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8256587 tn?1399901106

I feel ashamed

Hi I am a 29yr old female and in 2001 something happened to me whilst holidaying in Turkey.

I was 15 at the time and my mum and I decided to go on a girls' only holiday. Mother-daughter bonding I presume, looking back. So we booked to go for a week to a hotel we went to 5 years before as we both enjoyed our stay and found the staff really friendly.

A few days into our stay my mum flirted with a male guest - she was quite drunk and she was kissing him. She knew he had a girlfriend staying with him but she seemed to overlook this when under the influence. The bartender who was 7 years older than me (he was 22, I was 15) came out from behind the bar and kissed me. He then put his hand down the front of my skirt and touched me. After doing that he took his hand away and took his **** out of his shorts. He got hold of my hand and put it on top of his ****, telling me to stroke it and that I would like it. I did not like it at all.

Before long my mum, the guy she was flirting with, the bartender and I were all sitting in the outside dining area watching the cable TV. At the time I just saw what we were watching as a man and two women hugging and kissing each other. The bartender then slipped his hand under me and rubbed the underside of my pants. I told him it hurt and he said to me "wait, you'll like it" and he inserted his finger up inside. He asked me if I had done it and I said "no" and he then asked me if I would like him to take my virginity away. I didn't answer but he kept telling me to come to bed with him. I did not do that.

When my mum decided it was time we went to bed I kept saying to her that I thought the bartender was really nice and I really liked him (that I cannot work out, thinking back) and she said "I think he's nice, too."

The next day the bartender saw me in the pool in my bikini and he gestured for me to come over to him. He asked me "where did you go last night? You did not come to bed with me." I said "no, I had to make sure my mum got back to her room safely." He then said, "well, I have the key to one of the hotel rooms. Meet me there in ten minutes. Room ###." I went over to my mum and said "Umm, mum...? What would you say if ***** asked me to come to a hotel room to see him?"
Her response was "I'll f'ing deck him one."
I then went back on what I said as I was afraid of us being thrown out of the hotel (since the guy worked there) and told her that nothing of the sort was said. She was skeptical but left things at that.

I see a counselor at the moment about what had happened back in 2001 and as I thought about that I then remembered something intimate that had gone on between my younger female cousin and I and I think it has messed up my sexuality.

I was 13 and she was 6. She was around my grandparents' house whilst her mum and dad (my auntie and uncle) were away. She asked if we could play doctor. I said ok and she wanted to play doctor and have me as the patient.

She asked me to take my clothes off and lie down on my back on the floor. So I had my trousers pulled down and my top pulled up. She put her hand on my tummy and moved her hand down towards my ***** but did not touch it. We then heard my grandfather outside and I quickly got up and tried to zip up my trousers before he noticed they were down. He looked at me (I can't remember how he was looking at me as I don't think I gave him any eye contact due to feeling so uncomfortable) and he said to me "put your trousers back on, what will your mother say when she sees you like that?" I felt incredibly guilty and awkward about the whole thing and my cousin gave me this innocent look too. I mean, she was only 6 at the time. I found out a few months ago that she had come out of the closet and was seeing other girls. Which I thought was fine but my grandparents don't like to mention her very much in our conversations.

As I got older I noticed that my grandfather was looking at certain "parts" of me when I lived with them or went to certain places with them. When we were in Benidorm in 2005 I was in a changing room and he casually mentioned I had well-formed t**s when I was changing into a top I wanted. He saw me topless by looking through the changing room's curtain and seeing my reflection in the mirror. I've also caught him looking down my top/front of my dress/front of my bath towel. And I don't have a great pair of t**s at all, small like an 11 year old's. He's even found some of my sex toys and asked me how they feel/how they work. I felt very uncomfortable when he asked me to show him.

This is all what I feel has really impacted on my emotional/sexual/intimate life and I haven't yet told my counselor about the situation with my cousin or grandfather. I don't feel as though I can now as he wants me to work towards expressing my hidden feelings with the assault in 2001. This has put me off internal exams/cervical screening tests with the doctors (which I am not sure if I need to go through with or not as I am not sexually active but have used sex toys and have problems with my cycles) and I have been intimate with my boyfriend of 11 years.

I feel so mixed up with how I feel as I feel so dirty and ashamed with my feelings/past experiences. And that the things my grandfather did (looking at me with no bra/top on and commenting on it and also the stuff going on with the sex toys) makes me feel a bit...I don't know...on edge with him, I guess.

Am I wrong to be feeling like this? This feels incredibly weird and strange for me to talk about but I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel safer and more emotionally/physically closer with another woman. My fantasies even involve me kissing, touching and hugging another woman and it's making me question my sexuality. I keep asking myself am I straight or bisexual or gay, it's a constant debate on my mind as I then tell myself that no I can't be bisexual or gay if I don't find women attractive. But then I have these urges to be with another woman.

I seem to have some inner mental conversation with myself. It's like my thoughts are fighting with each other - back and forward, back and forward - whenever I go to a sex shop, go out clubbing with my friends, I am intimate with my boyfriend or by myself. I feel disgusting and ashamed with myself. :(

I believe that what has gone on has made me distrust men (although I completely trust my boyfriend as he knows when no from me means no and will only touch me when I am relaxed and I say so.)

Thank you for any support/guidance. I feel so alone in how I feel right now.
18 Responses
Avatar universal
Ok first of all I want to say I am sorry for what you have gone through! I was sexually abused as well. for quite a long time. I think having trust issues with men after these things happen is very normal. I thought for a long time I was gay. I felt comfort in women that I couldn't get from men. I have a great boyfriend now to, but still have issues. Tomorrow I start therapy for all of this. I suggest you do the same . It might help you. I sincerely hope you get the help you need! you are not alone.
8256587 tn?1399901106
Hi there thanks for reply, I do currently see a therapist but I only have 3 more sessions with him. After that he will look to refer me on to other mental health services but I am not holding my breath with that as my previous doctor promised to refer me for counselling and I never received a letter to say that I have.
757137 tn?1347200053
Your family seems to have a rather free sexual life style. Are the other members of your family as disturbed by it as are you?
8256587 tn?1399901106
Hi thanks for your reply.

Sorry, I don't know what is meant by a rather free sexual life style...

My mum had a relationship with my birth father in 1984 at a school reunion and that was when he made her pregnant with me. When I was conceived as far as I knew the relationship was then over as my mum did not think he'd make a good father.

My mum then lived with me, my great-nan and grandparents from when I was born (1985) to 2003. She was in a relationship between these years but they parted on mutual terms as he worked in other countries and wrote to her on some occasions. A long-distance relationship would just not work for her and so they split.

In 2003 she began a relationship with her work supervisor. I suspected something going on between them as I went on work nights out with her team and there was a chemistry between them, but my mum was calling and messaging someone on her phone with a different name. This went on for about a year and she then confessed to me one night that the contact name she had on her phone and to whom she was contacting was a cover-up and it was indeed her boss who I suspected all along. I even told her that I knew there was something going on. They married in 2008.

My family have supported my relationship with my current partner of 11 years and have said (not to me directly but to my mum and step-dad) that they are happy that I am happy and that I am with someone who treats me right. I have never ever had sex, just had those questionable incidents in the past and they know nothing about what went on in 2001 if that was the incident in question you wondered if they knew anything about. :)
13167 tn?1327197724
I am so perplexed by your posts,  Charlixo.  I don't think I've ever read a post on these forums that has left me so confused about a lifestyle as yours.

You have a lot of sexual encounters - sex toys,  visits to sex shops,  "intimacy with your boyfriend" - but after 11 years you're almost 30 and you've never had coitus with him.  As much focus as you have in your life on sexual behavior,  you've never done the simple act of having coitus and now you're almost 30 and you've been with this guy since you were a schoolgirl.  You gloss over that point at the very very end of long,  informative posts as if it were a mere after thought,  something unimportant but it's the most unusual thing you have in your life,  imho.  Have you told your therapist you don't have sex with your boyfriend,  just 11 years of sexual behaviors that don't culminate in sex?

So I guess I'm curious about specifically what you are trying to accomplish in therapy?

Best wishes -
8256587 tn?1399901106
Thanks for your reply.

I was with my first boyfriend from 1999-2003.

I then met my current boyfriend in 2002 but we started dating after me and my ex split in 2003. We are still together and have not had sex/coitus as he is a Christian.

So no I have not been with him since I was a schoolgirl.

Yes, my therapist knows I have not had sex.

Sorry, I am simply respecting my boyfriend's wishes not to have sex before marriage. It is his choice, not mine.

What I am trying to accomplish is why I have so many mixed up feelings with my sexuality and why I cannot forget the assault in 2001 when I was abroad.
13167 tn?1327197724
I don't now how long you've been seeing your therapist,  but did he/she mention the idea of "smothering the baby" to you?  When you said the bartender was a really nice guy to your mother,  that's called "smothering the baby".  You were hurt and angry that he treated you like that so you made up a better story about it and that's what you told.  Like a person retelling  accidentally leaving their childhood dog outside with no water and it died,  the person might retell that they came home just in the nick of time and were able to get the dog water after all. It's a way of coping with something you wish you had handled differently.

When I was young,  I was a bit like you in that I didn't feel comfortable telling men to get their hands off me.  I don't know why I didn't do it - I saw other girls handle those situations with poise and assertiveness.  "Stop touching me" "Get your hands off me" were things that I couldn't say although I hated being sexually touched.  And THAT is what sticks with me when I recall those incidents - WHY DIDN'T I HAVE THE GUTS TO PUT A  STOP TO THAT??  Why did I watch other girls handle it so well and I was so weak and just would sit there silently or try to move their hands off meekly,  and no one in the room would be fully aware I was being molested.

So I think that's what's bothering you,  too.  It wasn't the sexual touching - it was that you didn't do anything at all about it and even told your mother he was nice.

I don't know what your future plans are with your boyfriend,  and whether you intend to get married but I would go forward very cautiously with that. I'm a Christian myself,  so I get wanting to follow the laws,  but men with a healthy hetersexual sexuality don't purposely go 12 years without sex if they've got a wiling  woman they care about offering it to them.  Just a thought -



Best wishes.
3060903 tn?1398568723
Ii'm so glad that you're currently in therapy. I'm wondering whether a female therapist might be a better fit for you and whether you might be more comfortable opening up on these issues? It's your right to ask for a change.

I'm also wondering why you have 3 sessions left, and what will happen exactly at that point.

I think you should try to talk about all the incidents as you've done here with your therapist. You don't have to wait for the best time to divulge all information for them. The more they know, the better plan they will be able to make for you.

As for the 2001 incident, i'm so sorry that you were so violated and had no recourse. It would have helped immensely had you been able to talk to your mother and expose this man and see that their were consequences for his actions. When we don't we suffer from having no closure i'm afraid.
Was this a case of not being able to talk to your mother? I'm sure that this will come out in therapy if this is the case.

Also, your grandfather making you feel uncomfortable. Have you told your mother anything about her father's inappropriate conversations/leering at you? When you spoke of him looking at you, in the change room mirror, or looking at your breasts when in a towel etc. i thought that maybe it was not sexual, just looking. Even the comment he made about well formed breasts, i suppose a person could see that as an old timer talking about a women's body as one would a horse, but if he said the word .. t i t s, then that's wrong and demeaning. When you said that he asked about the toys and how they felt, that's when it drove it home that this man is totally wrong in the way he's thinking and speaking to his grandchild.

The incident that happened when you were 13 and your cousin was 6 is odd behavior. Perhaps you were a personality type that did what was asked of you without thinking, or judging. I take it the unacceptable behavior that your grandfather exhibited happened after you were 13, so i'm not quite sure what was happening, other than what i stated about your going along with what others asked of you, without question.

I'm glad that you are working through this in therapy. I hope that you keep us posted on how you are doing ,and how the treatment that you're receiving in working for you. You have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about. As i said earlier, i'm wondering why you weren't able to talk to your mom openly, in 2001, or about your grandfather.That's the biggest question on my mind after your post.
8256587 tn?1399901106
I am no longer inclined to reply to answers on this post.
13167 tn?1327197724
Charli,  I don't know where in this thread a nerve was hit,  but that's exactly where you need to go to search for your answers.  This is why you have been in therapy and it isn't helping - because you're running in the opposite direction when you discover something that resonates with you.

If you don't face whatever it is that's made you no longer inclined to reply,  you will never find the answers you think you want.  You want to feel better,  but it won't happen without walking through the fire.

Best wishes.
Avatar universal
Relax do pranayama check in you most powerful methods you can acheive anything
Avatar universal
Write this down or print it and present it. Some people cant talk directly to another person. Put an object in the therapy room and talk tot hat instead of the counselor or use a journal to speak. I suggested this to my friend who was raped by her dad and she finally successsfully went through therapy at 32 for what happened at 17. Its and old post but if you see this and it works for you I'm glad. As for questioning sexuality that is ok too. Just religious nuts pound morals into you that are not necessarily right. Accept yourself and love yourself. You sill be much happier.
Avatar universal
Also not everyone enjoys sex and not everyone enjoys sex all the time. All the other things you do with your significant other is just fine so long as you are both consenting adults which you are. Forcing yourself to do things you are not comfortable with to please your significant other may cause more harm than good. Coitus isn't a necessary part of a relationship. Pleanty of people enjoy kissing, cuddling, foreplay, toys, ssxy showers, etc. It sounds like you have a supportive partner and you should keep being true to yourself.
Avatar universal
Sexuality and what you feel attracted to is fluid and does not have to be labeled. You have been through a lot and it may take awhile to work your way to it, but you should get therapy that you find helps or someone you can confide in.
Avatar universal
Pakkun you are on the wrong path here...she is very sexualized women,but hers alleged boyfriend keeps her on a short leash here,ordering no sex,and that is why she has all that issues,she is unfulfilled and unsatisfied with her life .Just to back up this statement...I know only few regular people that uses sex toys at all,not to say souch overtly, and even fewer that go to sexs shops. On the other hand she has a boyfriend that is devoted beliver...so put 2and2 together..he is just one more abuser in my eyes.If he was such a prude,he would not let her be so sexualized,aka. girlfriend that needs to experience regullary vaginal orgazams,or sex at all...because it is not what Church wants,in the eyes of that institution, it would be nothing less than cheating...And belive it or not,life without sex is not that hard at all,take it from me..And no metter what one would say,sex is also a sheere habit.
So now we go to the point..she is only a litlle spoiled,so she makes a fuss around thing that happens regularry,I mean each of us has been in the situation more or less tragic,because of rude boyfriend,but she was a bit too young and of course that behaviour of that Turkish guy was owfull,but it was also sparken by licentious behaviour of her strange mother,that make this stupid young man try to take the advantage on the daughter...and it desrves concern of course.Mother is the number 1 to blame.Grandfather behaviour is also very uncommon,but in the light of mums ,and of course even of our heroine ,let us say taht it is  probably some genteic disorder. but it is not in such way to became dangerous to them or the people with them.I am sorry if I have hurt some feelings...like someone who said that she was rased in a quite modern ,let us say,uncoservative fashion,and she got  offended by that statement. ????Sorry but that is true,and she is trying to patch it up,by picking for herselfe a consrvative boy,but....there is allways but...he is probably some pervert or a person that is not  capable to have a normal sex life,because of his physical or mental disability.So my advice would be...be aware,and get yourselfe a real man,because you are a girl that cannot handel having no sex!!!Sorry,but...
Avatar universal
Show this expression to your therapist. I don't feel comfortable saying my thoughts outloud... when I have a problem getting tough thoughts out, I write it down and give to the person it's directed to. Sexual abuse at that age and hormones kicking all over the place at the same time, can cause confusion. That's why you don't experiment until you give yourself time to FIND YOU & HEAL.Focus on the solution, not the problem. Learn who you are without making major decisions that can and will affect the rest of your life
19496929 tn?1478793631
I know that this sounds extremely harsh and unfeeling, but you just need to get over it.  Your counselor / therapist can only do so much.  YOU need to begin seeing yourself not as a VICTIM, but a SURVIVOR.

I have been molested / raped at least four times in my life.  I am forty now and the first time was when I was around 6, by a neighbor.  I have still blocked out parts of what happened, but he took me into him home after days and days of giving me candy, and finally luring me in there.  Afterwards, it was my godfather who would rub himself against me and a couple of times got me to lie down with him on the couch while he rubbed his hard **** against my buttocks and ran his arms and hands against all of my front WHILE his wife and my parents were in the same house!  I think my parents or his wife realized what happened because after a big fight we never saw them again.  Third was when I was in my teens, by a family 'friend', fourth, at knifepoint, also in my teens.  

The first time I 'came out' about this was in the comments section of a news story about a little girl that had been molested, and one reply to me asked if I wore a sign asking to be molested.  Sick, huh?  People don't understand ... so back to what I was saying, YOU need to take your power back.  YOU need to be the one that takes what happened to you and know that you were pretty much a child and that things like this happen, and that you cannot give anyone more power over your life because YOU alone are master of what happens from this day forward.  

Best of luck.
Avatar universal
I am truly disgusted by the lack of empathy and understanding for this young lady. It is absolutely NOT normal for your grandfather to be making those comments to you and for your mother to allow you to be touched by that sick bartender. Honestly, WTF is wrong with that guy, really. I feel for you. I have also had similar experiences in my childhood that make it very hard for me to trust men, and as a result I feel sexual urges towards other women. You are not alone. Please get help and counseling and I hope eventually you will start to feel better, but in the meantime just know this is not your fault. Try not to feel guilty. I know it seems impossible but it will all be easier with time.
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