Help for Emotional Abuse

[Scarlettegirl]

I'm not sure if anyone can help me but I just need an outsider's perspective right now. I'm 21 and my fiance is 28 we've been living together for 2 years and have a 3 month old daughter. I've been feeling for a long time that our relationship isn't how it should be. I get put down, made to feel like nothing. He is very jealous and doesn't allow me to be friends with men. He is afraid for me to return to work because he doesn't want me to be able to see other guys or " forget about him" . He often asks me  " you love the baby more than me don't you?"  To me this is an unfathomable question. Anyone I know who has children understands you love your child more than anything or anyone. Before I had the baby we lived in an apartment that I paid for and that I paid for everything in and he lived there for free. Then after I got pregnant we moved closer to my parents and into a house. I quit my job when I was 7 months pregnant and my parents have really been paying our way until he found a new job. So now he works and I haven't since I had our baby( my parents pay our bills and pay for HIS gas money and everything we need)  and yet he still comes home and asks me what I've done all day. Taking care of a baby is no excuse because to him it isn't hard. He says if you want to get something done just put her down and if she cries let her cry. He also yells loudly at her to " shut up"  when she cries, flicks her feet, and blows in her mouth. and he has elbowed her car seat, jarring it because he wanted her to stop crying in the car. He told me repeatedly when she was born that she was ugly and he "joked" about her not being his. In the hospital he said I was doing everything wrong, tried to take her out of the room to the nursery against my wishes so "he could get some sleep". I had to cry and scream to keep my baby with me. He won't change diapers and he won't even hold her or help me in anyway. I'm expected to do all the laundry and cleaning and to even have sexual relations if i don't want to. He will  get angry if I say no so I've just started doing it so he'll leave me alone. He asks for money all the time because most of his paycheck goes to back child support for his 2 other children that he hid from me at first. His ex wife left him after 2 years as well... all of this I learned too late to help me. He basically lives off me and my parents and treats me like I'm good for nothing.  I don't see my friends as often anymore. There are so many things I could tell you about but I just need someone to tell me that this isn't how it's supposed to be. I keep thinking that all people fight so I just need to stick it out until it gets better.  He's not always a mean guy that's why this is hard. He can be so sweet after being so mean and It makes me want to forgive him. I'm just worried I've lost myself and I'm worried about my daughter.  The house we live in my parents owned and gave to ME everything thing here is mine. So I could tell him to leave. But I wish sometimes that I was the one who could leave because it would be easier. I need advice please.

[Kera109]

Princy that was the worst advice you could have ever given this poor girl. Don't leave him and try to change him??? No.

Honey, please believe me when I say it will only get worsens it sounds like you have great parents. They are willing to already financially help so much, can you take your baby and go home for awhile to start things over? It's NOT ok to treat you ANY of those ways. Yelling at the baby to shut up, asking if you love the baby more?? He sounds like an insecure little baby. This guy is ok with your parents doing HIS job. And instead of being grateful, is abusing you. Making you feel bad about not having sex, all of this, it's all leading to what eventually gets a lot worse.

I think you know in your heart you and your baby deserve much more.

[Nighthawk61]

I hope you have the strength to get this guy out of the house, we are far too evolved to be staying with a man (for whatever reason) that makes our skin crawl and stands in the way of our career. This is all on him, not you. Whether he does what it takes to change, is not your responsibility , but his.

Please don't feel sorry for him enough to throw away your prospects for being a great mom and enjoying a wonderful career. You have everything going for you, (without him). I'm sorry :( it's always hard to have to give up on something you thought you wanted but you'll have learned from this, and not make the same mistakes with concern to a partner's potential. Hey, we're all only human. Forgive yourself for not knowing earlier, and move on. You have a wonderful child to make up for all the pain. I can't wait to hear you moving on up. Liz

[IrishSwag93]

Kick him out when your parents can be their with you & have your daughter stay with a babysitter for a few hours that day when you tell him he has too leave & be prepared to call the police if things get out of hand <3 good luck

[allmymarbles]

I haven't read the other posts because the situation seems very clear. This joker has not been useful for anything except providing sperm. He is no good as a "husband," no good as a father, no good as a provider, and no good as a lover. To sum it up, he is worthless. What I don't understand, even more than your putting up with him, is your parents putting up with him.

Say sayonara and find yourself a real man.

[17mthssober275]

Sorry you are going through this abuse. I understand how you feel, you know you are being treated badly at times and want to keep your family together, but you know you maybe shouldn't let him stay. First protect your financial situation, if the house is in your name, get a contract that he has no claim. Your parents are wonderful helping and being great grandparents. You are very blessed having them. They don't believe you should keep the fiancé you stated, probably they are right. Our parents seem to know don't they. I also understand you not wanting to raise your child in a bad situation, because you want a stable life for her. Do not put up with his bad behaviour though especially watch him with your child. That is not acceptable what he has done with the baby. Tell him specifically what you told us and tell him what you want , and how you want things to be for your family and of course he needs to be financially stable. You are right on the level with perfectly normal wants and needs and your concerns are valid. I would ask him to go for counselling, for help to remedy everything, then you go from there. He may say no. Write back after you talk to him and we can help you from there.
Wishing you the very best,
Judy

[princy100]

I feel sorry for you in this small age handling such situation. Don't give up like his ex.. try to change him and don't leave him.. take him to some counselling or psychiatrist so that they can change their mind medically and you try to care him little so that he might change completely.sit with him and explain your situation about and tell him that you behave so which is hurting me.. so ask him itself the solution.. for the very first time you both will have fights but when keep on asking him he might think of you and feelings.

[Scarlettegirl]

Thank you for replying, His family is not very involved in the baby's life. He has an ex wife with 2 other kids whom he has 0 custody over and they live states away. He rarely sees them and usually only his son. I guess his ex saw his true colors and moved on and I can only hope to do the same. I feel bad about doing it ... I wish I could fix it.  He has taken anger management and been in marriage counseling before ( it has obviously had no effect). I'm afraid he just can't change.  The only good news really is that my parents live only a few houses down from us and they are extremely involved with her and I. I could always stay with them while he packs and leaves.  And yes I do want to work. I have a culinary arts degree and I am a chef. I quit my job in Pittsburgh working at a Hilton hotel when I was 7 months pregnant. He badgers me to get a job but at the same time tells me he thinks I'll cheat and flirt. So he wants me to be at home  " where he knows where I am"  
    I am afraid of being alone also but not as much as I am afraid to continue this relationship. I don't want my daughter to grow up with fighting parents. I know he loves her but it seems conditional.. only when she's "good"  and that isn't right or safe.  I don't know where to start... I am constantly pretending or keeping up a facade of " love"  on the inside though kissing him makes me skin crawl.  How do I tell him I want him to leave?  Is it really that simple?  My parents and I have talked about this but it still doesn't seem easy.

[Nighthawk61]

Is your mom available to babysit if you go back to work? It sounds like you might want to go back to work, am I right? What do you do? Do you have a college background, or could you use a college course? Please please please don't let this downer bring you down during what should be the best years of your and baby's life. You're getting nothing from this relationship, and often, men must be taught how to parent a child. He needs to have some sensitivity training, parent training, and maybe anger management training. It's a big order, and only someone who truly cares will make the effort. Walk away if he doesn't. YES, there are good men out there for you to choose from. I promise you. You will not have to parent alone, if you don't want to. You can find a nice guy, it might take some time, as your priorities are all about the baby right now, but with help from your family, you may have time to date. You're a good mom. Keep it up~ Liz

[Nighthawk61]

I know it's going to take a lot of jam to ask this man to leave. You could ask him to attend marriage counseling immediately, however if you don't have the funds to do that, you should ask him to leave immediately. He sounds very immature and selfish, and you're daughter at two can pick up on this, and be scarred by having contact. He needs to change before he's left alone with the baby. If he is really bad with her, you might want him to take parenting classes before he get's to have unsupervised visitation and you can talk to child protective services or a lawyer about how he treats her. The fact that you are aware and concerned shows that you are a good parent, and you can parent alone. Is his family involved with their grandchild?

[RockRose]

I think you know all these things,  Scarlette.  

You state them well and clearly.

Best wishes - you're doing the right thing.

[Scarlettegirl]

I'm having a hard time coming up with any strength to leave this relationship. I need someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing for me and my child and that I'm not being overly analytical and that this situation isn't a normal relationship. I've been treated this way for so long and my last serious relationship was like this but not as bad So I feel like I don't know how a real relationship is supposed to be. I want to know there is better. I find myself wanting to leave but then I feel sad when I think of him leaving for good and I don't know what to do and regardless if he leaves We have a child together and will always need to be in contact.  

[RockRose]

Why do you need someone to tell you "this isn't how it's supposed to be"?

That's not a snarky question,  that's an honest question that probably deserves some reflection.

Best wishes.