Ok first of all I want to say I am sorry for what you have gone through! I was sexually abused as well. for quite a long time. I think having trust issues with men after these things happen is very normal. I thought for a long time I was gay. I felt comfort in women that I couldn't get from men. I have a great boyfriend now to, but still have issues. Tomorrow I start therapy for all of this. I suggest you do the same . It might help you. I sincerely hope you get the help you need! you are not alone.
Hi there thanks for reply, I do currently see a therapist but I only have 3 more sessions with him. After that he will look to refer me on to other mental health services but I am not holding my breath with that as my previous doctor promised to refer me for counselling and I never received a letter to say that I have.
Your family seems to have a rather free sexual life style. Are the other members of your family as disturbed by it as are you?
Hi thanks for your reply.
Sorry, I don't know what is meant by a rather free sexual life style...
My mum had a relationship with my birth father in 1984 at a school reunion and that was when he made her pregnant with me. When I was conceived as far as I knew the relationship was then over as my mum did not think he'd make a good father.
My mum then lived with me, my great-nan and grandparents from when I was born (1985) to 2003. She was in a relationship between these years but they parted on mutual terms as he worked in other countries and wrote to her on some occasions. A long-distance relationship would just not work for her and so they split.
In 2003 she began a relationship with her work supervisor. I suspected something going on between them as I went on work nights out with her team and there was a chemistry between them, but my mum was calling and messaging someone on her phone with a different name. This went on for about a year and she then confessed to me one night that the contact name she had on her phone and to whom she was contacting was a cover-up and it was indeed her boss who I suspected all along. I even told her that I knew there was something going on. They married in 2008.
My family have supported my relationship with my current partner of 11 years and have said (not to me directly but to my mum and step-dad) that they are happy that I am happy and that I am with someone who treats me right. I have never ever had sex, just had those questionable incidents in the past and they know nothing about what went on in 2001 if that was the incident in question you wondered if they knew anything about. :)
I am so perplexed by your posts, Charlixo. I don't think I've ever read a post on these forums that has left me so confused about a lifestyle as yours.
You have a lot of sexual encounters - sex toys, visits to sex shops, "intimacy with your boyfriend" - but after 11 years you're almost 30 and you've never had coitus with him. As much focus as you have in your life on sexual behavior, you've never done the simple act of having coitus and now you're almost 30 and you've been with this guy since you were a schoolgirl. You gloss over that point at the very very end of long, informative posts as if it were a mere after thought, something unimportant but it's the most unusual thing you have in your life, imho. Have you told your therapist you don't have sex with your boyfriend, just 11 years of sexual behaviors that don't culminate in sex?
So I guess I'm curious about specifically what you are trying to accomplish in therapy?
Best wishes -
Thanks for your reply.
I was with my first boyfriend from 1999-2003.
I then met my current boyfriend in 2002 but we started dating after me and my ex split in 2003. We are still together and have not had sex/coitus as he is a Christian.
So no I have not been with him since I was a schoolgirl.
Yes, my therapist knows I have not had sex.
Sorry, I am simply respecting my boyfriend's wishes not to have sex before marriage. It is his choice, not mine.
What I am trying to accomplish is why I have so many mixed up feelings with my sexuality and why I cannot forget the assault in 2001 when I was abroad.
I don't now how long you've been seeing your therapist, but did he/she mention the idea of "smothering the baby" to you? When you said the bartender was a really nice guy to your mother, that's called "smothering the baby". You were hurt and angry that he treated you like that so you made up a better story about it and that's what you told. Like a person retelling accidentally leaving their childhood dog outside with no water and it died, the person might retell that they came home just in the nick of time and were able to get the dog water after all. It's a way of coping with something you wish you had handled differently.
When I was young, I was a bit like you in that I didn't feel comfortable telling men to get their hands off me. I don't know why I didn't do it - I saw other girls handle those situations with poise and assertiveness. "Stop touching me" "Get your hands off me" were things that I couldn't say although I hated being sexually touched. And THAT is what sticks with me when I recall those incidents - WHY DIDN'T I HAVE THE GUTS TO PUT A STOP TO THAT?? Why did I watch other girls handle it so well and I was so weak and just would sit there silently or try to move their hands off meekly, and no one in the room would be fully aware I was being molested.
So I think that's what's bothering you, too. It wasn't the sexual touching - it was that you didn't do anything at all about it and even told your mother he was nice.
I don't know what your future plans are with your boyfriend, and whether you intend to get married but I would go forward very cautiously with that. I'm a Christian myself, so I get wanting to follow the laws, but men with a healthy hetersexual sexuality don't purposely go 12 years without sex if they've got a wiling woman they care about offering it to them. Just a thought -
Ii'm so glad that you're currently in therapy. I'm wondering whether a female therapist might be a better fit for you and whether you might be more comfortable opening up on these issues? It's your right to ask for a change.
I'm also wondering why you have 3 sessions left, and what will happen exactly at that point.
I think you should try to talk about all the incidents as you've done here with your therapist. You don't have to wait for the best time to divulge all information for them. The more they know, the better plan they will be able to make for you.
As for the 2001 incident, i'm so sorry that you were so violated and had no recourse. It would have helped immensely had you been able to talk to your mother and expose this man and see that their were consequences for his actions. When we don't we suffer from having no closure i'm afraid.
Was this a case of not being able to talk to your mother? I'm sure that this will come out in therapy if this is the case.
Also, your grandfather making you feel uncomfortable. Have you told your mother anything about her father's inappropriate conversations/leering at you? When you spoke of him looking at you, in the change room mirror, or looking at your breasts when in a towel etc. i thought that maybe it was not sexual, just looking. Even the comment he made about well formed breasts, i suppose a person could see that as an old timer talking about a women's body as one would a horse, but if he said the word .. t i t s, then that's wrong and demeaning. When you said that he asked about the toys and how they felt, that's when it drove it home that this man is totally wrong in the way he's thinking and speaking to his grandchild.
The incident that happened when you were 13 and your cousin was 6 is odd behavior. Perhaps you were a personality type that did what was asked of you without thinking, or judging. I take it the unacceptable behavior that your grandfather exhibited happened after you were 13, so i'm not quite sure what was happening, other than what i stated about your going along with what others asked of you, without question.
I'm glad that you are working through this in therapy. I hope that you keep us posted on how you are doing ,and how the treatment that you're receiving in working for you. You have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about. As i said earlier, i'm wondering why you weren't able to talk to your mom openly, in 2001, or about your grandfather.That's the biggest question on my mind after your post.
I am no longer inclined to reply to answers on this post.
Charli, I don't know where in this thread a nerve was hit, but that's exactly where you need to go to search for your answers. This is why you have been in therapy and it isn't helping - because you're running in the opposite direction when you discover something that resonates with you.
If you don't face whatever it is that's made you no longer inclined to reply, you will never find the answers you think you want. You want to feel better, but it won't happen without walking through the fire.
Relax do pranayama check in you most powerful methods you can acheive anything
Write this down or print it and present it. Some people cant talk directly to another person. Put an object in the therapy room and talk tot hat instead of the counselor or use a journal to speak. I suggested this to my friend who was raped by her dad and she finally successsfully went through therapy at 32 for what happened at 17. Its and old post but if you see this and it works for you I'm glad. As for questioning sexuality that is ok too. Just religious nuts pound morals into you that are not necessarily right. Accept yourself and love yourself. You sill be much happier.
Also not everyone enjoys sex and not everyone enjoys sex all the time. All the other things you do with your significant other is just fine so long as you are both consenting adults which you are. Forcing yourself to do things you are not comfortable with to please your significant other may cause more harm than good. Coitus isn't a necessary part of a relationship. Pleanty of people enjoy kissing, cuddling, foreplay, toys, ssxy showers, etc. It sounds like you have a supportive partner and you should keep being true to yourself.
Sexuality and what you feel attracted to is fluid and does not have to be labeled. You have been through a lot and it may take awhile to work your way to it, but you should get therapy that you find helps or someone you can confide in.
Pakkun you are on the wrong path here...she is very sexualized women,but hers alleged boyfriend keeps her on a short leash here,ordering no sex,and that is why she has all that issues,she is unfulfilled and unsatisfied with her life .Just to back up this statement...I know only few regular people that uses sex toys at all,not to say souch overtly, and even fewer that go to sexs shops. On the other hand she has a boyfriend that is devoted beliver...so put 2and2 together..he is just one more abuser in my eyes.If he was such a prude,he would not let her be so sexualized,aka. girlfriend that needs to experience regullary vaginal orgazams,or sex at all...because it is not what Church wants,in the eyes of that institution, it would be nothing less than cheating...And belive it or not,life without sex is not that hard at all,take it from me..And no metter what one would say,sex is also a sheere habit.
So now we go to the point..she is only a litlle spoiled,so she makes a fuss around thing that happens regularry,I mean each of us has been in the situation more or less tragic,because of rude boyfriend,but she was a bit too young and of course that behaviour of that Turkish guy was owfull,but it was also sparken by licentious behaviour of her strange mother,that make this stupid young man try to take the advantage on the daughter...and it desrves concern of course.Mother is the number 1 to blame.Grandfather behaviour is also very uncommon,but in the light of mums ,and of course even of our heroine ,let us say taht it is probably some genteic disorder. but it is not in such way to became dangerous to them or the people with them.I am sorry if I have hurt some feelings...like someone who said that she was rased in a quite modern ,let us say,uncoservative fashion,and she got offended by that statement. ????Sorry but that is true,and she is trying to patch it up,by picking for herselfe a consrvative boy,but....there is allways but...he is probably some pervert or a person that is not capable to have a normal sex life,because of his physical or mental disability.So my advice would be...be aware,and get yourselfe a real man,because you are a girl that cannot handel having no sex!!!Sorry,but...
Show this expression to your therapist. I don't feel comfortable saying my thoughts outloud... when I have a problem getting tough thoughts out, I write it down and give to the person it's directed to. Sexual abuse at that age and hormones kicking all over the place at the same time, can cause confusion. That's why you don't experiment until you give yourself time to FIND YOU & HEAL.Focus on the solution, not the problem. Learn who you are without making major decisions that can and will affect the rest of your life
I know that this sounds extremely harsh and unfeeling, but you just need to get over it. Your counselor / therapist can only do so much. YOU need to begin seeing yourself not as a VICTIM, but a SURVIVOR.
I have been molested / raped at least four times in my life. I am forty now and the first time was when I was around 6, by a neighbor. I have still blocked out parts of what happened, but he took me into him home after days and days of giving me candy, and finally luring me in there. Afterwards, it was my godfather who would rub himself against me and a couple of times got me to lie down with him on the couch while he rubbed his hard **** against my buttocks and ran his arms and hands against all of my front WHILE his wife and my parents were in the same house! I think my parents or his wife realized what happened because after a big fight we never saw them again. Third was when I was in my teens, by a family 'friend', fourth, at knifepoint, also in my teens.
The first time I 'came out' about this was in the comments section of a news story about a little girl that had been molested, and one reply to me asked if I wore a sign asking to be molested. Sick, huh? People don't understand ... so back to what I was saying, YOU need to take your power back. YOU need to be the one that takes what happened to you and know that you were pretty much a child and that things like this happen, and that you cannot give anyone more power over your life because YOU alone are master of what happens from this day forward.
Best of luck.
I am truly disgusted by the lack of empathy and understanding for this young lady. It is absolutely NOT normal for your grandfather to be making those comments to you and for your mother to allow you to be touched by that sick bartender. Honestly, WTF is wrong with that guy, really. I feel for you. I have also had similar experiences in my childhood that make it very hard for me to trust men, and as a result I feel sexual urges towards other women. You are not alone. Please get help and counseling and I hope eventually you will start to feel better, but in the meantime just know this is not your fault. Try not to feel guilty. I know it seems impossible but it will all be easier with time.