Time heals and I have reseearched extensively about abusers and how to heal and this has helped me. I had endured the abuse for so long I thought I was losing my mind and I was physically sick. There is hope when we take our part in allowing it to happen I've learned. Learing to love ourselves is hard work as well as forgiving ourselves, but IT IS POSSIBLE. Intense therapy helps as well as self care like buying myself things that helped me feel better like epsom salts and a sweet smelling candle with relaxing essential oils. I forgot how to be good to myself. I learnt to start loving myself as much as I loved evryone else in my life. The extent I went to take care of the people I loved and I started to put that same effort into myself. Changing ourselves and our automatic thought process is the hardest thing I've ever had to do ad its an ongoing process but it is possible. Baby steps is key for me as everyone is different just need to find what works for you and growth and acceptance are extremely vital. I hope this helps.
I don't know the answer I'm hoping since this is almost 10 years old that by now you're doing better. I'm only 9 months out of it and just woke up from some horrific nightmares. i feel disgusted
Same! I have tried everything for nightmares and there has been nothing that has worked except self healing over time in a life that is abuse free. I feel your pain! I was telling my mom the other day I wish I could get my two exes and my dad out of my head forever! Sometimes it hurts so much I want to just suck out the "PTSD" in my head and throw it away like toxic waste!!!
20 years divorced from my abusive cheating ex husband. I have nightly night mares of him and his different girlfriends. I was so very sick emotionally by the time he finally left me, yes he left me, that I begged him to stay. I have finally got my life together and may I say a very blessed life I have now but these heart wrenching dreams will not stop. I carry the emotions on into my day. I have tried PTSD medication but it does not work. Any advice?
The rest of my answer didn't post, I was suggesting that you lookup..Narisistic Abuse support groups online. As by your description, it sounds like you have PTSD, a lot like what military vets have from time spent in combat zones. Blessings
Today, as most every day I awoke from a nightmare, it was al lovely, and fun dream, then he showed up. I was married to my abuser for 15 years, have been divorced for 16 and in now married to a very kind man.
When will it stop. I also lost my Mom to cancer 40 years ago, and she, too, is in most of my dreams, but they are not good, she is indifferent and sometimes mean to me.
Why do I still have my Ex-abuser haunting me in my dreams?
i understand you completely. my husband was wonderful at first he did anything just to spend time with me but within the first two years of living to gether i noticed a change. and was stupid to stay for ten years. i spent every holiday alone he would refuse to come i would constently lie to our children that he had to work but kids r smart they soon figured it out. it just hurt so much to see the look in their eye when they new he just didnt wanna be with us. he was to into having fun with his buddies or alone drinking, pott, dealing, fishing but for the kids i kept trying. i began to fight back by telling him what he was doing to everyone and all it did was become my fault because i shouldnt make plans with him he too busy. we started fighting about it alot cause even though i stayed and allowed it im not one to give up but he began throwingme on the floor or in our gravel drive repeatedlyu shoving my head into the ground. this went on for 8 years. i began to not want sex with him cause i was so hurt that he didnt keep his promise to us i left him many times over ten years and always went back from him promising things would change.he became sexually abusive and after awhile i didnt have the power to fight back i just gave up. im in the middle of my divorce now and its really gettting hard. he never wanted anything to do with the birth of our children and never been to a birthday of theirs never. now after this last year has gone by im feeling cheated be him. he wont stop trying to kiss me when we exchange the kids, and will contact me about what im missing out on when he has them and says i can make it all stop if i stop the divorce (we will be a happy family like i and kids were promised in the beginning) some have told me he may stop after the divorce is final but i have serious doubts. why cant he allow us to move on when he never wanted us around
To Stillgrowing Lisa,
When I saw your post, I had to reply. I sooo Understand..and then some..I just had a nightmare last night..my ex trying to kill my violently. I have other scary dreams with him but still cannot understand why I cannot get him out of my dreams.
It took me 16 years to leave, and you're right...it never starts out as bad as it is..it just gets worse over time. My ex was verbally, and emotionally abusive, and in the end sexually abusive. The worst part is I left state with my children to get away from him. He was able to convince the courts because of a state statute, to have the kids live with him.'
I testifed to the abuse of ALL kinds...graffic descritptions, but because I had no medical or police evidence...and he had a really high paid scummy layer, and a huge family that also lied to the judge for him, I lost my temp custody of my kids and they were ordered back to him. Its been just over two years now, and even when my daughter tried to beg the judge to let her come live with me, the judge accused me of "pressuring" her.
My heart is aching. Not only did my ex take my dignity, he robbed me of my children, and they now both hate him for it.
I have a hard time sleeping at night, but being a victim of sexual abuse, and since my ex was addicted to rape porn, I worry every day what is going on in the household. The judge merely told him to "remove all pornagraphic material from home"...talk about a slap on the wrist.
Some days I get so angry at myself, for not calling the cops on him. I cannot stand the sight of him when picking up kids. He is So manipulative and controlling, he will call several times daily while the children are with me.
To make matters worse, he tells the the kids "he controls them now, and they do not get to decide what they want"..like living with me.
I am a perfect Mom, even the ad litem said so...the courts just let me down, because he made himself out to be so great and with so much family support..even thought they are all disfunctioanal..Dui's, arrests, bankruptcies, multiple divorces, alcoholism..etc etc.
Just be glad your ex does not have your children. I feel like I have been robbed of my happiness, because I ran to safety. Luckily, I have a good amount of family here, and am remarried now, but it will be long time before things are ever "wonderful"....or even normal. God Bless you.
Hi there. Well, I'm so glad you got away!! I would speak to your doctor. You may be suffering from PTSD after the trauma this man caused you. Come here any time for support dear. We have a PTSD forum as well as this one and many more. Wishing you lots of luck and commend you for escaping. Peace and luck to you
I just got out of a 12 year emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. He was controlling, manipulative, and broke things in the house while he was yelling at me. He was a pathological liar, but if I caught him in a lie he got mad and turned on me. I am awake right now, at 2:30am m, because I had a nightmare about him again. We have 4 kids, he only has supervised visitation and I have an order of protection against me. In my nightmare he violates the order of protection, harasses me and tries to get me to take him back. When I her scared and beg him to go away he starts yelling at me and getting in my face. These nightmares feel so real because it used to be my reality. Like you, I also loved him when I divorced him. When I wake up from these nightmares I feel terrified and my heart won't stop racing. I want the nightmares to end :0(
Hi. Our mind is an amazing thing. We can subconsciously try to work out things while asleep that are troubling us deep down. Not even aware that you are still thinking about something, your subconscious will go there and try to "work it out". Sometimes we can suffer post traumatic stress syndrome after certain events in our life as well and certainly, escaping a violent and abusive partner could lead to that.
I lost my mother tragically and would love to have wonderful, pleasant dreams about her. I don't. 99 percent of the time they are dreams I do not want---- nightmares really where she is dying again or hates me and has been hiding from me all these years or both. She's been gone for 17 years and I loved that woman so very very much and miss her terribly. It is the great tragidy of my life. That I have dreams like this could be puzzling to some. But I know that I'm troubled by her death and my subconscious brings me back to that. What I do when I have these dreams is to see them as my mind trying to help me rather than hurt me---- to help me work through my subconscious thoughts so that I can be free of the pain. I rarely have the dreams anymore. I switch to happy thoughts when I wake from a bad dream about my mother's dying---- actively go to something else.
I think therapists are really terrific for these sorts of things. Rather than letting your mind subconsciously bring up the issues you still struggle with internally, a therapist can work on them with you to bring clarity sooner.
Maybe your biggest problem is loneliness. You were married for a long time. Seek male companionship.
I came across your thread as I had googled about dreaming of my violent and abusive ex. Seriously, it's every night. We split up almost six years ago!!! He only seems to come back in such a way when I am troubled or upset with something. Annoyingly in the dreams he is always lovely and the man I first met. However, he is not lovely, I have 5 years of mental and physical scars to show that.
I was compelled to write on here as I was quite shocked to read some comments on how long you stayed and suchlike..
Only people or in an abusive situation would ask you that as they could not possibly understand the fear and the emotional drain of being with someone. When my ex had beaten me quite badly, I could not move the next day, not because of the physical bruises but the mental ones. Only someone in this situation will understand this felling. In your mind, you need to get out, you need to go, but you're just too weak.
Equally I am unsure how people link this to sex. It's not. That's just the only thing people think about nowadays and no one has any control or restraint anymore.
I hope you are well and have been able to move on with your life and have found happiness.
I like the way you express yourself. Clear and concise, informative and compassionate.
Anger Management was and is a difficult area. Especially when Repression was the keyword to survival.
I started piling up dirty laundry (whilst waiting for a load to finish) and kicked it round the kitchen floor. I felt frightening at first, knowing how deep-seated my anger was. But Oh the RELIEF !!!
Now I tend to do the cushion-bashing thing. Get a really good swing and smash it down on the bed.
Thank God for privacy.
Wow ! We seem to have hit the nail squarely on the head here !!
I think you have great insight. It's ALWAYS about our own feelings. I too had terrible trust issues. You know the odd thing was that at first I thought it was because I couldn't trust them. But then it dawned on me that it was MYSELF I couldn't trust. I had decided that I exercised such poor judgement in the past, and why should I believe that I knew anything about anything ???
It's a long process isn't it ? But I think I just started to listen to that inner voice who said ..Hang on a minute, that doesn't actually tally with what happened...
It's the hardest thing in the world sometimes to completely change your own Belief System.
Sounds like you have made terrific inroads already. Being AWARE is the first and best way to start healing. Congratulations on using that self-awareness to benefit yourself. I think that is commendable and very very praiseworthy.
Well Done You !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, yes, yes! This is EXACTLY what my recent therapy sessions are about. I have this actual fear that I don't have good judgement when it comes to relationships. I have hard evidence to back that up. But I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want to be secure in the knowledge that I can trust my instincts. I almost feel like I need to prove something to myself. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I'm glad you are making progress, it gives me hope. As for unfinished business...I think I need to confront my ex with the truth, even though he'll never see it. I need to stand up for myself. This will be hard since we share custody of our 12 year old son.
Thanks for your thoughts. I know I've been co-dependent, so I think you are right in a sense. As for loving someone who hurts you, I think a person can, I did. Though I don't recommend it. I am doing counseling, Lord knows it's the only thing that helps.
I too suffered dreams after my abusive marriage. They always went the same way. I would find myself dreaming that we were back together. I cannot adequately describe the fear, agitation and sick feelings that Always resulted from the dreams.
I did some research on dream analysis. And they all said the same thing......
UNFINISHED BUSINESS .....
That really, really p****d me off. I mean how much more could I take of this???
But then I learned that at the very, very bottom lay my fear that I was untrustworthy. I couldn't rely on myself to keep myself SAFE.
Took a long while to work through this. Logic and rational thinking have nothing to do with the Reptilian part of the brain. UNLESS it is brought out into the open. Then you can start to create new ways of thinking.
I hope this helps.....
Are you sure you are not confusing love with co dependency? I am not sure it is possible to love someone who abuses or hurts you, is it? Maybe your identity of yourself is in that time period? I am guessing it is co dependency and you might think about counseling if not already in it. You need to learn a new way of thinking apart from the way you lived for so long. Or you will be in the midst of another relationship just like it if not the same one all over again.
Thanks for the advice ! I'm going to work towards "getting out there". I feel like I'm starting my adult life over again. A hard, yet good thing. I like the sound of "only 41" . Thanks. : )
Sure. Doll your self up and buy a pretty dress. Take a cruise if you can afford it. Gve parties. Goodness, you are only 41. In this day and age you are just a kid.
Thanks for your reply. You may have something there. I don't feel ready to be in a relationship or date yet, but my mind does go there (dating and sex) more and more.... by the way, is there a social scene for middle aged divorced moms? Ha!
Maybe the dreams you are having are based on sex, not love. You probably do not have a partner right now. Join the social scene. Find one.