Please Read & Reply. My mom's rage and my disposition...

[BeccaBoo4Life]

There was a point where I thought my mom and I hand a good, solid relationship; however, that isn't the case anymore. About a year and half ago, I left my house because of her. She physically attacked me... That wasn't the first time either. When I was younger, I'd get pinned against walls, slapped in the face (causing bloody lips), and items thrown at me. It makes me tear up just thinking about it... I'm mean, what was I supposed to do during all those times? Every time I threatened to call the cops, she would take the phone, wave it in my direction, and say, "Here's the phone, I'll dial the number." How intimidating is that?!

I could never work up the courage to call the cops. I started relying on self-mutilation to get me through (still do sometimes). I don't approve of my methods either. I know they were and are horrible, but it's one way to release all the anger and pain... To make matters worse, I have friends that do the same thing, and I coach them through it like I'm not battling the same problem. There's hypocrisy at its finest...

Anyways, I can't really distinguish what hurts the most. I really wish I could forget about all of my problems all together, but I can't. My mom just doesn't get it. She doesn't claim fault for any wrong doing in her life! It upsets me so much! As a kid, I had to apologize for every family dilemma that had occured. If we didn't get along, it was always my fault.

I'm not a saint, but honestly, without sounding like I have a big head, I am any parents ideal child. Growing up, I never was involved in drinking or drugs. My mom always knew where I was and who I was with. I didn't think that was too much for her to ask for either, but look where it got me... Abused! Abused by her and abused by myself!

Admitting I came from an abusive home makes me sick to my stomach. I don't think anyone I grew up with would believe me either. My mom is two-faced. She sweet talks people to win them over and so she can get what she wants. It's sickening. I fade to the background because I'm the child. I'm the terror. I'm the reason our family is broken. It's always me, me, ME!

It sickens me even more to admit I came from an abusive home because my sister is still in that home, and she is the most important person in the world to me! I don't want her to go through the same thing I went through. It frightens me. My mom scares me, even after being out of the house for so long. I don't know what to do about that. I want to protect her, but I feel so helpless. There's a lot of underlying truths that I don't want her to be exposed to, but at the same time, she's eventually going to figure them out.

Here's a perfect example of why I worry about the well-being of my sister: Last year, during this time, she was dating some new guy (she always claimed he was the reason I left the house, without even listening to me). Keep in mind, my mom didn't date anyone while I was growing up or when my sister was growing up. The guy she was dating was nice but also creepy and questionable. I was coming back from L.A. when I received a phone call on my layover. It was a family friend. She told me she had heard that my mom's boyfriend had used my sister's cell phone to obtain little girl's numbers. One in particular, my mom's boyfriend texted and asked her to meet him at the park. Well, the girl's dad saw the text, came to the house in which I had previously lived, and punched my mom's boyfriends and broke his phone. I was livid when I heard this. I tried to do damage control, but once again, I felt helpless, and I didn't know if this was true or not. Well, recently, I found out it was true... Down to the last detail. And the worst part is, during that time, my mom stayed with the guy... A *********! Knowing my little sister was in danger! Are you kidding me?!

I am just at a dead end with my mom. She is vile. I thought she was going to attack me again a few weeks ago. I try to avoid her, but there are certain situations in life where I need her (for important info, anyways).

She makes me cry my eyes out. I lose my hair because of her. I can't focus. I lose sleep. I change eating habits. I become introverted. I cut myself. I hit myself. I have suicidal thoughts. All because of her! Yes, I'm blaming it ALL on her because she needs to own up to something for once in her life! If she's gonna put her hands on me, call me names, and deem me a screw up, she can take fault because SHE raised me!

Deep down I know I'm not a screw up, but I can't help but to believe it... After you grow up with the idea for so long, you start to believe it. You develop a complex.

The worst of it all, and I mean the WORST of it all is that I still love her. All of this nonsense goes down, and I still love her. I'm not even sure I want to love her, but I do... Because she's my mom, and maybe that's the only reason.

I'm not saying there was never any good in our relationship, but when the bad outweighs the good what is there to look forward to?

I'm just searching for some help. I'm at rock bottom. I don't even know if there is anything left to salvage with my mom. She says she's done, maybe I should be too... And mean it.

[overopiates]

U need therapy it will do wonders.But first it makes sense u still love her.It's normal w/abuse.What u need to  do is focus on your sister right now.No1protected u but I can protect her.Ur mother is physically abusing her like she did u I am sure u know that.Also she is on immediate danger with the boyfriend so I would suck it up and call child protective services explain ur past abuse and the new sexual abuse dangers that exsist now.I really hope u help your sister.

[AnnieBrooke]

See a counselor.  They can do a world of good.