Avatar universal

I was "abused" as a child but I enjoyed it

My first sexual memory I can remember was when I was very young, around 5 years old. My next door neighbour would babysit me when my parents were away. On evenings when my parents would get back very late (they worked very late hours both as doctors) my neighbour (perhaps 12-14 years at the time?) would ask me if I wanted to do some "grown-up" activities, telling me that I had to keep it top secret and not tell anybody and that I could stop at any time if I didn't like it. Obviously wanting to know what he meant I was very curious and went along. He would pull down my pants and masturbate me gently. I didn't really know what was going on but was curious to let him handle me. All I remember was that he did to me felt amazing. I had never felt like that before so I let him touch me as he wished. As it was pleasurable, I didn't tell my parents or anyone else, as I didn't want it to stop. It got more involved as time went on. Soon I was doing the same to him and at the most involved stage, he would perform oral sex on me. It never went any further than that and at some stages when he babysat me and I refused his advances because I was tired or didn't feel like it, he would leave me be. We moved a few years later and I forgot about it completely. For years after I was intrigued over what happened.

When I was older, around 10 years, the same thing happened again. I had a friend who lived next door who was around 18 years. We were really good friends and I would often sleep over at his place while my parents worked late. As time went on, things became more and more sexual. Up until the point where I asked him if he wanted to touch me. Once again we would masturbate each other and perform oral sex. I don't know quite how to describe it, but it made me feel so much better about myself. That I could express myself in a way I didn't think possible. To let someone make me feel so good.  

Obviously years on, I understood what had actually happened, but I never told anyone. I wasn't scarred or emotionally changed at all. I actually enjoyed what happened. I know that this isn't normal and I haven't told anyone about what had happened, knowing that they would immediately jump to the conclusion that I was abused, when in fact, I enjoyed it. I just feel as though I had to get this out somewhere. Now myself, I would never try what happened to me on anyone, nor would I ever think of abusing anyone in anyway. People probably think that I would be completely messed up by now, but I am actually in my final year of business and accounting at college. In fact, I sometimes babysit my next door neighbours and my friends brother, but everything is strictly professional. I would never think of harming them in anyway or repeating what happened to me.

I just wonder if anyone has ever hone through something as similar as me and have felt the way I did? I know there's not a lot of info on this particular scenario, but it did get me wondering. Are there others who have gone through what I have? Please understand that this is the first time I have ever come forward with this. Thought I would finally get this off my chest.
16 Responses
Avatar universal
I think you were young and even though it felt good, that you didn't know any better. Things just led to another after the initial few moments.

Why do you want to get it off your chest now? Are you thinking more with what happened back then?

Are you male or female as I couldn't gauge that from your post?
I am male. Just wanted to see if anyone else has had a similar experience as myself that's all.
13167 tn?1327194124
There are a lot of inconsistencies in your post,  delver.  A lot.

Business and accounting?  Hm.  Interesting.  You don't hear that very often.

"We moved a few years later and I forgot about it completely. For years after I was intrigued over what happened".  

Interesting that two doctors (who both work late,  btw) would be ok with having a 12 year old boy babysit their child overnights.  Hmm.  Unusual.  

Not sure how that's inconsistent. Those details weren't the crux of my post.
Yes. Abuse is abuse. There are no excuses for it. A child might have a physical response in their bodies, and it might "feel good," but that child is still being abused, AND THIS INCLUDES experiencing pleasure at being abused. A child's psyche, ego, and brain development are inadequate to process sexual contact; this is why it is illegal! So the damage done here is that (IF we are to take your post at face value) you wonder if it harmed you. IF you have to wonder if it harmed you, well.
However, I would like to note the huge red flags and inconsistencies in your tale. It almost sounds as an apologia for sex with minors. There are (unfortunately) plenty of sick people who are proponents of this criminal activity. If YOU are one of them, then shame on you. One of the inconsistencies is where you wax on about how you have contact with minors, in the similar situation that you (seemingly fondly) recall yourself being in when you were sexually abused. And yes, once again, IT WAS ABUSE. So my answer is for anyone who might read your post, and be disturbed by it in more than one way.
What cruelty, and it is not too late to be reported to the authorities, and to give the deserved punishment to whoever made such a violation since childhood, to those who will not be there or will be doing such atrocities?
Avatar universal
I'm not really sure what to tell you. If you're not traumatized, enjoyed it and have no hard feelings then I guess you can't really call it abuse. Since it was gentle and not forced on you (would stop when you didn't want it etc.) I guess it wasn't really a traumatizing thing. You where pretty young but maybe it just counts as exploring? I'm not sure. But its how you feel about it that counts.
Abuse is abuse! Whether the perpetrator was * gentle * or violent. This person was still abused. Some of the language they use raises HUGE red flags for me, and I am someone with more than one avenue of experience with this issue. And, as someone with a background in education and English, WORD CHOICE  and other mannerisms of this post are what raise these red flags. It smacks of a victimizer narrative.
Avatar universal
It is ok to have enjoyed it at the time - that doesn't make you weird, only human. It is more common for males than females to enjoy being sexually abused since men tend to be aroused by sight and touch where as women tend to be more aroused by smell and fantasy fulfillment. Lot's of children do "sex play" or experimenting however even if you FELT at the time it was more of a friends with benefits situation, it is good that now you realize that true child experimentation is usually done with other children no more than 2-3 years age difference. These older boys were taking advantage of you and if the 18 was caught should have been charged! You are certainly not alone in the aspect that it felt good at the time, at that age it also doesn't determine whether you will be LGBTQ. Talk to other men about it if need be but not anyone under 18. It is good you are not assuming that it would be ok for you to repeat with someone younger as for they would be a different person and most likely would feel ABUSED. You should talk to a therapist about your feelings towards the emotional side ie these young men broke your trust and used you! But, if you can enjoy a normal enjoyable sex life now then be happy your experiences weren't worse, you made it through, you survived, you learned from it and you can and probably will one day help another young adult deal with his mixed feelings regarding his similar feelings.
Similar experiences lol sorry
As a person who has been abused from the age of 3 to 11, You was abused.  Regardless if you enjoyed it or not. This what make it confusing to most kids that being abused is that they don’t understand why they like it. They feel guilty and feel it’s their fault as result 90% of abuse are never reported. They are stages in development and at the time of your abuse you were younger and haven’t developed to the level of the 12 year old or later the 18 year old. Because of this you were not in the mature enough to give your consent properly or legally even if you asked them to do it to you and you like it. The fact that you now babysit and you feel strongly that you would never do to these kids what was done to you shows that you are aware that what was done to you was wrong. Because the experience wasn’t traumatic you were able to coped. It is more difficult to coped when the experience was traumatic. Considering yourself as one of the 1 % who was not mentally, emotionally and physically changed because of this experience.
Avatar universal
I had similar experience. I am a female, I was three at that time and it was happening with a girl, the same age. She initiated it. As it was in our kindergarten, my parents found out. They asked me whether something really happened and as a child I only understood they were angry and scared and that I should not have done this. I became scared of intimacy of any form, also had a problem determining my sexuality later on. When I was around 14 all my friends were entering relationships etc, discovering what they like but in my mind it was always something bad, something I was scared of, so I didn’t even talk about it with anyone. At some point I started realising that I fancy females and it scared me completely and caused depression and me backing out of the society. I started accepting it when I was 19, I changed the places where I was living, people around me were different and for the first time I was able to slowly talk about it. I am 21 right now, without going into details I’ll just say my reactions to sexual situations are still not “normal” and I still think there’s a long way to go for me but at least I understand it all more.
Avatar universal
Like the other post said before me, I think you were young and you didn’t know better. Sometimes people forget that the body has a mind of its own, so when your body thinks something feels good, your mind can say otherwise. You know it’s bad but at the same time it feels good. It all can be confusing but all you need to know it that you think for yourself, not your body, penis, vagina, or any other sensitiv part of your body. But you were young and you didn’t know any better, but hopefully as you got older you knew it wasn’t right to do it to others children.
Avatar universal
You were normal for feeling pleasure,you are normal for feelling confused,it is not a big deal,it happens to many children but they store in in their minds and it comes out once in a long time,my suggestion is do not about it,or delve in to it too much ,nothing positive can come from it
Just know that people responding care about you,including my self ,you are a sincere ,intellegent and full of emotions
Avatar universal
I have been on both sides of this scenario when I was a pre-teen/Teen. Sexual exploration is very normal at that age. I think the biggest majority of people have experienced some form of this as a child/Pre-teen or teenager. I have to say I rather enjoyed my experiences and I believe myself to be very normal.
Avatar universal
Finally, someone who has gone through the same! I've always been ashamed and embarrassed for what I had gone through but I feel less alone now that you have opened up about the same experience. When I was very young in elementary school, I was friends with these two older girls. I'd say they were like 5 or so years older than me. They would come over my house and put me in a closet and undress me and I enjoyed it. I always felt sick and disgusting for the fact that I enjoyed it but thank you so much for opening up.
20825142 tn?1526175982
I know it's been over a year but I do understand what you're talking about this sorta thing happened between me and this girl I used to know (I'm a girl as well) but we would do those same things and I liked it so I continued doing it and no one ever found out and I don't think it's wrong either I did it because I wanted to
Avatar universal
When I was eight years old I had three cousins that at different times used to molest me and I actually liked it and found it pleasurable as well so I’m glad I’m not alone because I always feel extremely guilty and shame for that  so I’m glad to see that I’m not alone
20820562 tn?1524877846
Hi honey...please don't feel badly by what anyone has said to you. When you are a child and don't know any better, it's still inappropriate behavior because someone is taking advantage of you who was old enough to know better. I am glad you were not hurt. You were obviously touched gently and those feelings are real, it's a physical response and you are not to blame for enjoying how it felt. Once that feeling is turned on it doesn't turn off which is why you became a victim again. You liked the special attention, and it felt good. That was NOT your fault. Your body responded. Any fault lies with the older people who engaged in the activity with you because they knew better, on the other hand, it had probably been done to them as well when they were younger. I am sorry people seem to judge you.
Avatar universal
As I was scrolling through the comments, I was surprised to not see someone speak my own thoughts on this. It isn't surprising that you liked your initial experience, due to the person being gentle with you and stopping or not doing anything when you didn't want to. That takes away the trauma factor, but doesn't make it not abuse. The person was old enough to know what they were doing was not what they should have been doing, and told and did what they needed to you in order to get what they wanted from you with minimal risk of being caught.. By the second person, you had the idea in your head that it was a fun thing to do.. But the 18 year old should have most definitely known better. In short, you were taken as advantage of, and the first person also used manipulation to make you feel safe and not get caught.
Avatar universal
You WERE abused. The enjoyment ofr pleasure you may have felt is irrelevant. The idea that your parents would allow a sleep over with an unrelated 18 year old unsupervised  is shocking to me. I m sorry to say that these circumstances make it clear  you were grossly let down by your parents who chose career over parenting.  Particularly now that you have opened up the subject, I  suggest you immediately consult  with a professional who specializes in working with adults who experienced childhood sexual abuse. As you mature, possibly marry and have children I can nearly guarantee this will raise itself again if not addressed now.  
I want to be very gentle as anyone responding should.   I agree that this was abuse in that you were clearly taken advantage of.  I do think it's unfair and possibly irresponsibly to point the blame finger at your parents.   If you gave them no indication there was anything wrong and you were left with someone you and they trusted they are not necessarily to blame.   This is something that more details would be needed on.  If you do seek professional help I would discuss all details to see if there is anything you need to work through as far as unresolved anger towards your parents for not better taking care of you.   As far as the pleasure part being odd, it absolutely is not and you shouldn't feel like you responded incorrectly.   Women being raped can have an orgasm.   This usually leads to feelings of guilt and shame and sometimes makes them question if it is rape at all.  Our bodies are built to respond to stimuli.  We physically cannot help it. But the physical pleasure by no means is an indication of whether what is happening is abuse or not.  My guess is you felt physically pressured,  trusted the person so rationalized it as not being abuse.   Now that you are older it is coming up again because your strong enough to "deal with it" and to recognize it as abuse.   I totally agree that you should seek out someone who specializes in early childhood secual trauma.   Your offenders knew better.  That being said everyone deals with these traumas differently.   Some people are effected negatively the rest of their lives. Others can with through it quite quickly.   Don't let anyone tell you that you should be feeling something different or you need to do years of therapy.   Just make sure you are being honest with yourself.   As was said, this may come up at different stages one your life like in a new relationship or when you have children of your own.  You were abused.   You just need to figure out how it has affected you,  how it is affecting you and to be able to recognize if it affects you in the future.   Most importantly,  be honest with yourself.   Today it might not feel like abuse.   Tomorrow it might.  See someone.   Many blessings to you.   Good luck
Avatar universal
I had a very similar experience that started around 5 but with my neighboors, who were a couple with three older daughters. They even spoke with my parents about adopting me. I distinctly remember getting a bath from the husband and him dismissing my sister so he could touch me. I remember loving him and feelings of sexual desire as well as orgasms when he was touching me. This went on like a relationship with the couple and a few times with the sisters as well until I was 10. I would have loved having been adopted by them. They were very welcome and wanted sexual experiences.
Avatar universal
Hi Delver, I hope this message can reach you even it is 2018 already hahaha. I'm Clyde and had also gone through the same experience when I was 8. But I guess it affects us both differently. Where I find it pleasurable but know later in life that I was abused. Well, happily, both of us did the same thing by not doing it to others. But I am more drawn to older guys not the younger ones. But still I need to get some help. Have a great life and let us help these children who is being abuse now. Sorry for my english .
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