Help Me Help a Friend

[Shunda222]

I have a friend who I haven't talked to in 3 months call me today she said she hadnt talk to me because her boyfriend broke her phone and that now he's in jail but the story just dont add up to why I haven't spoken to her in so long but her boyfriend is very nice when he's sober. He's alcoholic an occasional coke snorter & he pops pills at one point he even had her poppin pills & to be honest I thought he'd turned her into a drugy when we wasnt talkin b/c she was just M.I.A. but im really worried about her and I don't know what to say to her without pushing her away or making her feel even worse here's what she told me today...

4 nights ago while she was sleeping her boyfriend stole her car and went out and got drunk and high he wrecked it & left it on the side of the road she said the next morning he came into the house still sloppy drunk and high out of his mind she said she asked him where her car was and he told her it was inpound she said they then got into a huge argument and he jumped on her and choked her she said she grabbed her phone and was trying to call her parents then he took the phone and broke it she then went to a neighbors house to use their phone she said he followed her into the neighbor's house and was knocking their pictures off the wall the neighbor asked him to leave and he did she said he returned back to the neighbors house with his gun &was yellin if you let her use your phone I'm going to shoot her in the face they wouldn't open the door so he started shooting at the door the neighbors called the police and he was arrested on multiple charges and on top of all of it her 3 year old son was with her..her family his family and I have told her that she needs to leave him because he threatens that when he gets out of jail he's going to kill her but she continues to stay at the apartment that they share and said that she's not afraid of him I tell her that she's being crazy and that she has a son to worry about but she has sent her son to her mother and she continue to stay at the apartment they share she also said that she plans on going to visit him in jail Sunday and that if he refuse to see her that she's going to be hurt she said that she wants to still be with him because it's hard to go from being with somebody everyday and then not being with them at all and to my understanding this isn't the first time that this has happened she says when he gets high & drunk he turns into another person that he has hit her and pulled his gun out on her before she said he spends all the money on drugs and alcohol and she be the 1 having to get the bills together herself I really don't know what to say to her because it's like she knows better but she just don't want to leave she's 1 of my best friends and I don't know what I would do if something horrible happened to her and at the rate they're going I believe something will do anybody have any advice on what I should do or what I should say to her I was in a verbal abusive relationship once but it only took him 1 time to hit me and I left but some people are stronger than others she said that his mother was abused by his father years ago but he has changed and she believed that him and her will be the same 1 day and I tried to explain to her that people are different but she's just being so naive anyone have any advice...???

[specialmom]

I agree.  When very serious issues are involved, we can listen but should not play therapist for our friends.  Because truth is, we aren't and we could make what turns out to be a huge mistake with what we say.  We also can not take on other's problems when they are unwilling to deal with them themselves.  peace

[SisterNewSong]

Oh my, I'm glad he hasn't killed anyone slinging that gun around....yet. I'm glad grandma's got the kid. This is way to serious to mess around with. A professional should be involved. I don't think it's safe for you to try to be her counselor or advisor because the man who is WAVING HIS GUN AROUND DRUNK THREATENING HER COULD TURN ON YOU!!! You need to think about your own safety. Talk to the authorities.

[stre]

No.you need to keep reaching out to her until she accepts your help i was in the same situation and  it was bwd for a very very long time. About 3 years because no one reached out to me. In situations like this with psycho men things get dangerous very fast so it is hard sometimes for a woman to reach for example my guy was so crazy he wouldnt let me out of his sight. Never let me have alone time and checked my messages several times a day. Violent guys do way more behind closed doorsnyour friend isn't telling you everything she's frightened because something makes her feel so stuck and unsafe that she is adapting through silence to the abuse. If she and him are always together and always alone she is fearing for her life and is afraid to leave she thinks he'll find her if she leaves and hurt her when he does or drag her back with him. Dont give up your friend she is under a lot of pressure just ask her what time can you talk you know when he's not around she'll safer talking when he's not near and she'll feel support from you and start thinking about her situation more logically.

[Nighthawk61]

Your friend's life has become unmanageable and she needs to reach out for help. She needs to look at her own life, and ask herself why she is co dependent, and deal with that with a therapist. She desperately needs to go to Alanon, so that she can live her own life, even while staying with this abuser.  She probably wants to help him, and you can approach the conversation that you have with her, as to definite things that she can do to help him, but first she must make herself strong. The fact is, that in her own therapy she will be advised to let him go, for his own good. That her enabling him is actually to his detriment, but you don't need to tell her that bottom line. You can support her to get into therapy and Alanon, in order to "help" her partner, initially, and she may just go "for his sake" if not her own. You sound like you need to understand the basics of the program yourself. Like, the Serenity Prayer, for instance. God , Grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot Change, The Courage to Change the Things I Can, and the Wisdom to Know the Difference. You must learn when it is health for you to "Let Go, and Let God" so that this unhealthiness doesn't consume you. I pray your friend isn't pregnant also. Please let us know how things are going and if you need to talk, please feel free to message me. I've gone through this type of abuse, unfortunately, and I sympathize with you. LIz

[Shunda222]

Thanks alot..really helpful suggestions..i'll try my best to get her to a therapist & this morning see confessed to me that she might be pregnant I pray to the lord she isn't b/c her mother has taken her son away & refuses to give him back until she leaves but its like she dont even care she's just worried about the guy so sad smh but again thanks for you help..

[specialmom]

Hi there.  It is really hard to watch people we care about make absolute messes of their lives.  She has by attaching herself to this man and this situation.  

Really not much you can do.  Encourage her to seek help for HERSELF.  I'd ask her to see a therapist because the majority of healthy thinking people see dysfunctional situations and walk away.  Something inside her keeps her there.  something very unhealthy.  She is codependent and yes, may have her own issues with addiction, using and depression.  

You can only encourage her to help herself and that you will be there if she needs you to help.  (such as a night or two stay at your place while she finds somewhere to live, a ride to an Al Anon meeting, help finding a psychologist which she desperately needs to examine why she is living this life).  But other than that, your hands are tied.  I would not become her talking person about this as it is very frustrating.  IF she is unwilling to make any changes and lives in denial that this is an okay relationship to tie herself to------  it is sad.  Very isolating for her and you can be there in other ways.  Offer to pick her up and take her to lunch.  Chat about 'other' things.  

But people do have to save themselves.  You can have one really good discussion with her about all of this and at that time offer her ideas----  go to a therapist, go to a clinic to be treated for depression, if she is using go to an AA meeting, if it is just her boyfriend using, go to an al anon meeting, etc.  But she has to make the decision that this lifestyle isn't going to work for her and walk away.  THAT is why she wasn't in contact.  Deep down she knows that the life she is living is a mess and she is ashamed and embarressed.  That is how addicts keep their partners isolated.  The shame of their life.  She has nothing to be ashamed of but does need to dig deep and get herself out of it.  good luck