Dunno if I was abused

[confused50000000]

Hey everyone. I'm 16.I think I've been abused. Not penetrative but I was made to touch the private parts of my abuser. She used to play sick games with me. We'd "cuddle" under the bed and she'd press herself all over me on the name of being affectionate. I even remember a really creepy fantasy she made me enact on the name of playing out "scenarios"
This happened when I was 9/10. Ironically this was the same age where I started masturbating without knowing what it was. Just humping. And again I remember these two incidents but at times I feel like whatever I went through doesn't deserve all the fuss I give it.

I've discovered one thing. I never get wet. I've been in 2 relationships. And the only time I get wet is when they go down or finger me.I'm a virgin. I never get wet even when I'm masturbating. Clitoral stimulation doesn't get me wet even a bit.
Even if this is normal, I've had these weird fantasies of being mistreated. It's not in a healthy way. I almost feel the need to be commanded all the time.
I just want to know why. I also have this freakish tendency of checking where my things are. When I'm outside I check to see if my phone is there in my purse so often. I imagine these terrifying scenarios where my loved ones die. I lose my temper with my mom almost all the time. My family is screwed up too

I really don't know at times if I've been putting names to nothing or I'm just confusing myself. Btw I have to see that abuser girl almost everyday.

I'm just confused.

[Flower280]

Yes - being made to do or watch anything sexual is sexual abuse. If you still have to see your abuser everyday, please report it somehow maybe to the police or to someone you trust especially if recent actions have still be inappropriate whether emotionally, physically and/or sexually. If you feel comfortable is there anyone you can talk to, like a parent, relative, teacher, school counsellor, coach, principal, pastor et cetera?

Your description is very concernimg because it involves sexual abuse and because it sounds as though you are forced to still see your abuser. In addition you are likely still a minor in your country, and while abuse to anyone of any age is absolutely unacceptable minors need more protection. It also needs to be considered whether your abuser has been/is abusing anyone else. If you can find the courage to do so, please tell a trusted adult about this.