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How do I remedy this situation?

I have lived with my boyfriend for the last 15 years. I have felt trapped with him yet I loved him, because he had a good heart.
There is a lot of verbal abuse on his part and now physical. We share a house and several horses.
All of a sudden, after I inherited some money after my father died,  he wants us to get married. I made a confused face when he told me he wants us to be married.
It is because he wants to have some ownership of my inheritance and the business. Like he has nothing, everything is in my name.
His decisions in the past that fell through, make me not trust his judgement with money.
I fear if we got married, he would turn around and spend it uncontrollably.
I can honestly say- after years of being called names, from the C word to Fat to Old, I was caught off guard at his marriage statement.
He flew off the handle about my reaction and said I crushed him. A fight ensued for days. He seemed to have an emotional breakdown. I never saw him cry before, but he was sobbing.
Things seemed better and forgiven, but he thinks I should be kissing up to him, and showing him how sorry I am for hurting him.
The other night, he stormed off to the bedroom. I went in to see what was wrong. He called me a few words, yelling at me. So I slammed the door. He came at me, grabbing both my wrists in front of my face and my left arm. and lifted me up and threw me on the bed. He said he was trying to calm me down.
I have bruising, and I got hit in the temple.
Things have settled down, but I am scared, as he is quiet, then enraged. It is like a roller coaster.
One minute he is nice, the next he is raging angry about something.
I do not want to get married, and do not really want to be together after this mess.

He does not see how his behavior caused me to question his marriage statement. He is holding it over my head.
I am caring for my elderly mother and I own a business. I feel like if I asked him to leave, things would be worse and dangerous.


3 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
If he is physically abusive to you then you must leave.  If he verbally assaults you then you must leave.  All abusive people have nice sides.  No one is one hundred percent awful.  And the charming, nice side fools you.  Don't be fooled.  Honestly, he is probably interested in that money.  Don't play alone.  You have two choices, live like this forever.  Not knowing what you'll get, escalating hostility from him and watching your money dwindle.  Or you can leave and try to have a peaceful life.  Or you can stay and put that money in a way that he can't touch it.  Your name only, in a trust, etc.  But the burn is that whatever debt he racks up, if you are married, you are responsible for too.   I'd gather your strength and get yourself out of this. Do you have supportive family?
3060903 tn?1398565123
This does not sound like the type of relationship that is going to make you happy, he's calling you old already, are you older than him? Thing is this, you're getting older, he sounds very immature and not the type of man you want around as you get older, and older. You deserve a mature man that knows that time stands still for no man or women. We are all getting older, it's not something that you can change , and even if you could, you'll still be called the C word, etc.  It sounds like you need to be free of this man to enjoy the inheritance that your dad has left you.  

I was abused by my first husband and stayed for 7 years. Although he hurt me terribly, I still feel love for him, for the parts of his personality that made him unique. But i left him to have peace in my life, and i have peace in my life.  Anything less as i'm getting older, is just not worth the effort. You have your elderly mother to look after til the end of her days and i think you need to do that, on your own, so that you can enjoy the quality of both your lives until she is watching over you. She will not rest in peace watching you be abused from above.

Only you can make the decision on what you will value as you age. And what type of man you wish to spend your time with, after your mom is gone, and you need true companionship. He is calling you these names to degrade you into thinking that you won't be able to find anyone else and likely he is jealous of your business sense, and your stability and accomplishments. if the is the case, it would require change on his part to feel better about himself to treat you with  respect. It sounds like he doesn't respect himself, and is deflecting those feelings onto you. In other words, there;s nothing you can do to make him feel better about himself, including marriage, because he will still be angry at you for being more successful than he may be. You can't change anything to stop him from feeling this way about himself.

The reality appears to be, that you are an accomplished businesswomen with a lifestyle (horses) that would be very attractive to many men, but you can'pursue this while trapped. It sounds like you've been feeling trapped for long enough and now it's time to talk to the right people about removing him for your life. Your relationship has now become physical and once that happens, it usually escalates. It escalated from the verbal abuse to physical as is the norm. I think you need to make the decision, go to the police, tell them about the abuse, and get a restraining order so that he leaves the property. You deserve freedom from this escalating abuse and you can get help to have him leave. It's your choice as to whether you think you deserve peace in your life starting now, or not. I wish you the strength to release yourself and enjoy your freedom , and your mother's last days, in peace. And then find someone who is mature enough to accept that we are all going to get old. There is no shame in the aging process. Stop allowing this immature ignorant man to ruin the peace that could be yours. and the opportunity that you still could have to find someone that is more mature and more your speed. This guy's not smart enough to know when he's got a good women. Get rid of him.
3060903 tn?1398565123
You need the freedom to age gracefully with acceptance and love for yourself. As we age, we grow and learn that the physical beauty of youth is a stage only, and that the aging process can also be a beautiful thing. Think about it, how many older people do you see that you think to yourself they're ugly or worthless because their beauty has faded? This guy is not normal in his thinking process.  He is simply, not mature. and will likely never mature. You're fighting a losing battle to stay with him. He's not going to change. You can't change what you don't recognize. Beware of crocodile tears. Money can be big motivator, to ACT in whatever way that will control another person and bend them to your will. Don't be a patsy to this behavior. You sound much smarter than that. Stand up to it, and don't be afraid. Let the police help you. This guy, will set his sites on another women to use, and he'll soon replace you with a women he can control with his verbal abuse. Make a new start.
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