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Avatar universal

I'm torn about my family

In the past week, my 13 year old son was arrested for sexual assualt and molestation of a child, my 5 year old stepdaughter. He admitted to doing it. Not just curious but he according to testimony raped her. My husband is her father and we have a child in common that is 1.5 years old. I am very worried and torn. My son and I were all we had as his father had stepped out of his life for a long time and had slowly reentered. My son has undiagnosed Asperger's, previous symptoms of ADHD. My husband wants him fully proecuted and I understand, but this is also my son. We've been told he may not face any jail time due to his mental state and his age as well of his previous victim status. My hubby and his ex wants maximum sentence and we know we both need counseling on this issue. I have to pick between one child or the other. I don't know if he will be able to accept the fact that his mommy has had to choose the other family so he can get help. I don't think he did anything to his younger brother as he loves him but I question it as does others. Everyone I talk to tells me they would not trade me places for nothing but that they agree he is still my son and he needs help. I can't even stop thinking about him to think even once about my stepdaughter and this puts my husband in a place that he thinks I don't care, especially since I'm a social worker. I've worked with children and adults of domestic violence and abuse. I've been trainied to show that you can show no emotions while someone is telling you their story, and I feel that this is what is kicking in, as I've already gone thourhg my hysterical state the first 2 days that this was brought to our attention. I'm looking for some help from somewhere whether local or not, a support group for mothers of teenage sexual deviant children and how they cope with this.
8 Responses
535822 tn?1443980380
Words cannot express my feelings I am so sorry this has happened to you and your Family ,I will attempt to tell you what I think and please feel you can come to chat anytime there are good folks here be glad to lend a sympathetic ear,  you can also PM me if you wish to. I do agree that you are still his Mother, and if you can get him help it would be best for you all to do so, certainly the aurthoriteis will want him in Therapy, Have you any knowledge if your son himself could have been a vicitm of abuse, this may be taken into consideration if he was and it was a learned behavior. Is he in foster care or a childs protective programme? I am sure you are aware that sometimes the meds given to children for ADHD have side effects ,aggression and other behaviors so I also suggest you speak to his Doctor regarding that.possibility.I will put child support into goole and your Twon which you note on your profile see what comes up, maybe ask child services for help also. Come back let us know how you are coping I will send you a PM
535822 tn?1443980380
Sorry key board problems, its google as you know, put your town in...
Avatar universal
I agree, that this is so sad, but he went this long without abusing her, one never knows, to your knowledge has he had sex with anyone, i feel for both of you, but this little girls life is now scarred forever, so this is going to be rough on the marriage and lots of therapy for all, was your son in treatment for his disorder. all i can do is pray that all of this will turn out to be ok, i do feel for all of you, but my heart goes out to this small girl.   luck to all  jo
Avatar universal
He is not on medications. He has had a history of being abused himself during visits at his dad's but he was around 3/4 years old. I've been told that because of his age, there would be no jail but then there is a facility in this state that I have never heard anything good about that you can go in as a child and come out something worse. His public defender agrees that the best thing is for him to get help, and she agrees we also need it. My infant, at least I feel, is missing his brother as they played together all the time, not like the other sibling as she is not always with us for lengths of time. After the statement was read to me of what happened, I'm not entirely sure it was rape, as much as my inlaws have stated. Although I see their point of view, she did not deserve this, I still look at it that there are other issues as I feel she had already been a victim of seeing things previously as well as being touched prior to this happening. In other words, I'm not so sure she did it unwillingly and I know that doesnt' make it better.
Avatar universal
While my heart goes out to all concerned, I see a 5 yr old child and a 13 year old child. The 5 yr old has no comprehension of what this is actually all about, and may mimic what she has witnessed, true enough. However, I feel a 13 year old boy should know at least some of how serious this is. There is an 8 year difference between the two after all. Both children are going to need intense therepy and yes, the boy should be held accountable for his actions. I do not believe in jail time necessarily as I think that is a waste of time and will make things much worse. However, mandatory therepy as well as curfew and not being allowed to be alone with children younger than him would be appropriate. Probation should not be out of the question either. Thanks be to God that when a child reaches legal age, his juvinile record will be sealed anyway, so this should not effect his adult life unless there is another incident. I think Mom and Dad are going to suffer moreso in this one than anyone, longterm that is. I am so glad mine are grown.
Avatar universal
I have been thinking on this, and i feel that teko is right, but i also feel that a boy does not feel like he has done wrong when he has sex, and forgets easily, where this 5 year old may never forget, i just hope that he is not allowed around other girls, as he may just repeat this, it does seem no matter what is wrong with a male they still think of sex, also i would have the younger brother checked out, to make sure he is ok, I know that you love your son and want to protect him, but you have to-realize that the dad and mom are thinking of their little girl, and you cant blame them, you can not protect your son all of his life.  luck to all  jo
535822 tn?1443980380
I believe you said the 5 year old girl is your step daughter so she is also part of your family and one assumes she will also be receiving appropiate help for her young age . Let us know what happens and good luck ,
319399 tn?1254535281
Adding to what the others have said, Please accept my sympathies for all that has happened. I know this cannot be an easy position to be placed in and i do feel it for both children. Did your son receive help for his past abuse? Did the person who did it to him pay? or is he another small child stuck in a 13 year old body? Is your son acting like his age? Yes a 13 year old should be able to tell the difference between what is right or wrong in this case but is he a normal 13 year old? Do you know the impact that his experience had on him? How do you know he is not just acting out what was done to him? ( A cry for help maybe?) I am just trying to see things from all angles here.

People who have been abused ( no matter what age) react to the abuse differently. There are also evidence which shows that some persons who are sexual abusers have been abused themselves. For the abuser wanting to change is usually not enough to be able to change the patterns that lead to sexual offenses. To create the motivation to change, some offenders need a variety of treatment and corrective interventions, and for others learning how to make the change in their own behavioral cycle of abuse is more effective.

Also
Recent studies show that rates of physical and sexual abuse vary widely for adolescent sex offenders; 20 to 50% of these youth experienced physical abuse and approximately 40 to 80% experienced sexual abuse (Hunter and Becker, 1998). While many adolescents who commit sexual offenses have histories of being abused, the majority of these youth do not become adult sex offenders (Becker and Murphy, 1998). Research suggests that the age of onset and number of incidents of abuse, the period of time elapsing between the abuse and its first report, perceptions of how the family responded to the disclosure of abuse, and exposure to domestic violence all are relevant to why some sexually abused youths go on to sexually perpetrate while others do not (Hunter and Figueredo, in press).

( I am now doing my major research thesis on sexual abuse in children please PM me if you need more informatiob)
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