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My story *triggering*

At church the day before my 15th birthday, I went into a dark classroom without turning the light on. I just wanted my pencil, and I wasn’t too afraid of the dark. Then it happened. I was pushed to the floor, and before I knew it I was having sex. Sex I didn’t want.

Church school was weekly on thursdays. And so was sex. At first it was all the same, but then it started changing. I guess he invited another guy to participate. I called to my friend. I just wanted to be safe, but I don’t know why I thought she could help. And I will always blame myself for what happened next. They got her too.

It continued wvery week. Until we had a plan to tell out parents. She told her parents, but they didn’t believe her, and made her go apologize at the teachers house. She called me and warned me not to tell my parents. So I didn’t.

I don’t remember if the teacher was one of the guys. I remember thinking he was. He’s the one we accused in our minds. And how could I not remember something like that. Well I know the lights were often off, but when they were on a few times I remember it as a person without a face. It’s not that he had a mask, but it’s like my mind refuses to remember.

It happened repeatedly with 1-3 people against us 2. And one of them was always sickly sweet to me. The one I think was the teacher. After the guys would be rough with me, he would come over and touch me more softly cooing over me and telling me he was there now and I would be safe. Sick

One day they came and I think there was a fourth guy. Although it could have been one of the normal ones. Anyway this one had a gun. He put the gun inside of me. He laughed at my fear. He told me how scared and weak I was. The other guy, the cooing one, yelled at him and told him the gun wasn’t allowed there. A fight broke out between them. After much yelling the gun was put away I think. Then the cooing guy came over and asked me if I was ok. He told me he was there now, and that nothing bad would happen. Of course he had sex with me while telling me this.

This ended when I was 16. During summers though he would taunt us, show up in my friends front yard while we were there. He would tell us how he was going to kill our families if we didn’t behave in a way he wanted. I Moved away when I was 16.

Years later I had a head injury. I was institutionalized. My first night in the institution a drugged or drunk, not sure which,  woman came in my room. She walked straight over to me, and slid her hand under my shirt. She touched my breasts. I’m not sure why, but I laid there still in quiet. I wasn’t restrained in any way, but still I just laid there in shock of what was going on. Also my brain wasn’t quite right at the time. I was all kinds of confused. About twenty minutes later a man came in and pulled her away. Asking her to go home  he seemed aware of what she had done. But nothing more came of it. Little did I know that this was a preview of things to come.

After my head injury I gained a lot of weight. I’m actually thankful because this fact probably saved me a lot of pain. Unfortunately for the thinner more attractive females this wasn’t the case. My roommate was touched by one of the staff repeatedly. I was there, and I was terrified. I thought it wAs like my worst nightmare starting again. This man told me if I told anyone, I’d be next. After he left I asked my roommate about what was happening, even though I had basically witnessed it. Unfortunately my roommates memory was terrible. Within twenty minutes of it happening she wouldn’t remember. But she would be in pain. I did tell another staff, a female staff what happened, they told someone else, and then nothing was ever done. Thankfully me telling did not get back to him. He continued to touch her, and I could do nothing about it.

Another instance I went into a room that another client was in, but I walked in on a staff having sex with a client. I wanted to tell. I should have told. But I didn’t. These kinds of things were everywhere in this facility. The facility was finally shut down.

The next facility I was in wasn’t any better. Constant verbal abuse, some physical, and mild sexual abuse. That is until one of the male clients showed up in my room when I was sleeping. His pants were down and he was on top of me. I kicked him off, and told him I wouldn’t tell as long as he stopped. Stupid me. He went upstairs s d had sex with another client who was completely immobile. My fault again. The state has been brought in multiple times to that place, and that place too was shut down.

Now I am in a good place. I’m safe. Finally truly safe. From everything except my mind. Every idle moment this is in my thoughts. I can’t escape.

I also can’t tell anyone. I have a psychiatrist and a psychologist. But because I am a ward of the state, anything I say would be brought back to my guardians. And I will do anything to protect them from the knowledge of what happened.

That’s my story.
2 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
I am so very sorry for all you have gone through. My heart goes out to you.  I am so pleased to hear you are somewhere safe and feel good about this.  I think it is only natural that you will be triggered and have a rush of memory, emotion come back to you.  Is there not some sort of privacy rule for you?  What you tell your psychiatrist/psychologist is private?
20834031 tn?1528456408
My heart breaks for you and I am completely devastated by the fact, that people claiming faith in God could do such a horrible thing. I want you to know that not all Christians are bad people and those people did not represent Christianity or God. I have a question for you if you do not mind. Has all of this caused you to hate the church, Christians, or God?
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