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Avatar universal

How do I get out of this?

I know there are many different types of abusive relationships..As I research more on the topic I believe I fall under the category of being in an abusive relationships. I have been with my boyfriend going in 6 years now..we have had a tumultuous relationship and many hardships. One of those hardships is always lack of $ bc he either can't hold a job down or just simply won't work. I am physically disabled I recently lost my disability income due to becoming pregnant 2x within the past 2yrs and I am appealing and fighting to get my income back but it's long process. He is very controlling and possessive. Such as I can't have any friends or go hang out with anyone. In the beginning within 3 months I had to move out of state to where he was from to be near his family. I am not allowed on FB or to even have a phone with minutes on it. I can only connect to WiFi and only allowed to be on it to watch movies for our son..I am literally sneaking on here while he is sleeping bc I am at the end of my rope with this relationship. He emotionally & mentally tears me down on a daily basis saying I have no one if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have a roof over my head (we just had to move BK in with his con artist mom who has stolen my identity in the past years racked up bills in my name and stolen my disability debit card and stole my $ when I was getting it his family no better than him).. also says I wouldn't have my son if I ever tried to leave him he would keep my son away from me or put him in the system just to spite me. Our son is my world he is closer to me than him on any given day. He uses our son to keep me with him and I know in my heart my son deserves better life than this. He also has threatened to kill me if I try to leave him..it to that extreme and yes I am terrified of him. He has hit me in the past but he doesn't do it often. I am under his control as well as his family and I have no way out. I think he is sending how done and different I feel and am being towards to him that my wallet has come up missing...not that I have any money to help me out of this predicament but my expired I'd and my n my son's medical was in my wallet. I grew up as orphan personally so I have no family members to turn to for help. My son is my rock and my only family and he is 2yrs old. I just found needles on his belongings and I believe he is using drugs again. I need help and advice to get my son n me out the grips of this abusive hellish relationship and far away from him n his family please
3 Responses
Avatar universal
I don't have an answer for how to get out. All I know is you should.

That is not a normal relationship. You should be happy, not controlled. Leave. Find a better life for you and your kids. I hope your income comes back soon too.
3060903 tn?1398565123
Bring your son to the police station, and tell them that your partner has threatened your life. It doesn't matter if he's threatened your life if you leave him, he has still threatened death. When you get to the police station tell him that you need someone to look after your son while you have a conversation. Tell them that your son will tell his father that you went to a police station, and that both you and your son's life from this day forward are at risk. Tell them that he has hit you on occasion. Tell them that he has stolen your purse and did not allow you keep your identification up to date. Tell them that his mother has stolen your identity and gotten you in debt. Tell him you are terrified of him always, but especially since finding needles that indicate he is back to using (heroin?) drugs. Tell them everything. Leave with nothing if you have to, but tell them you need a restraining order since he threatened your life if you left him. Tell them you need safe housing out of state. You are terrified that he will take your son and physically harm him as he has you. You are terrified that he will kill your son as he has threatened death.  

Get the charges for threatening death in the works. Put it out there that you have proof (seen needles) that he's using hard drugs again, and he'll have to test clean to even visit his son on supervised visits. If you've known the mother to be a drug addict too, make sure that you discuss this with examples of how you knew etc. so that the mother doesn't have visitation.

You have an income to raise your child, disability. You need to move and regain your disability. You said you were taken off disability or getting pregnant twice. (i had to shake my head for a second, when i read that).  I don't understand what becoming pregnant has to do with disability. If you are disabled because of physical problems, and cannot work it doesn't mean that you can't have sex missionary style. (no gymnastics). If you were disabled because of mental disability , again, you can have mental disability and not be able to work and can still be a mother?

I guess you're talking about welfare disability and they found out that you were living with a partner? and that's whey you were cut off? I'm not sure, but i do know that you are eligible if you got away from this louse. So, you have to DO IT> at a police station.

I'm sorry that you chose to have a child with this man because he too can get a lawyer and fight to see his son, or for full custody maybe bringing  up some vice of your own, and fight you toe to toe in court.

You need to get out of there, It is like you are living in pergatory, i know, cuz i've been there. Plan on staying at an abused women's shelter, and using the resources to get a real good life going for you and your child. Stay away from using alcohol or drugs. It 's too easy to fall into bad habits trying to drown out the symptoms of ptsd. That i know too well. Get help right off the bat with addiction if you cannot stay clean and sober (the way your child needs you to be).

I'm here if you'd like to keep in touch. Shoot me a message on my profile page and i'll help you through this, i've been in exactly the same spot you are, but the physical abuse was worse. If you stay, the physical abuse will probably get worse for you too. I do believe that once a man hits a women, it will continue to progress. (like addiction).

Take care of yourself and your child.  That's what you should do. I'm glad you reached out here, and i hope you get out so you can start to have a real life.

If you need to further your education, start now to think about what you would like to do. It sounds like you need therapy. You have no family and you got pregnant twice with an abusive man. It sounds like you could use a good therapist immediately to stop you from getting attached to another loser and possibly having another child with another dangerous man.

Please trust in the police to help get you situated in a shelter designed to get you back on your feet.
Think restraining order, threatening death charges. hard drug use by father and grandmother? Get going. lt will only get worse where you are.
Sorry for my late reply I couldn't get on the phone for days. Thank you for all of your advice I am going to do all you say...I just have to find a way to police station bc I live with them in a house in the country..can't come down off this hill unless they are going somewhere. My son's 2 he doesn't say full sentences yet..but he prefers me any day over his Dad or his family. I was on disability for 13yrs for mental illness and Crohn's diseases. The social security office just judged me by appearances and said if can take care of kids I'm not disabled. They never sent me to a doctor to deemed me no longer disabled. Smh it's ridiculous but a lawyer did tell me they do discriminate against those who get pregnant and have kids they try to stop their disability. Things were alot a different in beginning but I don't regret my son I regret he is the father but my son is my world... I will do what I have to do to give him the life he deserves I just have to find a way to get away from them safely. If I bring the cops here it would escalate to situation that I can't put my son through. I am not a drug addict have never been. I don't believe he is doing heroin he is shooting up his medication to stay off opiates its called Subutex. His mom gets that medication but no bc she uses drugs she sells it!I don't drink bc I have Crohn's disease so there should be no reason I couldn't keep my son unless my income is an issue...that's my fear if they put my son in system it will break my heart I couldn't bear it...
There's no reason for your child to be put in the system, unless you were to stay while there was abuse going on and you neglected to protect your son. if you make a point of leaving and citing that the reason you are doing so is to protect your son, the system will help you do that. You mentioned that you once had friends, can you call one of them to pick you and your son up when they're gone, and bring him to the police station and ask them to place you in a abused women's shelter. Remember, he only has to have hit you once, to be considered an abused women. I'm not even sure if you need to be hit, as there are many kinds of abuse, emotional etc. Keeping you isolated. etc. counts as abuse. You have to be sure that you're moving forward, and others in the position to help you will do so. You're in my thoughts and prayers. You need to get your child away from grama who uses and sells drugs. This can bring the sort of dangerous people to your home that puts your young child at risk. You have to put your foot down and say "no longer". Then you will be considered the best parent. Until then you are complicit in what's going on (raising your son in a home where there is drug abuse and drug selling). You need to get out and set yourself apart from the dangerous activity that is in that home. You are a prisoner and that's no way for your son to see you as he grows. If you leave now, he's young enough where he may not remember. That's the best thing y ou could do for him. Find a family he can be proud of, and secure in. You CAN do this. I did. My now 28 year old son thanks me. He's got his B.A. from a university , and a Construction Engineering Degree. Doing really well, never been on drugs. You have to think about how important it is to get your boy away from the low bar that your in laws and guy are providing your son as his only example of how (not) to live. It's all up to you.
Avatar universal
Hi Taylor,

First of all I am so sorry this happening to you. Your bf is extremely insecure and it seems from what you said about his mother, he has also had a tough life but this is not an excuse to treat you this way, many abused people promise themselves and become the opposite of what they went through. No woman deserves what you go through and you do not want your son to be like your bf. I would suggest you look on womenshelters.org ,many if not all of these shelters accept children. Go to one of these and while you are there, they will have someone like a counselor or a case worker who can give you all the info you need as far as resources. You and your child must leave this situation asap. People like your bf and his mother don't change and if they do its not for the better. What if your son found your bf heroin or whatever he is booting and ate even a small amount of it? He could die. You must leave. Please leave, if not for yourself than for your child. He is better off without this man. There are plenty of good men in this world who would date a woman with a child and care for a child who is not theirs. There are good men out there. Good Luck sweetheart.  :)
Thank you for your advice. Yes I grew up in many foster homes that didn't treat me right but it taught me how not to be towards others especially how I wouldn't treat my children badly like the way I was treated. He is very insecure but his family are just not good people at all. They harassed all of my friends to the point they won't talk to me but I think they did to drive my friends away so I would have no one. It is crazy. It's not heroin he was an opiate user but got on that medicine that's suppose to help him stay off harder drugs but that what he abusing and shooting up his medication Subutex. His mom his sister his cousin all get that medicine They go to the doctor get the medicine prescribed and sell each pill for $30 a piece it is so wrong! He doesn't abuse me physically so much it's the controlling isolating me and no freedom to go anywhere or access to a phone nothing and emotionally and mentally abusing me. He has court on the 26 of this month if he gets jail time I can get out of this situation safely then. I appreciate your help and support and advice. Thank you so much
Honey, don't minimize whatever physical abuse that's happened. You need to get as much help as you can, and being able to say that you've been physically abused will help you to get into an abused women's shelter. and gain freedom from him. Use it to your benefit. You can't use the fact he's threatened your life, and then say you're not afraid of physical abuse?  Abuse always escalates. You should be afraid of him escalating his abuse on you and possibly your son or you'll never get the help you truly need to get a new start.
Further, don't worry about your child being taken away. There is welfare and disability for women in your circumstance. Your mental health issues need to be dealt with a doctor and possibly medication to keep your child with you. Make sure you're up to date and working with a doctor that can vouch that you are a good mother and not a danger to your son.
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