Sexual abuse and marriage a question...

[faithfulchild]

I am not really sure if  i should ask this question here but I guess there is no way to find out but to try. I wanted to know if there is anyone here who has been sexually abused in the past and is now currently married. What effects did it have on your marriage? Did you find it difficult to be intimate with your spouse? What are some of the emotions that you experienced?....If you think these are too personal then you dont have to answer. i am asking because i am currently doing a thesis on the impact of past sexual abuse on marital intimacy . If you do not feel comfortable answering openly please send me a message otherwise i understand.

P.S... i am also a survivor of abuse and it did affect my marriage really badly.....this is why i chose this topic because when i was  going through my situation i had no one to turn to or anyone who understood...I want to know if what i experienced was just unique to me or that there are general effects and also counsel other people on how to make things a better for both partners.

Thank you so much for your help

[faithfulchild]

Thank you for answering this post. I know it isnt easy to talk about but it is vry necessary to be healed. It is also very scary to approach but if your partner really cares as you said he would then you both will have some rough times but you will get past it.

It is good that the effects of your abuse has started now. This way he knows a little of what to expect if it should continue. It is also good that you are in counselling trying to make sense of everything. that was a positive move.

For me, i didnt start feeling the effects until after i was married. Up until then i thought i was perfectly fine, then one day it all started.I have never seeked counselling because i could not afford it. Howvever, things would have been a lot easier had we been forewarned of what was expected or at least possibly expected. Everything caught my husband and i by surprize. We prayed a lot about it and eventually, went through some really stormy times. We are getting there bit by bit and i do believe the worst has passed. Its almost as if we are rediscovering each other. It is utterly amazing how close have become and he has become a whole new person. He is now loving me in ways i never thought possible. ( thank God for that)

Anyway, i do wish to keep in touch. Please tell me how you are doing now and then. And please know that i am here for you when you need it.

[Teddy87]

Hello everyone,

I am so gratefull that you have all posted, it is so hard to open up about somthing so tramatic.

I have posted on another Forum about this too I think. I was abused as a child for about 4 years. Until about a year ago I have never thought this affected me. I am engaged to be married and have a really understanding (at times) partner who tries and helps the best he can.

I recieved my first session of counselling last thursday and apparantley I will need long term support.

Over the past year I have been feeling;
Withdrawn
Needy
Attention seeking
Anxiety
Panick attacks
nervous
trust issues

Along with other things.

I really hope that this does not continue on, I am getting married next year and hope that by then I will begin to understand these feelings and relate them to what has happened instead of always feeling like I am crazy!

Hope this helps even thought I am not quite married yet. good luck!

[mbbr43]

I was sexual abuse when I was young and yes it affected my marriage. I always felt that I was lucky to have someone want me because I was dirty. I always felt that I should have done something to stop the abuse, but I was only a child, it was not my fault. I can finaly say that and mean it. It affected my marriage because I felt dirty, unworthy, soiled. I never like to have sex, it was something I did because that is what you do when you are married, I very rarely enjoyed it, and if I did I felt bad for enjoying it. My ex was not very suportive, he was 8 years my senior and it was his best friend who abused me. I was married for 23 years and 22 of them he continued to be best friends with him. We use to have alot of fights over sex, even though he new about the abuse before we were married. He once told me that if he had Known how damaged I was he never would have married me, but he did he just never understood. He was abusive as well in every way possible,mentally, phyically,and sexualy. I think that if I had not been abused as a child I never would have married an abusive husband. I always felt alone because when I would share my exeprinces it was just brushed under a rug to be forgotten by everyone but me who couldn't forget.

[faithfulchild]

Thanks for answering my question about sexual abuse and marriage. I really wanted to do this thesis because of the impact it had and is still having on my marriage. My thoughts are that if i study the effects more within the context of marriage i might help people to understand how to cope with it as well as helping those partners whose spouse was abused understand what their partner is going through or at least find ways of helping within the context of marriage. I didn't really realize how much it had affected me until i got married...if my husband touched me i would feel violated, my thoughts about sex were all negative and still sometimes is. I don't believe that many couples in terms of premarital counseling are equipped enough to handle such a strain on the relationship and as a result many relationships are shredded because both people just cant understand what they are feeling and how to deal with it. They were just treated as the average couple but i believe those who has gone through any form of abuse prior to the marriage should at least be forewarned about the possible consequences of sexual abuse and its effects on the marriage. Persons who have been abused and divorced will tell you that they still love their wives or husbands but that they don't understand why they are feeling the way they do..the partner that was not abused but is a direct target for its effects will say they love their wives or husband is just not in love with them or is too difficult to live with. Either way, if they had know what they are up against before marriage then it wouldn't be a surprise if or when the symptoms starts to come up...i hope everyone understands what i am trying to say.

Sexual abuse is not something that people will readily talk about, especially  if it is affecting the marriage. The partner that was abused might feel guilty all the time because he/she feels inadequate and confused about feelings of past and present mixing together. They often think that something is wrong with them and that if the marriage is failing its their fault...hence they might not want to approach anyone about it especially if the effects were not so pronounced before they got married and is new to them. They might even think that what they are experiencing is unique to them and might cause them to believe that they are not normal which can lead to destructive behaviours.

I want to help to prevent or at least help those persons to understand what they are going through. It is a topic that is very personal to me and i know how much it can tare lives apart. I was hoping that when i get the result of this study i could pass out the information to people who offer premarital counseling as well as those who are now experiencing the effects of sexual abuse within their marriages.(of course all my participants will be held in strict confidence unless told to do otherwise)

[faithfulchild]

Thank you guys so much for taking the time to answer. Please keep answering in the best way  you can

[RachelVaughn]

I am 24 and was abused from 13-18 years old. This was the worst time in my life for that to happen. Anytime is bad yes...but i was already feeling bad and then that too...Needless to say...I was very held back with boys. I lost my virginity late in life and did NOTHING will any guys untill I was older. I felt it was wrong and I felt and still feel horrible about my body. I have been married for 2 years and it has affected my relationship more than I ever thought it would. I dont care to have sex all the time and I am still afraid to be vulnerable. Im just quiet and boring. I didnt even have the "bad stuff" done to me, but it was enough mental damage to affect my whole life. Hope this helps

[treazzure007]

i was sexually abused as a very young child (age 3-6?).  i know it affected the way i thought of both female and male sex organs (forever thought of them as 'dirty'), turned me off from the opposite sex (viewed guys as dirty) and caused me to become an extremely shy person.  when i got married, nearly 20 years had passed in my case, so i don't think i was still as traumatized nor can i remember many details.  

i just think about it all the time in regards to the children i'm working with and my own children.  like, "i wonder if any of these poor children are being abused at home..."  or "i wonder if he/she's acting like that b/c they have been abused.." stuff like that stays on my mind.  my husband says that he hasn't noticed any effects from my childhood abuse in regards to how i treat him or in our marriage    

[margypops]

Physical Abuse never happened to me ,verbal abuse ,yes, however my daughter did suffer sexual abuse as a child, and yes it has affected her whole life and her relationships, she says she  has not allowed herself to become a victim, but I can see the consequences of it.I did see my mother abused and that did affect me .,howver I do believe we can accept what happens when we are not in control ,being children, and move on boyond it , I know sometimes it is hard to do that and a lot of folks cannot get past it, thats when counselling and therapy can help.

[teko]

Sexual abuse affects every avenue of your life as you well know if you have experienced it yourself. In my case, it did affect my life with my relationships and marriage. I feared intimacy, did not allow myself to enjoy sex but did learn to use it to get what I wanted at any given time. I was very insecure that I could keep a relationship, or that anyone would want me beyond the sex act, much less for life. I was jealous of every other female and viewed them as a threat to me, because I believed the male partner was only consumed with sex, because of my childhood experience. I also believed that any man that talked to me was because he wanted to sleep with me. Looking back, I am amazed at how the mind can become so twisted due to ones individual experiences when young. This is just one avenue it affected but probably the major one. I grew up, had my own children and got life straightened out thanks to my husband, but it was gruesome and sad to say the least. Good luck with your thesis.