Suicide.

[Moms_Guardian_Angel]

So this is embarrassing but I find myself in a situation in which I feel I cannot talk about to anyone about. I have found myself contemplating suicide quite often. I know its pathetic and selfish, that my situation may be a joke compared to what other people go through but i am emotionally and spiritually drained. I keep telling myself that what I have gone through and continue to go through is all part of GOD's master plan for me; that I have to go through this in order to become the person he wants me to be. I strongly believe that I was destined to help children and teens that are going through what I've been through but... how can i help others when I can't even help myself?..

I have an (emotionally) abusive mother, a (physically) abusive father, a sister who's goal in life is to make mine a living hell, and extended family that are waiting for me to fail. I know that my sn (mom's guardian angel) may state otherwise but really.. all i've ever really wanted is for my mother to nurture, comfort, and love me unconditionally; something that unfortunately just isn't in the cards for me. i've always done everything my parents have asked of me, i've lived up to this fictitious story that i am their "perfect child" but it has never been good enough for them.

I beg all the parents out there... please don't make your children live up to that expectation. It fosters sense of failure, low self esteem and worth within us when we do not live up to that, most often than not, too high expectation. Your children will do anything to make you as parents happy. After all that is all we really want.. to make you happy and proud, and we will do that at any cost, even if it means making ourselves unhappy.

I am 22 years old and I still find myself seeking for that approval from my parents (isn't it pathetic?). Apologizing when I haven't done anything wrong, believing that when I am humiliated in public that I deserve it for not being perfect. Seeking to one day get that hug and hear "I love you because you are my daughter and I don't care if you are not perfect, as long as you tried". But you know what I feel like instead?.. you know those cruel ppl that hit their dogs.. they kick em but as soon as they call them to come the dog goes to them with their head down and tail between their legs?.. that's me. That's always been me.

... and i'm tired.

[Moms_Guardian_Angel]

Thank you all. Soooo much.

[Nighthawk61]

It's been a long time since you first posted. Can you tell us how things are going for you?

[JT2311]

I'm 28 and still seek my parent's approval, but won't get it.  You have to understand that you can't force people to change.  You can' fix them.  And it's not your responsibility to do so, no matter how much you want it.  Your happiness doesn't have to hinge on their approval!  You can live your own life.  You deserve to live your own life and find happiness.  And you can.  You just can't do it alone.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing every day and expecting different results.  You're driving yourself crazy!  Try something different.  Find a good therapist (it may take a few tries to find one).  Therapy has helped me cope a lot with similar issues. Good luck.

[RockRose]

Bless your heart,  this is so hard to read.

Before you become a wife,  somehow you need to put this behind you.  After all your very long history with your mother,  it seems it was still a surprise that she won't go shop for a dress with you.  Somehow,  (I don't know how) you need to acknowledge that this is her,  this is what she is,  and not continue to be surprised and hurt by what she is.  If you live with an alligator,  you shouldn't keep being surprised that it lunges at you.  : (

You know the saying,   "God help the motherless child".  I think you'd be better off without a mother at all,  at least then you wouldn't be emotionally exhausted trying to get this woman to act like a mom.

Prayers for you.  Your story is so sad - you might pick up "Bad Childhood Good Life" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  i think it would be helpful to you in putting your mother in the context that you can move on and grow.

[Moms_Guardian_Angel]

Words cannot express my gratitude to all of you for sharing your intimate details with me. Thank you soo much for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I hope I don't come across as making it seem that I am a victim and that my parents are the villains. I know that I am not perfect and I have made mistakes. For a long time I thought that I brought this all upon myself and that I deserved everything bit of it.

AmbarassodorofAwesome69: Thank you for sharing that with me. I am glad things are working better for you, and that you had the courage to do what is best for YOU. You know, my escape is school. The things that I felt growing up, and that still affect me to this day, is what I want to help children through. I am working on two B.A degrees, one in Child Development and Family Studies, and the other in Family Life Education. I plan on going to grad school afterwards to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. I don't think any child should go through such feelings of darkness, feeling unworthy, unwanted, ALONE. I know that maybe my parents don't do it on purpose, but avoiding dismissing my emotions so quickly, would make a big difference. But after so long.. its true that maybe nothing will make them change.

ANewLife4Me: Thank you.. and you are right, once one person sees how other people, in this case my parents, treat me.. they all assume they can be the same with me. So you were right on target with that.

Teko:Thank you so much for your advice. Believe me, I have tried talking to my parents to let them know how I feel. I tried talking calmly, I tried it as their hurt child crying, i've tried screaming, i've tried from the adult-to-adult approach.. and each time, EVERY time i got the same response: dad saying that I make a big deal out of nothing, and mom cries saying that I don't appreciate her and make her feel like she is the worst person in the world, neither one listening to my words, my pain.

PandaRose78: Your prayers are very much appreciated, thank you. Although it is difficult for me to really trust people around me that is definitely something I need to work on.

Medicmommy: I cannot agree more with everything that you said. Also, thank you for sharing such personal experiences with me. I am truly glad that you are finally able to enjoy life, for yourself and no one else.
You know, I do seem to seek approval and affirmation from everyone else, and when you say that I need to seek it from myself, i had never thought about that, and it makes so much sense. I was in one of my classes this week and since what I am studying for has to do with education families, they help you do a lot of self reflection. We were all sharing experiences from our own families and something the professor said, although it was difficult to swallow, opened my eyes. Some parents are just not capable of loving their children and be affectionate, how we would like them to be. I must admit that the sudden realization of my reality pained me to the core. Accepting it as it is will be very difficult but I know that it is something that I must do.

I know that this is getting really long, and I'm sorry, but there is something else that I would like to share. I got engaged last year, to the guy that I considered to be my best friend in the world before we even got together. My mom put soo many obstacles for him in order for him to get their approval to propose to me. But he did everything she asked of him.
You know how weddings are to us females/women/girls ... our time to make our childhood dream of being a princess come true (sounds soOo childish i know) but that is how I feel. There is nothing more that i would love in the world than to be able to share and enjoy this moment with my mother. Preparing everything, planning it all. I've avoided going to look for my wedding dress because the only person that I would love to be there with me is my mom, and knowing that she won't give me that.. it breaks my heart to a million pieces. Isn't it pathetic? the power that I have given her over my emotions?.. so much that I have allowed her to cloud a phase in my life that should fill me with endless joy... only brings me pain and guilt.

[medicmommy]

((((((((((((HUGZ)))))))) It is an unfortunate fact of life -we can pick our friends, we can pick our nose, but we cannot pick our parents...I am 46 years old -old enough to be your Mom, but like you, I had to face the harsh reality that I could not change my parents' nature. They did not see that they should change, and I could not abide with them they way they were and still are. I had to come to terms with the fact that my mother chose to stay with my stepfather -a man who molested two of her children and beat all of them regularly. I figured out what made my mother "tick" (not my stepfather though) and, even though I didn't like it, I continued with my life and became a survivor. I had to come to grips with the fact that toxic people drag you down, try to drown you with their negative weight, and prevent you from moving forward. It bites to realize that your parents are human and thus, susceptible to human errs. It bites even more to realize you can't do anything about it.
My dear, you need to make up your mind that this is your life and you only get one chance at it. You can do nearly anything you put your mind to if you want it bad enough. You deserve to be whole of spirit, happy in life, and to have a wonderful companion that makes you see the beauty in the world. You deserve to laugh and feel good.
You have to love yourself before you can extend your love to others in a healthy manner. You need to find approval and affirmation from yourself to feel sure of your world. This is within all of us.
Thoughts of suicide are symptoms of overwhelming emotional pain and our desire to escape it. You can't run away because it follows. You have to empower yourself by figuring out what is causing the pain and either making the pain stop by confronting the source or removing the splinter. I hope this helps, and I pray this gives you a bit of hope. When I was 20, someone said some very similar words to me, not even realizing that I had nearly committed suicide twice at that point. I am still here and am having a wonderful life. I can only wish you the same. ~MM

[PandaRose78]

I'll pray for you, know what is like just try to seek help and move on and live your life in a way that makes you happy. Yea you will screw up but a life being lived has them. Look for people who you can trust for support and let them

[teko]

I think most of us have been in a similar abyss. And your problems are problems and not to be compared to some one elses. If you are feeling suicidal then it is an important big deal, regardless of how someone else may view your problems. As a child to a parent, I know full well of which you speak and how you feel is very much more prevalent than you think. Now as a mom or a parent the expectations one puts on their child is more to keep them from taking roads that lead to their future unhappiness and well being and not meant to make them feel suicidal or unloved and accepted. Having gotten thru that phase and now in the phase of grandmother, I have the wisdom to see both sides of the fence and even feel able to give advice since I have been there meself. Your parents are not perfect, nor are you and no god does not want to see you miserable at all. Maybe the whole point is to get you all talking to each other so feelings like you are having now can be turned around and you will all realize that the only ones that can hurt you are precisely the ones you love the most. My advice? Talk, Communicate with your parents and let them know how you feel and listen to them as well. No matter how it goes whether it be good or bad, end it with a huge hug and tell each other how much u love one another. Oh and one other thing. Let go and Let God! Let him do his job and you get to sit in his lap while he does it.

[ANewLife4Me]

Hi,
I would suggest you get some therapy, someone to talk to about this.  I know what it's like to have abusive parents, whether it's mental, emotional or physical, been through them all.  Your parents are not going to wake up one day and be what you want them to be and in fact may just get worse. Unfortunately.  So...It's time to make a life for yourself.  I agree a lot with what Ambassador said above.  You are not a bad person.  It's time to stop carrying their burdens and try to make peace with yourself, even if you have to cut some of those people out of your life.  You'll have to learn a different way to deal with them as you get older and this is where therapy will help.  Not only with your parents, but your extended family, friends, etc.  Because as I'm sure you have seen, once you let one person do it to you, or two, you'll find everybody in your life is that way with you, but in the end it's because you let them be.  They are toxic people, emotional vampires even, but nobody is worth your life.  I really wish you the best...

[AmbassadorofAwesome69]

Well, this sounds very familiar.  I used to be in the same situation and I'm 37 years old.  It took a lot of therapy to realize that I cannot change others, only myself.  The person I married was never going to meet anyone's approval.  My job, my situation, my everything would not compare to my sister's (better) situation.  Like you, I was in every type of abuse as a child as well.  But, guess what?, you have to make your own life and live it to the fullest.  You have to realize its THEIR problem - not yours.  No matter what you do, it will not change the person they are.  So, no, don't give up like you have no other option.  Pick up some hobbies.  Find love.  Make a home.  Make a career.  It will get better even without those family members.  I've had to isolate some of mine as well.  (I may talk to my mother once per month, my father twice per YEAR.)  Keep us posted - even if you want to send me a private message.