Ever since my brother was 2, he has had major anger management issues. When I was little, my mom used to abuse me, it was a good day if I only got spanked with the spoon once and nothing else. My mom abused me so often when she got mad (verbally and physically), that my brother picked it up from her. Whenever he got mad at me, he used to lay on top of me so I wouldn't move and pull my hair and pinch my skin and he stole the "spanking spoon" from the drawer when my mom wasn't looking and hit me with it. My mom stopped hurting me when I was 11. My brother hasn't stopped. I'm now 17, and he's 4 years younger. It's so embarrassing, the fact that he's smaller than me yet he has so much control over me, u know? I know siblings fight. I know that at this age, guys get super angry cause of their hormones. But he's done so many horrible things to me, like sprained my wrist, shoved me into a metal cupboard (hit my head hard), damaged some tissue in my arm and he tried to strangle me once. He's getting bigger and I'm getting weaker. Most of the time, I barely say anything to him, he just takes out his anger on me. I try talking to him but he constantly tells me, "shut up, no one cares about what you say. No one wants to hear you talk." "Leave already. No one wants you here." "You're so fat stop eating." and my personal favourite "I hate you. Go kill yourself." My mom knows. He also yells at her and calls her stupid and it really offends her, as well as I, since she never got a chance to go to school and already feels really stupid as it is, and him saying her just makes her feel like trash. She saw him beating me up once and she literally just sat there, telling me "come on, fight back. You're so weak, fight back." and it freaking ***** cause I hate fighting back. What's that gonna do? I'm not a hypocrite. I don't beat him up to teach him a lesson to not beat me up. I don't believe in that. No one really knows about this and idk what to do about him. I mean he's been good for the past couple of months, but he started up again. He does that a lot. He'll stop for a while, and then come back stronger than before. Sometimes I think that it's my fault. Maybe I said something the wrong way, maybe I'm just rude to him. Maybe I deserve it. Other times I think, whatever, it's been a while since he's done something, maybe you're just being too sensitive or exaggerating. Maybe it's not as bad as you make it out to be. But in the back of my mind I still think "even if I am rude to him, even if he's stopped, why does that make it ok for him to hurt me so much, especially after I defended him against everyone in my grade who bullied him." Whenever someone used to ask me who was the 1 person in the world that I could never live without, I would say my brother. Now whenever he's gone I don't even miss him and I feel like the worst person ever saying that, but it's true. I used to use the arts to escape from my negative feelings (poetry, music, acting/TV/Movies), but I kinda just stopped. Now I use all of my negative energy and turn it into fuel, which added with my severe anxiety (yes, i was diagnosed) allows me to not be able to sit still or even breathe, which is becoming rather bothersome. Am I blowing things out of proportion? Am I being to sensitive? What should I do? Please help.
PS. When he hits me now, I just kinda let him cause I know I'm too weak to fight back. Every time I try to push him off he hits me harder than before. I've become somewhat paranoid, whenever someone walks by me quickly or pops out out of nowhere I cover myself ready to be hit, but soon realize that they weren't gonna harm me.