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Avatar universal

Is this a form of abuse?

I am 30 and I have moved on with my life except for this one thing. When I was a teenager (around 15 or so to be exact) my mothers husband would go outside to smoke his cigarettes. My aunt stayed with us one time and caught him spying on us through the window. Turns out he had been doing this for a long time. He was very sneaky and acted like nothing happened. This went on until I moved out at 18.  I have confronted him on this right before I left. He acted like it never happen even though I caught him several times. I have two other sisters he did this to also. We made this known to my mother yet she was in denial at the damage it could do. My mother is still married to this man and we still have to run into him because he actually goes to the same giant church I attend with my family. I hate him for what he did and I hate how he has never has come to me as an adult to apologize for his behavior in the past. I might add that he has an addiction to porn to this day. I just cannot get past this. So my question is this, how do I get past this and is this classified as abuse? Should I expect him to ever come to me and say he is sorry? Until I get these answers I have to swallow my pride and hold back my anger. Help me understand please.
Best Answer
757137 tn?1347196453
We all handle problems in different ways. If it were me I would wait for one of his social evenings and then say, so that others could hear,  something like, "Do you still sneak outside and look through windows at naked young girls?" But that's me. Revenge is sweet, and I believe in it totally.
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757137 tn?1347196453
Just to show you that I put my action where my mouth is, many years ago I was watching an old foreign film in an art museum. My boyfriend was sitting on my left. A man came and sat on my right. Eventually he began edging closer and closer to me. Finally he put his hand on my thigh. So I said in a loud and clear voice that the whole theater could hear, "Whoever you are, please take your hand off my leg." The creep scuttled off as fast as his creepy little legs could carry him. I handled situations this way because (1) I refuse to be a victim, and (2) humiliating the humiliator will make him think twice before molesting another woman.

When you fight back. Bang! That is the end of it. No scar on your psyche. And a big smile on my face.

Where was my boyfriend in all this? He did not know what was happening until I spoke out. He was a little upset that I drew attention to myself. Go figure.
Helpful - 0
535822 tn?1443976780
Now you explain more I do think it sounds like he was indeed a pervert.. it is long past time to try to get it and him out of your mind , do you have to go near him ?
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Avatar universal
without being specific.. we were getting ready for bed. He would listen to when our mom would tell us to either get ready for bed or change to go swimming or whatever, take showers. we had no idea until my Aunt exposed the situation. And I dont know what damage has been done to my sisters but I am certainly nervous around all men.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
He did it again because he was sneaky. When I was told to go to bed by our mom, he would go outside and "smoke". Even though we could hear him, we did not put it together. we were little girl. my younger sister was 8 to give you an idea. We were clueless.
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Avatar universal
We never had curtains, just blinds, verticles in both of the homes we lived in. We did not know this was possible as little girls. We, my sisters and I, did not really understand until we were older, what was going on to even have the courage to approach our mother. This was very scary because we were coming to her with a big accusation! She decided it was no big deal apparently, based on her reaction. I think I was eleven when my oldest sister went to our mother. We all have really held in our anger towards our mother for letting it go on for so long. And for those who have never had a peeping tom looking in at you, please go outside your home at night, look in any window you want when the lights are on inside. You will be surprised what you are able to see. You can do the best to cover your windows but if you had verticles like we did it can only hide so much. And yes he is a pervert to me. I do not let my kids go near him or hug him. This is what I choose to do to not repeat history and be like my mom. I think what bothers me the most is how he has a high rank socially and how he is so respected and loved by his family acquaintances and basically anyone who does not know how he treated us girls as kids. I understand he not being our real father may not respect us as we grew into women but to pretend it never happened, that is hurtful. I have thought to seek counselling for this mostly anger management.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
I agree that the stepdad was a pervy Peeping Tom.  But what he did is bothering the o.p. a lot, maybe not enough to cause 'psychological damage' but enough that it would not hurt to talk to a counselor to get past it.  Therapists or counselors are very helpful for someone who has a normal life and needs to get past a bump in the road or a serious grudge.  They can give a dispassionate second opinion about whether one is overreacting or whether the person's reaction is legitimate, and they can help the person determine the dignified way past the anger.  Thing about this guy that makes it worse than just some a.h. brushing up against a woman in the subway is that he was in the role of parent.  They aren't supposed to be a pervy Peeping Tom to children under their roof.  A trust relationship was being implied and being violated (apparently continuously) against kids who had no protection against it, and were in fact trapped in the situation by their mom's apparent insistence that everyone stay including him.  That's worth at least one talk with a counselor, just to sort out the anger.  I'd find the man repugnant, too, and would want to find a way out of that emotion so I could get on with my life.  Talking to someone about how to do that might save a lot of time.
Helpful - 0
757137 tn?1347196453
I don't know that I would call this abuse. Your step-father was a pervy peeping tom. A nasty business, but not severe enough to cause psychological damage. Just as some joker pinching you in the subway, or "accidentally" bumping up against you, may enrage you, it does not cause irreparable harm. Were that not the case, all women would be in therapy.

And again - why didn't you keep your curtains closed?

Helpful - 0
535822 tn?1443976780
How could he do it again once you knew about it. couldnt you put blinds up to prevent him ,what did your Mom have to say about it, did she confront him ?
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
What was he spying on,  where there weren't curtains covering the windows?

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Avatar universal
Thanks for the post. And I have considered a little therapy.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
I would not expect him to ever come to you and say he is sorry, not that he shouldn't be but it sounds like he is in denial.  As for how to get past it, I would talk to a therapist.  It would creep me out, too.
Helpful - 0
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