Great Post and indeed it could make a big difference in the life of someone or sveral peolple. I have had the experince of uncondtioanlly for giving someone fro many years of hurt their actions caused me. I will speak to the beow scenario that ou quoted in your post.
"How do you forgive parents who put their own needs and egos way ahead of your basic emotional needs as a child? How do you forgive a parent who left you when you were young? "
My mother abused drugs and alcohol from when i was born until I was 14 when my parents divorced. Her addiciton left her unable top function as a mother to myself and my four other siblings. SHe went to rehab and she got cleanand has staed calen for 38 years. She is very active in AA and credits them with saving her life. I ruly believe this to be the case.
The last time that I saw my mother was 14. Ata ge 43 I decided to unconditionally forgive her for the mistakes and misdeeds in her past. Prior to this I was not unable to tlak to my wife about my mother as the memories were far too painful to revisit.
I wrote my mother along letter letting her knwo that I have decided to un conditionally fro give her. I also let my faimily mbers know as well so they would notbe blindsided. Months after this I had her come and visit me and my famiuly for four days. We reamin in contact to this day.
The one ground rule I had is that we can't revist the past as this was to be a fresh start. I felt so much bettter after frogiving her unconditionally. One must be ready to bury the past forever in order for this approach to work. The person being forgiven has to agree to not revisit the past as well or it will not work, at least not for me.
Once I uncondtionally forgave my mother I felt a tremendous sense of relief as I felt free of all of tha baggage that I had been carrying around with me all of my life. I have a clear consious about everything. None of my other siblings have elected to ake this approach although one of my sister's tried to but she was not ready and it did not work for her.
Unconditioannly forgiving someone and truly meaning it is the greatest gift that you can give someone. It helps the person doing the acts of forgiviness as well.
To not forgive others you give them power over you and you take the power away from Jesus to deal with them by being an obstacle in his path. It is a choice to forgive or not. By choosing not, you choose to continue to give those that hurt you power over you. IMO
I have forgiven my brother,not for him but for me he doesn't know I have forgiven him and I still choose to have nothing to do with him,but I have been able to move on with my life by forgiving and giving the ownership of what he did to me back to him.I don't have to even think about the abuse anymore it is a non-event in my life now,I live for me and my wellbeing not for something that happened 41 years ago.Because I chose to forgive him he can't hurt me or rule my life any more.I'm truly free of him.
Sorry, fellas, I do not believe in forgiveness. Nothing anyone does can be undone. So I don't forgive. I turn my back and walk away.
I dont forget either, but in order for me to go forward, I do forgive, but they dont get the chance to do it again either.
You voice the Christian ethos. Most of the world is not Christian. The Moslems (and, no, I am not Moslem), for instance, do not believe you can wipe the slate clean. What they do espouse is doing good works to counterbalance the evil.
Nor do I accept that if you do not forgive, the culprit has power over you. That is something one hears over and over again, but what is the rationale? Obsessing over a wrong, however, does give power to the wrongdoer. So I say walk away and forget about him or her. (Unless you can wreak revenge - a delicious opportunity not to be missed.)
I understand where you come from. But for me, If I had not learned the art of forgiveness, I would either be in a looney bin, or would have already killed someone. So for me forgiveness is what kept me from going there. The heart does not have room for all that anger and hatred without taking it out on your body mentally and physically. IMO It really doesnt hurt the other person anyway, just the one carrying it.
Anger, like grief, is cleansing and cathartic. To suppress these emotions, or philosophically sidetrack them, merely leaves them to smolder. When five school friends of my two older children died in a plane crash, along with their parents, I did not get them a grief counselor (whatever that is), I took them to the funeral.
My reason for forgiving was not due to a christian ethos,it was to help me learn that what happened to me as a child didn't matter any more in the big scheme of things.maybe there is another word for forgiveness,your not forgiving the abuse that happened but you are moving on with your life,my counsellor is my life coach that is helping me live the best life I can,only a small portion of our time actually dealt with the abuse to teach me not to dwell on it,and how to live a life drug and alcohol free.
I went through the anger,the hate,and wanting to kill him,I even thought about paying someone because I knew I couldn't do it myself,but in the end I realised moving forward was more important.
I guess one's method of handling bad situations has to due with temperament and perception. At a wedding reception I ran across someone I had not seen since childhood. He was the family dentist. I was always uncomfortable going to him because, when I was in the chair, he would lean against me and something hard would rub against my arm. I didn't know what was happening but I knew it was "strange." I had the pleasure of addressing him years later at the wedding, in a loud voice, "Oh, yes, I remember you. You were that pervy old guy who rubbed up against young girls." He beat a quick retreat and I had a good laugh. Sorry, naria, but I really enjoyed his humiliation. Give me the Old Testament any day.
Sometimes I wish I had the gumption to say what I thought,I'd love to have been there to see his face.Very Funny
That is more or less what I meant about temperament. Some people are shy and gentle and the hurt goes deep. Others are up-front and gutsy and bounce back like rubber balls.
How do I Forgive my Borther in law for neglecting my Sister My not allowing her to get medical treatment for cancer? He also isolated her from family and is very overbearing and would not let me or MY Sisters Or Mother see her at all before she died. His reasoning is because he had phone number changed and we could not call so I begged him on facebook to get her medical help and get her in Hospital. He said I ruined his Familys name. But I was begging for mY sisters Life. He took out of Hospital after we had cops make him get her there. But By then she was too weak and he got her sign over papers to leave Hospital against their recommendations and he was suppose to bring her back and never did> The Nurse he said he hired was Hospice and found out was not. He was having and affair with this nurse> It's very gruesome how she suffered and we have been told in Illinois once spouse has control family can do nothing. This is very hard on me and My Mom. My other Sisters refuse to talk about it. Our two brothers were the only ones allowed to see her before she died. Now awful things are going on. She still has two teen daughters left and they are becoming like his mentality and its ugly and very hurtful. My brothers would never stand up to him. But Myself, Mother and two sisters would have fought to get her too treatment had we ever been told or known.