So I need to talk to someone about this. From what I've read on the internet the things that I've done in my childhood are normal and I shouldn't blame myself for them. However, my OCD and anxiety wont allow myself to forgive myself.
Let me start when I was young. Around 5 or 6 years old, my older cousin of about 9 or 10 years old, started doing sexual things with me. There was never oral or intercourse (thank god), but as a 5 year old, I had no clue about stuff like this, while she obviously did. I don't want to say she molested me because she was a kid herself and she didn't know any better and was acting on the things she saw( or god forbid, done to her.) but I was obviously at the age where I was easily impressionable and went along with what she said to do. And sometimes I do feel like I was molested. At first I was nervous and scared at times and felt uncomfortable, but I also enjoyed some of the play (which usually involved kissing and boob touching, and feel gross for enjoying). She also touched my penis once when I didn't want her too. This stopped after a short time (she got caught trying to show me her boob) and I got over it. However, the effects didn't materialize until later(my anxiety and OCD). Again, I don't want blame her, but I do believe I was taken advantage of.
This jump started my sexuality way earlier than it should have, and Im ashamed for participating in those acts. I was also attracted to older guys at my age after that, and even tried to peak at older men in my family. As a kid, I would try to peak at my uncle's privates (never touched) while he slept. I feel horrible for this. When I was 9-11, I started experimenting with my male cousin who is a year older. We did the typical stuff boys do(masturbate together (a lot), find our parents porn stash, measure dicks, etc. All of this was fine, except for one or two things. Because we experimented together, I got curious one day at a sleep over, and licked his penis while he slept once. I thought this was okay because we did other things together and this is what cousins are supposed to do. I also touched his butt. I felt guilty, but we continued to experiment over the next two years, and then we stopped. During one the experiments, my male cousin put his finger in his dogs vagina and tried to get me to do it, but I said no.
Any way, I've never done anything like that with a male cousin or female cousin or family member ever again like that (all this happened when I was a young kid), and I feel like an upstanding citizen. Its just those things that I did with and to my male cousin makes me feel extremely guilty. I know it has something to do with being taken advantage of as 5 year-old, but I just blame myself for being disgusting. What do you think? Please give uplifting feedback.