wonderful, i doubt i could learn another language as well as you have so i have a lot of respect for you)...

but you say that your boyfriend will "ALLOW" you to talk to girlfriends about your relationship problems. Might i suggest that you use the word "SUGGEST" instead of ALLOW.

You need to stop thinking in terms of your boyfriend scolding you, or allowing you to do something. By the sounds of it, your relationship is much like that of a parent and a child. And that should not be the case. If it is, it might be that you are too young to be in a relationship at all.
It will not  be fulfilling for anyone in parent' child type of relationship.

The fact is that this man is frustrated with you to the point of putting his hands around your neck. That's pretty frustrated and on the b rink of turning into a bad case of physical abuse. It might be that this is the first time that he has ever done anything like this, because he just has never been so frustrated before.

He's asking you not to talk to boys about your problems because you may be taken advantage of sexually or emotionally by doing so. I can't say that i disagree with that. i'm sure that boys do take advantage of young women that tell them how bad their relationship is. and by only talking to female friends, you will not likely be taken advantage of. It might be good advice to talk to your girlfriends and not let boys have the opportunity of taking advantage of you when you're vulnerable,,,

but again, it's hard to get past the fact that this man has put his hands on you.

Fortunately, you're wise enough to be able to take a couple of days off from seeing your boyfriend so you both have time to think about how your relationship is coming along,..

You can take the time that you need to work on yourselves.

He can work on his BEING TRUSTED TO NEVER PUT HIS HANDS ON YOU.

and you can work on MINDFULNESS MEDITATION AND YOUR LISTENING SKILLS.

I think you should tell him that you are taking advice from a women online, and you will continue to do so , because for you in your life, this makes sense.

You can tell him that you understand that boys may try to take advantage of you if you let them see that you are vulnerable (if you believe that )

You can tell him that you will no longer consider his "advice" about talking to boys or not, "allowing " you to do something, but instead will look at his advice as suggestions, and  you will be TRUE TO YOURSELF.

The fact that he sent a driver, when you were sick at work, shows that he cares for you and knows how to care for a person that he loves, when they are sick. And THAT'S A VERY ADMIRABLE AND NECESSARY TRAIT IN A PARTNER AND IN A FATHER FIGURE. You can let him know that you appreciate his sending a driver because it shows that he will be a caring partner if you do stay together. long term.

NOT TALKING ON THE INTERNET IS NOT SOMETHING THAT HE SHOULD BE TELLING YOU TO DO. You are not on a dating site, and for him to tell you not to talk on the internet it sounds like he doesn't want you to know your way around the internet, because of dating sites or unscrupulous men that troll for vulnerable women.

In short, you need to tell him that you can be trusted and he doesn't need to police your every move  because you are an adult that can be trusted.

If he treats you more like an adult, and is truly remorseful for ever touching you r neck (you said he DID NOT APPLY PRESSURE RIGHT?) and you both work on your communication skills together, he might be a possible romantic partner,

but not if he turns out to be a guy that  believes that it is his right to treat his women like children and scold them or physically harm them as a means to control them. If he EVER SHOWS YOU UNCONTROLLED PHYSICAL OR MENTAL ABUSE AGAIN, YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

It might be still that's he's a good guy and just desperately needs to be in a relationship with an older maybe wiser women. (not somebody that he feels the need to change).

So work on yourself because it will allow you to communicate with people better.  

Reading on the internet on sites like this one, helps people in their everyday lives. I'm concerned that he doesn't want you to use the internet.? That should not be his business. You SHOULD BE LEARNING FROM THE INTERNET, THINGS LIKE MEDITATION, YOUTUBE HOW TO LISTEN VIDEOS. ETC.

I would be worried about him saying not to go on the internet. If you had kids, would he not want them to use the internet while learning???? that's a question you should ask him...
3060903 tn?1398565123
If i were you, i would take plenty of time in between seeing this man to live your life, and learn from this relationship. Just be very capable of ending things should you see signs of abuse.

Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me.

He made a mistake once touching your throat. Next time he shows you that type of aggression, you must get rid of him and date someone else.
Make a promise to yourself. Be careful and wise.  

Avatar universal
Yes I'm a Sinhalese. sorry for the mistakes that I'm doing while typing.I'm really upset and my mind is eating like a hell.i want him because he know my weaknesses.he wants me to smile always.but what he did me (touch my neck) .yes he didn't APPLY PRESSURE.He is not telling to go to internet and learn.In this situation he is telling don't tell problems to internet.I'm really fear about his anger not other things.he is not chat with any other girls.he gave his fb pwd too.I lied to him i was vomiting after you touch and i didn't eat even.Then he also didn't eat.He asked me to come to meet a doctor too.Actually I'm really fear of his anger.because sometimes I'm acting like a baby.I'm telling so many unnecessary things.Thats my way.I can control it up to some extend.But if i can't how can my life will be with this hot tempered boy. I told "is it ok to stop this affair" he cried and blame me .Do you want to make him die,he can' t live without me.and told only problem is your not make him feel happy.you do what ever you want and.not listening to him.Thats why he gt upset.But tha only problem for me its a big issue.I'm afraid :(.
Avatar universal
I'm 24 years old.He is 22 years old.but he is matured than me.
Avatar universal
Is it better to stop this relationship because of this.Or shall i continue.My all friends are blaming it my mistake.You are not support him.Actually first month after we start the affair he didn't gt anger,I'm working as a instructor at private campus.one day my boy friend came to pick me .at that time our sir also tell me and my friend to come .so i went with sir some distance and told my bf to come.he came back again to that place to pick me.That day onward he i getting angry.That is the first day.After that i tried to find his earlier relationships he is not talking about those thing.he told he had only one.but after he gave pwd i found two. He told he didn't like to talk those things i jz wanted to say first one.then i got upset .because he is lying regarding his past relationship. when we were friends i told i don't like boys who had relationships.so one day he meet me and told every relationships.again and again i went with those,he didn't blame.when i'm do it every day he gt angry.Thats how it his anger starts.please tell me what shall i do?
Avatar universal
That neck touched day.we went to a function with his friends and girls.I'm too tired that i didn't smile.Then he asked why i told I'm tired.one of his friend told him to drop his girl friend .Not alone.so i told your friends are there to take you a driver.then he explain it.Then i didn't listen and told several things.i told "go men" like that then he told is this the way you talking to your boy friend and touch my neck.This is the whole story.please help me. :(
13167 tn?1327194124
Larshi,  this is complex.  it used to be what is he doing would be considered an "anger problem",  but it's now considered a control problem.  Is he expressing anger like this at anyone besides you?  Guys with "anger problems" pop off at strangers,  can't hold a job because they pop off at their bosses and customers,  get in trouble with the cops for popping off to them,  too.

This guy is using more and more escalating force to control you,  and only you.

It's not anger,  it's control.  He has been raised (or who knows where he got the idea) that he needs to be in control of you and you need to submit to him.

And this will get worse.  And worse.  
Avatar universal
why you are telling he is controlling Rose. he is getting angry with his mother also.if his mother also repeating same thing he is getting anger.but he is not blaming to her like me.Sometimes I'm doing things without thinking then he is telling one day you will get a problem.That is why he is telling don't do this.Do it like this way like that.
13167 tn?1327194124
We have a little bit of a language barrier,  larshi, so maybe I'm not communicating this as well as I could.

Texas Family courts are just recognizing this - and calling the situation you are in as "Domestic violence",  which is defined as controlling behavior between romantic partners. (They don't have to live together for this term to apply)   Usually the man is the perpetrator and the woman the victim,  but not always.

Does he get REALLY angry at things like flat tires,  or someone cutting him off in traffic,  or feeling like he's been dealt with unfairly?  (By that I mean by anyone at all except you).  "He wants me to smile always" is a HUGE red flag for a domestic violence perpetrator.
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