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Avatar universal

Please help. Is this molestation?

I have a 9 year old son. Today he arrived back home with me after visiting his father for a week and a half. Earlier this evening he said he needed to tell me something personal. He said his dad would touch his private parts at night when they would lay in bed. My son's father still lives with his mother, so my son sleeps with his father since he does not have a room of his own there. My son said that his father would put his hand down my son pants and grab my sons privates and say things like "Is this a worm?" "Is this a snake?". My son said he would tell his dad to stop but his father would still try, but at times my son would put his own hand over his private in order to block his father from touching him. He also said that his father would bite or nibble his ear. This happened on more than one occasion. My son says this makes him really uncomfortable, which makes complete sense. My son said this is the extent of what happened but I'm not sure if there's more, but I don't want to push him for answers. Is this considered molestation? My son said nothing else happened. But i feel like this is not right. My son's father lives in another state so my son only visits him during school breaks. He is not scheduled to see his father again until about 3 months during spring break.
I want to bring this up to my sons father but i know he will deny it. He is a compulsive liar, and has a criminal record. I have had 2 restraining orders against him. So obviously communicating like 2 civil adults at times is not possible since he tends to belittle me or be immature.  We have a court order where I have legal and physical custody of my son and he has visitation during my sons school breaks. I need to know if this is molestation so that I can do something about future visitation. Whenever I express concerns about his visits, his father tells me "it's in the court order for visitation so there's nothing you can do about it".
Another reason. I need to know if I am overreacting because if I move forward with action, as I stated before, my sons father has a criminal record. He has a felony and a couple of misdemeanors on his record  (nothing violent, although still not a good thing). So if I come forward with this and he gets some sort of punishment, I'm not sure if he will get a worse punishment. And although he has done many wrongs, he is still my sons father and it will affect my son. But my son still comes first and I need to protect him if need me.
Does anyone have any insight if this is molestation or just a father being "playful".
I am stressing out ever since he told me this a couple of hours ago.
7 Responses
Avatar universal
This is molestation and you need to do what you can to protect him. Your son has better judgement than his father.

I don't know how the law will apply for you so I suggest talking to child welfare authorities and social services about this for guidance.
Blackmail is illegal so you have to be careful how you approach the father when you lay down the law or he will manipulate the story and possibly get you in a trouble too. I would avoid all contact with him until you get the right advice.
I would also take this to the police and let them figure what they can pin on him.
Avatar universal
Yes this is molestation. You need to protect your child. Of course the father would deny it because it's wrong and he knows it! Your son told you because he is seeking help and protection. He is uncomfortable and has tried to stop it by covering himself but probably feels helpless and scared of what will happen next visit. Please don't NOT do anything.
3060903 tn?1398568723
This IS molestation. Your son needs to be in contact with a therapist to deal with this obvious case of grooming for further molestation. (which is what penis touching and nibbling on the ear is all about). You haven't mentioned how old your son is, and how long this has been going on. before your son spoke up, which might be helpful. Also, you've mentioned restraining orders, but haven't said what action on you exes part happened to get the order. Should your son have been included in the restraining order? You need help from Child Welfare and the Police at this point. Sorry this is so hard. Thanks for reaching out here for your son. Keep it up and get the right thing done. Be very careful who you have come into your son's life. It is very important that you provide him with the right male role model in the future. Be very aware that the next male in his life is safe, and has many many traits that will help him to become the best man he can. In other words, you chose his dad and you obviously mad e a mistake, Dont' make the same mistake going forward. If you had a childhood that did not equip you to find the right man (which is why i married my abusive first husband) deal with what was lacking in your childhood, and move forward with a therapist to talk to about questionable attributes in anyone you're dating, to be sure you're not wasting your time or your son's on anyone that doesn't measure up. There may be plenty of things to love about the wrong guy, but only one trait that can seriously derail your life and your son's. Be very careful moving forward. A child may be abused by a father figure, but they'll forever blame their mother if their mother allows it to happen. Please let us know how you're moving forward with this. All the best to you. We're here to talk on the forum or by private message. You might needs some friends to help you get to the end of this chapter. You can make lot's of friends here.
Avatar universal
Simply put if you don't report this and it is true you will have helped your child be molested. I know that's not what you want so pick up the phone now!
3060903 tn?1398568723
PLEASE do whatever it takes to stop further unsupervised visitation. Your son will not forgive you if you don't. now that you know what's happening.
Avatar universal
You NEED to report this. There are not many absolutes in life, but reporting a crime committed against a child is one of them. This is why teachers and therapists are MANDATED to report abuse of any kind if they have reasonable suspicion. Your SON telling you these things would unequivocally qualify! And like someone else already noted: your son told you because he trusts you. He depends on you. If you do nothing, this will seriously damage your relationship with him. His father, by HIS OWN ACTIONS, has already done this. Your son can't afford to have the only other parent he has abandon him. Whatever happens to his father, THAT is on HIM. You can help your son to heal and adjust. But you must take action.
Avatar universal
Regardless of state jurisdiction, the act of touching a minor child (14 and under) on or about the genitals or by performing an act of intimacy defined as kissing, touching, stimulation, and sexual experimentation of any type by an adult or teen older than 14 (excluding sexual battery and torture) is a felony of the second degree without aggravating circumstances. With aggravated molestation the charge of kidnapping or false imprisonment may be found to apply and is a 1st degree felony.

The activity you describe and the individual profile of the offender speaks of long term sexual abuse on them and most likely by a parent or adult relative, neighbor, other. The child should first be interviewed by police as a "contaminated relationship" can make police disregard your complaint and see the child as coached. Police first and then allow them to take the lead in prosecution. Alone, you appear to have no influence over the offender and he knows this. The offender also knows how to "gaslight" you to the police and they in fact want this, it leaves him explaining all the lies and unwanted answers he will provide. Should he "lawyer up" don't worry, a sex offender is the 4th most investigated type of criminal in the U.S. and I speak from experience, 'we' use so many tactics and techniques to allow a child predator to do what they do once under the gun and that is try to convince everyone they are innocent. It is a self fed diet of failure and I exploit it each time I charge an offender.

Now go fight for your child,

Detective Sergeant  Arthur D. Davis      Criminal investigator - Crimes Against Children Division   Colorado USA
YES!  A voice of absolute experience and reason!  I see there hasn't been any follow up by the mother.  I hope that she's done the right thing!
Get a lawyer. Go to court and make sure your ex is forced to register as a sex offender. Saving your son is the most important thing!!  There are lawyers who will  do this free. Go to the POLICE immediately! They will help you totally through this. Your son will need therapy. Ask the POLICE and they will recommend a therapist.  Your son needs to know you believe him and will save him---- that you will always be there for him and he can come to you with anything. Please save your son.
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