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1882274 tn?1320823570

Still think it was my own fault

When I was 13 I sneaked out to a club with my friend and after a couple of weeks got chatting to a well known lad Tony, he was 26 gorgeous looking and so popular I loved it ... He chatted me up and we kissed at the end of the night and my friend kissed his friend and we thought we were great it was the best night ever.Tony asked me if we could meet again and I said yes so every night for weeks he picked me up from my friends house and school in is top of the range car (I told Tony I was 17 and in sixth form )so what was really my 14 birthday Tony thought it was my 18, so we went for a meal and Tony had so many gifts for me I couldn't wait to show off to everyone in school .. After our meal and drinks Tony who was rather drunk by now wanted us to go back to his apartment which I was fine with knowing what he had on his mind and even thought I was 14 I wasn't scared of going that one step further from just kissing only it went 3 steps further and Tony rapped me and just left me bleeding on the bed saying I was just leading him on etc etc .... I ended up having an abortion 6 weeks later and never seen Tony again until 3 months ago 18yrs later  when he came into my place of work and we both got the shock of our lives I felt sick to the stomach and now find it harder to deal with then I did when I was a child, I don't know how to be and can't understand why I'm finding it so hard now than I did then, Tony has asked to meet with me he wants to apologise and I'm confused whether I should forgive and except his apologies because it was my own fault for trying to be the big girl and show off to all my school friends or not and carry on hating him.... He has also found out I was only 14 at the time and claims he's finding it hard to deal with himself because he has a daughter this age now what should I do PLEASE HELP x
17 Responses
932659 tn?1332118704
Hello,

Forgiveness in my opinion is totally up to you.  However, it really bothers me when you say "because it was my fault".  No, it wasn't your fault.  He was 26 years old, you were 14 and even though he didn't know that, he could have/should have shown restraint.  No is NO.  No means NO.  He left you bleeding and then blamed it on you.  This makes me really mad.  In my opinion he just wants forgiveness now to assauge his own guilt, if he even has a conscience to have any feelings of remorse or guilt.  So I'm not really sure what you should do, but please do not think it was your fault, or that you asked for it, because you didn't.  On the other hand now that I think about it more, I probably would sit down with him and really let him have it so he knows what his own daughter is facing as she starts to date and interact with the opposite sex.  So this is your call.  Please let us know how it goes and give us an update on what you decide to do :)  Good luck to you!
757137 tn?1347196453
What I am wondering about is where your parents were in all of this. You went out with him every night for weeks. How could you do this if you lived with your parents. And, if they allowed this behavior, then the fault is theirs. An underage daughter is their responsibility, not the responsibility of the daughter.

As for the guy, I can fault the him for his cruel behavior, but not for taking advantage of an underage age girl. He did not know you were 14.  When I was 13 I could easily pass for 18 and, in fact, did, in order to get a part-time  job at a department store. I was fired after a routine check of my records told them my age.
1882274 tn?1320823570
hi and thanks for your advice, to be honest i had already by made up my mind to meet up with him just after posting the post last night and even though i am unsure if i want to forgive and forget or carry on hating him i think i will just have to see what happens when i get there ....
1882274 tn?1320823570
I understand your point but its was the summer which was lighter nights and was allowed out until 10pm on a school night which is still late thinking about it now but 18yrs ago seemed normal because all my friends were allowed out this late, plus this happened over the weekend when i was able to lie to my parents and pretend to stay at my friends house and your right maybe my parents were to trusting with me but they had no reason not to be i was a good student who helped look after my younger brothers and sister and never got into trouble (or caught) and they were good parents who i could never ever blame for this the blame is my own which I'm not questioning was just after some advice on meeting up and forgiving him or not !!!!! :-( ....
535822 tn?1443976780
I also was pondering how this child of 13 years old was able and allowed to get into this situation being allowed out till 10pm is not a good idea ..what did your parents think you were doing?.I would not meet him he is still a rapist nothing altered that and it cost the life of an innocent child .
757137 tn?1347196453
"...all my friends were allowed out this late..."

If other parents were irresponsible that does not excuse the irresponsibility of your parents. For this reason I still maintain that your parent, not you, were at fault. If they had taken their responsibilities seriously you would not have been allowed out every night, at such an age, with or without a curfew. And your parents would have known where you were at all times, again, with or without a curfew.

One of my sisters was as negligent as your parents, and both her daughters had problematic sexual lives. One of them also had a drug problem. If children were capable of caring for themselves they would not need parents.

932659 tn?1332118704
Will you let us know how things go after you meet with him?
1882274 tn?1320823570
I will keep you posted, not sure when i will be going but it will be sooner rather than later otherwise i'll talk myself out of it ....
1882274 tn?1320823570
Don't feel my parents can take full blame for what happen even if i didn't meet up with him every night i would of  defo still met him at the weekend when i was suppose to be staying at my friends house .... True they should have been a bit less allowing and trusting with me but they really were good parents and i strongly feel the need to defend them... Hope all turns out ok with your sisters girls but i don't think you should totally blame your sister for there mistakes like me I'm sure they knew what was right and wrong even by yours and your parents influence on there lives...I knew it was wrong of me to sneak out to a club drinking at 13yrs of age and i also knew it was wrong to lie to everyone, so even if my parents were harder on me i still would of found a way to do what i wanted to do and i learnt the lesson the hard way and don't agree with you blaming them it was my own fault and no-one else's  ....
757137 tn?1347196453
I never suggested parents were bad - just foolish. Nor is it my intention to turn you against them. As for my sister she was extraordinarily lazy and did not look after her girls.

All teenagers do foolish things if they can get away with them. And, yes, they lie to be able to do those things. Hopefully a parent is wise enough to know that children are not perfect and proceed on that assumption.
757137 tn?1347196453
First sentence should read: "I never suggested your parents were bad - just foolish."
Avatar universal
I'm sorry... But I agree with the other if your parents would've been more thoghtfull about what you were doing a at such a young age and out so late maby this would've never happend but there's no going back and suggest you do meet with him forgive so you can be forgiven by god !!!
Avatar universal
Please keep us posted!!!
1882274 tn?1320823570
can i ask why you think i need god's forgiveness please !!!!
757137 tn?1347196453
God's forgiveness? For what?
Avatar universal
i dunno what to say but its your choice to fill up with hatred or to forgive and forget keep posting shygurl509 and good luck (very sad story)
1548028 tn?1324612446
I can only tell you what I think from my experience and how I handled it.  I am now in my 40s.  I decided NO woulda, shoulda and coulda's.  I was young and made some not so good choices and paid a huge price.  I too met with my attacker.  He felt awful for what happened and it haunted him also.  I forgive but he will never be my friend.  What happened happened and he apologized.  I am grateful for that since so many people never get an apology but the hurt will always be.  I decided a long time ago that I can let this ruin my life or I can learn from it, help others and teach my kids from a young age what not to do.  I decided if I let him make my life sad and consuming he won.  I couldn't let him win!  I won!  Goodluck!  This is a personal decision but stop blaming yourself.  You were a child.  Love yourself for all the good decisions you have made since then and the people you can help through similar situations.  I wish you the best!
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