Aa
Scared to seek for help
I love my family more than life itself and when I was 12, my dad sexually harassed me. I had counseling and social services were once involved but I had lied saying I was over exaggerating what had happened for the sake of my family not falling apart. Four years later, my dad and mom are still together. I wouldn't say they're happy, though. My dad is, but my mom and the rest of us think my dad is just ignorant. It seems all he cares about is my little four year old sister and the rest of us are just here. I don't normally talk to my dad unless he needs something such as doing the dishes or cleaning. Sometimes we joke around but it's rare and it only happens for a split second of the day. No matter what happens or how good my day is, at the end of it I'll always remember him as a father that broke my heart. I repeatedly ask myself, why me? He doesn't treat any of his other kids (3 others) the way he once treated me and what he did to me. And I know that for a fact. It was ONE mistake he made and will never make again that's just how he looks at it. He doesn't acknowledge how it's affected me. I'm hurting but also scarred and I'm scared to tell mom because it's my family and I don't want to ruin how happy my siblings may be over something that happened four years ago. My mom doesn't know I still think about it and to just re open a case that was "dealt" with just seems like I want to do it for attention. I really don't want my family to be torn apart for an incident that happened in the past, but it hurts me more and more everyday.
You haven't asked for advice, otherwise i would suggest that you go to the top of the Community and "Post a Question" for yourself. To find support for yourself. I hope you don't mind my discussing what happened with you. If you don't want to respond, I understand. I'm here for you too , if you want to talk, here or privately.
You are NOT ALONE. There are so many of us out there, that feel exactly the same as you do today. i was the youngest, but my eldest brother was racked with guilt his whole life, and drank himself almost to death because of it. You can't go down that path. You have to understand why you didn't get help for the situation. It was not your job to get help to protect you from your parent and her choices in men. It was her job to have had a conversation with you, telling you that if anything ever happens, that anyone ever touches you or kisses you, on the mouth, on your private parts, to SCREAM AND YELL FOR HELP. Unfortunately, some people are naive to the ways of evil. I don't know if your mother ever knew what could possibly be happening when she wasn't there, but it was a bad choice not to have equipped her children to look after themselves in the event that she wasn't. It's not your fault that you didn't speak up.
Have you talked to a psychologist about what happened to you when you were 11? Have you talked to your siblings at all about what happened to you and them? Did your mother leave the abuser?
Have you talked to a psychologist about what happened to you when you were 11? Have you talked to your siblings at all about what happened to you and them? Did your mother leave the abuser?
When it comes to you finding your own mate, you can't be bringing all this baggage with you, you need to deal with now. Otherwise, you will have a target on your back and attract a co dependent man. As my first late ex husband once said.... "You think your father was bad..." as he beat me. And my father was really really bad, but true to his word, this guy was worse. Please don't go without dealing with this further, at least for yourself. Maybe then , if your mom stays, and other siblings are affected, you will be strong enough to help them. That's how it works. You may be the only ray of hope for your own siblings. They need you to act now, to be your strongest and surest in the future. So that you can make the right choices, and feel DAMAGED so that you accept bad treatment from other men (like i did, until i got help). You see?
HI there, thanks for posting, i'm so glad you found Medhelp.
You've said...I had counseling and social services were once involved but I had lied saying I was over exaggerating what had happened for the sake of my family not falling apart.
So i take it when it happened you told your mom the whole truth and then when child protective services came into the picture you said that you then exaggerated...
The problem here is that your mother continued in a co dependent home, and pulled the the rug over this incident, possibly for financial stability. (which is not a great excuse when there is welfare for mothers on their own with children which would have been better than keeping her kids in a home with a man that might turn on her other kids. It was also absolutely negligent that you did not go to a therapist yourself do deal with the incident. By not making her husband accountable, (by insisting that he was separated from the children until he was able to be accountable and get help for his problem which may have stemmed from his childhood).
This mirrors my own experience in my family of origin. My mother's priority was to stay with the abuser and never got any of her kids the help they needed when they needed it. From co dependence came 3 addicts, and a lying manipulative person suffering from childhood and long term obesity.
You say... "He doesn't treat any of his other kids (3 others) the way he once treated me and what he did to me. And I know that for a fact" . You are 16? and this happened when you were 12... and your little sister is only four. How do you know for a "fact" that he will not do the same thing to the little one , or the others when they become in the age group that he targeted before?
Without him becoming fully accountable and not minimizing the behavior and getting help, is there a possibility of closure for you ? or even for him?
If your mother thinks he's ignorant, why don't you talk to her about getting out and finding a man who is not ignorant. There are many good men out there with out kids that would love your siblings and you like their own. My late husband passed when my son was 12, and i am remarried to a wonderful, caring, sensitive man that has raised my son like his own. My son is 28 years old now and loves him like his own dad.
It's hard to talk about information that we don't have, and i'm not suggesting you give details or make yourself feel uncomfortable, but i think you need to talk to school counselor now. And i think you need to talk to your mom about the fact that unless your dad comes completely clean, by being sincerely accountable (talking the truth, being sorry, NOT minimizing what happened,) he may very well abuse another.
He may have doted on you when you were young too, He can still do damage to the other kids. Talk to your mom. See if you can all go to counseling. The other kids don't need to know about it , if they're too young. But if i was your mother, i would make family counseling a priority and mandatory. For your sake, and the sake of your children. If he can comply? Move on and find someone else that is not ignorant and that can contribute to all of your lives in way this man is not now, nor ever will be (if he says no to family therapy) equipped.
Trust me, something needs to be done. This can follow you and affect your choices. At the very least, please demand talking to a psychologist further. You need support sweetheart. More than this forum can help you with. Although we'll do our level best, and i can assure you, if you ever need to talk privately, anyone that you choose will be honored to be your adult friend. I promise you that.
You've said...I had counseling and social services were once involved but I had lied saying I was over exaggerating what had happened for the sake of my family not falling apart.
So i take it when it happened you told your mom the whole truth and then when child protective services came into the picture you said that you then exaggerated...
The problem here is that your mother continued in a co dependent home, and pulled the the rug over this incident, possibly for financial stability. (which is not a great excuse when there is welfare for mothers on their own with children which would have been better than keeping her kids in a home with a man that might turn on her other kids. It was also absolutely negligent that you did not go to a therapist yourself do deal with the incident. By not making her husband accountable, (by insisting that he was separated from the children until he was able to be accountable and get help for his problem which may have stemmed from his childhood).
This mirrors my own experience in my family of origin. My mother's priority was to stay with the abuser and never got any of her kids the help they needed when they needed it. From co dependence came 3 addicts, and a lying manipulative person suffering from childhood and long term obesity.
You say... "He doesn't treat any of his other kids (3 others) the way he once treated me and what he did to me. And I know that for a fact" . You are 16? and this happened when you were 12... and your little sister is only four. How do you know for a "fact" that he will not do the same thing to the little one , or the others when they become in the age group that he targeted before?
Without him becoming fully accountable and not minimizing the behavior and getting help, is there a possibility of closure for you ? or even for him?
If your mother thinks he's ignorant, why don't you talk to her about getting out and finding a man who is not ignorant. There are many good men out there with out kids that would love your siblings and you like their own. My late husband passed when my son was 12, and i am remarried to a wonderful, caring, sensitive man that has raised my son like his own. My son is 28 years old now and loves him like his own dad.
It's hard to talk about information that we don't have, and i'm not suggesting you give details or make yourself feel uncomfortable, but i think you need to talk to school counselor now. And i think you need to talk to your mom about the fact that unless your dad comes completely clean, by being sincerely accountable (talking the truth, being sorry, NOT minimizing what happened,) he may very well abuse another.
He may have doted on you when you were young too, He can still do damage to the other kids. Talk to your mom. See if you can all go to counseling. The other kids don't need to know about it , if they're too young. But if i was your mother, i would make family counseling a priority and mandatory. For your sake, and the sake of your children. If he can comply? Move on and find someone else that is not ignorant and that can contribute to all of your lives in way this man is not now, nor ever will be (if he says no to family therapy) equipped.
Trust me, something needs to be done. This can follow you and affect your choices. At the very least, please demand talking to a psychologist further. You need support sweetheart. More than this forum can help you with. Although we'll do our level best, and i can assure you, if you ever need to talk privately, anyone that you choose will be honored to be your adult friend. I promise you that.
Hello, that's some tuff stuff to deal with, I'm sorry. I would tell the truth, you have a little sister you never know if he would do the same to her.
My mom had a boyfriend when I was about 11, he use to kiss me on the mouth when I was sleeping, I was so scared I act like I was still asleep, then another time when my mom was in hospital he came back one night I woke up to his hands down my pants, I was so scared the next night I begged my older sister to sleep on her bedroom floor,she asked "why?" I made up a story that my brother kicks me off the bed I was in tears and afraid. So I'm now 28 and I still feel the guilt that I never reported it and I found out he did it to 2 other of my family members. Made me feel more guilty, I should have took a stand!
I pray you find your strength and do what's right.
My mom had a boyfriend when I was about 11, he use to kiss me on the mouth when I was sleeping, I was so scared I act like I was still asleep, then another time when my mom was in hospital he came back one night I woke up to his hands down my pants, I was so scared the next night I begged my older sister to sleep on her bedroom floor,she asked "why?" I made up a story that my brother kicks me off the bed I was in tears and afraid. So I'm now 28 and I still feel the guilt that I never reported it and I found out he did it to 2 other of my family members. Made me feel more guilty, I should have took a stand!
I pray you find your strength and do what's right.
1 Comments
Honey, he is probably abusing your 4 year old sister (I am assuming you meant abuse rather the word you posted, 'harassed')?...
Ask yourself, does the relationship seem a bit too close? Does he jump at the chance to spend one on one time, ie, giving baths, bed time, etc etc? If so, it's clear that he's a pedophile and you need to setup a camera.
Don't ignore it, no matter what
Ask yourself, does the relationship seem a bit too close? Does he jump at the chance to spend one on one time, ie, giving baths, bed time, etc etc? If so, it's clear that he's a pedophile and you need to setup a camera.
Don't ignore it, no matter what
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