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Avatar universal

Need help to protect a 3 year old from her abusive Father

Please help: Trying to help a friend protect her 3 year old Daughter from an abusive Father and I can use some advice to help them through this issue.

For the last few months, the child has been saying that her Father has been hurting her private parts, not rape just aggressively molesting so the rape kits done by the hospital came back negative from the Hospital. This of course has embolden the Father and he has continued the abuse and it's getting worse (recently she disclosed that he is forcing her to eat her own poo and when he leaves a bruise, he alleges very aggressively that the Mother did it).

And worse: There has been incidents where the Daughter came back from visitation with him (over the weekends) with irritation, bleeding, bruising, etc., but he has used every excuse in the book (quite literally saying a book fell on her vagina, among other excuses) to make it seem like he is innocent and then turned the abuse allegations against the mother. He is now suing for full-custody in a custody battle that has the Mother extremely nervous because now he alleging parental alienation against the Mother. He has been suing for full-custody ever since the Child was born.

They have a Parental Agreement that was court ordered that is forcing the Daughter to go with him every weekend. He himself has done things in violation of other parts this Parental Agreement, but since the Agreement is Court Ordered he continuously uses it as a way to get the Child & continue the abuse despite not following other provisions in the Agreement.

How can they protect the child when there is a court ordered agreement that the Father gets the daughter every weekend? Is there a safe way to withhold visitation? She is nervous to withhold again because she doesn't want 3 strikes and the possibility of the abusive Father getting full custody because she withheld the Child. What would be a good strategy to take to protect this child?

The Mother has already opened up a few DCFS cases, gone to numerous hospital visits and even talked to the police (I am now tempted to go to the FBI but that might be too much); but the case is not being investigating quick enough to protect the Child as the Father is very good at covering his tracks. He basically abuses the Child, and then uses the abuse as an attack against the Mother. The Daughter is comfortable talking to her Mom about it and other Family members, but has not been comfortable enough to disclose to DCFS or any investigator / authority who can help.

Would a Child Psychologist be able to work with the 3 year old to get to the bottom of this? Could that be used in Court to prevent the Child from being forced to sleep over with the Father?

What about a Pediatrician who specializes with this type of abuse? Can anyone recommend a directory to find such a professional?

The Mother already has a Lawyer and the Child has a Guardian Ad Litem, but there isn't any clear direction of what to do to prevent the Daughter from being forced to go to the Father's house and continuously get abused. The Father is very aggressive with wanting even more time (he is suing for full-custody), and this is becoming extremely detrimental to the child. With each week that goes by that she has to go with him, the situation is getting worse and worse and the Mother is at a loss on to how to protect her child.

It is extremely tragic that the law would force a Child to go with an abusive parent, but that is exactly what is happening. How can the Mother protect this child better? Continuing to let the Child go with the Father just to wait for more evidence to get collected very much seems like enabling the abuse and I would like a better option on what to do.

Please advise! ... Thank-you!
14 Responses
134578 tn?1602101550
Does she have a Court Appointed Special Advocate?  Has the mother videotaped her child saying what happened to her at her father's house?  Has the mother hired a private investigator?
3060903 tn?1398565123
Ditto, a picture is worth a 1000 words. Get it on video tape. Great advice AnnieBrooke. Once it's on tape, then you have a case for fulll custody with no visitation, a criminal proceeding against the father, and only supervised visitation if the father has paid for his past mistakes criminally and has gone through extensive rehabilitation.

Because the child IS comfortable talking about this openly (on tape), she will save herself. It is very difficult to coach a child about sexual abuse at age 3. so there will likely be a positive outcome.

Please let us know how the videotaping goes, and further what the courts will do with it.

This child needs a child psychologist immediately upon your giving them the videotape.
3060903 tn?1398565123
And worse: There has been incidents where the Daughter came back from visitation with him (over the weekends) with irritation, bleeding, bruising, etc.,

You take videos of the child with the newspaper (proof of date) before she goes to her dad and then afterwards.

Did you get the bleeding from her vagina???? on tape or in pictures? Did she go to the hospital when it happened ?
Avatar universal
Yes. But we had the hospital document it. We have been wary of doing any video taping ourself because 1 privacy of the child and 2 the abusive father is alleging the mother is coatching the daughter into say it & we don't want for it to seem that way at all. ... How would you recommend doing such an interview/ documentation? Just the daughter talking to the point briefly, or maybe a group setting with people who she is comfortable opening up to? She has opend up to mother's father & family about it in private.
Avatar universal
It's extremely tragic how mothers are treated in this situation. Even 20/20 did an exposé last night on how mothers who go forward with abuse charges to a judge sometimes get thrown in jail themselves while the abuser gets the child. How and why is this happening in our society?? This is why this case is so difficult. We definitely do not want this monster to get full custody. The DCFS agents and the guardian ad litum are either overworked or have no clue how to protect children. Are there any other avenues we can take? Someone recommend to me to take this all the way up to the FBI sex crimes division, would that help or hurt her case?
1 Comments
yes, it would help. I would also suggest talking to your member of parliament.
13167 tn?1327194124
So the hospital has documented bleeding and bruising on her vagina?  I'm just trying to be clear.

Is her guardian ad litem a CASA volunteer?  (Sorry to echo Annie's question).  You get a CASA volunteer in there,  and the truth will very likely come out,  whatever it is.

Best wishes.  Are you grandma?
3060903 tn?1398565123
I think we need to hear what were the circumstances when this baby girl "opened up" about the abuse exactly? How many times it happened. What you did on each event.  Therein lies the answers to your questions about video taping. Simply, have a hidden video camera easily able to be turned on, in case the child opens up and talks about what has happened on the visitation.
Avatar universal
have the camera fixed by specialized policemen or technicians, have them tried before use , it's an expense worth it
Sorry for my English, I am Italian
I cannot think  this hideous crime can go on being perpetrated in this very moment . Tape his house, this is destroying the little girl psichologically day by day! Something has to be done right now.. I am putting myself in this mother's shoes .. It s unbearable
1 Comments
The problem with video taping like this is that here in the State or Illinois it is illegal to record someone without their consent. If done the wrong way it could put the whole custoday case at risk.
3060903 tn?1398565123
It seems very odd that a parent cannot video and audio tape their own child in their own home. I would definitely talk to the lawyer about it though.

Also,

I think we need to hear what were the circumstances when this baby girl "opened up" about the abuse exactly? How many times it happened. What you did on each event.

So the hospital has documented bleeding and bruising on her vagina?  I'm just trying to be clear.
1 Comments
The problem that is happening is that the "experts" don't think that the child's testimony is valid. The Lawyers don't recommend video taping (it's illegal & can be seen as manipulation) nor do they recomen getting aggressive because it could bolster his case of parential alienation & grant full cusyody to the abuser. ... The laws in the USA, nor the public service professionals are capable of protecting children when they are this young. It all evntually boils down to a battle of wills in court all while the child is still being abused. ... I never realized how bad the US rape culture actually was until my friend opened up about this situation. Even the guardian ad litum recomnds doing nothing.
3060903 tn?1398565123
It is very frustrating , to be sure. Tragic that IF this child has had physical signs of abuse and still is not being protected. and I think if it were me i might go to the office of my member of parliament, at this point.
13167 tn?1327194124
This case is a bit baffling,  and unusual.   I understand you don't want to write long posts,  but there are some questions that have been asked but not answered:

1.  Can you get a CASA volunteer? (Not a lawyer who is the child's guardian ad litem,  a lawyer doesn't have the time a CASA volunteer has to get to the truth).

2.  The hospital documented bleeding and bruising on her vagina when she returned from a visit?
Avatar universal
Please contact a child advocacy center!! Unfortunately these cases do take time because they are so sensitive. The child is more often than not the only witness and when they are 3 it is very difficult. A trained forensic interviewer at a child advocacy center should interview the child. Child sexual abuse rarely leaves any physical evidence. Many people believe you can simply tell a child was abuse just by looking but that is not true.
Avatar universal
It sounds like you need to find a new lawyer because the ones you are dealing with have provided NO helpful advice for you in any way and you are just wasting your money with them at this point. It is not illegal at all for you to video tape or record your own child because You are the legal guardian and are the one that would be giving consent for your child in any situation. I would video tape your daughter saying these things anyways and keep them to yourself in case there is a way for them to be used in court for your case later on because this is definitely going to be a battle in court eventually. Also, YOU need to start documenting with pictures and full detailed written reports of Everything that happens to your child. For example, take pictures of every bruise and every mark when she comes back from the dads house. Be sure to write all the details about it, time, date, where the injury is in the body and everything the child says that happened while at the dads house during that visit. Keep these documents for yourself because you are going to need them later, especially in your own defense since the dad is trying to accuse you of doing these things. It really sounds like your lawyers are not being a help at all so seriously look into getting legal advise elsewhere. Also, any time that your kid comes home with complaining that dad has "messed" with her you need to take her to the hospital for an evaluation, each and every time she complains, because eventually they will find something that can be proven against him if he is harming her privates. Trust me he won't be able to cover it up every time. What really makes me angry about your post is you saying you took her to the docs and they documented blood and bruising coming from your child's privates but they didn't report it to the authorities? That is very Unusual. It seems if they found something like that they would be obligated to report it, so why did they not do anything?! Also, if the dad is abusing your child and she comes homes with "marks" or "bleeding" and you take her to the doctor to get checked in the doctors would be able to tell you how "fresh" these injuries are and document them for you which would be able to prove that the injuries did not occur from you since the child spent the last few days with the dad. Doctors can tell time frames of injuries, so this would prove the injuries weren't from you, if you take her for the evaluation as soon as you get her back, don't wait a few days to do this because then it makes it harder to prove the bruises didn't occur in your time.

Get a journal, take pictures of every mark and bruise she has when she comes back from dads house. Write in that journal every detail about the mark and every detail that your daughter talks about. Take notes of how your child acts when she comes back from his house, and any other important kind of info you can think of. After you have gathered up enough info, such as journal entities, pictures, doctor visits, GO to the police and to CPS. If there is any way possible to get a few people in the room (1-2 others beside yourself and your child) and record your daughter talking about what her dad does to her then those people can be your witnesses that you did not force your child to say these things.

I'm sorry this is happening to you and your child. I hope both of you find peace and happiness in life. God bless you both. I hope I have helped a little.
1 Comments
Great comment. Welcome to Medhelp.
3060903 tn?1398565123
Interested in any updates Poster
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