Husband says he'll leave?

[IrmaJean45]

Hi, recently I got married and on our honeymoon he informed me that if I go to the bathroom  (pee or poop) or pass gas in our new house he will leave me as that is not acceptable to him. He says 7 Eleven in down the street.  Im so shocked because he never brought this up before we were married...we didn't live together. I honestly don't know what to do as we don't believe in divorce or annulment and he says it's normal for this situation to occur and he said just nobody talks about it.

[Refdesk]

I am hoping you have already left this situation. What you have described is the beginning of a controlling and abusive situation. He probably hid these tendencies from you until after your wedding. This first demand may be to test the waters to see how compliant you are. Don't try to reason with him about it, just leave before it gets to a point where you feel you can't. He most likely has a personality disorder.

[Doug_in_the_box]

First off...im a guy, and I want you to know that what your husband said SCARES me!  As another responder said, it's a statement that I will remember the rest of my life. I'm glad you are getting out!  If he REALLY cared about you, he would treat you as the wonderful woman you are!  He would cherish you!  AND SOMEONE WHO LOVES AND CHERISHES THEIR WIFE DORS NOT MAKE DEMANDS LIKE THAT!  Every husband and wife has the right to have reasonable expectations of eachother, such as fidelity, putting each other first, putting family first, who's going to work or stay home with children if you can afford to live on one income, etc.  He already told you he would leave you, so he obviously does not care much about you!   BUT THIS MAN IS NOT NORMAL!  THATS NOT A QUIRK!   THAT IS A MENTAL DISEASE!  ONE HE MOST LIKELY KNEW HE HAD AND HE HID IT FROM YOU!  That means he manipulated you! He will not change, and would manipuIate you again!  
I myself  have issues, and it's called Adult ADD, and mild Tourette's.   I know what they are, and so does my wife.  She loves me and tolerates, and sometimes tries to "fix" me lol, but what she honestly does, is she borrows books from the library, and subscribes to articles online for spouses living with someone with a particular disorder, to help her understand what I'm going thru, and what to expect out of me.
  DO NOT get scared or feel sorry for him...you don't want to end up stuck with someone like that.
Next time, Look for someone with higher aspirations and goals, that's not miserable working in a job they hate.  If you are religious and attend church regularly, which it sounds like you do, look for someone that's into religion as much as you are.  I too married young and too soon the first time, and I believe it was probably more the excitement of a new life outside of my parents house and rules.    Get your own apartment and live on your own, or with some girlfriends, go to school, enjoy being young and single...or...live at home with your parents for a while, save money,  enjoy this time with them, it's a different relationship now, because you've been out there already.   Don't rush into ANYTHING!     When you do meet someone, as you form a relationship with them, you'll start to know if he's the right one... when you think about him and he thinks about you when your not together, and when he puts you first, and you him...when you want to live for the other person, and they you...when you just want to make each other happy, and see them laugh or smile.  When he's TRULY interested in how your day was, and you are TRULY interested in how his was, no matter how boring it may have been, and your just hoping he had an exciting work day...and he you.  When no matter how bad the fight is, and no matter how hard you slam the door, and how far away you drive in the heat of the argument, and even though you are soooo mad, you still want to drive back or at least call to make sure he's okay...and he you!  Together is good, sometimes space is good, but when you truly love someone, you still think about them and wonder how much they're hurting, even if they are to blame.   That's LOVE!  It will come, whether it's the guy you never expected at church or work, or the 30 th guy you try on a dating website, if your open to giving people a chance, and don't be afraid of getting hurt again, but don't  let yourself either...no-one owns you! Anyways, this rambling crazy guy with issues that you don't know, that's giving you all this crazy advice, wishes you all the best.    And I leave you with a suggestion.    Be accountable to someone!  Whether it's you pArents, friend, whoever.   Tell them you are doing this! That you are getting an annulment, and moving out.  Then tell them you'll give them daily updates, and do it.  It will help keep you on track, so you don't backslide and end up staying married to him.    I wish you the best of luck!    

[ninick]

doug, THAT was amazing! really good advice, and I cried a little reading your post. So thoughtful! thank u for this. What you've said is so true for all of us.

Wish u all the very best in life!

[Nighthawk61]

Doug, you're a keeper. Nice hearing your point of view. I think a male perspective is very important on Medhelp, so thanks for giving yours. All the best to you brother!!!

[Dawndjs]

Wow Doug, that was pretty amazing. Your comment is right on and heartfelt. I shed a few tears reading your post. Best to you and your wife.

[muddyroot]

Uhm....where does he go to do his duty???? I'd tell him to pack his bags and do it quickly or else I might just leave a little present in them for him!!!

[Nighthawk61]

Absolutely , best answer. lol

[Aulini]

Hi IrmaJean.  Run and dont look back!  You must leave this nutcase now before you chicken out.  Be thankful you have found this out before you were another sad statistic.  This man is not just a nutcase - he is seriously mentally ill and you do NOT want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder.  Theres no love here!  Go girl, you can do it.  Just make sure you keep in touch with your pastor and his wife.  And most importantly, dont blame yourself - ever - for making this mistake!  I will be praying for you.

[JaneEbug]

I believe that your husband hid his controlling personality from you before you were married, and this 7/11 rule is the first of many, a test to see if you'll comply. This will surely lead to many more controlling rules. I strongly urge you to seek annulment as you have said, and look for a new joyful life instead of this. It sounds like you have the support of your pastor and his wife, which is wonderful - support is necessary and it will help you. You deserve to be treated fairly and kindly. I wish you good luck!

[Kleng121]

Hi, I just wanted to see if you were still doing alright. Your "husband" sounds like he has a few screws loose, and it also sounds to me like he is definitely playing some sort of control game with you. The fact he is willing to "consider" building you a bathroom after TELLING you not to use the one in your own home is a slap in your face as his wife. Did y'all not absorb or listen to any of the wedding vows? He is already not acting as he should, either religiously or morally (and I am not a religious person). And the fact he cannot get over a silly hang up like that, or to assume you are as dirty as the filth that leave messy bathrooms, is just plain unfair to you.
It also sounds like he was raised in a way to look down on women, since his own mother was making the excuse that you should more or less deal with it. Because if that is indeed the case... Should he not just "deal" with the fact you are going to use your own bathroom in your own home?
You are a strong woman, and nobody, I mean NOBODY can ever tell you what to do, when to do it, or how it should be done.

[Taishay]

He is a **** get out before the other abuse starts!!!Run that is not a loving husband.

[Philliesgirl13]

How old are both of you? Did he have previous relationships?

Best of luck!

[RockRose]

Sorry,  it occurred to me that you meant to type "silly quirk".  

Well, how about you tell your husband's mother to use the bathroom somewhere outside her own house for a week and then decide how "silly" this quirk is.  

[IrmaJean45]

Thank you for your advice.  I talked to my pastors wife on the phone and they will help me with getting an annulment and go about getting my old apartment back. I talked to my husband about what would happen if I were to fall pregnant and he said that wasn't in the cards as babies are too messy and he deals with messes at the retirement home all day. That was a final straw for me, I realize I was too eager to marry and married the first man I dated. I hope I find sombody in the future who is good to me. My pastor said he's not the same as when we did counseling.  Thank you

[ninick]

IrmaJean45....I'm SO glad you've stopped making excuses to justify his bizarre behaviour. I do hope you go ahead with the annulment/divorce. He needs help, which him and his mother should seek. it's also commendable that you're being honest to yourself about this and taking steps to fix it...for your own self!

I now really really hope u stick with your excellent decision and don't fall for any "justifications" for this bizarre, unacceptable behaviour. U deserve to be with someone who has no restrictions on u or ur life. all the best!

[laurirenee]

Good for you, IrmaJean. By getting out of that bizarre, dysfunctional relationship early, you are saving yourself from years of misery. What he has exposed to you so far is only the tip of the iceberg.

[Nighthawk61]

Please stay tough and stay out of this sick person's path. You truly are saving yourself from a life of hell if you were to even consider his wishes. How could you ever trust anything he is thinking? I agree with the poster who said that he will treat his women as one would a dog. Disgraceful behavior and a very sick mind. Take you time, learn from this. As another poster said, find out all the answers before moving forward with anyone. Think of how you want yoru life to look like, and run it by the person you are considering as a mate. Think about how you want to raise your children, how many children, their schooling, their hobbies, do you want them to take ballet and soccer, and arts courses.? make sure they're the guy that will pick up the slack and do the good dad role, driving the kids to their after school activities etc. Do you want to upgrade your education, so that you will have your own security. Make sure your partner will be happy to help you do that. If they're hesitant about that, they may be control freaks. and have no faith that a women can enjoy a career and still be a good wife, and mother. I'm not suggesting working full time, but to love going to work is a beautiful thing. Think about and get a list of things that you want to make happen in a marriage. And make it happen. You can do it. Your kids will thank you for being a strong independent happy with their job and life mommy.

You have another chance to be happy. You're not missing anything by leaving this guy. He's not a keeper. Sorry you have to feel the pain of separation, but the fact is that you didn't do enough homework. Forgive yourself that. Everybody makes mistakes. Don't allow yourself be be stigmatized because your marriage has been annulled, or you are divorced. What does it matter when you finally find the man of your dreams. But first, you have to know what your dream man is. Make your lists, and find a guy that makes the simplest things fun. Like enjoying being a women, messy or not. It's deplorable, what he's expecting, like in the old days when a women on her menstrual cycle was considered dirty. How awful. Women  bleed yes, they also hold the key to carrying a child. Yes, messy. So what , when you think of what that "mess" creates. LIFE. This guy is dead inside. Good choice to have reached out for help. Your are truly in my thoughts and prayers. May the wind always be at your back, but if it isn't you'll want your partner to be able to help you stand the winds of time and  change.
God bless you and your real partner finding each other. It will happen. Have faith and patience. He's looking for you right now. You've made the right choice to be free, so you and he can find each other. You've spent a lifetime waiting, you can have the patience to hold out for YOUR mr. right. xo

[RockRose]

And I have to say,  if my fiance said I'm not allowed to do his laundry when we got married,  I'd have SERIOUS reservations about that man.  Sweety,  you've married a man who is mentally ill.  And somehow,  you missed it for the year you were dating.  

[RockRose]

IrmaJean,  it's time to leave.  Before you get too entrenched.  I strongly sense you won't do that,  and you're just trying to make this work out,  despite this man's disabling beliefs.

I don't now what a "dilly quirk" is, that his mom states he has.  His mom is completely enabling him,  and he's a loser of a husband.  

But again,  I strongly sense you won't take the advise you're given here,  and leave his crazy guy.  God only knows how he will react when you are pregnant and have those issues to deal with.  

[RockRose]

Sometimes someone says something so bizarre you will never forget it.  I honestly don't think I'll ever forget this post,  IrmaJean.

It's time to cut your losses and file for divorce or annulment.  When people ask "what happened - why are you divorcing?" and you say he told me I couldn't ever use our bathrooms in our house,  no one - NO ONE - will blame you for getting out.  

God knows what other very,  very bizarre requests this man will make.

[IrmaJean45]

Yes I talked to him after reading these answers and he said it's just not pleasent for him to share a bathroom with a woman because he used to be a custodian at Kmart and women are gross about bathrooms and also he doesn't want to see womanly hygiene products in the trash. He said he'll consider building a bathroom  on to the basement if I clean it every day.  

[AnnieBrooke]

I would have pooped in the toilet in the usual way and let that package of craziness go right ahead and leave.

Are you all right and are you away yet?  Worried.

[Eviedechant]

Please update us asap. Im really concerned about your safty. Id like to know if you were able to get away? Ill come get you if you  need help..just please don't stay.

[luccky15081979]

hi honey..sorry to hear about what you are experiencing. my opinion is that your husband may have some kind of mental health problem,,like o.c.d{which I have myself and have also made similar demands...it could be a fear of contamination you using the toilet to do these completley natural actions we all do it including your husband,and then him using the toiet after you and fearing he may become contaminated by using the same toilrt or breathing in your gas,, this is not normal behaviour by any manner of means and don't feed into his irrational behaviour by agreeing that it is,this will not help him or you,,stay strong and try and seek help

[crazymamaof4]

This is unbelievable, and totally not normal. You have got to leave this man. Religion has got to take a backseat to your well being. This man is sick. If you are afraid your friends and family will not like your decision to leave this man tell them what he is asking and doing to you.  I guarantee they will understand then. Please do not stay with this man.

[Cidnee2727]

Run! dont just walk away from this relationship!  This is no way to live and it will only get worse.. There are worse things in life than divorce and this is way up there!

[Ajh22]

Why would you think that he loves you asking such an insane thing of you? Oh and for his mom she knows exactly what her son is all about sick!!! Run do not walk Run from both these horrible sick I can't even call them people I don't know what to call them but I do know if you don't leave in a big hurry n never look back your life will be ruined forever. Oh and btw he was looking for the worst way that he could think of to disrespect you and treduce you as a human being you know like a dog that has to go outside to relieve himself. If u accept that kind of horrific treatment then you are accepting to wear the leash also  cause after all you would be enabling him to treat you like an animal. I can't help thinking that if you didn't run as soon as he gave you those orders where have you been doing your business??

[RockRose]

And I do have to ask - how long did you date?  Did you ever meet any of his friends or family?

[IrmaJean45]

HIs mom told me it's just a dilly quirk of his and all wives have to accept quirks. He has no friends only one guy who is a resident at the retirement home he manages.

[IrmaJean45]

We dated for 1 year but he seemed more normal.  He said I'm not allowed to do his laundry when we get married but that's the only weird thing he said.

[care22039457]

This is not a "quirk".  He has a serious mental issue.  It's absolutely inhumane to not allow someone to use the bathroom in a place they are living.  I have a feeling any future requests will be just as strange or worse.  Please get out now before it becomes too difficult to extricate yourself from this situation.

[ninick]

Hi,

First of all let me assure you this is NOT normal. Does he use the 7 eleven for himself? let's assume you are unwell or have a baby, will u be expected to walk down the street to even pee?

I'm sorry but this sounds like a psychological iussue to me. Also could be about control, but i'm not sure about it.

The only normal thing is for you to be ABLE TO USE anything in your house the way u want to or be made to feel comfortable.

Divorce/annulment etc are unpleasant and everybody wants to avoid it, but to live a life with such conditions may perhaps be more unimaginable. I wish u all the best.

[Momoftjreec]

He is a nutcase.  Been married 23 years. I never went to 7-11 to pee. He will get more controlling g and abisive. Leave him.

[crazybullielady]

You need to get as far away from that piece of excremente as possible!!! What happens if you have children?? Are they not allowed to use the bathroom in their home?? This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard it!! he doesn't deserve the time of day from you!! He's got

[Itchys]

Does your husband go to 711 each time he needs to use the facilities?  Because that would only be fair if he's asking you to do it.

You should feel comfortable in your own home and be able to use the facilities. Did you use the facilities at his place when you dated?  If so, what's different now?  Can you use one bathroom and he use the other(if you have 2) if it's such an issue?

What he's asking is not at all normal or fair.  It seems like he's trying to test you to see how much control he can have over you. You may want to set boundaries with him so that he doesn't push you into doing things that don't feel right to you.